JX Valentine
Your aquatic overlord
- 3,277
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- Harassing Bill
- Seen Aug 19, 2020
I'm going to go back over your first chapter the same way I do with my beta clients: red font everywhere. If I have to make a comment, I'll do so in parentheses (like so). The only reason why I'm doing this is because I'm not entirely sure I got across what I was trying to say the first time around, so your edits actually introduced more errors. Like I said, you really should be getting an actual beta to do this for you before you post.
I will also be going over chapter two in essentially the same way.
Also, I'm not sure why you have two Times New Roman tags per line throughout your first post or why you've put so many font tags in all of your posts, period. If it's the result of copy-pasting, try switching off WYSIWYG mode by clicking on the button in the top right corner of the post reply box that looks like A/A. If you hover over it, it's called "switch editor mode." By switching off WYSIWYG, you're forcing the forums to strip the coding from your work.
If you're doing it by hand, you just need font tags at the beginning and end of your post, not at the beginning and end of every line. It saves time, and the forum recognizes it either way.
Although to really save time and to guarantee that your reader can read what you're posting, a great thing to do would be to use no font tags at all. Same with color. That way, no matter what style they're on, you know they don't have to highlight or squint to understand what you're trying to say.
As a note, the repetition of the same word over and over again at the beginning of every sentence causes your narration to slow down and become a bit dry. It's good if you want a jerking feel – such as if you're trying to create suspense – but for ordinary description, try to come up with different ways to begin a sentence.
Basically, you're saying he can't bite through his cheeks because his teeth are hard. As in, the fact that his teeth are hard has something to do with the fact that he can't bite through his cheeks. I would suggest finding a way to rephrase that because I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant.
Also, fangs are teeth. (Specifically, they're the canine teeth, the same kind we humans have, only sharper.)
If he recognizes them as needles, you don't need to say they're thorns.
Same here. If he thinks they're wires, just call them wires. Otherwise, your writing becomes overly wordy, and your descriptions become redundant.
I made this correction because the repetition of the word "front" in such a short space causes this sentence to become awkward. You can play around with the phrasing (and, in fact, are encouraged to do so – please don't copy and paste my corrections without looking at them first and trying to understand what I'm trying to tell you), but the point is, the repetition of the word "front" makes your writing feel a little redundant. Not to mention such a short sentence to describe one thing feels a little unnecessary.
Again, because you already establish that he's walking forward, it seems redundant and awkward to say that he's doing so again. It would be a good idea to combine these two sentences into one or at least to remove the part about walking forward in the second sentence (possibly replacing it with something else, considering ripping IVs out of one's own body improperly tends to hurt like a ***** – and, yes, I know this from experience).
Also, isn't he in a smaller tube? Or did you change that as well? Because a moment ago, you were saying it's only about the size of two of his arms stretched out (although you don't really specify if they're human or groudon), which means he doesn't have that far to go to rip these things out.)
Again, if the power went out:
1. The subject would notice.
2. I don't believe there would be flashing red lights (if it was completely out).
3. This doesn't explain why the liquid in the tube has randomly drained, considering power =/= drain system.
Because you already have a dialogue tag, it's not necessary to have another one in the same paragraph. You already establish who's speaking and how.
Also, repeating the end of a sentence tends to feel redundant. I would suggest replacing the second "from my memories" with something along the lines of "in my past life." Play around with it, but don't just settle for "in my memories" again.
"Realize" means "to understand just now." Notice would be more along the lines of you just spotted it.
Also, note the lack of a comma at the end of this piece as well as the change from "before" to "a moment ago." Before is a preposition, so something needs to go after it. Also, a comma just doesn't have a function here.
Okay, you keep using this word over and over again. It's okay to use your thesaurus so long as you know what the replacement words you want to use actually mean. As in, if you want to find a synonym for "realize," by all means, go right ahead. (However, yes, as a warning, you'll want to be familiar with what those synonyms actually mean before using them.)
…Wait, what? O_o
First off, okay, so Groudon can learn Thunder Wave and Thunderbolt. Still, it seems rather convenient that this character, who can barely think straight as it is, suddenly knows exactly how to do it. Granted, Groudon's probably interfering, but your writing just doesn't imply that that's what's going on. Right now, we read this and think that it's the human (the one who's narrating this story) who's executing the maneuver, which makes one wonder how he could pull this kind of stunt off.
