JX Valentine
Your aquatic overlord
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- Harassing Bill
- Seen Aug 19, 2020
Author's Note: First episode of Mystery Pokémon Theater 3000. Content brought to you by Post Office Buddy. Humor brought to you by sleep deprivation. Have fun, guys!
[OPENING, INT OF THE SATELLITE OF LOVE: In the foreground is a long counter with large, colorful buttons on the left side. To the back are curved, metal walls laced with pipes, interrupted only by the yellow door in the center of the back wall and a chute right next to it. A television monitor hangs from the corner.
Xanthine slides in from stage right, accompanied by a floating ! Unown, Syntax. To the left comes a floating Combee, Andy. Xanthine looks a little disturbed.]
Syntax: So then—so then he says, "The Aristocrats!"
Xanthine: That's got to be the foulest, most inhumane thing I've ever—
Andy: Hey, guys! What's up?
[Xanthine glances in surprise towards Andy.]
Xanthine: Oh, hey, Andy! Syntax was just telling me a joke.
Andy: Really? I like jokes. What was it?
Syntax: Well, there's this family who go to this talent agent, and—
[Xanthine looks at the camera and waves frantically.]
Xanthine: Oh, hey! We're on! I guess you'll have to tell that joke later, Syntax.
Syntax: Aww, but—
Xanthine: [blatantly ignoring Syntax] Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Satellite of Love. I'm one of two human crewmembers aboard for your viewing pleasure, and these are my friends Andy the Combee and Syntax the Unown.
Andy: Hi!
Syntax: Bow to your master.
Xanthine: The other crewmember who unfortunately won't be joining us for this episode because of a technical mishap that renders this ship unable to receive information and steer itself at the same time, therefore potentially plummeting us at several thousand miles per hour towards Earth's rocky surface, is Astinus. In fact, Satellite, if we can check in with her now…
[The TV above the counter flickers to life, revealing the image of a darker room. There's a mess of pipes and wires at the foot of large, boxy machines, and someone in a jumpsuit is half inside one of these in a way that only her lower half can be seen.]
Astinus: —erp in a mini-rocket hadn't knocked out the navigation systems because she's too incompetent to pilot a rocket, I'd—
Xanthine: Hi, Astinus! How's it going?
Astinus: If I get my hands on you, I'll kill you! And your dog! And your—
Intercom: Incoming fanfiction. Repeat. Incoming fanfiction.
Xanthine: Well, it was nice talking to you, Astinus, but it looks like the boys down in the Higher Staff remembered we're up here. I'll talk to you later.
Astinus: Don't you disconnect me!
[Xanthine hits a red button on the console to the side, and the TV screen goes blank. In an unseen slot in the counter, a paper pops up. Behind her, the door opens slowly as she reads.]
Xanthine: Oh, man, looks like this one's an interesting one, guys. It's called "The Fall of Light," and it's the exciting tale of a young boy just starting out on his trainer's journey alongside his black Charmander. He's eventually entwined in a plot involving a mystical prophecy in which his purpose is to save the world.
Andy: So… it's just like every other new trainer story out there?
Xanthine: [tosses the paper over her shoulder] Yeah, pretty much. Come on, guys!
[All three scramble for the door and enter a theater on the other side.]
Prologue
Entei jumped over a boulder wildly, trying to evade his pursuer, but to no avail. With every step the masked man gained on him, how Entei did not know.
Andy: He just wants a hug!
He was nearing the point of exhaustion, considering just giving up. The masked man's Pokemon seemed to be immune to any attacks Entei had tried, and the man himself demonstrated advanced psychic powers. Just a ball of psychic energy had left Entei shaken and weak. The only thing pushing him onward was pure adrenaline.
Xanthine: Also, the fear of being raped.
Syntax: Suicune told him to stay away from shady men. His last encounter with Eusine left him unable to sit down for a week.
Entei sidestepped a tree, ducked under a fallen sapling,
Syntax: Isn't Entei over six feet tall?
Andy: It was a rather large sapling.
and scaled a cliff, but no matter what the mysterious masked man gained. I should be faster than him, he thought. He is only human, after all. This encouraged Entei and gave him another burst of energy to speed up.
Andy: Some people drink coffee to give them a burst of speed. Entei drinks people's trampled dignity.
"You may as well give up," the man shouted. "You're only making it hard on yourself."
Xanthine: He's already turned on! Run, Entei!
This human isn't even winded! Entei thought. How can this be? I should be faster and stronger than any man alive!
"I'm giving you one more warning before I attack again," the man yelled. "You have ten seconds to stop running."
Maybe I can lose him in the volcano, Entei thought. I know I can survive the heat, but I doubt very much he can. So Entei shifted his direction towards the looming peak of the Mt. Ember. He climbed the mountain with every ounce of energy he could muster, running at breakneck speed. However, when he turned his head to see how much distance lay between them, he saw that the man was floating.
