Mmph. What is with all the one-liner reviews that have been popping up in this forum lately? I'd go further into this rant, but I already really have. *points to the link titled "Reviewers" in her sig* In any case, I'll offer some crit, and yes, I'll be a bit harsh. It's just how I review, really, and I don't mean to personally offend you if it comes off as such.
First off, a tip. Whenever you start a new paragraph – even in dialogue to switch speakers – you've
got to hit the enter key not once but
twice. (For example, look at the blank space between each paragraph here. That's what should be appearing between yours.) The reason why is because it's harder for a reader to go over a wall of text. It's more difficult to discern where one paragraph begins and another ends. To make things easy for them (which you always want to do so the reader can focus completely on the story and not try to figure things out), you'll want to make those breaks clear for them.
In case there's some confusion as to when to begin a new paragraph, this is a rough list of what counts:
1. When you begin a new topic. In fiction, this includes moving from one subject to another in terms of description. For example, if you want to have a character leave a house and then describe how they're feeling about leaving, you may want to put the description of the day outside in a completely different paragraph from the description of the character's anxiety and what's triggering it.
2. Whenever you switch speakers. As in, if Jane speaks just before Bob says something, Jane's dialogue needs to be separate from Bob's so it's clear who's saying what.
3. Whenever you switch from speaking to narration. As in, if Jane says something, and then you launch into details about how she carries a box from the room, if that description is longer than a sentence or two, it should count as its own paragraph, with the dialogue placed separately.
If that's unclear, feel free to ask, and I'll try to explain it again.
That said, now for some specifics.
Wilhelm made his way slowly down the Pier, he had just arrived from the far off land Sinnoh.
Mmph. Not a sentence into the story, and you've already got a couple of problems.
1. Unless pier is the actual name of the place, it needs to be lowercase because it's a common noun, not a proper one.
2. This is actually a comma splice – or a run-on sentence. Try this: replace the comma with a period. Notice how you end up with two separate sentences that stand on their own? You really can't do that simply because it's not proper form. It causes the sentences to run into one another awkwardly, and for a first sentence, you
really don't want that because you want to draw in the reader. So, instead, replace the comma with a period.
Incidentally, the "replace a comma/conjunction with a period" trick is something I'd like to call the period test. I'm going to be referring to it frequently, so keep it in mind.
a less than comfortable boat
Because "less-than-comfortable" is serving as one adjective, you'll want to hyphenate it.
he was happy to be on land, well pier.
The last bit seems a little awkward to me. I would suggest that, instead of using a comma to offset it from the rest of the sentence, try a hyphen. That way, you have a sufficient pause, rather than an attempt to use a comma for something it really can't do.
Also, you'll want to take that comma you removed and place it a word to the right (just after well) because otherwise, you're saying the equivalent of it's a good pier. Only in adverb form.
as it pushed into him by the strangers, he couldn't risk letting his identity slip, he didn't want people to know who he was and a hissy fit on the peer wasn't going to help.
1. As it was pushed into him. Without the "was" there, you're implying that the coat is doing the pushing itself, which means the rest of that phrase wouldn't make sense.
2. Again, this is a comma splice. Try the period test on not only the first comma but also the second one. Notice how you end up with three sentences?
of Team Galactics operations and what they stood for, but didn't really want to take a chance and get caught out by some well travelled punk.
Oh dear.
1. Galactic's. The apostrophe is needed to show that this is a possessive, not a plural. Team Galactic owns the operations, and only one of them exists.
2. The comma serves no function whatsoever here. This is not a compound sentence.
Incidentally, because I foresee there's going to be a lot of grammatical oddities, from here on out, I'm going to do this the way I beta. Basically, whenever I see an error, I'll put it in
bold and red text. If I need to make a note, it's
(bold and inside parentheses like this). (Yes, I realize I made a note against using colored text, but I'm assuming that because you tried to use it yourself, you're probably on a background that supports it anyway.) That way, I can take care of simple stuff without repeating myself, focus on the story, and explain only the major things.