Second, electricity does not cause metal to melt completely – especially in the Pokémon universe. If anything, metal can either conduct electricity and channel it into the ground/other point or serve as an insulator and resist electricity in the first place. Basically speaking, if you cut open a wire, what you'll find is, yes, metal. 'Course, it depends on what the bars are made out of, but if the answer is steel or iron, no, it's not going to melt just by a few seconds of electricity. If the answer is aluminum or tin… no. And if it's copper, then the result's probably going to hurt the character more than the bars.
Point is, you're writing science fiction, so you'll really want to pay close attention to science and all those little details. Look things up on Google before adding them into your fic. Even small things like "will this melt at X temperature, and what voltage of electricity for how much time would generate X temperature?" should be double-checked.
Ground-types (such as Groudon) have a 1x weakness to fire, and the kid's currently flesh and blood. I'm not sure if he would logically shrug off multiple Flamethrowers. (If we're going by game logic, this should make even less sense because fire attacks would double in power in the vicinity of Groudon. However, this depends on whether or not you consider Drought – and, therefore, Sunny Day – to only have an effect outside.)
Side note, but I never really thought of Groudon as being particularly fast. In fact, if we consider its in-game speed (90) as an indicator for how fast it should be, it's most likely average. It can probably sprint, but run at blinding speeds? Probably not.
In fact, if you want a comparison, Groudon's speed is the same as Furret's, and it's outsped by Grovyle.
It's a bit strange that this former human has no qualms with killing. Granted, Groudon wants him to kill because they were taken captive, but it's clear they're two different mindsets. He doesn't think about it and doesn't argue or contemplate whether or not he should. He just does it. Why? Up until now, he seems to be human or at least one disoriented creature. He doesn't seem angry, and revenge or hatred towards his targets doesn't seem to cross his mind before the voice in his head tells him to kill everyone. I suppose you could be trying to go for the psychopath killer a la River Tam, but even then, you don't really convey that this person is really flipping unstable. He just goes from vaguely disoriented and somewhat indifferent about his surroundings (considering he never really details how he feels about them except to describe them briefly as a prison) to "YAY KILL KILL KILL." Again, there's no real transition, so it's difficult to really grasp his character or to see him as a believable person.
Okay, so, I think you misunderstood what I meant about dialogue. In order to fully explain, let me first identify the parts of a quote:
Dialogue tag: A dialogue tag is the part that defines who's speaking and how. In this example, the who is "the voice," and the how is "growls." In any other example, you might have things like, "Bob said" or "Diane yelled" or "Stacy asked." It's nothing else. Not a character and the action they're taking at the same time, not what someone else is doing, nothing else.
The quote: Also, dialogue. Basically, it's everything inside the quotation marks.
Now, to form dialogue, you need to have both parts unless it's a conversation between two characters that's gone on for so long your reader can pretty much figure out for themselves who's saying what. Chances are, for the most part, you'll need the dialogue tag and the quote together.
Okay, second rule. The dialogue tag and the quote by the tag's character need to be in the same paragraph. This is why it's essential that you know when to begin a new paragraph. It's because if you put someone else's quote in the same paragraph as a dialogue tag, the dialogue tag automatically says that every quote in that paragraph is being said by that single character. For example, if you have this:
"Hi," Diane said. "How've you been?" Rob asked.
It doesn't matter if you have that other dialogue tag because the reader automatically thinks that Diane's the one saying the second quote. Likewise, if you orphan a quote like this:
The voice growls
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
The reader automatically thinks that someone else is saying that last line.
Third rule. Depending on where the quote happens, you'll have to punctuate accordingly. It's easier to show you examples:
If the quote happens before the dialogue tag:
"Hi," Diane asked.
"How have you been?" Rob asked.
(Note that the first quote would normally use a period if it wasn't a quote. This is because the sentence doesn't technically end with the closing quotation mark, so you need that comma to tell the reader to keep going. A question or an exclamation can only use a question mark and an exclamation point, however.)
If the quote happens around the dialogue tag:
(Note the commas.)
"How," Rob asked, "have you been?"
