Through The Lens

Captain Fabio · Jun 14, 2010

Through The Lens

Chapter one
James Lawson has been awake since 5am. His four year old son had crawled into their bed after having a nightmare. James lay awake, looking up at the patterned ceiling above him. He sighed gently and looked to his left. His eyes fell on his beautiful wife and son. He was holding onto her as if his life depended on it. He smiled gently and looked at the clock, just above his wife. '6:32'. James sighed and gently lifted the covers from his body and slid out of the bed, trying to keep the heat in for his family. Standing straight and stretching, James looked out of the window, seeing the sun creeping over the houses across the road. James's wife, Laura, had positioned the bed so that when the sun did rise, the light would wake them up if the alarm didn't. He sometimes thought about the bed so only she got the sun on her face.

Walking out of the bedroom, he made his way to the kitchen downstairs. Holding onto the oak banner, he slowly and wearily made his was down the steps. It was far too early to be awake, but he couldn't do anything about it. He had to get up; he had to be in work in a few hours. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, his hand found the ball of the banister and his hand gripped it hard, his fingers turning white slightly from the pressure. He pivoted slightly as he turned in a circle fashion to his right, then letting go of the banister. Walking through the front room, he entered the kitchen within a few seconds. There was enough light from outside entering in the windows to see where he was going. The kitchen was normally a brightly lit place when it was sunny; today would be no exception. Pulling the white fridge door open, James reached in and pulled out some fresh orange juice. He slowly spun the lid off and brought it to his mouth, letting it drain into his mouth and down his throat. He always got shouted at for doing it. "It isn't hygienic" He could hear Laura saying. What she doesn't know can't hurt her. He thought, letting a slight chuckle escape from his mouth. Putting it back in the fridge and closing the door gently, he looked at the clock to the left of him. '6:41'. Sighing and running his fingers through his blond hair, he walked into the front room, just off the kitchen, and let his body fall into the leather couch.

James Lawson was a well built, six foot three inches FBI detective. Looking at him, you wouldn't think it. His blond hair was longer than the standard male cut and styled to the left. The mornings were a different story, as he suffered from "bed hair". His blue eyes were as deep as the ocean itself. His complexion was fair. It looked like he had never been in the sun, but he had. James's parents were both Irish and he had inherited their skin reaction. When in the sun light, he would burn if it was even just warm, then return white after a few days. He always cursed this, as he looked like a tomato on holidays after a few hours. Grasping the black TV remote, he pushed the 'On' button and waited for the TV to turn on. It always took a few seconds for the TV to start up as it was an energy saving TV that didn't consume electricity when it was switched off. He didn't really care, he just wanted to watch the TV. Finally, the TV screen flashed into life but only to show a new bulletin. He didn't even read what was on the screen. He flicked to the next channel; however, James was greeted with the same new bulletin. Still not taking notice of it, he flicked again, but the same happened. Squinting slightly and sitting up, James looked at the screen and saw a familiar sight, The White House; a black, bold title being displayed at the bottom of the screen.
"PRESIDENT FRASER WILLIAMS FOUND DEAD."

Chapter 2

James's mouth ran dry. His palm wet from the sweat of fear. The President of the United States had been killed. All colour drained from his face. Sitting completely still, watching the title scroll from right to left on the screen, James didn't make a sound. James swallowed hard of what remaining salver was in his mouth.
"H... How?" James stuttered, the only thing he could bring himself to say. He kept his mouth shut, for fear of being sick. His stomach was turning, it felt like he was on a rather terrifying rollercoaster; one that ended in death.
Moving his thumb up the remote, he turned up the volume; it was louder than he would normally have it. He listened intently at what was being said. A gentle and unphazed female voice broke the silence in the house.

"Reports are not official as of yet, but what we do know is that the president was found dead in his bed in the early hours of this morning. We have been told by the White House officials that it appears he did not suffer and they are not treating the case as suspicious. The death has shocked the USA and the world with its unexpectedness. We will be staying with this story throughout the day..."