That being said…
He hoped he'd come across as an (If the next word begins with a vowel sound, you need "an." "A" is for anything that begins with a consonant.) oddly dressed,
How was he oddly dressed? "Oddly" is a bit vague, so the reader can't really get a good picture of what you mean. You'll want to be specific in order to get your ideas across effectively. While this doesn't mean describe every little detail, it means that rather than use something that's vague and unstable (like calling something "beautiful" and leaving it at that), you'll want to launch into enough solid description to make the reader think whatever you're describing is beautiful or odd too.
slim and attractive man with blond, straight, medium-length hair that hugged his face. Just an average Joe. But (No comma here.) he also had a handsome facial structure
Again, vague and unstable description. Handsome facial structure could describe Fabio's face, or it could describe RuPaul's. We don't know.
which was useful for two things, seduction and as a physical manifestation of his personality, mature and sharp. Quite the gentleman. He was seen as a loner, however, in Sinnoh and among (Technically, either is correct, but amongst is archaic and awkward here.) the other Galactics (There is only one Team Galactic.) forces. It wasn't that he was a horrible person. He just didn't like the attitudes of his colleagues. They abused and treated their Pokemon unfairly.
How? Again, this is vague. While we can imagine abuse as hitting and whatnot, we don't know what unfair treatment is. Therefore, we can't quite care about these neglected pokémon as much as you probably want us in order to fully understand how unorthodox Wilhelm is.
A particularly unorthodox Galactic member in his own right, he steered clear of the other goons and focused on training himself and his Honchkrow,
How is this unorthodox? (Keep in mind that the dependent clause usually modifies the independent clause – as in, the fragment at the beginning should have something to do with the rest of the sentence.)
slowly pushing himself up the ranks. He wasn't influential enough to become a commander, but he was instead given the honour of being an agent and doing important missions. Alone. He wanted out now, after learning (Be careful with your spelling and remember to read over your work yourself before submitting it. Real words are not caught by the spell checker.) of their real intentions. To leave, he would have to complete this mission.
"Anyway back to the task at hand!" he (With a dialogue tag – or a piece that describes how something is being said – that comes after the quote, the sentence doesn't end at the closing quotation mark.) whispered softly, so he didn't arouse suspicion.
He (It's awkward if you don't break the paragraph here.) stopped, unfurling a piece of paper that he had pulled from his jacket pocket. Unfolding back the corners where they had bent, the Galactic Elite looked through the list. It contained several rare Johto Pokemon. He let out a heavy sigh and walked towards the edge of the pier, vacantly looking out into the fog that was surrounding the whole port area. Brushing stray (Unnecessary means that it shouldn't be there, yes, but specifically, it means that it shouldn't exist because it's pointless. Hair can't actually be pointless in this sense.) hair from his eyes, believing the fog was but an illusion of sight impairment,
O_o Huh?
No, seriously. I read this a few times, but I'm not quite getting what you're trying to say here. He thought the fog was just an illusion there to impair sight? Fog impairs sight either way. There's no real illusion to it. It clouds the eyesight of anyone who walks through it. If it were an illusion, that would imply some serious visual problems in the character himself.
but it wasn't.
"Ampharos! Where am I meant to get one of those things? I don't even know what it looks like." (With dialogue, the period goes inside the quotation marks.)
(Also note the paragraph break here. You're going onto a new subject.) There were others the list, Tyranitar and Ursaring to name a few, but this one stood out to Wilhelm. With that thought his belt started to shake, (This is a compound sentence. Note how doing the period test by replacing the "and" produces two separate sentences.) and his only Pokemon released itself.
So, wait. His belt thought about the Ampharos, despite a belt having no ears? (That's pretty much what putting a dependent clause like "with that thought" before the subject of a sentence.)
"Honch Honch!"
Honchkrow nestled itself on his shoulder
It should be noted that Honchkrow weighs over sixty pounds. While it's possible to heft something that large over one's shoulder, it's impressive to do it without hands.
and dug into the side of his face,
With what?
obviously wanting his undivided attention. She succeeded.
"What is it, Honchkrow?" Wilhelm inquired, wondering what his Pokemon had planned.
The crow sprung (I don't know why you keep capitalizing random words in the middle of a sentence, but to make things easy for you, remember that you don't capitalize anything except proper nouns and the first word of each sentence.) off his shoulder and into the air. She flapped her wings majestically and pushed the fog away. Landing back on his trainer, she pointed one of her powerful wings at the manifesting lighthouse.
To quote Inigo Montoya: "You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means."
To put it in short, you keep using certain words that don't actually mean what you probably want. For example, "manifest" means "to appear," yes, but to be specific, it means "to appear gradually out of nowhere." In other words, to have the lighthouse manifest
after the fog is blown away is to basically say that it's gradually appearing out of thin air.
