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[Pokémon] Journey [PG-13]

Meta-Morph

A Mysterious Person Appeared!
57
Posts
14
Years
    • Summary: READ THE STORY YOURSELF, I'M NOT GIVING ANY SPOILERS

    Rating: PG-13 = Violence, mild language, dialog.

    Author's Note: This is what happens if you played too much Heart Gold Soul Silver, 16, loves violence, Pokemon and cursing, and you think the anime sucks.

    I hope you like my story, cause whether you like it or not I'm gonna post whatever the hell I want, got it? :< I'll try to make sense, brace yourselves.

    Also, do not bump my thread. If you do, and it gets closed, I will kill you. It takes a long time to write a new chapter, people.

    INDEX:

    CHAPTER 1: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=5684260&postcount=3
    CHAPTER 2: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=5689277&postcount=23
    CHAPTER 3: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=5690904&postcount=26

    - PROLOGUE -​

    "Erik." A voice said.

    I groaned, as I knew whose voice it was.

    "Erik, it's time to get up." the voice said. The voice was soft, I guess it was because she knew that you don't like hearing loud voices in the morning.

    "Five more minutes." I groaned, as I was in my bed, and then I felt a hand shaking me.

    "Erik, I know you don't want to get up, but honey you have to do something for your father today." the voice said.

    Reluctantly, I pulled my covers off to see my mother, Angelina sitting on my bed. She had golden hair that fell across her shoulders, her eyes were a bright turquoise. That's my mom, Angelina Walker, my over-protective mother.

    "What is it this time?" I groaned again, as I already knew the answer.

    "He wants you to go pick up some wood, we're out of fire in our fireplace." my mother said, as she got up from my bed to let me get up.

    "He says he thinks you should become a lumberjack like him-,"

    "Sorry mom, but I can't. That's not my dream job, okay? Tell him that." I interjected, as I pushed her out of the my room so that I could get dressed, and then I slammed the door.

    I heard her on the other side of the door, sighing as she went downstairs.

    My name is Erik Walker, I'm a 16 year old guy with no job, no ambition, and no life whatsoever. I sported black, messy hair, I'm 5'04", a medium build, bright purple eyes, and I have long legs. The purple eyes is a weird genetic mix-up, the doctors at the hospital I was born in told me that I had really weird genes, even though my mother and father were fine.

    I live in Pallet Town, the smallest town of the Kanto region. I have 3 neighbors, and no friends. Apparently, no one likes me.

    Me and my family moved here 3 years ago from Ecruteak City, my dad was fired from his job as a restaurant owner so we had to move someplace smaller. We would've moved to New Bark Town if it wasn't already booked out, every frickin' house was taken, geez.

    And so we moved to Pallet Town, a small, desolate place in the middle of nowhere. It's nothing compared to Ecruteak City, this is like a hick town.

    I got dressed quickly, and tried to rush out of the door but my mom stopped me.

    "Stop and eat breakfast," she said, and I reluctantly went into the kitchen.

    The kitchen was an average kitchen (actually it was smaller), refrigerator, oven, stove, and a table in the middle of it. I sat down at that table, and made myself some eggs and toast as my mom began to talk to me.

    "Erik, have you ever thought of getting a job?" she asked.

    (Oh boy,) I thought, (here we go again.).

    "I'm getting a job next month," I said, putting aside the topic as I took my cooked food and sat down.

    "You said that last month." my mom said.

    Oh ****.

    "Erik," as she continued, "I think you should work in Viridian City if you don't want to be a lumberjack."

    The story of why my father was a lumberjack was simple: it was the only job available, and it gave good pay, but it was back breaking work. Literally. My dad works in Viridian Forest, chopping down wood and making it into paper. Why didn't they use Pokemon, you ask? Well, Pokemon needed food, water and shelter, and the lumberjack's pay was limited, so they had to do everything by hand. Which was why I also had to get the wood myself since we didn't own a Pokemon.

    "I'll work there, fine. I gotta go." I said, wolfing down my food as I left my house before my mom could say anything else.

    I walked on a path carved from our house to the main path, and began walking.

    I looked around Pallet Town, seeing wild Pidgey fly across the sky, people leaving their humble homes as I walked to Route 1.

