Painite Chronicles: Vincent's Story
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April 14th, 2013 (3:52 PM).
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
An interesting story to say the least and I'm definitely going to check in often to see how the story develops further, but there are some things I would consider revising.
The story seems to switch between 1st and 3rd person a lot. In the beginning we are reading "I, me, my" and so the story starts out in first person, but once I read on to chapter 2 (I'm guessing the line means the start of a new chapter) it switches to "he and him". I think you should decide which way the story is going to continue, change it into the beginning, and write the rest of the story in that person.
The only other thing I would critique is the way you write out the characters' speech:
Vincent: "I'm sorry to disturb you at this time, but I just woke up in the forest. I was wondering if you could help me out with some food, I have some money."
Grandpa: "No, times are hard all over."
Vincent: "Wait! Please! Ugh!"
This type of speech is only used in play scripts where the script is telling the actor who says what where. The proper way to signify a character is speaking in a book is something along the lines like this:
"Yes?" an old man emerged from the doorway wearing a frown that probably never went away.
"I'm sorry to disturb you at this time, but I just woke up in the forest. I was wondering if you could help me out with a little bit of food, I have some money." Vincent replied pleading with the old man
"No, times are hard all over." The old man replied slamming the door in Vincent's face.
"Wait! Please! Ugh!" Vincent gave up and started walking down the driveway, "I can't believe that old fart. He runs a farm, why wouldn't he have enough to spare? I even offered him money…Why didn't he accept?"
Something along those lines should work. I'm not a perfect writer, I'm not even really that good, but I hoped I helped out and got everything correct. You've got a very good story shaping here and I'll be back to check on your progress.
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