Lost in a Dismal Flame
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October 21st, 2012 (07:46 PM).
Join Date: Oct 2012
It could have certaintly used a polishing up, but I liked this story nethertheless. You just don't dissapoint Psyanic. So let me point out a few, I guess personal nitpicks.
After that, a sudden calm engulfed me.
"After that, a sudden feeling of calmness engulfed me."
It sounds more appropraite with the usage of the abstract nouns "feeling" and" calmness" it adds description. It's a bit difficult to put in words, it completes the sentence in a way. It gives "calm" much more quality in my opinion and it just sounds better to me overall. Although, the orginial sentence sounds great as well.
And because I knew you wanted it so much, I wanted to evolve
It would be a while, though.
Here are two examples of overusing commas. I don't believe you need to place a comma after
because a comma makes a person pause. And when you pause the flow of the reading gets disturbed. Same thing with after
Then again, using the conjunction
feels irrelevant since you already implyied that strenght comes with evolution.
Anyhow moving to the story. The plot itself was touchy and sentimental (which I think was the theme, right?). I remember that Alder stated in B&W that his first pokemon had died as a result of him being obsessed with strenght. It was interesting to read about the POV of the pokemon that died. Of course it's too bad we didn't know which of Alder's pokemon died. Which makes a great subject for a fanfiction. You're right that the your story wasn't inconsistent with the canon, since the pokemon that died wasn't Alder's first pokemon. Though, it would have been slightly better if not best to have made Timburr his first pokemon.
Aside from that I think you should have polished it before you posted it. Remember people like reading your best work, not anything lower than best quality the author has to offer. It makes you appear lazy. Hey aren't we all? Ha! Since you did post this somewhere you did have a chance to fix it up a bit. It does feel it needs a few tweeks here and there. Especially with that comma thing. Yeah, I understand, we're all busy people.
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