If the quote happens after the dialogue tag:
(Note the commas.)
Diane said, "Hi."
Rob asked, "How have you been?"
It's a bit confusing, but the short of it is that if you're writing dialogue, don't separate who's saying the quote from what they're saying.
Also, fresh comments for chapter two. Note again the paragraph spacing for dialogue, which is all pretty much corrected below.
Trundle means to (literally) roll. As in, you're not really going through a leisurely walk. You're rolling as if you're on a wheel.
Maybe you were thinking of "tramping"?
Wait. Why weren't those burned off, considering he seems to be burning everything else? Note that flame-retardant clothing would probably be rather uncomfortable against one's own nether regions.
It's perfectly all right to use synonyms in dialogue instead of the same thing over and over again. For example, it's great that he's growling, but it's okay to have him snarl, snap, or something else as well.
Basically, you've got to be consistent with capitalization. If you're not going to capitalize the word "pokémon" when it's being used as a common noun, you can't capitalize "groudon" when it's being used as a common noun, either. As in, if you say "a pokémon," you can only really say "a groudon" because otherwise, you're violating your own capitalization rules.
Stone and rock are the same thing, so this sounds a bit redundant. Try choosing one or the other but not both.
Which is strange, considering there's a volcano before this point – unless it was an underwater volcano (at which point, it'd be helpful to point that part out). In other words, what you're saying is that the character is witnessing the creation of land when there was already land before then.
The plural of every pokémon name is the same as the singular form. For example, it's not two pikachus. It's two pikachu.
Also, a quick flip through an online pokédex or a glance over by a beta is, again, a good idea to avoid misspelling a pokémon's name (like feraligatr).
Would an ancient pokémon that is essentially a god as old as the earth itself (literally) really be speaking this informally to someone? O_o That's like meeting Jesus and expecting him to say, "'Sup, dawg. Heard you were hangin' with the homeys down there."
Wait… huh? O_o
If you genetically fuse one organism to another, you're just working with DNA. You're not working on a psychological level. As in, if you fuse someone's DNA with another creature's, unless both brains are present, their minds really shouldn't be separate entities like this. At least, that's how science fiction usually treats it.
To give you an example (also from sci-fi), you've got The Fly, where a human scientist is fused on a genetic level to – you guessed it – a housefly. Throughout the movie, he's mentally human. There's no trace whatsoever to a fly mind also buzzing around inside him and demanding him to do things. It's only when his brain changes that his brain patterns begin to change, and even then, it's only described as an adaptation. As in, rather than have two separate minds communicating with each other, it's still his single mind. It's just that it's slowly converting itself into a fly's to adapt to his changing body.
In other words, genetic fusion =/= psychological transference. By all logic, if the kid got groudon DNA in his body, he probably will still be thinking on his own – without Groudon's presence inside him – because Groudon's brain wouldn't be there. However, if they were actually fused to each other, then chances are, the kid would be assimilated into Groudon because of a mass difference. (Also an example that occurred in The Fly. When the scientist stepped out of his handy machine, the fly was gone because his body, which had more mass, absorbed it. Otherwise, you're going to end up having to account for the missing mass, which is just too entirely complicated.)
Overall, again, you should really get a beta reader. Have that beta proofread your work thoroughly before you post it. While it seems rather anal to do, part of whether or not your fic really succeeds (and may I remind you that for awhile, your fic was a two-star fic) is in the delivery. A ton of errors mean that your reader is likely to stumble over them. It's like having a rug in the middle of the floor, but the rug has bumps here and there. Anyone who walks in could trip over those bumps, and it just ends up painful. You want that rug smooth so your reader can focus completely and entirely on only your story. That's what a beta does: makes sure your work is perfect before you post it so you don't end up with odd errors.
Also, a beta can help you with odd details in logic. For example, you've got little things like the bars just melting from exposure to electricity. Even in the world of Pokémon with its Disney science, this doesn't happen. On a larger scale, you've got oddities with your characters.
Now, I just need to stop and talk about your characters for a bit. So far, we've got two actual main ones: the human and the groudon. Groudon is a bit interesting because he's a bit more sarcastic and informal than what one would expect from an ancient god. For that reason, it can stay or go, but my personal concern is that it's a bit odd for an ancient god to talk like that. (As I've said before, try to imagine Jesus calling you a homey, and you've got pretty much the same thing going on here.)