James didn't blink. He couldn't grasp the idea that Fraser was dead. He didn't have any health issues, he didn't have enemies. He was the perfect President. James's hand lost all feeling. The TV remote slipped through his wet palms and fell to the floor where it landed hard; the batteries flying out of the tapped up cover. It was an old remote which had been broken many times. James started to sway a little, as more of the colour drained from his face. He felt sick. Pushing himself up, he quickly walked towards the kitchen sink and placed his hands either side of it. A bead of sweat slid down his face gracefully, stopping at his chin and then falling into the sink. James vision started to turn white. His breathing speed increased. He could not control his body. His legs felt weak and useless; the sick sensation gripped his whole body and got the better of him. Throwing his face just above the sick, he started to cough and vomited. After a few seconds, he started to regain his vision and senses. His legs became responsive and supported the weight of his body once more.

Turning on the tap and cleaning the sink, he cupped his hands underneath the cascading water and let it pool for a few seconds, before bringing his cupped hands to his face and pushing it onto his white skin. His hands returned to the granite work surface to support his torso. Water droplets fell from his face and into the sink; they could have been mistaken for tears. Trying to control his breathing, he took deep breaths and let the air rush in and out of his lungs. He couldn't take his breath fast enough. Still feeling light headed, James turned towards the TV. He could see the title still scrolling on the screen. Bringing his hands up to his face, he slowly wiped the remaining water from his face.

Turning sharply, he saw his phone lighting up. He ran over to it and looked at the screen. Jane Tarr. It was his partner and friend from work. His thumb shook over the answer button for a few seconds then he pressed down hard. Lifting it to his right ear, he let out a feeble greeting.
"Hello?"
"HELLO? It's about time you answered your phone Jay." A slight British accented woman spoke with an angry tone of voice.
"I have been trying to reach you since 5am. What have you been doing?"
"I have been asleep. Have you heard?" James leaned against the work surface and kept one eye on the TV for more information.
"Of course I have heard. The whole bloody world has heard. People in Africa who don't have Televisions have heard. You are the last bloody soul on this planet to hear about the biggest death for the past 40 years."
"Ok. I get the picture."
"Good." The sounds of a sigh pushed through the phone and into James's ear. She didn't say anything for a few seconds. James could hear the TV on loud on her end. The speech that he had just heard was being repeated. He felt sick again. The British voice broke the silence.
"I am at the office. You better get down here, it is crazy. Everyone is running around trying to find out what is exactly going on. Who thought the death of one man could cause to much havoc."
"That man was the President of the United States Jane!" James grew angry towards her and his voice raised.
"He was a great man and not for one second do I believe that he died of natural causes." His grip tightened on the phone, he could hear the plastic tightening as his hand mercifully engulfed it.
"Ok ok, I know. I am sorry."
James sighed and nodded, even though she wasn't there and couldn't see it. He wasn't thinking clearly, he didn't think much of it. Looking at the clock in the kitchen, he sighed. '7:03'.
Mustering up the energy to speak again, he sighed.
"I will be in at 8. I need to talk to Laura first." How could he tell her that he had to work on his days off, she wouldn't be happy, but this was different.
"Ok Jay. Give her my love."
The phone call dropped and James's hand fell from his ear to his side. He turned around and placed the phone on the work surface gently. Letting out another large sigh, he turned and looked at the TV, checking if they had heard anymore; nothing.

Pushing himself upright, he walked from the kitchen and back towards the stairs, his hands, once again, meeting the Oak banister. James pulled himself up the stairs and onto the landing. His son, Chris, was still asleep in their room. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He slowly and gently walked into the room where his family slept. Looking out of the window, the sun has started to invade the bed sheets; slowly creeping up to defeat sleep from Laura's state of mind. Sitting on the edge of the bed, James placed his hand on Laura's shoulder and gently shook it, waking her up eventually.

