Palamon
Silence is Purple
- 8,162
- Posts
- 15
- Years
- Age 27
- he/him
- Snezhnaya, Teyvat.
- Online now
As much as I want to run away, this is reality. I've been eighteen for almost a month. This is reality. I can never be a kid again. I'm no longer a child. I'm under the word known as "adult". I cannot turn back time and go back to when I was twelve, I cannot rewrite the universe, nor am I a God. This is the present, and I have no control over time, there are no other timelines, this is the only time that exists. There's no turning back anymore. I am eighteen. I cannot go back in time and change it. Time travel is fiction. There is no such thing as time travel, as much as I want to go back in time and go back to being twelve again.
...I sound like a fucking book right now. But, this is truly reality. Indeed, time is going by too fast. I was in fifth grade, what... it feels like yesterday. Now I'm somehow in the second half of my last year in high school. People asked me on my eighteenth birthday what it felt like to be eighteen. Am I supposed to feel different? Well, I don't feel any different. I feel like the same person I always have been.
Immaturity does not come with anything. And of course, even I know I probably won't be mature any time soon.
TL;DR in NON CRYPTIC TALK and NON literature talk so people don't ask what the hell I'm talking about:
I don't know how to feel about this "growing up" thing.
Also, apparently, there is something out in this world called "serotonin." And whatever that is, I have been informed that mine is low. (I'm getting very cryptic again, aren't I?) Lmao, just how many "deficiencies" are psychiatrists going to toss at me? First Aspergers (which is a disorder; not a deficiency), then vitamin D deficiency (which I'm taking supplements for). And whatever "serotonin deficiency" is supposed to be. I did my research on it in secret. That would explain my "anger issues" (as self proclaimed by my mother), and I guess, half of where all those feelings I had in the past come from/came from. But I won't blame depression on "serotonin" or whatever it's called. I won't blame Aspergers on anything, either. The only person I can blame on all this is myself.
This again falls under "immaturity". Which I'm of course aware, I am. And as I am aware of my own immaturity, it is up to me to get out of this hole myself. Only I can make my soul happy. Only I can change who I want to be, and only I can be me.
Again, I doing the "sounding like a book thing", aren't I?
But the only one who can dropkick myself out of depression is myself. The only person who can improve my attitude is me, the only person who can fix myself is me. I could have every single disorder, disability or deficiency in the world for all I care, I'm not going to let them latch onto to me anymore and define me.
And as weird and stupid as this all sounds, again,
TL;DR and not crypticness:
It's not too late for me to change. I'm sorry for all those who had to put up my shit throughout 2012 - 2014 and the people I have wronged. The past is in the past now. I can't mend the bonds I broke, but I can do something to fix myself, now can't I?
Some things can only be fixed with things I dread however, and their names are mood stabilizers.
Apology number...what apology number is this. I lost track, but if you didn't understand anything I said, I'm sorry. I'm good with not being understood, it seems.
...I sound like a fucking book right now. But, this is truly reality. Indeed, time is going by too fast. I was in fifth grade, what... it feels like yesterday. Now I'm somehow in the second half of my last year in high school. People asked me on my eighteenth birthday what it felt like to be eighteen. Am I supposed to feel different? Well, I don't feel any different. I feel like the same person I always have been.
Immaturity does not come with anything. And of course, even I know I probably won't be mature any time soon.
TL;DR in NON CRYPTIC TALK and NON literature talk so people don't ask what the hell I'm talking about:
I don't know how to feel about this "growing up" thing.
Also, apparently, there is something out in this world called "serotonin." And whatever that is, I have been informed that mine is low. (I'm getting very cryptic again, aren't I?) Lmao, just how many "deficiencies" are psychiatrists going to toss at me? First Aspergers (which is a disorder; not a deficiency), then vitamin D deficiency (which I'm taking supplements for). And whatever "serotonin deficiency" is supposed to be. I did my research on it in secret. That would explain my "anger issues" (as self proclaimed by my mother), and I guess, half of where all those feelings I had in the past come from/came from. But I won't blame depression on "serotonin" or whatever it's called. I won't blame Aspergers on anything, either. The only person I can blame on all this is myself.
This again falls under "immaturity". Which I'm of course aware, I am. And as I am aware of my own immaturity, it is up to me to get out of this hole myself. Only I can make my soul happy. Only I can change who I want to be, and only I can be me.
Again, I doing the "sounding like a book thing", aren't I?
But the only one who can dropkick myself out of depression is myself. The only person who can improve my attitude is me, the only person who can fix myself is me. I could have every single disorder, disability or deficiency in the world for all I care, I'm not going to let them latch onto to me anymore and define me.
And as weird and stupid as this all sounds, again,
TL;DR and not crypticness:
It's not too late for me to change. I'm sorry for all those who had to put up my shit throughout 2012 - 2014 and the people I have wronged. The past is in the past now. I can't mend the bonds I broke, but I can do something to fix myself, now can't I?
Some things can only be fixed with things I dread however, and their names are mood stabilizers.
Apology number...what apology number is this. I lost track, but if you didn't understand anything I said, I'm sorry. I'm good with not being understood, it seems.