However, the human is a bit more of a cause for concern. Basically, although he's the narrator, you don't really let him react to things until it's convenient. So, there's no build-up to the sudden burst of hatred and the bloodthirsty rampage he experiences at the end of chapter one. Like I said before, he goes from his confused state observing the world with an almost detached manner to homicidal maniac. Likewise, in the second chapter, you seem to downplay his reaction to being fused to a legendary. He stammers at times, but he's not struck in awe or terror over the potentially destructive power his body now contains. All he does is talk to Groudon for a bit, light his hand on fire, and say the equivalent of, "Ooh. Fire pretty." There's no sense of wonder here, nothing to indicate that he's had some serious news dumped on him (considering, you know, he was first told he's not entirely human and then told he was fused to a legendary pokémon). Just, "Oh, hey, this is cool." So, he feels a bit one-dimensional – as in, a flat character. To be blunt, he could potentially be an interesting character to watch, but the problem is there's nothing to watch. He doesn't act. He just does what he's told, and he doesn't have any sort of emotion beyond that.
Moreover, again, things are seemingly made easy for him. He automatically knows how to use his powers. (The first chapter, I'm willing to believe that was Groudon attacking people, even though you heavily imply that the human was the one experiencing bloodlust and such. At the end of the second chapter, however, that's just got to be him playing with fire there.) Even when confronted with a problem, he smashes through it as if it's nothing. He's not affected by fire, and he conveniently has electrical powers to melt down metal bars. On top of everything else, he has super speed bestowed by a vague electric-type to allow him to race past everyone else and massacre the crap out of the lab. In other words, he still seems a bit Stuish because there's no adjustment period. You imply that it's still him (as in, he's the one who's using these powers, despite never having had to learn how), he defies logic and science, and at the end of it all, you really don't have him react emotionally to anything around him except for brief lines of dialogue.
As I've said originally, the concept has potential if done well. You've got potential psychological conflict all over the place, and everyone loves a superhero fic, particularly if it's full of violence and dysfunctional heroes. You just really need to clean it up, take your time, get a beta, and work things out a bit more carefully in order to iron out all the problems you're encountering. Otherwise, your story will just be lost due to delivery.
I will also be going over chapter two in essentially the same way.
Also, I'm not sure why you have two Times New Roman tags per line throughout your first post or why you've put so many font tags in all of your posts, period. If it's the result of copy-pasting, try switching off WYSIWYG mode by clicking on the button in the top right corner of the post reply box that looks like A/A. If you hover over it, it's called "switch editor mode." By switching off WYSIWYG, you're forcing the forums to strip the coding from your work.
If you're doing it by hand, you just need font tags at the beginning and end of your post, not at the beginning and end of every line. It saves time, and the forum recognizes it either way.
Although to really save time and to guarantee that your reader can read what you're posting, a great thing to do would be to use no font tags at all. Same with color. That way, no matter what style they're on, you know they don't have to highlight or squint to understand what you're trying to say.
As a note, the repetition of the same word over and over again at the beginning of every sentence causes your narration to slow down and become a bit dry. It's good if you want a jerking feel – such as if you're trying to create suspense – but for ordinary description, try to come up with different ways to begin a sentence.
Basically, you're saying he can't bite through his cheeks because his teeth are hard. As in, the fact that his teeth are hard has something to do with the fact that he can't bite through his cheeks. I would suggest finding a way to rephrase that because I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant.
Also, fangs are teeth. (Specifically, they're the canine teeth, the same kind we humans have, only sharper.)
If he recognizes them as needles, you don't need to say they're thorns.
Same here. If he thinks they're wires, just call them wires. Otherwise, your writing becomes overly wordy, and your descriptions become redundant.
I made this correction because the repetition of the word "front" in such a short space causes this sentence to become awkward. You can play around with the phrasing (and, in fact, are encouraged to do so – please don't copy and paste my corrections without looking at them first and trying to understand what I'm trying to tell you), but the point is, the repetition of the word "front" makes your writing feel a little redundant. Not to mention such a short sentence to describe one thing feels a little unnecessary.