Syntax: [as the masked man] "Silly Entei. Don't you realize there's an elevator on the other side of this mountain?"
What in the world? Entei wondered to himself. Who is this man that he can chase me with no more energy than lifting a finger?
"Give up before I have to hurt you," the man yelled. "I don't want you injured when I capture you."
Xanthine: [creepily, as the man] "I want you nice and pretty."
Capture this,
Xanthine: And then it flipped him off.
Andy: Entei's a disgruntled driver with road rage?
Xanthine: From New York.
Entei thought to himself,
Syntax: As opposed to thinking to other people?
leaping onto the peak of the volcano and running across toward the crater. He halted to a stop at the crater, however, unable to believe his eyes. This isn't possible, He thought. There's no way this can be happening. Standing in front of him was Moltres, one of the legendary bird Pokemon of the Kanto region.
Entei knew all about the bird Pokemon.
Andy: It filed a restraining order for stalking him earlier that year.
They were supposed to live peacefully in the islands of thunder, ice, and fire.
Andy: …Aren't those in the Orange Islands and not Kanto?
What is Moltres doing here? He wondered. Did someone drive him out? Or is there an imbalance in nature that baited him out?
Xanthine: Well, for one, there's that man back there who wants to rape you.
He was unable to ask Moltres this, however, because the man suddenly appeared over the edge of the crater, a pleased look dominating his face.
Syntax: [as the man] "Hello, little boy. I've got candy."
His eyes burned with sadistic joy at the sight of Moltres and Entei side by side.
Syntax: He wanted nothing more than to take those two pokémon into his white, unmarked van.
His mouth curled into a grin and his sharp teeth were bared at the legendary Pokemon.
Andy: Aww, isn't that cute? He thinks he's a growlithe.
Syntax: That happened to me once. I woke up the next morning in Mexico.
Entei shot the man a look of disgust and contempt, but the man did not seem fazed.
Andy: Because Entei have only one look. The "I wish I could kill you" look.
"Ah, how very fortunate. Just the Pokemon I was going to search for next. I must thank you, Entei; I never expected this,"
Syntax: [as the man] "This is the best Christmas ever!"
the masked man mused. "How very fortunate that you should join us, Moltres."
Xanthine: [as the man] "…For dinner and a nice rape."
The masked man's evil smile only widened when he said this,
Andy: Just in case you didn't catch the fact that this man is evil, we're going to make it even more obvious!
as Moltres and Entei returned an annoyed stare mixed with rage and hatred.
Syntax: Rage and hatred. As opposed to, say, rage and "I really don't mind you but want to kill you anyway."
the masked man only laughed in response. "So you wish to defy me still? So be it."
Moltres! We must fight together to stop this man from catching both of us! Fight with me! Entei said to Moltres,
Syntax: But… wait! Don't the italics mean he's thinking? So… he's thinking aloud?
Xanthine: Of course. This is the "thinking to other people" example you were wanting earlier.
Syntax: Ohh!
exasperated by the masked man's gloating. We can't afford to be caught by this man. Who knows what atrocities he will force us to commit once we are under his will?
Andy: He may dress us up in maid's costumes and have us make love to one another! Have you seen what people like him put on the internet?!
Syntax: So you're who's been looking through my favorites folder.
Okay, the combined power of our fire
Xanthine: By your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN PLANET!
shall send this human into submission.
You appear injured, Entei. I shall heal you with some of my restorative fire, Moltres said.
Andy: It's not just fire. It's restorative fire. The extra adjective makes it more special!
In that instant Moltres expelled a stream of fire from its beak onto Entei. It swirled around Entei for a few seconds, enveloping his body with its rejuvenating flames. The fire dissipated and Entei instantly felt revitalized. He now had his strength and stamina back.
Syntax: It's like Viagra in flaming form!
Thank you, Moltres. Now we shall end this humans terror once and for all! Entei cheered.
Xanthine: With pom-poms.
He looked at Moltres with a new sense of reverence, as if healing him had made the Moltres holy in a way.
Xanthine: Because, you know, being essentially the guardian and god of a force of nature doesn't quite make you holy enough.
An implied connection occurred between them at that moment; if either of them needed anything, no matter how big or small, the other would be there to help no matter the cost.
Syntax: Not just any kind of connection. It was an implied connection of companionship.
Andy: Oh my.
Xanthine: You know, guys, "subtext" is just an anagram of "buttsex"!
"Nice little trick there, Moltres, but it is all for naught. Soon you will belong to me!" the man crowed with anticipation.
Andy: For goodness sake, Evil Overlord Rule #6: "Don't gloat over your enemies' predicament before killing them!" How many James Bond movies does it take for people to figure this out?!
"How can you possibly think that you can defeat someone as powerful as I?
Andy: Well, according to the usual cliché, quite easily. By walking out during your monologue.
Or maybe I need to show you why I am unstoppable!" That said, the man threw off his mask glaring at Entei and Moltres with large eyes full of hate and rage.