"Laura." He whispered. "Laura, you need to wake up. I have to go work." His eyes looked down onto his beautiful wife. Her hair was black with subtle red streaks; they had started to fade as she had them coloured over a few months ago. Laura slowly opened her eyes and her brown, hazelnut eyes locked onto his.
"Wh... What is wrong now?" She said in a groggy voice. "Are they so incompetent that they can't deal without you for a week?" She sat up slightly and looked to her left. Chris was still asleep; he had curled up into a small ball and was where James use to be. She looked back with a smile on her face and her eyes stopped at James. Her smile faded when she saw he was still white.
"James. What is wrong?"
James's gaze fell to the bed sheets as his head dropped. It was hard for him to explain what was happening.
"Fraser Williams was found dead a few hours ago."
It took a few seconds for it to register with Laura what he had just told her.
"Wh... What? How?"
"I don't know. They said he just died in his sleep, apparently. They are not treating the case as murder, just natural causes." James's voice started to raise in volume as he spoke, but remembered Chris was still sleeping, lowering his voice to a whisper, he looked back into Laura's eyes.
"Why wouldn't it be natural causes?" Laura placed her hand on the side of his face and gently caressed his cheek with her thumb. He closed his eyes at her touch; she could always calm him down.
"It just doesn't sit right with me. Something doesn't fit."
"Honey, you know more than anyone that people just die. Their hearts can give in. You have been on countless cases where you can't explain the cause of death. Why is this so different? I know he was the President, but he was human." Her voice was a gentle whisper. She moved her hand to his neck and kissed James's lips gently. She pulled away and looked at him.
"I know you are upset. But these things can happen."
James nodded slightly after a few seconds and sighed.
"I need to go into work. I would love to stay at home with you two, but they need me at work."
"I understand." Laura said with an understanding tone. She smiled and kissed him again. She held the kiss and James ran his fingers through her hair. Prolonging the kiss, he pulled away and smiled, his forehead resting against hers.
"You are perfect you know that." James said with a calmer voice.
"I know." Laura said laughing gently and pushing him up. "Now go to work and pay your respects to your friend."
James nodded and walked into the bathroom, turning on the light and closing the door.

A random story that I work on sometimes.
It is a crime-thriller that I have made up, really.

Still working on the 3rd chapter.

Delusions of Originality · Jun 15, 2010

Hm, a crime thriller. I am intrigued! Quick question before I start the review proper, though: why is everything in a quote tag?

James Lawson has been awake since 5am. His four year old son had crawled into their bed after having a nightmare. James lay awake, looking up at the patterned ceiling above him.

The first sentence is either a typo or a tense change. Since the rest of the story seems to be written in past tense and not present tense, I'll assume it's a typo and that you did in fact mean "had been awake" there.

Additionally, having the word "awake" twice in one paragraph and in close proximity is a little awkward. You could probably adjust the last sentence so that it reads "James looked up at the patterned ceiling above him" or something; we already know he's up early, so there's no need to say it again.

He sometimes thought about the bed so only she got the sun on her face.

That seems like a non-sequitur the way you have it worded now. Rather than "He sometimes thought about the bed so...", I believe you mean "He sometimes thought she'd moved the bed so..."

Walking out of the bedroom, he made his way to the kitchen downstairs. Holding onto the oak banner, he slowly and wearily made his was down the steps.

I would change the structure of one of those two sentences so you've got a bit more variety. Neither is glaringly wrong, but it sounds unnecessarily rhythmic and repetitive. In fact, you seem to be very fond of that "Verbing something something, he something something something..." construction in general, as it shows up pretty frequently elsewhere. Try to vary your sentence structure a bit more.

Also, I think you mean "banister" instead of "banner".

he had to be in work in a few hours.

"At work", I think.

He pivoted slightly as he turned in a circle fashion to his right, then letting go of the banister

"Turned in a circular fashion" would read better; "turned in a circle" would be better yet, however, as adding "fashion" to it just seems like padding. Additionally, "letting" doesn't agree with the rest of the sentence. Something like "...then let go of the banister" would be more accurate.

entering in the windows

Just "entering" instead, maybe. "Entering in" is redundant.

"It isn't hygienic" He could hear Laura saying. What she doesn't know can't hurt her. He thought, letting a slight chuckle escape from his mouth.

Two things here. You're missing punctuation (specifically, a comma) at the end of the quote from Laura. Second, "he could hear" and "he thought" are dialogue tags that are attached to the preceding thoughts. The first word of a dialogue tag that comes after speech/thought like that should not be capitalized, and the ending punctuation of the speech/thought should be a comma, not a period. The second one, for example, should read "What she doesn't know won't hurt her, he thought...". You would only capitalize the first word of a dialogue tag if it came before the speech/thought, as in "He could hear Laura saying, 'It isn't hygienic.'"

