Team Destiny BF's Adventures
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June 7th, 2013 (3:04 PM).
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Nomnom Town
It's weird. This is short and yet, it's a bit too sporadic.
Let me just say, this is a terrific premise for what appears to be a Mystery Dungeon story. However, the sentence structure and the scene-jumping makes it a bit difficult to read. It's not too difficult on account of the story being relatively short, but it still has an effect.
Now, a few things about spelling and grammar. One thing, you're spelling *Cyndaquil wrong. You have a few syntax errors and misspellings throughout the story. Another thing is paragraph structure. To make for a smoother read, you would usually start a new paragraph whenever a different person talks. For example:
"Knock it off Yamask! I really need my money back to buy medicines for my mom," pleads Cyndaquil.
"Actually, that's more of a reason to keep your money. Plus, one of your pals does owe me a few pokedollars," says Yamask back. "And if you want the money so bad, why won't you just fight for it!"
All spelling and grammar aside, this is a story with noticeable potential. And it seems that Giratina is finally portrayed in a role where he's not angry with the world or something. I'm all for that. I'll be popping in this thread to check in on the story. A little bit of tightening up and I'll be a fan for sure.
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