Can't you Hear it?

It's nearly three in the morning, and I'm wide awake...feeling extremely empty. ...Guess I don't wanna be too much of a bother, but I need to vent a little, I guess.

Lately, I've kind of realized how little I interact with people. I guess just can't do it. I'm not cut out for personal and deep relationships. I'd rather never talk to anyone at all, really, why waste my time? I don't really have anything fun to talk about, anyway. Sometimes I feel like it's better for me to be seen, and never heard. I mean, I'm perfectly verbal, and I still talk to people daily, it's just... I guess I prefer being alone, and like being "lonely." I'm happier that way. I was never a people person, anyway...

I usually, if ever, rarely respond in actual conversations irl. I act like I don't care, and half the time answer with "whatever" unless I'm annoyed into using actual words. I guess I'm just surrounded by people I don't like. I am more responsive and more interested in holding a conversation if you're not annoying or ask personal questions, I suppose.

Last blog entry, I wrote about places you can contact me at, well... you can, but, thing is, you know how I m with conversations: bad.

Maybe it's because I'm so one on one, and can only focus on one person at a time. I'm beginning to crack down on who I see as a friend at this point because I'm tired of making "friends" who just leave me anyway. Now, I'm thinking of only considering people friends if we click for awhile. Honestly, I'm hard to make friends with. I'm not very friendly, nor am I approachable as a whole. I don't like getting personal with people anymore. I've had it with spilling my heart out to people and it getting stomped on.

...God, why is this so complicated? I wish I wasn't feeling so down.

Oh well.

Whatever.

Guess it doesn't particularly mater.

Peace, everyone.

This resonated pretty well with me, actually, though despite what you say it seems to me that you operate better in conversations better than I do. And it's actually been on my mind a lot lately in regards to myself.

As a result, I have a lot to say about this, but...well, I won't, because then I'd go on for literal pages. In a comments section. But I'll at least say that I don't see any reason to dismiss the issue as if it doesn't matter. I suppose that would certainly be easier, especially since I've often found myself looking at how other people and wondering what the hell what I was doing wrong. Even worse when I'd try to actively make meaningful relationships only to realize that they were hopelessly out of reach. Definitely would have saved myself a lot of pain if I hadn't. I don't really mind being alone, anyway. I dare say it's relaxing, even.

But I've always felt like I could create more for myself. Become a larger person, so to speak. I watch so much anime and play games so often, but I can't gush about them with anyone or really have a detailed conversation about why X waifu is trash because, well, there's no one to have that conversation with. But there are people that I know are interesting or could even be my long lost sibling, but not being able to interact with them to the degree that I should just seems like a missed opportunity. We could only be as close the social divide between us allows, and I think this in regards to you, as well. So being able to break that divide, as painful (and seemingly impossible) as it might be to do that...seems like a task worth doing, at least to me, even if it ends up being otherwise.

That's the way I look at it, at least.

Please, do not give up merely because it seems hard. I know and have felt pain like you feel. But it's worth trying if you can try.

I'm not exactly a chatty user either; and I can empathize with what you are feeling. You are still a neat person however. I can often be found on Discord if you ever want to have a nice one to one with me. Espeon Loves You ♥#1054 is my name there.

You are certainly not a bother Pala; you are a beautiful and unique person. I hope that you will continue to grace us with that radiant intelligence of yours. If there's something bothering you; you can talk to me if you want to.