Oh, and you used "mouth" quite a few times in this paragraph. Perhaps you could rewrite that last clause as "letting out a slight chuckle" or even simply "chuckling slightly".

James Lawson was a well built, six foot three inches FBI detective

If you're using more than one word as a single descriptive adjective, you should hyphenate those words. "Well-built", "six-foot-three-inches", etc.. Also, you'd say "six-foot-three-inch", not inches, if you're using it as an adjective. Otherwise you mean he was "well-built, six feet and three inches tall".

His blue eyes were as deep as the ocean itself.

That's an awfully poetic way to describe an FBI agent in a crime thriller. I'd advise against such flowery description unless the entire story is supposed to be written in a flowery tone, in which case it wouldn't be out of place. Sometimes just "blue" by itself is enough; if you still want the ocean bit in there you can try "He had ocean-blue eyes" instead.

That whole paragraph is actually rather longwinded and can be trimmed. First of all, I would start a new paragraph with the sentence that begins "Grasping the black tv remote...". You should generally start a new paragraph whenever you change the subject. Second, while description is good when it's done properly, you really don't need to go into near-tangential detail about things. You could have stopped with "His complexion was fair", for example, as the part about his Irish parents passing down easily-sunburned skin isn't relevant right now and could probably be revealed later on if he actually gets a sunburn (and if he doesn't, then why do we need to know that he burns easily?). And do we really need to know about how the television is a special model? Do we even need to know that the remote is black? If we do, do we need to know that right now, or is there a better time to tell us this so that it won't disrupt the pacing of the story? Pick and choose what is actually worth describing first, and then give us just enough detail to get your point across. Your description will flow much more smoothly if you don't try so hard to force it.

The White House

Articles are not capitalized unless they begin a sentence or meet certain criteria if they're in a title. "The" is not part of the proper noun "White House", after all; it's just describing which White House James is seeing. Not that there are any other 1600 Pennsylvania Avenues, of course, but you know what I mean. :p

"PRESIDENT FRASER WILLIAMS FOUND DEAD."

This line will have a lot more impact if it's properly in its own paragraph (in other words, press Enter/Return twice here, too, so that it's visually separated from the preceding paragraph).

James swallowed hard of what remaining salver was in his mouth.

Saliva, not salver, first of all. Second, this sentence is worded clumsily. Try either "James swallowed hard" or "James swallowed what saliva remained in his mouth", but don't try to combine the two.

His stomach was turning, it felt like he was on a rather terrifying rollercoaster; one that ended in death.

Try switching the comma and the semicolon in this sentence. As it stands you have a comma splice and a sentence fragment. "His stomach was turning" and "it felt like he was on a rather terrifying rollercoaster" can stand on their own as two sentences and so should be two sentences, be separated by a conjunction or be separated by that semicolon there. "One that ended in death", on the other hand, can't really stand on its own as a sentence, and is the part that actually needs the comma to attach it to the sentence about the roller coaster.

The death has shocked the USA and the world with its unexpectedness.

"Unexpectedness"... erm, no, I think that's a little too awkward. Try "The unexpected death has shocked the US and the world".

He couldn't grasp the idea that Fraser was dead.

Is James really on a first-name basis with the president? Reading the end of Chapter Two makes seem that way, but... that's just so unusual that it's a little jarring. Maybe just call him President Williams here, and then slip the first name thing in later when Laura reveals that they are friends.

The TV remote slipped through his wet palms and fell to the floor where it landed hard; the batteries flying out of the tapped up cover.

Few things. "From" his wet palms is what I think you mean, as I doubt the remote phased through his hands. Everything after the semicolon is a sentence fragment, so said semicolon should probably be a comma if you don't want to reword that part. And "taped", not "tapped".