    Once I got there, I made sure to spray myself with Repel, an item that prevents Pokemon from attacking you for a while. It smelled like a Grimer, ugh....

    I walked around, looking for wood. I thought about a lot of stuff while doing this, such as my father.

    My father, Jonathan Walker, was a guy you would call a family man. He cared for us so much he would do a job that put him in a lot of pain every day to not see us suffer. Mom though I hated dad, but I didn't. I just wasn't a people person, I was shy, and I can't really talk to people.

    I saw a pile of wood that would end my wood search, as I walked to it I heard something panting behind me. I carefully looked behind me, to see a orange lizard with a flame on the tip of it's orange tail. It was a Pokemon, and it's blue eyes looked at me. It wasn't one I've ever seen, so it must've been rare.

    I looked back at it, and I could tell it was in pain. It panted heavily, as it walked towards me.

    I didn't understand why the Repel wasn't working, and then it was clear: it wore off.

    Damn it. I gotta get out of here now. Anything can attack me now.

    The Pokemon said a "Char...", as I backed away. "Stop right there," I yelled, but it didn't stop walking towards me. (Is it hungry, or tired?) I thought, and then began walking away from it, not turning my back away from it.

    It panted, and then started to walk faster. The Pokemon had scars all over it, and it's flame was very, very low. It seriously looked like it could pass out, no die any moment.

    Whether it was tired, hungry, or in need of help, I don't care. Pokemon maybe cute, cuddly and cool to some people, but I know for a fact that some can rip your head off the second they get the chance, which was why I needed to leave.

    As I walked backwards, I bumped into a tree, injuring my head.

    "Ow!" I yelped, as I backed away from it.

    I looked at the tree, and my fear began to set in.

    I bumped into a Kakuna, a cocoon Pokemon. It was a yellow cocoon with black eyes that opened and looked at me maliciously. I had disturbed it's sleep, and I could literally feel it was angry.

    The lizard Pokemon was afraid as well, as it began to walk away from me and the tree.

    When I thought nothing could get worse, it did.

    The Kakuna began to crack open, and a white spear began poking out of it.

    It was the hatching of a Beedrill, a bee-like Pokemon with two white spears and it was one of the maddest Pokemon known, it was always angry at something. Anything that mad it mad would feel it's wrath.

    And I had made it mad.

    I heard more cracking sounds, and I looked around the trees around me to see they were all filled with Kakuna.

    I. Was. Screwed.

    I then began to run, the lizard Pokemon as well. We both knew that if we stayed there any longer we would be dead.

    Then the buzzing sounds came in. All of the Beedrill had hatched, and they were angry. I didn't know why the rest were angry at me, but I needed to get out of there regardless.

    The lizard and me began running even faster, but the Beedrill were close by.

    They finally reached us, except they attacked the lizard Pokemon first, began jabbing him with their needles. The lizard Pokemon yelped, as it tripped.

    I know I didn't care for the Pokemon before, but I knew that if I left it back there, it would die.

    And that was why I went back, even though my whole body, down to the cells, wanted to get out of there.

    I eventually found the lizard Pokemon, who being jabbed by 4 Beedrill.

    "Hey, get away from that Pokemon!" I yelled, grabbing a nearby long stick, and began waving it around, causing the Beedrill to move away from the Pokemon so that I could grab it.

    "Come on buddy, don't give up on me now." I whispered in it's ear hole. The lizard Pokemon looked at me, with hope of surviving this ordeal in it's eyes.

    Then, I looked up to see the Beedrill had surrounded us. On of them attempted to hurt the lizard, but I waved my stick at it, which it broke.

    Next, a Beedrill jabbed me, making me yelp and almost drop the lizard Pokemon, but I held on to it firmly.

    After that, they began jabbing me some more, my jacket was filled with holes and I had many puncture wounds where blood poured out. I think they were enjoying this.

    Then, a humongous Beedrill came up to me, and jabbed my in the chest, attempting to hurt the lizard.

    This time I fell over, he had punctured my lung. My breathing became unsteady, and the lizard was hurt as well.