While flowery words make your prose sound poetic, it's highly advised that if you want to use them, keep a dictionary handy and look them up first, even if you think you know what they mean. You could very well be using a word that doesn't actually work for your story, and doing that causes your prose to generate weird mental images.
Also, how does Honchkrow know where an ampharos is? She just got here from Sinnoh and probably knows just as much about Johto as her owner.
it came forth from the fog looking as if it was moving forwards. An actual illusion this time as the fog was brushing past it.
Fog doesn't cause this kind of illusion.
For a few moments, Wilhelm stood in awe of the pristine building. How could such an old lighthouse be seemingly untouched by the elements?
"They use an Ampharos as the light?" Wilhelm guessed correctly,
He doesn't know that he's correct yet, so it's not a good idea to say that he guessed correctly.
Actually, in general, don't use that word in the narration. Rather than simply tell the reader that he's correct, have him decide to go investigate and don't reveal that he's correct until he finds something at the top. As it is, you're having the answer be revealed immediately, which gives the reader no time to wonder if he's on the right path. We already know there's going to be an ampharos at the top of the tower, so there's really no suspense – no question of whether or not he'll actually find anything or
what he'll find.
more than slightly confused. Honchkrow nodded and called her (Otherwise, you've just neutered his bird.) name with delight, happy to help her friend. Although he questioned how Honchkrow knew this, he trusted his Pokemon's judgement more than his own and decided to check the lighthouse out. As he started to move, he realized the people on the pier had formed a tiny crowd around the pair. They had obviously never seen a Sinnoh Pokemon before, especially one of such prestige and grace as Honchkrow. They whispered in awe as Wilhelm pushed his way through and rolled his eyes, laughing at them.
"They should get out more," (Unless you meant "they should get more Sinnoh pokémon.") he thought as he continued towards the lighthouse.
(As a side note about the number of unnecessary code between this paragraph and the next one, because the default for the forum is left-aligned font, it's not necessary to code that every single time. It's not really necessary to code for the font size, either, given that you want to make this as readable as possible. Smaller fonts tend to be harder on the readers' eyes, and larger fonts tend to be obnoxious. Go with the default.)
Waiting until the dark hours of the night, Wilhelm crept up the to awe-inspiring building and looked for an entrance.
Other than the front door that most characters have accessed in canon?
Luckily, behind a nearby bush, there was a trap door, presumably leading to the basement. Quickly and swiftly, he smashed the wooden door.
Was that really necessary? O_o I mean, he could be attracting attention by smashing through wood. You'd think a burglar would try to work with the lock.
He hoped that destroying it in one hit would not create as much commotion. His gamble paid off as no one came to investigate after five (When writing numbers, for any of them from zero to ninety-nine, you actually need to write them out, not use numerals like 0 and 9. There's exceptions, namely with ordinals, addresses, dates, and times. For everything else, however, chances are, you'll need to write it.) minutes. He (Alternatively, insert the word "but" between he and the comma.) checked around one more time and jumped into the (You repeat the word "the" here. Again, read over your work before you post it.) hole. He made his way through the dark basement and up to the first floor with help from his torch.
A torch that he randomly pulled out of nowhere?
The first floor room was spherical and well-lit. In the centre of the room was a woollen rug, and several pictures of Pokemon were hung ("Sown" means "to plant seeds." While you could be offering metaphor here, it's just awkward.) around the room. On closer inspection Wilhelm got a better look at the Pokemon. They were small and on all-fours. The animal had blue skin with wooly patches and a light on its (It's = contraction for it is. Its = possessive pronoun. As a rule of thumb, no pronoun uses an apostrophe for its possessive.) tail.
Wait. You were describing multiple pokémon in the next-to-last sentence and only one in the last one. If you're talking about all of them, you'll want to make the last sentence completely plural. If you're talking about only one, you'll want to make it clear all of the images are of the same pokémon.
Wilhelm quickly realized he needed to hurry up with the task at hand and proceeded up the stairs which spiralled up and around the room.
Wilhelm's tired body reached the last few steps. Small droplets of sweat were running down his forehead. Glad to be at the top, he quietly got back his breath and relaxed. Ahead of him was a door, through (Otherwise, you're saying he literally passed into the door.) which he entered. A bright light encompassed him, and he took a step back, reeling from the light. (I'd also suggest substituting the word "light" with something else – perhaps "brightness" – because otherwise, you're repeating the same word multiple times in the sentence. This causes your writing to sound a little awkward.) His eyes adjusted, and he saw the silhouette of a human-sized Pokemon, from what he could tell it was the Pokemon on the pictures.