The whole conversation with Jane seems a little forced, primarily because you're constantly spelling out things like "I have" instead of using contractions. People in general tend to prefer contractions when speaking; if James (and Jane, to a degree) is really that stressed out, he's not going to take the time to speak formally and separate the words out. He'd probably resort to using contractions even if his natural speech really is that stilted. Third-person narration might not use contractions very often, but it's okay to use them in dialogue.

"Okay", on the other hand, should probably be spelled out. At the very least you should capitalize both letters ("OK, OK", not "Ok, ok"), as at that point it's an acronym of sorts and wouldn't be in proper case like a normal word.

Don't forget to press Enter/Return twice after dialogue as well as after regular paragraphs. It's hard to keep track of who said what when it's all crammed together like that.

"That man was the President of the United States Jane!" James grew angry towards her and his voice raised.
"He was a great man and not for one second do I believe that he died of natural causes." His grip tightened on the phone, he could hear the plastic tightening as his hand mercifully engulfed it.

In addition to a few other small problems here (another comma splice, a missing comma between "States" and "Jane" where there would be a natural pause in speech), I'm fairly certain that James's shouting should all be on one line instead of two. You don't start a new paragraph in the middle of one person's speech unless they're saying something incredibly lengthy or they just dropped some sort of bombshell and you need the whitespace for maximum impact. Right now the new line and the lack of a dialogue tag (not that there should necessarily be one here) means that it's easy to get confused and assume that Jane is the one saying the second bit.

James's voice started to raise in volume as he spoke, but remembered Chris was still sleeping, lowering his voice to a whisper, he looked back into Laura's eyes.

That looks like a run-on. Try turning the part that starts "lowering his voice to a whisper" into a new sentence. Also, you mean "rise" there, not "raise". "James's voice started to rise in volume as he spoke."

There are a lot of similar errors throughout the story; I haven't bothered pointing them all out because a) this already feels terribly nitpicky, and b) most of them are so small and simple that I'm sure you could easily catch them yourself with more careful proofreading. Capitalization mistakes, comma splices, incorrect use of semicolons... most of what you've written makes it look like you do understand the rules for these things fairly well, so I'm sure those are just careless slip-ups you need to watch for a little more diligently. Try taking a break from your chapter for a few hours or even days before proofreading it so that you can approach the task with fresh, objective eyes. You may also want to try reading the chapter in question aloud, as actually hearing yourself say things will help root out awkward sentences and repetition (such as that one sentence structure you're so fond of).

Plotwise this is still very simple and very early in the game, so I don't know that there's a lot to say. Starting off with the death of the president is definitely eye-catching, and it makes me wonder whether James will find more concrete proof of actual foul play. (The comment you made about President Williams not having enemies seems like a slightly naive thing to say, as there will almost always be crazy people in opposing parties, or political leaders from other countries, who hate the president with a passion; of course, how legitimate a threat these people are is another matter entirely, so I guess wording it that way isn't the end of the world.)

James seems slightly weak in the knees and easily rattled for an FBI agent, though I guess his reaction is understandable seeing as the president was apparently a personal friend. Not that I think his being easily rattled is a bad thing--while he'd probably be in trouble if he reacted that way around a higher-ranking member of the Bureau, it does make him more interesting than the usual stone-faced agents you see. And he's got to have a great deal of strength/talent in there if he was hired in the first place, so I'm looking forward to seeing that come out once his nerves settle down a little. :)

Overall, Captain Fabio, I think it's an interesting start, even if it is little more than a start at this point because we haven't seen all that much yet. Just proofread a little more carefully so that the constant tiny errors aren't as distracting, and this will be quite enjoyable.

Captain Fabio · Jun 15, 2010

Thanks for that amazing reply!
It is in a quote because it is easier to distinguish story from OOC!
No, I haven't copied it from anywhere =P

Seriously though, thank you so much!

Delusions of Originality · Jun 20, 2010

Ah, I see. It was just a little jarring because you don't usually see that--maybe, if you wanted to distinguish the author's notes from the story, you could put the notes in quotes instead?

Anyway, happy to help--I really do think this looks promising. I look forward to chapter three.

Through The Lens

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Captain Fabio

Delusions of Originality

good night, sleep tight

Captain Fabio

Delusions of Originality

good night, sleep tight