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Rhyming Stories: A Silly Snorlax

Adam Levine

Adam Levine

[color=#ffffff][font="Century Gothic"]I have tried
5,200
Posts
12
Years
    • There was once a Snorlax,happy as can be,
    he is always filled with glee.
    But not inside. He's very funny.
    For his performance, most Pokemon give him money.
    He's sad inside,because of what he did,
    he accidentally destroyed a bridge. Then he hid!
    When he was crying he sat on the shore,
    where he could go and speak to himself whatever for more.
    Wailmer went and asked,"Why are you sad?"
    78343639.png

    Then Snorlax replied,"I did something bad."
    After explaining the whole story,he walked on the woods,
    23124804.png

    and everytime he wondered. He found what's good!
    He knew he entertains Pokemon,and that's his job!
    He rushed to the show,and that stopped his sob.
    Did you like the poem,great,wasn't it?
    If you didn't like it,say your post a bit.
     
    Bay

    Bay

    6,388
    Posts
    17
    Years
    • All right, I'll say straight out I'm not great with reviewing poetry as I'm still a bit iffy over rhythm schemes and such, but will do my best. One thing I want to say real quick first though is it's better if you hadn't changed the font and color as the readers will have a hard time reading it depending on the default style they use whenever they come to the forums. Just something to consider!

    I think the poem is kind of cute. Ha, of course Snorlax will destroy a bridge, though I have to wonder if he or the other Pokemon considered doing entertainment there is a good idea. @__@ The poem seemed rushed though as you didn't expand upon Wailmer and Snorlax's meeting. The two just talk and that's it. No mention of Wailmer being sorry he heard that or offer some word of advice? Another thing is the last two lines is totally fourth the wall breaking and doesn't relate to the poem at all. It would be better if you have the last line or two conclude the poem better.
     
    Squirrel

    Squirrel

    9,535
    Posts
    12
    Years
    • Age 29
    • Seen May 11, 2023
    This is an interesting poem you've written here with a unique writing style... "There was once a Snorlax,happy as can be, he is always filled with glee." - You've changed between past and present tense here. "he walked on the woods," - this doesn't seem to make sense, unless he was physically walking on the tree tops of the wood? Throughout the poem there are various places where you've used punctuation such as a full stop in the middle of a line where instead of creating a dramatic pause or making the reader think, it instead breaks apart the jolly nursery rhyme rhythm you seem to have tried to create. I'd suggest going back through the poem and re-reading it to yourself and hopefully you'll see what I mean by this. The story itself doesn't actually seem to go anywhere with the theme you're using, what were you trying to relay in this poem? Why was the Snorlax unhappy? Why was he being paid? What was he even doing? I think that how you've answered these three questions within the poem contradicts the rest of the poem, which could be something to check out. Also the last 2 lines are completely unrelated to, well, everything. All in all, not a bad effort, but it could certainly use some improvement :) Can't wait to see more of your work!
     

    Palladium

    2012 FTW!
    270
    Posts
    12
    Years
    • Well, a funny little story, with a good rhythm, but as I'm not a native to the English language, I can't say about the rhyming systems. Well, for example, when you said he's always filled with glee and then followed said he wasn't, inside, it felt strange as "always" is an absolute, that in essence means he has to have glee, and talking I felt that you could have described it a little better, the woods, Snorlax's performance.

    But overall, it's a funny little poem, so it wasn't supposed to be very in-depth in the end.
    That's it, hope it's helpful
     
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