Again, because you already establish that he's walking forward, it seems redundant and awkward to say that he's doing so again. It would be a good idea to combine these two sentences into one or at least to remove the part about walking forward in the second sentence (possibly replacing it with something else, considering ripping IVs out of one's own body improperly tends to hurt like a ***** – and, yes, I know this from experience).
Also, isn't he in a smaller tube? Or did you change that as well? Because a moment ago, you were saying it's only about the size of two of his arms stretched out (although you don't really specify if they're human or groudon), which means he doesn't have that far to go to rip these things out.)
Again, if the power went out:
1. The subject would notice.
2. I don't believe there would be flashing red lights (if it was completely out).
3. This doesn't explain why the liquid in the tube has randomly drained, considering power =/= drain system.
Because you already have a dialogue tag, it's not necessary to have another one in the same paragraph. You already establish who's speaking and how.
Also, repeating the end of a sentence tends to feel redundant. I would suggest replacing the second "from my memories" with something along the lines of "in my past life." Play around with it, but don't just settle for "in my memories" again.
"Realize" means "to understand just now." Notice would be more along the lines of you just spotted it.
Also, note the lack of a comma at the end of this piece as well as the change from "before" to "a moment ago." Before is a preposition, so something needs to go after it. Also, a comma just doesn't have a function here.
Okay, you keep using this word over and over again. It's okay to use your thesaurus so long as you know what the replacement words you want to use actually mean. As in, if you want to find a synonym for "realize," by all means, go right ahead. (However, yes, as a warning, you'll want to be familiar with what those synonyms actually mean before using them.)
…Wait, what? O_o
First off, okay, so Groudon can learn Thunder Wave and Thunderbolt. Still, it seems rather convenient that this character, who can barely think straight as it is, suddenly knows exactly how to do it. Granted, Groudon's probably interfering, but your writing just doesn't imply that that's what's going on. Right now, we read this and think that it's the human (the one who's narrating this story) who's executing the maneuver, which makes one wonder how he could pull this kind of stunt off.
Second, electricity does not cause metal to melt completely – especially in the Pokémon universe. If anything, metal can either conduct electricity and channel it into the ground/other point or serve as an insulator and resist electricity in the first place. Basically speaking, if you cut open a wire, what you'll find is, yes, metal. 'Course, it depends on what the bars are made out of, but if the answer is steel or iron, no, it's not going to melt just by a few seconds of electricity. If the answer is aluminum or tin… no. And if it's copper, then the result's probably going to hurt the character more than the bars.
Point is, you're writing science fiction, so you'll really want to pay close attention to science and all those little details. Look things up on Google before adding them into your fic. Even small things like "will this melt at X temperature, and what voltage of electricity for how much time would generate X temperature?" should be double-checked.
Ground-types (such as Groudon) have a 1x weakness to fire, and the kid's currently flesh and blood. I'm not sure if he would logically shrug off multiple Flamethrowers. (If we're going by game logic, this should make even less sense because fire attacks would double in power in the vicinity of Groudon. However, this depends on whether or not you consider Drought – and, therefore, Sunny Day – to only have an effect outside.)
Side note, but I never really thought of Groudon as being particularly fast. In fact, if we consider its in-game speed (90) as an indicator for how fast it should be, it's most likely average. It can probably sprint, but run at blinding speeds? Probably not.
In fact, if you want a comparison, Groudon's speed is the same as Furret's, and it's outsped by Grovyle.
It's a bit strange that this former human has no qualms with killing. Granted, Groudon wants him to kill because they were taken captive, but it's clear they're two different mindsets. He doesn't think about it and doesn't argue or contemplate whether or not he should. He just does it. Why? Up until now, he seems to be human or at least one disoriented creature. He doesn't seem angry, and revenge or hatred towards his targets doesn't seem to cross his mind before the voice in his head tells him to kill everyone. I suppose you could be trying to go for the psychopath killer a la River Tam, but even then, you don't really convey that this person is really flipping unstable. He just goes from vaguely disoriented and somewhat indifferent about his surroundings (considering he never really details how he feels about them except to describe them briefly as a prison) to "YAY KILL KILL KILL." Again, there's no real transition, so it's difficult to really grasp his character or to see him as a believable person.