Syntax: That's one scary mask.
Entei stared at the face a split second before he realized who it was that faced him.
Xanthine: Ahhahaha. The face is facing him. Oh, what clever puns.
His curiosity turned to sheer terror in less than a second. Before Entei could react, the man summoned a ball of dark energy in the palm of his hand and thrust it at Entei with enough force to send a semi flying.
Andy: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen semi?
Entei instantly fainted, but was held in place by some power. Moltres, too, fell beside his comrade after the man threw another ball of energy at him. The man pulled out two Pokeballs seemingly from thin air
Xanthine: It took several trips to the ER before he finally learned how to properly hide Poké Balls in such a tight orifice.
and tossed them towards the two limp figures. He tossed his head back and laughed as the Pokeballs shook for the last time before remaining still. His laugh echoed down the mountainside and into the village sitting at the base of the mountain, where civilians heard it and shuddered at the tortured sound of the man's hysterical laughter.
Syntax: How do you get a laugh to sound tortured? Whip yourself?
Xanthine: Ask an emo kid. They do everything tortured.
He laughed for a long time before finally calming down.
Andy: [as the man] "Oh, man, that was a kneeslapper. Woo!"
"Two down, eight to go," the man muttered to himself while retrieving his Pokeballs.
Twenty miles away, a young boy awoke in a cold sweat, jolted awake by nightmares of a man with no face and extraordinary powers.
Xanthine: The man stopped by his bedroom before going off to molest Entei.
Chapter One: Our Hero
It was a chilly fall morning. Jeff was just getting up from bed, groggy from his recently interrupted sleep. He had been having strange dreams lately, ones that made no sense to him.
Andy: [as Jeff] "Mom! I dreamt a creepy, faceless guy came into my room last night!"
Xanthine: Wait. We're watching Twilight?
Something about a man with a mask chasing him. Cornering him. Revealing his horrifying face. Knocking him out.
Andy: He was just that ugly.
He never remembered what the man's face looked like, he only remembered that it scared him half to death.
Syntax: So it looked like Dick Cheney in drag?
Jeff sat up, exhausted. His alarm clock beside his bed displayed a flashing 12:00 over and over. 'Great,' he thought. 'The power must have gone out last night.' Power failures had been common recently. Something seemed to be interfering with the flow of electricity in the area. What was causing such a problem was beyond the explanation of any specialist.
Syntax: Well, the beautician's convention was in town. So many hairdryers.
Andy: It was horrible!
At first leading scientists in the region thought that an increase in the population of Magnemites could have caused the recent power failures, but upon closer inspection of the surrounding area they determined that the Magnemite population had actually decreased. Electricians had tested every power line in the area, but none seemed to be faulty. It simply could not be explained.
Xanthine: So, then they called in Al Gore, who determined it was global warming.
Strange things had been happening throughout the world since the first of March. Ice storms in tropical regions, thunderstorms in wintry places, and entire populations of cities passing out from agonizing headaches. No causes had been announced in the two weeks since the odd occurrences began, and scientists were no closer to discovering a hypothesis.
Syntax: They were so stumped the fact that they were stumped had to be reiterated over and over again!
Jeff was sitting on his bed, thinking about these strange phenomena, when a cry of excitement was let loose outside.
Xanthine: [as Jeff] "Mom! Put your clothes back on!"
He jumped up as fast as he could and ran outside. He skidded to a halt when he saw his neighbor, Katy glance towards him. He blushed uncontrollably and tried to shrink away so she would not notice that he had come outside wearing nothing but boxers. She did not seem to notice, however, and continued to stare into the sky.
Syntax: So… she glanced at him but kept on staring at the sky?
Andy: The part of Jeff will be played by a Pidgey.
Xanthine: No doubt there's absolutely no difference in intelligence there.
Andy: Hey now! Don't insult the Pidgey!
Jeff looked skywards and instantly forgot his nakedness.
Andy: Jeff is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Circling above them were two large birds of strange shapes.
Syntax: Circles!
They seemed to be fighting each other, dodging special attacks
Andy: Every attack is special in its own special way.
and colliding occasionally. Jeff gaped in astonishment while the two large birds fought.
"Not everyday that you see something like this, huh?" Jeff heard beside him. He glanced over and saw that the voice came from Professor Drake, his teacher and friend. "Pretty awesome sight, to tell the truth."
Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "But not as awesome as the sight of your underwear. Unicorns. Really?"
"Yeah. I mean, what are those things?" Jeff asked.
"If I am not mistaken, those are the fabled Articuno and Zapdos. As far as I knew they hadn't left their home in the Sevii Islands.
Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "Except for those times when they weren't. You know. Like in every other form of canon except this one."
Something must have flushed them out," the professor said.
"What could possibly have done so?" Jeff asked in awe.
"Another super powerful Pokemon
Andy: It's also special in its own special way.
that hasn't ever been seen or heard of, or some natural disturbance. I cannot know for sure. But I do know one thing: Zapdos must have caused the power outages," the professor reasoned.