    The big Beedrill tried to hurt the lizard Pokemon again, but I lunged and got my stomach hit with his poison filled main needle. I gasped from the pain, and the poison oozed into my blood system.

    The lizard Pokemon used it tail to scare off the Bee Pokemon, after I had fell over. It looked at me, obviously worried.

    "Don't worry about me, buddy." I smiled. I wondered why I saved it, why did I risk my life for it?

    And that left one answer: I couldn't let something die without me dieing myself, and that extended to Pokemon. I cursed myself for my stupid pity, but I couldn't say it aloud, as my consciousness was slowly slipping away.

    The lizard looked at me, and then it's face changed, like it was mad.

    It turned back to the Beedrill, glared at all of them, and even though I could barely see, I could see and hear they felt uneasy.

    Then, the lizard's tail fire began getting bigger and bigger, until it was almost as big as the lizard. It's tail, once before barely as big as a lighter's flame, was now as big as a campfire's. I could only watch in awe, as the lizard shouted "CHAAAAR!", and blew fire from it's mouth. The Beedrill caught fire, as they screamed in extreme pain as they all left, leaving me and the lizard alone.

    The lizard Pokemon staggered toward me, and it's flame went back to it's original size. It fell down next to me, it's eyes tired as well.

    What had happened, I didn't care. I don't think I would've asked if I could've either.

    I mustered something out of me, saying "Thanks, Pokemon. What's your name?" I asked.

    "Charmander." It said weakly. It was dying, and I could see it.

    "Thanks Charmander, thanks for saving my ass." I laughed, as Charmander laughed weakly as well. It was weird, we were both dying, but yet we still found the time to laugh. I guess that's a sign how close we are to death....

    We both looked up into the sky. It was still morning, I looked at my watch to see I only gone for two hours, but it felt like two days.

    I was tired, and then I looked back to see Charmander had already closed it's eyes.

    I thought about how Charmander saved me, and how I saved it. Maybe Pokemon aren't so bad after all...

    I reminisced as I remembered my life and my past experiences, and all the stuff I wanted to do that would never be complete. Like see him again...

    Then, slowly but surely, mines did as well, and I fell unconscious.

    - END OF PROLOGUE -​
    ​
     
    Last edited:

    Meta-Morph

    A Mysterious Person Appeared!
    57
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Chapter 1

    (Okay, I'll just post the first Chapter then. Be warned, this is longer than the Prologue because things are going to get complicated.)

    - CHAPTER 1 -​

    (Ugh, where am I..?) I thought.

    Then, suddenly it all came back to me, my memory. I remembered that I left the house, and met a lizard Pokemon named...

    "CHARMANDER!" I yelled, as my eyes opened, but then I was blinded by the bright light.

    (Where the hell am I?) I thought, (Am I dead?!?).

    Once my sight recovered, it only took me a second to know that I wasn't in heaven or hell. It was a hospital.

    I looked around, and I smelled medicine from not far away. (Peppermint,) I thought. I looked at myself.

    I had stitchings al over my body, most noticeably my stomach. I had a tube inside my right arm, and I was wearing a white hospital gown in a hospital bed.

    I looked over to the right side to see a food tray. Even though it was disgusting, I gradually ate the milk, mini pancakes and scrambled eggs.

    "Erik, dear!" I heard, as I looked up my mother came running to my side, hugging me(and choking)with love.

    "Mom..." I whispered in her ear, "Let go...."

    "Oh sorry, dear." she said, letting me go instantly.

    I looked at her, and even though it was faint, I could still see the salt in her eyes. She had been crying....for me probably.

    Then it hit me; what about dad?

    My questioned was answered for me.

    "Hey sport," I heard, as my mother and I looked behind us to see my father. "How're you feeling?"

    "I'm fine, don't worry about me." I said, as I tried to get up, but then I collapsed. I still wasn't healed enough.

    "I wouldn't try that if I were you," I heard ahead of me. My mom and dad parted away from my bed so that I could see a man wearing a doctor's attire.

    "Who're you?" I asked bluntly, ignoring my mother's glare.

    "I'm Doctor House," he also said bluntly, "I'm your doctor. You need to rest for at least a day, son."

    "Don't call me your son, my damn father is right here you douche." I growled. My parents only looked at me like I was crazy, but House just laughed.

