Thread: [Pokémon] Pokemon Johto Adventures 1
View Single Post
  #2    
Old February 2nd, 2012 (06:59 PM).
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic psyanic is offline
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Posts: 1,283
Okay, ready for your review? You better be. To start with, I wouldn't use the actual numbers (7) instead of saying the letter-forms (seven). The rule is to spell out single digit numbers, but you can use the actual numbers for anything in double digits or higher.

Another thing, your grammar is off. It's not very clear and your story is hard to understand because of it. I would highly suggest reading over your story before posting and think about getting a beta-reader to help you out with that.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
In one warm summer day in New Bark Town, peace has been quite refreshing for the community. The bright and warm exciting ball of light woke up and greeted the morning with it's warm inviting rays of light. Bird Pokemon, such as Starly, flew happily with their piercing cries.
The first sentence of this paragraph is a bit awkward itself. I'd think most towns would be peaceful, I mean it's not like your setting is a few months after wartime or something. Also, I bolded two of the verbs because your tense agreement is not the same. "Has" is present while "greeted" is past-tense, so stick with one tense to avoid any kind of confusion.

"It's" is incorrect because that would be the conjugation of "it is", so the correct form would be "its" because that form would exhibit possession, which is what you're trying to get across here. And I have a bit of a problem when you describe the sun. The sun is just the sun. It's the same on most days, with the exceptions of solar eclipses, and it doesn't really need a description. It's perfectly fine to just say, "The sun shone brightly down on the tranquil town."

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
And Grass-type Pokemon woke up from their shrubs, trees and grasses and they all walked to the brightest ray from the sun and showered in the sunlight. Water Pokemon swam happily with their colony.
I bolded "and" because it needs a comma before it. When you list things, there needs to be a comma before the and otherwise the meaning literally changes to "trees and grass".

I don't really like that you don't use specifics for the Pokemon. You just use their generic typings. It's less descriptive and takes away from the image. I mean the Grass Pokemon could be a herd of Venusaur and the Water Pokemon could be Wailords. Try to use specifics to help your imaging.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
In a local residents house, there lies a boy sleeping on his bed. He rotates around his bed, snoring loudly like a bear. The yellow rays that were generated from the sun penetrated through the sealed windows and it shone at his face. It tingled his face slightly, at the point where he arose out of his bed.
"Resident's" is the correct form because it should show possession, whereas the current form you're using is just the plural. And you can stop describing the sun, I mean you've said something about the sun in almost every single paragraph leading up to this one. It's overkill. We get it, it's morning and the sun is happy. Once is enough.