Andy: [as Professor Drake] "There couldn't possibly be any other explanation! Not even human error!"
"Yeah, I can see how," Jeff replied. "The size of the bolts of lightning that... Zapdos...
Syntax: [as Jeff] "Its name is so sensual… I'm almost breathless… speaking it."
is creating are enormous!"
"Yes, they are," the professor said gloomily. "If I am correct, it also carries a dangerously high static charge with it at all times. The static would be strong enough to knock out power for several miles.
Andy: This theory is scientifically sound!
I doubt very much that we are the only affected town."
"What can we do about this?" Jeff asked, his eyes wide with apprehension.
Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "You can put on pants, for Arceus' sake!"
"Nothing," Professor Drake replied. "None of the Pokemon on this island are strong enough to face those Pokemon.
Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "Except yours, for you are the obligatory Chosen One."
We'll just have to let them fight it out."
At that moment a bolt of lightning erupted from the heavens and struck the ground thirty feet away from Jeff. Jeff was hit by the shock wave and thrown five feet back.
Syntax: And then he died. The end!
Andy and Xanthine: Yay.
He hit the ground in a confused daze, unable to think or move. The wind was knocked out of his lungs when he crashed into the ground and he blacked out for a few moments.
Xanthine: Professor Drake had to give him mouth-to-mouth.
Syntax: It would be the first time Jeff had ever gotten to first base.
The next thing he knew Katy was kneeling by his side, concern evident in her face.
Andy: [as Katy] "Oh nuts. You're still alive."
"Are you okay?" Katy asked when it was clear that he was conscious.
"I... I don't know. I feel like I was hit by a train," Jeff replied. "I don't know if I can get up."
"Here, I'll help you up," Katy said. She looked very worried. Jeff noticed that she had a few small cuts on her usually flawless face.
Xanthine: Wow. It didn't take long at all for Mary Sue to be introduced.
He felt a feeling of worry and regretted being unable to protect her.
Syntax: [as Jeff] "Now she'll never agree to go with me to the junior prom!"
"Are you okay?" he asked. "You're bleeding a little bit."
"I'm better off than you are. Here, grab my hand and I'll help you up," Katy said. Jeff grasped her hand and was able to stand up. Bad day for boxers, he thought. At least it's dark out.
Syntax: Bow chicka bow-wow!
"I think I can get to my house now," Jeff said. "Thanks for the help. I really appreciate it. Go get those cuts checked out, they could get infected if you're not careful."
"You're so sweet," She replied. "Take it easy. Don't push yourself too hard. You took quite a nasty hit."
Xanthine: [as Katy] "I'm turned on by boys who nearly get killed."
They walked their separate ways, Jeff walking carefully to his house and Katy covering her face with a cloth she borrowed from a neighbor. His door burst open as he approached it and his mother came running out.
Andy: She was also in her underwear.
"I saw what happened. Are you okay?" she asked in worry. Her eyes were wide with fear as she surveyed the damage done to her only son.
Andy: [as Jeff's mother] "Don't worry, honey. We'll afford the plastic surgery somehow!"
"Yeah, I think I'll be fine. I feel like I just got hit by a bus right now though," Jeff replied. His eyes were half closed with exhaustion and he felt the urge to just lay down and sleep right there.
"Then get inside and rest up. I want you to feel well by tomorrow," his mom said. She began to turn but was stopped by Jeff's questioning gaze.
Syntax: [as Jeff] "Mom, why are you not wearing any pants either?"
"What are we doing tomorrow?" Jeff asked quizzically.
Syntax: In case you haven't noticed that he's asking a question, we're going to make that question sound extra… questionable.
He searched his mother's face for any betraying expressions, but her face revealed nothing but worry. Disappointed, he waited for her answer.
"No need to go into detail," she finally said after a moments hesitation. "I'll explain everything tomorrow when you should feel better. Just come in and go to bed." She looked at the sky worriedly, as if she were afraid of something.
Andy: The wrath of God.
The two bird Pokemon had disappeared, however, perhaps taking their fight somewhere else.
"I don't think we have to worry about them hurting anyone else," Jeff said. "They seem to be gone now."
"That's not what I'm worried about," she said so softly that Jeff barely heard her. He thought about pursuing the matter, but decided that she wasn't going to reveal any details until the next day.
I wonder what she's so worried about, Jeff thought. Must be something important. He tiredly made his way to his room, groping about in the darkness.
Xanthine: He was thereafter arrested for sexual harassment.
He followed the wall and finally reached his room, collapsing on his bed instantly, breathing heavily with exhaustion and exertion.
Xanthine: The abundance of choppy narration made him tired.
Syntax: As did the sex. Breathing heavily with exhaustion, you say?
First thing in the morning I'm going to have my mom explain what's going on. But for now I need to sleep. And with that he drifted off into sleep to dream about the masked man and the terror he elicited in his victims.
