The Beta Place
View Single Post
May 17th, 2009, 02:07 AM
Mizan de la Plume Kuro
Bass, Bass Everywhere!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Airstrip One, Oceania
In need of a Beta Reader. My fic has way too many grammar and language mistakes like Valentine kindly pointed out. I'm not going to be active on PC starting tomorrow -exams *sigh* -so anyone who wants to Beta my fic please feel free to take at least two weeeks to Beta my fic. Oh by the way if you want to Beta my fic also do me a favour and PM bobandbill -about being my mentor/beta- because of my absence, Sorry if its not allowed or if it's being rude.
Here's the specifications for my fic
Title of Story:
A Groudon and a boy are genetically or physically fused together. Now they’re on a vague Quest to find out more about themselves, why they became like this and possibly become separated. There is also a mysterious electric Pokémon to the mix yet to be revealed. He is still pretty much confused and slightly naive always listening to what Groudon tells him to do but this develops over the story. Currently, the story is on a not-so-suspenseful cliff-hanger.
Horror(because of blood), Science Fiction, Slight Humour(Sarcastic Groudon), debating whether there should be any romance.
Rating (PG, R, etc):
PG-13, I guess, obscene language, violence and blood
Type of mentor needed:
Language and Grammar (but don’t bug me on the plot unless necessary because it doesn’t all make sense in the beginning but will. Unless it’s really important)
Writing sample of story:
Excerpt from Chapter 5-
Shino looks at me and at Kana expectantly, he doesn’t seem to be interested, but he acts as though he is. He’s probably bored.
“So what is this, Neo Groudon thing? What about this Infinity whatever what are they?” I ask impatiently.
“I don’t know much about The NG project but what I do know is it had something to do with you and a Groudon that they captured weeks ago. About the Infinity Conglomerate, they’re a group of companies under the Higher Ups who control 45% of the world stock market. They’ve even bought over Silph from Kanto and Devon right here in Hoenn. They also control some underground groups but I can’t remember their names.” She answers.
“Is there anyway, I can find out about this project.” I ask.
“Well…” she starts hesitantly, “there is a way, but it’s risky”
“Oh, I like risks” says Groudon inside my head.
“I’ll take it, I need to know how to get rid of this power, why am I like this?” I say.
“Like what?” she asks.
“You mean you don’t know, I thought you worked there since you were wearing that lab coat and all.” I say.
“Even I don’t know what this project was about. Dad only brought me on as a computer programmer at the facility. He never said much about what he did. Course he never found out about you since he was always at work so often. You never talked about your dad either. You were always reluctant to discuss him whenever I brought it up.”
“Well” I start, “I need to know that I can trust you before I tell you.”
“I swear, I’ve been your friend since you were five and you’re still as paranoid as ever. Well, you’ve always liked Fire Pokémon, and you lived in Mosdeep before I moved away to Rustboro. Does that answer your question?” she says with a smile.
Looking over at Shino I realise she’s right I do seem more attached to him since he joined me.
“Fine” I say, “I’ll tell you but keep this between us”
I take of my gloves and expose my hand, slowly I take the cold, untouched tea that was on the table and hold it one hand.
The tea starts to boil vigorously.
“How are you doing that!” she asks in amazement.
“I’m not sure, it has something to do with the Groudon inside me, fused with my soul.
“So that’s what it was about, but what was the purpose.” She says. “What else can you do!” she says suddenly excited.
“I’ll handle this” says Groudon.
I let Groudon have his way. My hands curl inwards and grow slightly larger; my nails grow longer and turn to become the trademark claws of Groudon, my hands feel superheated, electric sparks dance between the metallic claws. Not surprisingly Groudon is able to control the power to a certain degree and places his/my elbows on the table, interlock our fingers in the classic evil genius style and says with my vocal cords
“Hello there, Kana.” In a low throaty growl. “I’m Groudon, creator of Land”.
Groudon grins evilly to reveal a set of vicious razor sharp teeth/fangs. Kana is shocked; she seems to be backing away slowly from the vicious sight that is the fusion of man and Pokémon, the creation of man that is Neo Groudon.
I don’t think of myself as a bad writer I’ve been writing since I was 6. However, whenever I use the computer to write, my stories/fics come out shorter than intended and have more mistakes than when it’s handwritten. Besides, Valentine suggested I should get a Beta Reader to catch logic and comma mistakes.
i c t i o
"Break his heart, Estella. Break
his heart..." - Cutlerine
a n f i c t i o
The Promise I Made to You
SWC 2012 Second Place
Mizan de la Plume Kuro
Also Known As:
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Mizan de la Plume Kuro
Visit Mizan de la Plume Kuro's homepage!
Find all posts by Mizan de la Plume Kuro
Find threads started by Mizan de la Plume Kuro
Ignore Posts by Mizan de la Plume Kuro