    "Ha ha, sorry about that. But in all seriousness, you should rest, Erik. I just want the best for you." he said, trying to comfort me.

    I could already see this guy was going to be a problem. I would've got up his ass about it, but then I remembered something.

    "Where's Charmander?" I asked, only to be greeted by confused looks.

    "Oh, you mean the orange lizard Pokemon?" House asked, as I nodded he said "He was taken by his original owner."

    "His WHAT?" I was about to say more, but then House cut me off. "I can already see this is aggravating you. No more talking until he sleeps."

    "But, he's our son-," My mom said, I could already see she was going to cry.

    "I'm truly sorry ma'am, but your son needs to rest before we can talk to him again." House said, as he led my already crying mother and my father trying to comfort her out the room, leaving me alone again.

    After that, I began thinking. (Original owner? Does it have a Trainer?) I thought, as I flopped onto the bed, feeling the pillow under my head as I plopped it down onto it.

    (Charmander probably does have a Trainer, or maybe a owner....) I thought, as I turned to the right side of the bed.

    I got up and turned off the light(It was very bright, and I had to turn it off even if I was in pain), and I went to the bathroom.

    After doing my business, I washed my hands and looked into the mirror. My face was the only thing unharmed from the Beedrill, and I looked at my back (or at least tried to, it was very hard), to see even more scars. Damn, was I really that beat up.

    I left the bathroom, and noticed there was a clock near my hospital bed. It said April 5th, 2010.

    Wait....I left the house at April 2nd.....

    "HOLY CRAP I WAS ASLEEP FOR 3 DAYS??!?!" I shouted, and fell on my bed. No wonder my family was worried about me....I was in a coma for 3 days!

    I decided I had to let my mind rest, so I climbed into the bed, and went to sleep almost immediately.

    LATER.....​

    After that, I woke up in the morning to see doctor House, as I groaned.

    "What? Not happy to see me?" he chuckled, as I just glared as he walked towards me.

    "What do you want?" I said bluntly.

    "Well, you're being taken out of the hospital now, you're fine." he said, already undoing my tubes.

    "Say what?" I said, surprised.

    "Most of your wounds were easy to fix, so all you needed was to sleep and now you can leave. Just remember not to do anything that involves hard work for 3 days, okay?" House answered, as he then began to walk towards the door.

    "Get dressed, and take this." he said, throwing an index card at me.

    "What the hell is this?" I said, as I looked at it to gasp.

    "The owner of that Pokemon you rescued told me to give it to you. He's known as-,"

    "PROFESSOR OAK?!?! I SAVED PROF. OAK'S POKEMON?!?!" I shouted, as I looked at the index card in excitement.

    "You know him?" House said, rather surprised.

    "In Johto, he's a celebrity. EVERY ONE in Johto listens to his Radio Show with D.J. Mary! Holy crap, was that Charmander really his??!!" I said, unable to stop panting.

    "Calm down. Huh, so I guess you're in his debt. He said he wanted to see you as soon as possible. Well, goodbye Erik." House said, closing door as I immediately got dressed. I had to see this man as soon as possible, sorry mom and dad. I just gotta meet him!

    LATER....​

    "Prof. Oak!?!" They both said, as I explained about the index card Doctor House just gave me.

    "Yeah! I have to meet him, he lives in Pallet Town right???" I said, eager to meet him.

    "You should rest, Erik...." my mother said, but my dad had a different answer. "Hell yes!"

    "Jonathan!" my mother scolded, but my dad continued talking. "Erik, go meet that man today, got it? We'll meet you when we get home, until then take care!" with that, my father left me.

    I sighed, because my dad loved Prof. Oak. He was the one when we lived in Johto to listen to his radio shows, and he still does, even in Kanto.

    I left the hospital to smell in the fresh air of Pallet Town. Pallet Town used to not have a Pokemon Center or Human Hospital but they were just built this year.

    I then walked to Oak Hill.

    LATER....​

    I looked upon the great hill in awe of how tall it was. Oak Hill was where Prof. Oak conducted his research, because he was a Pokemon Professor, which meant he studied Pokemon like 3 other professors.