Syntax: It was a very pleasant dream.
[OPENING, INT OF THE SATELLITE OF LOVE: In the foreground is a long counter with large, colorful buttons on the left side. To the back are curved, metal walls laced with pipes, interrupted only by the yellow door in the center of the back wall and a chute right next to it. A television monitor hangs from the corner.
Xanthine slides in from stage right, accompanied by a floating ! Unown, Syntax. To the left comes a floating Combee, Andy. Xanthine looks a little disturbed.]
Syntax: So then—so then he says, "The Aristocrats!"
Xanthine: That's got to be the foulest, most inhumane thing I've ever—
Andy: Hey, guys! What's up?
[Xanthine glances in surprise towards Andy.]
Xanthine: Oh, hey, Andy! Syntax was just telling me a joke.
Andy: Really? I like jokes. What was it?
Syntax: Well, there's this family who go to this talent agent, and—
[Xanthine looks at the camera and waves frantically.]
Xanthine: Oh, hey! We're on! I guess you'll have to tell that joke later, Syntax.
Syntax: Aww, but—
Xanthine: [blatantly ignoring Syntax] Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Satellite of Love. I'm one of two human crewmembers aboard for your viewing pleasure, and these are my friends Andy the Combee and Syntax the Unown.
Andy: Hi!
Syntax: Bow to your master.
Xanthine: The other crewmember who unfortunately won't be joining us for this episode because of a technical mishap that renders this ship unable to receive information and steer itself at the same time, therefore potentially plummeting us at several thousand miles per hour towards Earth's rocky surface, is Astinus. In fact, Satellite, if we can check in with her now…
[The TV above the counter flickers to life, revealing the image of a darker room. There's a mess of pipes and wires at the foot of large, boxy machines, and someone in a jumpsuit is half inside one of these in a way that only her lower half can be seen.]
Astinus: —erp in a mini-rocket hadn't knocked out the navigation systems because she's too incompetent to pilot a rocket, I'd—
Xanthine: Hi, Astinus! How's it going?
Astinus: If I get my hands on you, I'll kill you! And your dog! And your—
Intercom: Incoming fanfiction. Repeat. Incoming fanfiction.
Xanthine: Well, it was nice talking to you, Astinus, but it looks like the boys down in the Higher Staff remembered we're up here. I'll talk to you later.
Astinus: Don't you disconnect me!
[Xanthine hits a red button on the console to the side, and the TV screen goes blank. In an unseen slot in the counter, a paper pops up. Behind her, the door opens slowly as she reads.]
Xanthine: Oh, man, looks like this one's an interesting one, guys. It's called "The Fall of Light," and it's the exciting tale of a young boy just starting out on his trainer's journey alongside his black Charmander. He's eventually entwined in a plot involving a mystical prophecy in which his purpose is to save the world.
Andy: So… it's just like every other new trainer story out there?
Xanthine: [tosses the paper over her shoulder] Yeah, pretty much. Come on, guys!
[All three scramble for the door and enter a theater on the other side.]
---
Prologue
Entei jumped over a boulder wildly, trying to evade his pursuer, but to no avail. With every step the masked man gained on him, how Entei did not know.
Andy: He just wants a hug!
He was nearing the point of exhaustion, considering just giving up. The masked man's Pokemon seemed to be immune to any attacks Entei had tried, and the man himself demonstrated advanced psychic powers. Just a ball of psychic energy had left Entei shaken and weak. The only thing pushing him onward was pure adrenaline.
Xanthine: Also, the fear of being raped.
Syntax: Suicune told him to stay away from shady men. His last encounter with Eusine left him unable to sit down for a week.
Entei sidestepped a tree, ducked under a fallen sapling,
Syntax: Isn't Entei over six feet tall?
Andy: It was a rather large sapling.
and scaled a cliff, but no matter what the mysterious masked man gained. I should be faster than him, he thought. He is only human, after all. This encouraged Entei and gave him another burst of energy to speed up.
Andy: Some people drink coffee to give them a burst of speed. Entei drinks people's trampled dignity.
"You may as well give up," the man shouted. "You're only making it hard on yourself."
Xanthine: He's already turned on! Run, Entei!
This human isn't even winded! Entei thought. How can this be? I should be faster and stronger than any man alive!
"I'm giving you one more warning before I attack again," the man yelled. "You have ten seconds to stop running."
Maybe I can lose him in the volcano, Entei thought. I know I can survive the heat, but I doubt very much he can. So Entei shifted his direction towards the looming peak of the Mt. Ember. He climbed the mountain with every ounce of energy he could muster, running at breakneck speed. However, when he turned his head to see how much distance lay between them, he saw that the man was floating.
Syntax: [as the masked man] "Silly Entei. Don't you realize there's an elevator on the other side of this mountain?"
What in the world? Entei wondered to himself. Who is this man that he can chase me with no more energy than lifting a finger?
