Thread: [Pokémon] Revolution - PG13
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Old December 7th, 2012 (02:12 PM).
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dudebot
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A nice, fresh story. Different and darker, it gives a sense of realism to the Pokemon world. It especially makes people consider the feelings of Pokemon in a world where they are forced to battle each other to the point of fainting.

However, it does have it's downfalls.
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Normally, I don't review sentence structure, grammar or things in the category, but . . .

Quote originally posted by Aisu:

Imagine only. With these rebels, I heavily doubt you’ll live to see the papers when they do produce them.” Reyes gestured to the scene around them. “I mean, you see the number they’ve done on Snowpoint already. Imagine what they could do if their numbers doubled, or even tripled.”
I found this incomplete sentence minor (especially since it's a character speaking), but it left me slightly confused about the very next sentence. Which caused me to have to go back and read the last paragraph over again in hopes that I missed something. I did not.

Quote originally posted by Aisu:
Reyes knocked him over the head, carefully avoiding using his razor-sharp leaves. Dominic tensed up suddenly, turning his ears around halfway. Reyes looked over his shoulder and saw an incoming cloud of dirt going at a fast pace towards them. As it grew closer he could make out various Pokémon, all with furious expressions. He tapped Dominic’s shoulder.
The paragraph lacks fluidity. Nothing wrong with it, it just comes off as a bit mechanical.

Quote originally posted by Aisu:
“Who’s there?” he shouted in the darkness. A batch of PokeBalls shifted in the corner, sending up clouds of dust. A Bisharp got out of the mess. “Rebel or revolutionary?” Reyes demanded, jabbing his finger at him. The Bisharp jumped a bit, surprised.
Factual Error: A rebel and a revolutionary are essentially the same thing. Thus, the confusion in differentiation of the two parties can make it harder to read the story.

Quote originally posted by Aisu:
They made idle conversation after that. Bisharp explained how his Trainer had travelled to Sinnoh to challenge all the Gym Leaders and made it up to the Snowpoint Gym. He decided to heal him before challenging Candice but before he could leave the rebels attacked. Through the fire wall Bisharp couldn’t find his Trainer and had been there ever since, hiding. It was a surprise to Reyes when the sky began dropping shades until it was a deep red-black color.
Two things.
One, the sentence is a little confusing.
Two, I'm wondering how he can see the sky inside such a dark P.C.


Quote originally posted by Aisu:
“No,” Dominic argued, balling up his fists. “It’s a shelter under the Veilstone Department Store where they shove in raggedy old mattresses for everyone to sleep on and a whole bunch of Poffins instead of real food, and then there are people barking orders at you every other minute your not trying to sleep over all the noise.”
*you're

Sorry, it's a pet peeve to point this out at least once, lol.

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All in all, the story has too much Imagery as well as too much Mental Imagery. It's so hard to discern what's going on at times. Though this helps with the chaotic mood you want to set for a war, it's pretty hard for a reader to know what's going on at times. To summarize, I recognized that Dominic was the Zoroark midway through the story and I'm still not completely sure what Reyes is, even after re-reading.

Plus, the war isn't quite explained in the best terms. What happened to humans, generally? They're much weaker than most pokemon, so what happens to them in this desolate time? If they're not around or not the majority anymore, what's the reason for any of the fighting at this point?

One major problem with the storyline that I had is the Pokemon themselves. Since when did captured pokemon feel the need to rebel? I always thought that once they were caught, they just dealt with it and tried their best to get along with the trainer? If a trainer feeds you and cares for you, would there be any reason for most pokemon to feel the need to start a revolution. I understand wild pokemon (even though they wouldn't necessarily know the pain of being captured), but the premise is a bit hard to get behind. However, that's only from a writer's point of view. To a natural reader, it's not all that unbelievable.

It's a good idea. And with a few tweaks, it could be one of the best stories on here.
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