It should be noted that not even shiny ampharos are blue in color or actually wooly. (Shiny ampharos are pink-purple.) Likewise, they're shorter than the average adult human, standing at four feet and seven inches.
He reached into his bag, which hung loosely around him and grabbed a gun of some sort.
Again, don't be vague. Do not say "a gun of some sort." Say "a gun." You don't need to go into specifics, but you can't have the narrator sound uncertain himself. That creates an unreliable narrator, which means the reader can't trust what's being said.
He aimed at the pokemon and pulled (You don't activate a trigger. You pull it if it's on a gun.) the trigger, firing a net which took the beast by surprise. Wilhelm walked up to his prey and knelt down next to it.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to the captured Ampharos.
He truly felt guilty about the situation. Normally, forcefully capturing Pokemon wasn't his thing.
Avoid slang or overly casual language in the narration like "his thing." Instead, say something like "he didn't like forcefully capturing Pokémon. It went against his principles."
"You will be! Thief!" a voice cried from behind him. "Go, (Direct address needs a comma.) Magnemite!"
Wilhelm turned around to see an extremely skinny woman (Women is plural. Woman is singular.) ready to battle. She had long, light brown hair with ponytails near the middle of her head, and despite her frail look, she looked very eager to fight.
"I choose you! Honchkrow!" Wilhelm retaliated with a slight sense of nervousness. This was his first Pokemon battle in Johto, and he had already had bad type disadvantage. He would have to be strategic.
"Honchkrow, use Swagger attack!" With (This is not a dialogue tag. You can tell with the fact that it doesn't describe how the dialogue is being said. Therefore, it is its own sentence.) this, the bird began to glow, and it faded away, (What do you mean by "it"? Honchkrow or the glow? Remember to specify.) leaving the confused Magnemite floating aimlessly.
As a note, try to avoid describing an attack in only one line. This usually makes your moves vague and leaves little in the way of visual imagery for the reader. In other words, it doesn't help them figure out what's going on. Instead, describe it in a few sentences, making note of not only what the move looks like but how it works. How did Magnemite end up confused, for example? How did Magnemite react to the move? Did it hit anything?
The most exciting points to a trainer fic are usually the battles because that's really the entire point of the trainer's goal in the first place. In this case, you have a thief, sure, but you're probably going for an action fic as well. Something suspenseful. It's really the conflicts that will do that, and to leave a conflict like actual violence between one party and another without much description is denying the reader of the feeling of being right there and cringing with each move. Get them to cringe, and they'll start wondering who's going to win.
Or, in short, describe the battle with more detail, and your readers will get a knee-jerk reaction of "oh, that's got to hurt; I wonder who's going to win" more often.
"Now, Nasty plot."
The bird flashed again with a naturally wicked look on her face.
1. I'd say get rid of the word "naturally." Again, it's vague description that doesn't tell the reader anything about what the move actually looks like.
2. Again, how does this move work? I would suggest reading descriptions of the move on Bulbapedia or Veekun.com to get an idea of how to handle it in written form. That way, it seems less like it's a pointless maneuver.
"Hmm, try a Thundershock," the woman called in desperation, only to have the metal ball fire in her direction.
First off, avoid exclamation points in the narration. Again, it's causing the narration to slant – as in, it gives the narrator more emotion than he should convey. Instead, his tone should be fairly neutral, with the only hint of emotion coming from the
words, not the punctuation marks.
Second, what did Magnemite just fire? Again, in battles, you can't be vague. Instead, you've
got to describe as much as possible. This includes the fact that Magnemite should be shooting electricity and what the woman did as a reaction.
Third, start a new paragraph at this point. You're changing speakers either way.
"Okay, Honchkrow, use Shadow Ball," ("Shadow Ball" is a phrase of two words, and you need punctuation at the end of a quote, regardless of whether or not it's a complete sentence.) Wilhelm said.