This paragraph is also in the third person. The rest of your story is in the first person. That is very bad. You should not change from the point of views so frequently, even more in the same chapter. I know notable exceptions, but the narrator doesn't even change. It's still the boy. Leave it as the first, since most of it is in the first. It's confusing so please be consistent when you write.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
This is boy is me, 3 years ago. My name is Blake and this is the day when I receive a Cyndaquil so I can be like my dad, but he's not there since he left us when I was 5.
The first sentence has one too many verbs. And the verbs aren't even in the correct tense. You're saying that the kid is the narrator three years prior, but he's speaking in the present tense? Think logically. Use past tense verbs such as "was". The "when" is also unnecessary.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
My mom wants me to be like my dad since that he won 3 Pokemon Leagues out of the 5 regions of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Unova. 5 minutes after I stretched and brushed my teeth gently like my mom tells me, I then came out of my bathroom and walked to my closet.
Take out "that". Also, I don't get the point of the second bolded part. It seems very pointless. Actually, it is very pointless.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
I then pull my Marill sleepwear and put on my jeans and yellow shirt. Then I put on my brown gloves and goggles and then walked downstairs to the kitchen.
Pull could simply mean he pinched a bit of fabric and stretched his arm out, then he dressed on top of it. Pulled doesn't mean he took it off. Use a better verb. And I thought it was rude that Blake is putting on gloves and goggles when he's eating breakfast. I mean who wears that indoors? Think about it.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
As I walked down to the cabinet, I then got my Corn Flakes cereal and stuffed it at my mouth quickly as possible so I can leave early.
You already use "as" so you don't need to use "then". It's overkill man. And for the second bold, it should be "in" since "at" would imply he's just throwing cereal at his mouth and probably not eating most of it. What a pig.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
I choked for 20 seconds until I managed to swallow them all in my stomach. Then I heard about something going on in TV, I got up from my seat and walked down to the living room, seeing my curious mother watching old clips about my dad winning in the Unova league 20 something years ago.
Yes, when you swallow your food follows the digestive track to eventually go to the stomach. That's kind of common knowledge. And there's nothing curious about watching TV.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
In the video, it showed the Champion Alder against my dad. In this battle, it was my dad's Charizard against Alder's Druddigon.
"Char, use Seismic Toss. Finish this once and for all," Dad commanded.
Char nodded in response. He flew down from the sky like a meteor and grabbed Druddigon.
"Druddigon, use Thunder Fang to release yourself," Alder yelled.
Druddigon tried biting Char, but Char squeezed him harder. It was like a balloon being deflated, Druddigon was losing power the tighter Char held on. Char then flew up higher toward the sky and rotated counterclockwise. As Char dived hard toward the ground, he let go of Druddigion, forcing him to slam into the arena.
Space out the dialogue. Space out the dialogue. Space out the dialogue. It's easier to read and if it's not spaced out, it looks flat out messy. In addition, this is the freaking championship battle. Sure they're watching it, but watching sports still brings you some kind of emotion, adrenaline at least. Seriously, put it some more avid descriptions. Battles aren't exactly static like in the games. Fiction can brings this out, and that's your job. Convey the battle scene to bring in the emotions of the battle. Blake's mother could watch with her dull eyes because she was watching it all night. She jumps whenever "Char" gets hit. Whatever it is, make it interesting. Describing attacks and people yelling commands are not the only things going on in a battle. I'm going on a massive rant here, but I hope you get the point.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
A fume of dust covered the arena. After the dust settled, the scene showed Druddigon lying on his back, his mouth slightly bleeding.
"Fume of dust" is weak. And I don't really associate fume with dust. I think cloud of dust sounds better. And "slightly bleeding" is also a weak description. You could say a few of his teeth chipped off and stuck into his gums, blood rushing from his wounds.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
The announcer releases a saline water, erupting from his skin. Then he grabs his microphone and puts it at the base of his mouth. "Incredible! This is the 3rd time we see this young 15 year old boy winning at the Pokemon League. Give a round of applause with Rald and Char the Charizard!"
Then he grabs his microphone and puts it at the base of his mouth. "Incredible! This is the 3rd time we see this young 15 year old boy winning at the Pokemon League. Give a round of applause with Rald and Char the Charizard!"
I hope you realized you just repeated the dialogue here. Might want to delete the second dialogue set.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Everyone cheered, with their happily cheers emitting out of their mouthes
Where else would cheers come from? Their socks? Common sense... Also, try not to just go off and list a Pokemon team. That's boring. You don't have to say anything because I'd think they'd be knocked out or something.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Seeing this from the TV, my mom then shuts it off, crying. "Oh Rald, why are you gone....... please come back..." She then places her ringed palm at her face, crying loudly.
That's a bit too emotional. Blake's father left him when he was about five, and he's around ten now, right? So his mother should have gotten over it by now. If not, at least seeing a shrink every week or something.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
On their journey, dad and Charmander grew to become quite the pair.
"Dad" is capitalized because you're using "Dad" as a name and not the pronoun.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
He managed to win by recongizing his own shortcomings and using that to prevail.
Recognizing.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
2 years later, I was born, after that, my mom yet gave up battling and started taking care of me. Before my dad left, he tells me amazing stories on how he goes through his amazing adventures. He used to be a noob back when he was in Kanto until he realized of how to fully bond and understand Pokemon.
Take out "yet". Also, noob? Really? You can use much better words, like rookie or amateur. But noob?

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
This caused Char to evolve into a Charizard in Johto after he lost in his big mistake in the Pokemon League.
This part was confusing, for me at least. The Pokemon League is so generic and you said his dad traveled everywhere. This is just too vague. And I don't think he lost in a big mistake, I think you meant tournament or battle.

I thought it was odd that Blake didn't take his Elekid. You did say it was his and all, so why not take that instead? Trainers don't always need the standard starters. And how is there an Oshawott when this is in Johto? Keep it in canon please.

I'll repeat this: read over your story. Check it for all the basic mechanics and make sure it's good enough to read. Your spelling is mostly fine, I found only one mistake. But the grammar can only look better really. I'd say get a beta-reader to help you out with the grammar and your plot. One thing too common is that people always try to describe the protagonist's pasts right off the bat.

Blake isn't smart is he? He let out the fire-breathing monster right after it tried burning down a laboratory. Genius there, pure genius. And when did he find a leash? Sounds weird. And how could he carry him if he couldn't drag him? That doesn't make much sense either.

Your descriptions are screaming for more. Comparing a Pokemon to a totem pole is rather farfetched. Cyndaquil's attitude better be explained, I mean it's weird that such a young Pokemon would behave that way. Most starters are usually born and raised in captivity, raised to be a starter Pokemon. They're starters for a reason, so they'd best be more mild and friendlier than other Pokemon. At least that's what I get from some canon. There are exceptions and all.

One more point then I swear I'm done. You write in the first person, and that narrative is pretty much perfect for conveying imagery. When readers read through someone else's eyes, they can see and hear everything. They can taste the moldy pizza they were forced to eat because of a dare. You know why they can? Because you're telling them how. So do your job, describe things in a way that other people would think almost exactly what you think. You should also add more emotions into Blake. He's pretty bland and seemed flat to me. "I felt bad" is like a cheater's way out.

I alos suggest that you head over to the Writer's Lounge and check out a few of the guides there. You'll see them easily enough; they're all sticky. I'll see your progress on this so please try to use my advice and improve on your story!
Reply With Quote