    As I walked up the hill on the only path leading up, I saw kids battling with their Pokemon. Here, Prof. Oak gave new Pokemon Trainers their first Pokemon, and where Prof. Elm, the Pokemon Professor of my home region began his career here as I student of Prof. Oak. I remember that when I was in school when I was 10 that Elm had came over to my school and said Oak studied the relationships between Pokemon and Humans, which inspired him to become a Professor.

    I made it to the top of hill, and knocked on the door of the great mansion that was before me. He has a mansion because he lived and worked here, not to mention have Pokemon of his own.

    In only a few seconds the door was opened, and I saw Prof. Oak.

    "Why hello, are you Erik?" he asked warmly. It felt somehow very pleasant to be next to this old man.

    "Er, yeah, I'm Erik-," I began to say, as Oak took my hand and pulled me inside.

    "Ah, wonderful to see you. I want to talk you." Oak said, as I just followed him.

    We walked down the hall, and turned left into a room where you could hear machines hum as we went inside.

    "I want to talk about you saving Charmander." Oak said, as we sat down on a couch.

    "Okay, what about it?" I asked.

    "Him. Charmander apparently has taken a liking to you, and it's Trainer complained that ever since he got back he will not listen to him." Oak said, as I blinked a few times before answering.

    "Oh....are you saying you're angry at me?"

    "Not at all! In fact, I'm overjoyed! That Charmander is one of the most troubling Pokemon I've ever had, he never listens to me or his Trainers. But it seems he likes you, so you must have a special bond to that Pokemon!" Oak said, and I could literally feel the excite come off of him.

    "Um, okay...why does it like me?" I asked.

    "Well, some Pokemon are different than others, and Charmander doesn't like Humans." Oak explained.

    "Why? He lives in a world full of them, and other Pokemon have no problems with us." I added.

    "Charmander has no family or friends." Oak said.

    "Why is that?"

    "Charmander's entire family and friends were killed and abducted by Humans."

    I was stunned. In a world were Humans and Pokemon were best friends, this was unheard of.

    "You see, Charmander's entire colony was taken away from him. I know about this because I was near that colony at the time. Can you imagine how he had must have felt, watching as Humans, it's supposed friends, killed and taken his family and friends away from him? He was only a baby at the time. I caught him in a Poke Ball before those ruthless people had taken him as well.

    "After that, I watched and studied as that Pokemon became stronger and stronger, but yet still had a hatred for Humans. I was the only exception at the time. Yesterday, Charmander left my lab because he met his Trainer, and was disgusted by him. He left my mansion and went into Route 101, where he met you. But before he met you he had apparently burned some trees with Kakuna on them out of anger...."

    (That explains why those other Beedrill attacked me,) I thought. "Why was he covered in scars?" I asked.

    "It appears that when I healed him he was training at the time, and he gets hurt while training. The training is very harsh to his body, you see." Oak said.

    "But overall, what I just explained is why I want you to become my Assistant." Oak said, looking at me excitably.

    I nearly fell off the couch, but I held my balance. Did I just hear what I thought I had just heard? He wants me, a nobody he's never met before in his life to take care of his Pokemon because I saved it?!?!

    "I know this sounds crazy," Oak said, he still wasn't finished, "But I want you to be my assistant because you seem to have a special bond with Pokemon. You saved Charmander from those Beedrill even though you could've just run away. I need people like you, those who truly care for Pokemon."

    (He has a point there,) I thought. "Okay, so what if I say yes to your proposal?"

    "I'll make you an Prof.'s Assistant, and I want you take on the Kanto-Johto Gym Challenge." Oak responded.

    I heard of that challenge before. They called it the ultimate test, a Trainer had to go travel Kanto AND Johto to get 8 badges of both regions from places called Pokemon Gyms, a place for Trainers to test their skills and Pokemon against a very strong Trainer called a Gym Leader, who specialized in one type of Pokemon.

    "Why??!" I yelled.

    "Charmander will not be satisfied with just being a Pokemon that lays around the house, and I'm sure you don't want to be a boring lab assistant anyway, so I think you should be a Field Assistant and take the challenge to satisfy both of your needs." Oak explained.

    "One more thing..." I asked once again.

    "Yes?"