He had calmed down considerably now. Honchkrow flew at top speed towards her target so it could attack at point-blank range. The attack was successful,
Again, you're lacking description in how the move was actually performed. Considering this is point-blank range, you're also looking at consequences (as in, Honchkrow would be affected), so description is vital here. Likewise, rather than say "successful," say "hit," particularly because this is actually a move that would strike the opponent, rather than simply succeed.
and the opponent's Pokemon flew backwards (Otherwise, you're implying that it's controlling its own path.) and smashed against the wall. It lay down unconscious.
The young woman sighed and grasped her next Poke Ball. (Because you capitalize "Pokemon," you'll need to be consistent by capitalizing everything with the prefix Poke-. Also, this is a separate sentence.) "Go Steelix!" she screamed. "By the way, I'm Jasmine, Olivine Gym Leader, and I won't let you steal this Pokemon." She pointed to the Ampharos in the net as it let out a yelp. (Because you already have a dialogue tag in this paragraph, you don't need another one.)
Also, it sounds like she's telling him who she is as an afterthought. You'd think that given Jasmine's character, she'd introduce herself and declare that she's not letting him steal Ampharos
before the battle, rather than randomly in the middle of it.
Oh my! A Steelix! Darn , Wilhelm thought,
You punctuate thought differently before he enters the lighthouse (as in, with quotation marks, rather than italics). Why are you changing it now?
but he already knew how to win.
"Steelix, Thunder Fang!"
The Steelix obeyed and launched itself at Honchkrow. Even if the attack hit the Pokemon, Honchkrow would easily shrug it off. It had been Wilhelm's only Pokemon for years. It was expertly trained.
O_o What?
You're looking at a gym leader's pokémon, first of all. The steelix would be just as expertly trained as a trainer's honchkrow simply because you don't get gym leader status by being a n00b at training. (This is, as a note, every form of canon except the games, and even then, it should be noted that the gym leaders' levels are adjusted for the sake of making the challenge possible for the trainer. Note how formerly crappy gym leaders in Kanto – like Brock – are level 40+ in GSC, whereas in RBY, those same leaders might be under level twenty-five.)
Second, you're looking at a type disadvantage as well as a physical hit from a pair of steel-plated jaws the size of a VW Bug. I don't think that a two-foot-tall bird would be able to just shrug off being bitten by something like that, let alone being bitten
and electrocuted at the same time.
Avoid suspending logic and making things easy for your characters like this. You could be creating a Gary Stu, a character who's far too good to be believable. (
This article should be able to explain things a bit better and provide examples as to why they're not exactly good things.)
"Dodge it (No exclamation point here. It's in the middle of a sentence.) and use Night Slash."
The attack landed, but it wasn't critical like Wilhelm had hoped.
How does he know whether or not it's critical? Again, this is a vague description.
So, he went in for another attack.
"Assurance."
He knew this would hurt if it hit. The bird smacked the giant metallic snake, but it was not the knockout he had wished for. It had used harden. The iron snake was trained well, but not as good as Honchkrow.
"Retaliate! Use Rock Throw!"
Suddenly, tonnes of rocks were flung in Honchkrow's direction, hitting her. (Your character's honchkrow is not transsexual.) She hit the ground.
"Honch Honch!" the bird spoke with vigour and flew back into the air.
…That's the only reaction to being smacked with several tons of rocks? O_o
Okay, imagine this: several tons of rock (never mind the fact that you're indoors and would need to explain where the rocks came from in the first place) are launched at you by a huge, metal-and-rock snake over thirty feet tall. You're definitely made of bones and muscle, and you're not quite fast enough to get out of the way. When you're buried by these rocks, do you just get up, shake it off, and get ready to whack the snake with a stick seconds after the attack happens, or are you going to need to be pulled out first (if you don't struggle to dig yourself out) and get those broken bones you probably should have (considering this is several tons of solid rock falling on top of you) treated?
The problem with the battle (aside from the vagueness of the description) lies in the fact that you're suspending believability for the sake of your character. Rather than have his honchkrow feel the pain and be affected by its injuries, she shrugs them off as if they never happened. Regardless of
how well the bird was trained and how fuzzy game logic tends to be, this just shouldn't happen in fanfiction. What it does is basically strip all the suspense and excitement away from the battle. As soon as you suspend one fragment of logic (especially if this fragment is pretty obvious, like how several tons of rock don't phase a bird), the reader automatically knows where the battle is going, so it's just a matter of time before your character wins.
As a side note, it should be noted that you're probably not following game canon anyway (given how Honchkrow knows well over four moves), so yeah, you'll probably want to establish some form of believability anyway, even if game logic says a level 100 honchkrow would laugh at a level twenty-five steelix's Rock Throw.