Okay, so, I think you misunderstood what I meant about dialogue. In order to fully explain, let me first identify the parts of a quote:
Dialogue tag: A dialogue tag is the part that defines who's speaking and how. In this example, the who is "the voice," and the how is "growls." In any other example, you might have things like, "Bob said" or "Diane yelled" or "Stacy asked." It's nothing else. Not a character and the action they're taking at the same time, not what someone else is doing, nothing else.
The quote: Also, dialogue. Basically, it's everything inside the quotation marks.
Now, to form dialogue, you need to have both parts unless it's a conversation between two characters that's gone on for so long your reader can pretty much figure out for themselves who's saying what. Chances are, for the most part, you'll need the dialogue tag and the quote together.
Okay, second rule. The dialogue tag and the quote by the tag's character need to be in the same paragraph. This is why it's essential that you know when to begin a new paragraph. It's because if you put someone else's quote in the same paragraph as a dialogue tag, the dialogue tag automatically says that every quote in that paragraph is being said by that single character. For example, if you have this:
"Hi," Diane said. "How've you been?" Rob asked.
It doesn't matter if you have that other dialogue tag because the reader automatically thinks that Diane's the one saying the second quote. Likewise, if you orphan a quote like this:
The voice growls
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
The reader automatically thinks that someone else is saying that last line.
Third rule. Depending on where the quote happens, you'll have to punctuate accordingly. It's easier to show you examples:
If the quote happens before the dialogue tag:
"Hi," Diane asked.
"How have you been?" Rob asked.
(Note that the first quote would normally use a period if it wasn't a quote. This is because the sentence doesn't technically end with the closing quotation mark, so you need that comma to tell the reader to keep going. A question or an exclamation can only use a question mark and an exclamation point, however.)
If the quote happens around the dialogue tag:
(Note the commas.)
"How," Rob asked, "have you been?"
If the quote happens after the dialogue tag:
(Note the commas.)
Diane said, "Hi."
Rob asked, "How have you been?"
It's a bit confusing, but the short of it is that if you're writing dialogue, don't separate who's saying the quote from what they're saying.
Also, fresh comments for chapter two. Note again the paragraph spacing for dialogue, which is all pretty much corrected below.
Trundle means to (literally) roll. As in, you're not really going through a leisurely walk. You're rolling as if you're on a wheel.
Maybe you were thinking of "tramping"?
Wait. Why weren't those burned off, considering he seems to be burning everything else? Note that flame-retardant clothing would probably be rather uncomfortable against one's own nether regions.
It's perfectly all right to use synonyms in dialogue instead of the same thing over and over again. For example, it's great that he's growling, but it's okay to have him snarl, snap, or something else as well.
Basically, you've got to be consistent with capitalization. If you're not going to capitalize the word "pokémon" when it's being used as a common noun, you can't capitalize "groudon" when it's being used as a common noun, either. As in, if you say "a pokémon," you can only really say "a groudon" because otherwise, you're violating your own capitalization rules.
Stone and rock are the same thing, so this sounds a bit redundant. Try choosing one or the other but not both.
Which is strange, considering there's a volcano before this point – unless it was an underwater volcano (at which point, it'd be helpful to point that part out). In other words, what you're saying is that the character is witnessing the creation of land when there was already land before then.
The plural of every pokémon name is the same as the singular form. For example, it's not two pikachus. It's two pikachu.
Also, a quick flip through an online pokédex or a glance over by a beta is, again, a good idea to avoid misspelling a pokémon's name (like feraligatr).
Would an ancient pokémon that is essentially a god as old as the earth itself (literally) really be speaking this informally to someone? O_o That's like meeting Jesus and expecting him to say, "'Sup, dawg. Heard you were hangin' with the homeys down there."
Wait… huh? O_o
If you genetically fuse one organism to another, you're just working with DNA. You're not working on a psychological level. As in, if you fuse someone's DNA with another creature's, unless both brains are present, their minds really shouldn't be separate entities like this. At least, that's how science fiction usually treats it.
