I am so tired of my body right now.

Sorry, this is me rambling. Maybe more a bit of a cry for help. I don't really have anywhere else to vent anymore, and I'm afraid if I call my parents or sister about it, I'll be crying too much to say anything.

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I have not be at 100% since December. This is weird because usually I am really healthy. The worst I get is a cold. But lately I have had the worst string of bad luck.

First it was a bladder infection. Went to a clinic. Eventually got over it.

Then I had a cold in January. That wasn't so bad, until I found out my brother had pneumonia. Then I got all paranoid like I do. At one point my breathing was so bad and I had a lump in my throat, so I went to ER. Was told I just had an upper respiratory infection and a sore throat (my throat was never sore o__O) and told to go home. Whatever. I have insurance and I can save up when I need to. I suspect that I now have an allergy, possibly to nasal decongestant? Because I have no idea what was going on besides that.

After that, my left ankle started screwing up. It was in mild pain when I was at work. So I bandaged it. That worked out fine at first; I'd had the issue before, used the bandages, and it got better on its own. But it eventually was still in pain. I told my boss, and she set up an appointment with the clinic she goes to, because until now I have not had a regular doctor. But the appointment would take three weeks because I'm a new patient. Until then I'd just have to deal. That's fine, it was hardly to the point where I'd have to take over the counter medication. It only gets really bad after 7-9 hours shifts and typically I work just 5. However I'm thinking I'll be stuck in a cast and crutches, because I bought a brace and while it's better than bandages, it's clearly not making it better. My job is nothing but standing, so this is not a good thing for me.

Well, I thought, I don't think I have any unemployment insurance through my company and I don't have any otherwise, so I'll just budget out so I can make sure my rent is paid through May. If I legit can't work I can scrape by. By then I should be able to catch up on bills. I don't have too many, thankfully, since I don't drive.

First off, my boss gets call to work in another state for three weeks. Meaning that basically no matter what happens I have to try to work my shifts regardless. I was like "okay, whatever. I can make it work somehow. If not I am still barely okay financially."

Then today I got my last hospital bill. The third bill, in fact; physicians and radiology sent two separate bills. I thought I was done with this. It's more than what I need to set aside for May's rent (although mercifully not by too much)...

Just, I don't know what to do. I was already screwed as is before. Unfortunately I never got around to making emergency savings, which is screwing me over now. I don't have a second form of income. I am expecting less than $100 back from taxes, so I can't just be like "sweet look at my tax return that I am now spending on bills!" My roommate can probably help in some form, but it's not going to be enough, and it'll screw him over on his savings. There's nowhere else I can turn. I mean if I can't work I'm sure the hospital will try to work something out, but I don't know how much they'll be willing to work with me.

And I was already having anxiety issues the past few days for practically no reason. My paranoia is going bad even for me. Now this is just making things worse.

I almost don't want to show tomorrow just so I won't be put in a cast and told not to work. Because I legit cannot afford not to work now barring some miracle. But if I don't show I'll never get better.

Why do I always screw things up? Even when I think I'm doing fine, even when I think I am a responsible adult, stuff like this happens and brings me down and shows me that I'm a terrible person.

And god forbid there be something even more wrong with me. That's my worst worry right now. If it's something really bad I will never be able to afford treatment. I'll be stuck broke forever. :(

Times like this that turn people spiritual. Still, the only thing worse than that would be finding out that you've got full-blown AIDS. That's a death sentence in a nutshell.

Not me. I am actually pretty firmly atheist right now. As much as I'd like to be spiritual and believe in a god -- any god -- I don't think there's anything there. I'd be in better luck turning to my friends and family; they're actually here for me, and their words would be more comforting than that of any church or religion.

Also, yes, having AIDS is a tragedy. I doubt it's what I have, though. I'm a virgin and I don't do drugs.

I realize that I probably don't have anything serious at all. I do tend to blow things out of proportion. It's kind of what I do at times like this. I just need to vent. ^^;

A friend of mine has a few medical issues, including pain in her ankles which sometimes get swollen. She says elevating it helps. She got this tip from a yoga class to sit against a wall with her back on the floor and her legs against the wall.

>: That really sounds like an absolute pain. Medical issues are definitely one of the biggest in the States, so you're definitely not alone! Every person goes through a stressful phase such as this one at least once as they grow up, so you should do your best to get through it ;o; Though by the looks of it, you also have your parents and sister to go to if you ever need anyone -- they're your family and it's what they're here for!

I really do believe everything happens for a reason and the rollercoaster that is life can only go so far down before it goes back up~

That sounds really bad and worrisome too! I hope you can pull through! You have my best regards ;o; <33