"UH! That thing should be down and out," Jasmine moaned, obviously beginning to worry. "Okay, use Slam to finish this off."
Honchkrow was hurt but nowhere near out. The attack came straight for him, but a shield was erected in front of him. He had used Protect. The Steelix stumbled backwards and howled. "STEELIX!"
"While it's distracted, use Hyper Beam!"
Honchkrow opened her beak, and a torrent of energy was let loose towards its giant prey. The Steelix hit the floor and roared in pain.
That's it? So, basically, a two-foot-tall bird just three-shotted a thirty-foot, armored snake with type advantages against
all of the assaults used against it after said honchkrow was buried in rock for a moment of time?
I'm sorry, but this battle really just doesn't work. Alternatively, if it does, then you've really got to spend more time describing how it works because otherwise, it's just really difficult to believe that this could happen. It makes the reader think that what you're coming out with is a Gary Stu.
"Well done, big guy," Jasmine panted.
Considering Jasmine's normally polite and timid nature, it's a bit odd that she would call her pokémon and friend "big guy."
She turned to the Galactic member and begged, "Please don't take this Pokemon. It works so hard day and night to protect those lost at sea. With it gone many will die!" (Because you already have a mark of punctuation inside the quotation marks, another one outside of them is redundant.)
Wilhelm wanted to let it be free, but his organization would kill him for a failed mission.
"Take this instead!" Jasmine ran through the door and returned with an oval shaped object. It was an egg. (Never, ever abuse capslock in the narration.) "It is Ampharos's egg.
Huh? O_o Cornered or not, why is she giving up
another innocent pokémon – the child of the one she's trying to protect, no less? That's like saying, "Don't kill this human mother, but it's perfectly okay to take this baby!"
Besides, isn't it a bit odd that she's not trying to call for backup, possibly by using Ampharos itself if there's no other means of communication?
Please take it. Just leave this place alone!" (Again, no period here.)
Wilhelm contemplated it. His boss wanted rare Pokemon, not an egg.
"I can tell you are kind trainer.
Jasmine was just attacked by this kid who she guessed was a thief. In fact, just a moment ago, she was begging him
not to steal Ampharos. Why does she suddenly think he's kind? O_o
Also, it'd be a good idea to add some form of dialogue tag to this sentence. Otherwise, you're implying that Wilhelm is the one calling himself kind.
Your Honchkrow is very strong. I can see this Pokemon growing fast with you. You could quickly get an Ampharos."
He looked deep into her eyes. He knew it was the right thing to do.
What exactly was the right thing to do, and how did he know it was right? It's still taking an innocent pokémon by intimidating the crap out of an opponent.
He was going to be in Johto for months, and he could use a new Pokemon for the duration of his stay. ("Duration" is not a word that stands by itself. It means "length," so to say "the duration" is saying "the length," but it's not specifying the length of what, if that makes sense.)
"OK," he answered monotonously.
Jasmine quickly gave the egg to Wilhelm and returned to her spot, eyeing him (No "up" here. That creates sexual connotations, which I don't think you mean.), unsure if his intentions were true. Suddenly, the egg cracked, and a "baa" could be heard from within.
….
I… um… wow.
Seconds after receiving an egg from someone who was just begging him not to steal pokémon, the egg hatches? Even considering the time it spent with Ampharos, isn't that a bit unrealistic? It sounds as if you're trying to create a metaphor for the purity and/or awesomeness of this character. As in, this character is so amazingly good on the inside that the miracle of birth happens as soon as he touches eggs.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to say that this character's a bit Stuish. This kind of thing just shouldn't normally happen.
A head pushed its way out of the shell and revealed itself. It was the Pokemon on the pictures.
Didn't you say earlier that the pokémon in the pictures was Ampharos, not a mareep?
"It is a Mareep. It's (Correct usage of "it's," though, which I have to say good job for, considering you confused them many times earlier.) yours now."
Fully released from its oval prison, the sheep Pokemon hugged (No quotation marks.) its new owner and gladly entered a free Poke Ball. (No ellipsis. That causes your narration to sound weak because you're essentially telling the reader that you're trailing off right in the middle of the text.)
"Goodbye, Jasmine." Wilhelm politely smiled at her and left through the door.
Jasmine had a strange feeling about this man. She dully sat next to Ampharos and began to untangle her.