To give you an example (also from sci-fi), you've got The Fly, where a human scientist is fused on a genetic level to – you guessed it – a housefly. Throughout the movie, he's mentally human. There's no trace whatsoever to a fly mind also buzzing around inside him and demanding him to do things. It's only when his brain changes that his brain patterns begin to change, and even then, it's only described as an adaptation. As in, rather than have two separate minds communicating with each other, it's still his single mind. It's just that it's slowly converting itself into a fly's to adapt to his changing body.
In other words, genetic fusion =/= psychological transference. By all logic, if the kid got groudon DNA in his body, he probably will still be thinking on his own – without Groudon's presence inside him – because Groudon's brain wouldn't be there. However, if they were actually fused to each other, then chances are, the kid would be assimilated into Groudon because of a mass difference. (Also an example that occurred in The Fly. When the scientist stepped out of his handy machine, the fly was gone because his body, which had more mass, absorbed it. Otherwise, you're going to end up having to account for the missing mass, which is just too entirely complicated.)
Overall, again, you should really get a beta reader. Have that beta proofread your work thoroughly before you post it. While it seems rather anal to do, part of whether or not your fic really succeeds (and may I remind you that for awhile, your fic was a two-star fic) is in the delivery. A ton of errors mean that your reader is likely to stumble over them. It's like having a rug in the middle of the floor, but the rug has bumps here and there. Anyone who walks in could trip over those bumps, and it just ends up painful. You want that rug smooth so your reader can focus completely and entirely on only your story. That's what a beta does: makes sure your work is perfect before you post it so you don't end up with odd errors.
Also, a beta can help you with odd details in logic. For example, you've got little things like the bars just melting from exposure to electricity. Even in the world of Pokémon with its Disney science, this doesn't happen. On a larger scale, you've got oddities with your characters.
Now, I just need to stop and talk about your characters for a bit. So far, we've got two actual main ones: the human and the groudon. Groudon is a bit interesting because he's a bit more sarcastic and informal than what one would expect from an ancient god. For that reason, it can stay or go, but my personal concern is that it's a bit odd for an ancient god to talk like that. (As I've said before, try to imagine Jesus calling you a homey, and you've got pretty much the same thing going on here.)
However, the human is a bit more of a cause for concern. Basically, although he's the narrator, you don't really let him react to things until it's convenient. So, there's no build-up to the sudden burst of hatred and the bloodthirsty rampage he experiences at the end of chapter one. Like I said before, he goes from his confused state observing the world with an almost detached manner to homicidal maniac. Likewise, in the second chapter, you seem to downplay his reaction to being fused to a legendary. He stammers at times, but he's not struck in awe or terror over the potentially destructive power his body now contains. All he does is talk to Groudon for a bit, light his hand on fire, and say the equivalent of, "Ooh. Fire pretty." There's no sense of wonder here, nothing to indicate that he's had some serious news dumped on him (considering, you know, he was first told he's not entirely human and then told he was fused to a legendary pokémon). Just, "Oh, hey, this is cool." So, he feels a bit one-dimensional – as in, a flat character. To be blunt, he could potentially be an interesting character to watch, but the problem is there's nothing to watch. He doesn't act. He just does what he's told, and he doesn't have any sort of emotion beyond that.
Moreover, again, things are seemingly made easy for him. He automatically knows how to use his powers. (The first chapter, I'm willing to believe that was Groudon attacking people, even though you heavily imply that the human was the one experiencing bloodlust and such. At the end of the second chapter, however, that's just got to be him playing with fire there.) Even when confronted with a problem, he smashes through it as if it's nothing. He's not affected by fire, and he conveniently has electrical powers to melt down metal bars. On top of everything else, he has super speed bestowed by a vague electric-type to allow him to race past everyone else and massacre the crap out of the lab. In other words, he still seems a bit Stuish because there's no adjustment period. You imply that it's still him (as in, he's the one who's using these powers, despite never having had to learn how), he defies logic and science, and at the end of it all, you really don't have him react emotionally to anything around him except for brief lines of dialogue.
As I've said originally, the concept has potential if done well. You've got potential psychological conflict all over the place, and everyone loves a superhero fic, particularly if it's full of violence and dysfunctional heroes. You just really need to clean it up, take your time, get a beta, and work things out a bit more carefully in order to iron out all the problems you're encountering. Otherwise, your story will just be lost due to delivery.
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