"Give up before I have to hurt you," the man yelled. "I don't want you injured when I capture you."
Xanthine: [creepily, as the man] "I want you nice and pretty."
Capture this,
Xanthine: And then it flipped him off.
Andy: Entei's a disgruntled driver with road rage?
Xanthine: From New York.
Entei thought to himself,
Syntax: As opposed to thinking to other people?
leaping onto the peak of the volcano and running across toward the crater. He halted to a stop at the crater, however, unable to believe his eyes. This isn't possible, He thought. There's no way this can be happening. Standing in front of him was Moltres, one of the legendary bird Pokemon of the Kanto region.
Entei knew all about the bird Pokemon.
Andy: It filed a restraining order for stalking him earlier that year.
They were supposed to live peacefully in the islands of thunder, ice, and fire.
Andy: …Aren't those in the Orange Islands and not Kanto?
What is Moltres doing here? He wondered. Did someone drive him out? Or is there an imbalance in nature that baited him out?
Xanthine: Well, for one, there's that man back there who wants to rape you.
He was unable to ask Moltres this, however, because the man suddenly appeared over the edge of the crater, a pleased look dominating his face.
Syntax: [as the man] "Hello, little boy. I've got candy."
His eyes burned with sadistic joy at the sight of Moltres and Entei side by side.
Syntax: He wanted nothing more than to take those two pokémon into his white, unmarked van.
His mouth curled into a grin and his sharp teeth were bared at the legendary Pokemon.
Andy: Aww, isn't that cute? He thinks he's a growlithe.
Syntax: That happened to me once. I woke up the next morning in Mexico.
Entei shot the man a look of disgust and contempt, but the man did not seem fazed.
Andy: Because Entei have only one look. The "I wish I could kill you" look.
"Ah, how very fortunate. Just the Pokemon I was going to search for next. I must thank you, Entei; I never expected this,"
Syntax: [as the man] "This is the best Christmas ever!"
the masked man mused. "How very fortunate that you should join us, Moltres."
Xanthine: [as the man] "…For dinner and a nice rape."
The masked man's evil smile only widened when he said this,
Andy: Just in case you didn't catch the fact that this man is evil, we're going to make it even more obvious!
as Moltres and Entei returned an annoyed stare mixed with rage and hatred.
Syntax: Rage and hatred. As opposed to, say, rage and "I really don't mind you but want to kill you anyway."
the masked man only laughed in response. "So you wish to defy me still? So be it."
Moltres! We must fight together to stop this man from catching both of us! Fight with me! Entei said to Moltres,
Syntax: But… wait! Don't the italics mean he's thinking? So… he's thinking aloud?
Xanthine: Of course. This is the "thinking to other people" example you were wanting earlier.
Syntax: Ohh!
exasperated by the masked man's gloating. We can't afford to be caught by this man. Who knows what atrocities he will force us to commit once we are under his will?
Andy: He may dress us up in maid's costumes and have us make love to one another! Have you seen what people like him put on the internet?!
Syntax: So you're who's been looking through my favorites folder.
Okay, the combined power of our fire
Xanthine: By your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN PLANET!
shall send this human into submission.
You appear injured, Entei. I shall heal you with some of my restorative fire, Moltres said.
Andy: It's not just fire. It's restorative fire. The extra adjective makes it more special!
In that instant Moltres expelled a stream of fire from its beak onto Entei. It swirled around Entei for a few seconds, enveloping his body with its rejuvenating flames. The fire dissipated and Entei instantly felt revitalized. He now had his strength and stamina back.
Syntax: It's like Viagra in flaming form!
Thank you, Moltres. Now we shall end this humans terror once and for all! Entei cheered.
Xanthine: With pom-poms.
He looked at Moltres with a new sense of reverence, as if healing him had made the Moltres holy in a way.
Xanthine: Because, you know, being essentially the guardian and god of a force of nature doesn't quite make you holy enough.
An implied connection occurred between them at that moment; if either of them needed anything, no matter how big or small, the other would be there to help no matter the cost.
Syntax: Not just any kind of connection. It was an implied connection of companionship.
Andy: Oh my.
Xanthine: You know, guys, "subtext" is just an anagram of "buttsex"!
"Nice little trick there, Moltres, but it is all for naught. Soon you will belong to me!" the man crowed with anticipation.
Andy: For goodness sake, Evil Overlord Rule #6: "Don't gloat over your enemies' predicament before killing them!" How many James Bond movies does it take for people to figure this out?!
"How can you possibly think that you can defeat someone as powerful as I?
Andy: Well, according to the usual cliché, quite easily. By walking out during your monologue.
Or maybe I need to show you why I am unstoppable!" That said, the man threw off his mask glaring at Entei and Moltres with large eyes full of hate and rage.
Syntax: That's one scary mask.
Entei stared at the face a split second before he realized who it was that faced him.
Xanthine: Ahhahaha. The face is facing him. Oh, what clever puns.