"Hmm," Jasmine said. (I added a dialogue tag because otherwise, you're implying that it's Ampharos who says this quote. Also note the number of M's. Don't overdo things like that by tacking on five or more. Two is really sufficient, and if you want it to be read as if it's drawn out, convey that in the dialogue tag with words like "drawled.")[/SIZE][/LEFT]
I'm stopping here because otherwise, it's getting a bit lengthy, and there
is actually a character limit to these posts. I might go for the next chapters later, but that should give you a starting idea of what I'm about to say next as advice for improving the rest of your fic:
1. Try to get a beta-reader, or someone who can look over your work
before you post it and work with you to refine it. My advice is don't choose the people who keep reviewing with one-liners because, frankly, seriously, guys. =/ You just can't sugar-coat your reviews and say it's perfect in one line. You've got to be specific (even and especially if all you're leaving is praise so the author can actually understand what he's doing right or wrong), and you can't be afraid to tell an author they're doing something odd, especially when they actually ask for it. I've got a guide for reviewers in my sig. Please read it.
Seriously, though, Lyvee, you've got a lot of grammatical errors. A lot of them are errors in commas, so first off, try
brushing up on comma usage rules to fully understand when you should and shouldn't use commas. Also, in general, you'll want to read over your fic (aloud) to try to catch errors yourself before getting in touch with someone else who can help you refine things. There's a few oddities that wouldn't have normally been caught via your computer.
2. Description. Never use vague words like "handsome" if you're not going to back them up by adding something that helps us visualize what handsome actually is. Likewise, don't leave us hanging in a battle. Don't describe a move in terms of, "Pokémon A used Move A on Pokémon B. It worked." That doesn't tell us much about the battle, and that doesn't make us feel excited by reading what's going on. You've got to show us what happens when something occurs and what the consequences are at the very
least.
Which brings me to my next point, actually.
3. Consequences and general logic. Things happen. Characters should not just shrug them off. If a character breaks through a wooden cellar door, chances are, that's going to attract attention or at least sting a little. (Ever break a board? If you know how to do it correctly, it leaves the point of impact on your body feeling a little painful and a lot numb after you do it. If you do it incorrectly, it's going to hurt like a mother. Either way, it sounds like a pretty big crack. As in, slam a baseball bat against a door, and you've got an idea.) Likewise, I don't think there's any way a sixty-pound bird could walk away from being hit with several tons of rock without a crapload of injuries if she's lucky.
Point is, if you make things easy for your character by suspending logic, what comes out of it is a Gary Stu. (See aforementioned link to Wikipedia.) That's not a good thing. In certain cases, it means you're rushing your story, and in other cases, it also means you're trying to give your character the advantage because you can't entirely think of an alternate way to get around the problems you've set up for him. Both are, naturally bad things because they mean:
A. (On the point about rushing) You either aren't putting all your effort into your fic, or you're not giving the reader enough details to fully envision what's going on.
B. (On the point about advantages) You're making it pretty clear who's going to win.
C. (Both) You're not making the fic as exciting as it should be.
Harsh as that sounds, what I mean to say is in order to make your fic as enjoyable as you can possibly get it to be, you need to slow down and really work out your problems with some thought. Don't just have each problem be solved with brute force or one or two hits or even the straightforward answer. If the problem seems impossible (like a sixty-pound bird versus a thirty-foot-tall snake), have it be solved through craftiness. (For example, check out how Ash's pikachu defeated Drake's dragonite at the end of the Orange Islands arc.) If the problem requires stealth (like breaking into a building), you'd better not have the answer require anything
but stealth unless the character is just a brash, impulsive character anyway. Make the solution fit the problem and the character, rather than forcing it to fit. If you force it to fit, yes, it'll probably be obvious.
That being said, on the positive side, you have an interesting concept. A thief and a member of Team Galactic who really doesn't approve of their methods (although one has to wonder why he doesn't up and quit, given how Galactic doesn't come off as the mafia the way Team Rocket does) sets off on a mission because he really doesn't have anything better to do or any other choice in the matter. It could potentially be a dramatic and gritty look into the world of villains, which is something that's done but not as overdone as the usual OT story. The next course of action, then, is to refine your ideas by working on them a bit more, being a bit more careful about what you do, and getting a beta-reader. It's not impossible to improve on this kind of idea, but you do have room for improvement.