His curiosity turned to sheer terror in less than a second. Before Entei could react, the man summoned a ball of dark energy in the palm of his hand and thrust it at Entei with enough force to send a semi flying.
Andy: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen semi?
Entei instantly fainted, but was held in place by some power. Moltres, too, fell beside his comrade after the man threw another ball of energy at him. The man pulled out two Pokeballs seemingly from thin air
Xanthine: It took several trips to the ER before he finally learned how to properly hide Poké Balls in such a tight orifice.
and tossed them towards the two limp figures. He tossed his head back and laughed as the Pokeballs shook for the last time before remaining still. His laugh echoed down the mountainside and into the village sitting at the base of the mountain, where civilians heard it and shuddered at the tortured sound of the man's hysterical laughter.
Syntax: How do you get a laugh to sound tortured? Whip yourself?
Xanthine: Ask an emo kid. They do everything tortured.
He laughed for a long time before finally calming down.
Andy: [as the man] "Oh, man, that was a kneeslapper. Woo!"
"Two down, eight to go," the man muttered to himself while retrieving his Pokeballs.
Twenty miles away, a young boy awoke in a cold sweat, jolted awake by nightmares of a man with no face and extraordinary powers.
Xanthine: The man stopped by his bedroom before going off to molest Entei.
Chapter One: Our Hero
It was a chilly fall morning. Jeff was just getting up from bed, groggy from his recently interrupted sleep. He had been having strange dreams lately, ones that made no sense to him.
Andy: [as Jeff] "Mom! I dreamt a creepy, faceless guy came into my room last night!"
Xanthine: Wait. We're watching Twilight?
Something about a man with a mask chasing him. Cornering him. Revealing his horrifying face. Knocking him out.
Andy: He was just that ugly.
He never remembered what the man's face looked like, he only remembered that it scared him half to death.
Syntax: So it looked like Dick Cheney in drag?
Jeff sat up, exhausted. His alarm clock beside his bed displayed a flashing 12:00 over and over. 'Great,' he thought. 'The power must have gone out last night.' Power failures had been common recently. Something seemed to be interfering with the flow of electricity in the area. What was causing such a problem was beyond the explanation of any specialist.
Syntax: Well, the beautician's convention was in town. So many hairdryers.
Andy: It was horrible!
At first leading scientists in the region thought that an increase in the population of Magnemites could have caused the recent power failures, but upon closer inspection of the surrounding area they determined that the Magnemite population had actually decreased. Electricians had tested every power line in the area, but none seemed to be faulty. It simply could not be explained.
Xanthine: So, then they called in Al Gore, who determined it was global warming.
Strange things had been happening throughout the world since the first of March. Ice storms in tropical regions, thunderstorms in wintry places, and entire populations of cities passing out from agonizing headaches. No causes had been announced in the two weeks since the odd occurrences began, and scientists were no closer to discovering a hypothesis.
Syntax: They were so stumped the fact that they were stumped had to be reiterated over and over again!
Jeff was sitting on his bed, thinking about these strange phenomena, when a cry of excitement was let loose outside.
Xanthine: [as Jeff] "Mom! Put your clothes back on!"
He jumped up as fast as he could and ran outside. He skidded to a halt when he saw his neighbor, Katy glance towards him. He blushed uncontrollably and tried to shrink away so she would not notice that he had come outside wearing nothing but boxers. She did not seem to notice, however, and continued to stare into the sky.
Syntax: So… she glanced at him but kept on staring at the sky?
Andy: The part of Jeff will be played by a Pidgey.
Xanthine: No doubt there's absolutely no difference in intelligence there.
Andy: Hey now! Don't insult the Pidgey!
Jeff looked skywards and instantly forgot his nakedness.
Andy: Jeff is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Circling above them were two large birds of strange shapes.
Syntax: Circles!
They seemed to be fighting each other, dodging special attacks
Andy: Every attack is special in its own special way.
and colliding occasionally. Jeff gaped in astonishment while the two large birds fought.
"Not everyday that you see something like this, huh?" Jeff heard beside him. He glanced over and saw that the voice came from Professor Drake, his teacher and friend. "Pretty awesome sight, to tell the truth."
Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "But not as awesome as the sight of your underwear. Unicorns. Really?"
"Yeah. I mean, what are those things?" Jeff asked.
"If I am not mistaken, those are the fabled Articuno and Zapdos. As far as I knew they hadn't left their home in the Sevii Islands.
Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "Except for those times when they weren't. You know. Like in every other form of canon except this one."
Something must have flushed them out," the professor said.
"What could possibly have done so?" Jeff asked in awe.
"Another super powerful Pokemon
Andy: It's also special in its own special way.
that hasn't ever been seen or heard of, or some natural disturbance. I cannot know for sure. But I do know one thing: Zapdos must have caused the power outages," the professor reasoned.
Andy: [as Professor Drake] "There couldn't possibly be any other explanation! Not even human error!"
"Yeah, I can see how," Jeff replied. "The size of the bolts of lightning that... Zapdos...
Syntax: [as Jeff] "Its name is so sensual… I'm almost breathless… speaking it."
is creating are enormous!"
"Yes, they are," the professor said gloomily. "If I am correct, it also carries a dangerously high static charge with it at all times. The static would be strong enough to knock out power for several miles.
Andy: This theory is scientifically sound!
I doubt very much that we are the only affected town."
"What can we do about this?" Jeff asked, his eyes wide with apprehension.
Syntax: [as Professor Drake] "You can put on pants, for Arceus' sake!"
"Nothing," Professor Drake replied. "None of the Pokemon on this island are strong enough to face those Pokemon.
Xanthine: [as Professor Drake] "Except yours, for you are the obligatory Chosen One."
We'll just have to let them fight it out."
At that moment a bolt of lightning erupted from the heavens and struck the ground thirty feet away from Jeff. Jeff was hit by the shock wave and thrown five feet back.
Syntax: And then he died. The end!
Andy and Xanthine: Yay.
He hit the ground in a confused daze, unable to think or move. The wind was knocked out of his lungs when he crashed into the ground and he blacked out for a few moments.
Xanthine: Professor Drake had to give him mouth-to-mouth.
Syntax: It would be the first time Jeff had ever gotten to first base.
The next thing he knew Katy was kneeling by his side, concern evident in her face.
Andy: [as Katy] "Oh nuts. You're still alive."
"Are you okay?" Katy asked when it was clear that he was conscious.
"I... I don't know. I feel like I was hit by a train," Jeff replied. "I don't know if I can get up."
"Here, I'll help you up," Katy said. She looked very worried. Jeff noticed that she had a few small cuts on her usually flawless face.
Xanthine: Wow. It didn't take long at all for Mary Sue to be introduced.
He felt a feeling of worry and regretted being unable to protect her.
Syntax: [as Jeff] "Now she'll never agree to go with me to the junior prom!"
"Are you okay?" he asked. "You're bleeding a little bit."
"I'm better off than you are. Here, grab my hand and I'll help you up," Katy said. Jeff grasped her hand and was able to stand up. Bad day for boxers, he thought. At least it's dark out.
Syntax: Bow chicka bow-wow!
"I think I can get to my house now," Jeff said. "Thanks for the help. I really appreciate it. Go get those cuts checked out, they could get infected if you're not careful."
"You're so sweet," She replied. "Take it easy. Don't push yourself too hard. You took quite a nasty hit."
Xanthine: [as Katy] "I'm turned on by boys who nearly get killed."
They walked their separate ways, Jeff walking carefully to his house and Katy covering her face with a cloth she borrowed from a neighbor. His door burst open as he approached it and his mother came running out.
Andy: She was also in her underwear.
"I saw what happened. Are you okay?" she asked in worry. Her eyes were wide with fear as she surveyed the damage done to her only son.
Andy: [as Jeff's mother] "Don't worry, honey. We'll afford the plastic surgery somehow!"
"Yeah, I think I'll be fine. I feel like I just got hit by a bus right now though," Jeff replied. His eyes were half closed with exhaustion and he felt the urge to just lay down and sleep right there.
"Then get inside and rest up. I want you to feel well by tomorrow," his mom said. She began to turn but was stopped by Jeff's questioning gaze.
Syntax: [as Jeff] "Mom, why are you not wearing any pants either?"
"What are we doing tomorrow?" Jeff asked quizzically.
Syntax: In case you haven't noticed that he's asking a question, we're going to make that question sound extra… questionable.
He searched his mother's face for any betraying expressions, but her face revealed nothing but worry. Disappointed, he waited for her answer.
"No need to go into detail," she finally said after a moments hesitation. "I'll explain everything tomorrow when you should feel better. Just come in and go to bed." She looked at the sky worriedly, as if she were afraid of something.
Andy: The wrath of God.
The two bird Pokemon had disappeared, however, perhaps taking their fight somewhere else.
"I don't think we have to worry about them hurting anyone else," Jeff said. "They seem to be gone now."
"That's not what I'm worried about," she said so softly that Jeff barely heard her. He thought about pursuing the matter, but decided that she wasn't going to reveal any details until the next day.
I wonder what she's so worried about, Jeff thought. Must be something important. He tiredly made his way to his room, groping about in the darkness.
Xanthine: He was thereafter arrested for sexual harassment.
He followed the wall and finally reached his room, collapsing on his bed instantly, breathing heavily with exhaustion and exertion.
Xanthine: The abundance of choppy narration made him tired.
Syntax: As did the sex. Breathing heavily with exhaustion, you say?
First thing in the morning I'm going to have my mom explain what's going on. But for now I need to sleep. And with that he drifted off into sleep to dream about the masked man and the terror he elicited in his victims.
Syntax: It was a very pleasant dream.
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