    "Why're you giving me a Pokemon now? Shouldn't I have gotten one at 10?" I asked.

    "Well, 10 years ago you would've. However, due to irresponsible Trainers, the government is making Trainers fill out a test form, have money, etc..." Oak sighed.

    "What!?! I'm not rich! I'm not smart!" I yelled, as people began knocking on our door due to my shouting.

    Oak shooed them away, and said to me "Exactly, which is why Trainers are diminishing. Since I recommended you, they won't object, they trust my word." Oak said proudly.

    "Okay, I'll think about it..." I said, and I got up to leave before Oak said "I'm giving Charmander back to his original Trainer tomorrow morning. Erik, Charmander's Trainer is someone who thinks Pokemon are battling tools. Please, think about it." He said, as I sighed and left the mansion and Oak Hill.

    I went back home, and told my parents.

    I expected the answer.

    "HELL NO." my mother and father said in unison. With that, I just sighed and went back to my room. I knew why they both said it....no, I can't talk about it right now.

    LATER....​

    After I ate dinner, it was nighttime. It was 2:00 AM in the morning, and I was still awake, thinking about Charmander and Prof. Oak's proposal.

    (What should I do...) I thought, (disobey my parents or let Charmander have a bad Trainer? Why am I even thinking about this?!?!)

    I then groaned as I turned over in my bed. Then, I remembered what Oak told me. ('You have a special bond with Pokemon, Erik.') and then I thought (He's right....I should've left Charmander to those Beedrill, but I didn't...what should I do....)

    I sighed, as I took out a coin. It was made of gold, it had a Magikarp on one side and a Gyrados tail on the other.

    "Heads, go for it. Tails, stay home." I took a deep breath, and flipped.

    LATER.....​

    I knocked on the door of Oak Mansion.

    "Hello?" a tired voice called. Oak opened the door, as I greeted him and said "I think I'll take your offer. When do I leave?"

    - END OF CHAPTER 1 -​
     
    Last edited:

    Meta-Morph

    A Mysterious Person Appeared!
    57
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Thanks, my first comment in a long time.

    Gonna try and post Chapter 2 tonight or tomorrow.
     

    Meta-Morph

    A Mysterious Person Appeared!
    57
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Thanks. All comments are appreciated.

    Chapter 2 will be done tomorrow, or the day after that if I'm not busy. It should come at night, got TAKS tests.
     

    Silawen

    41
    Posts
    14
    Years

    • Good afternoon! I felt the urge to review again, so I randomly chose a fic. Yours happened to be the one. ;) Hopefully my comments will be of use to you.

    ~
    ​

    First of all, I would advice against bolding your entire story. It gets straining on the eye and can, especially with certain forum styles, blend in awkwardly. Plus, you really don't need to bold it, do you? Everything can be read perfectly even if you don't.
    "Erik," a voice said.
    Click to expand...


    Punctuating dialogue is pretty difficult, I have to admit. I had plenty of trouble with it too, at first. However, learning how to punctuate properly is only going to make your story better, so I figured I'd show you how it's done. Once you get the hang of it, it's really rewarding, trust me. ^^

    "Hello," she said.

    Just like your sentence, you get a comma after the spoken sentence and a lowercased word after it. This is because 'said' is a speech verb. It's a verb that you can use to indicate someone is talking. (Much like 'whispered', 'asked', 'murmured', 'yelled', etc. Not to be confused with verbs that only produce sounds, not words.)

    You can also substitute the comma for a question mark or exclamation point when you want to ask or shout something. The word after it still remains lowercased, though.

    When you're not using a speech verb, you get something like this:

    "Hello." The girl waved.

    The girl isn't waving a sentence, so the 'waved' clearly isn't a speech verb. As a result you get a period/full-stop at the end of the spoken sentence and a capital letter at the start of the one following it.

    It's a bit tricky, so let me know if something isn't quite clear.
    I groaned, as I knew whose voice it was.
    Click to expand...


    Who's stands for 'who is', not the possessive. So you'd say 'who's making such a noise?' When you want to imply someone owns something, then you say 'does anyone know whose bag that is?'
    "Erik, it's time to get up," the voice said.
    Click to expand...


    Can I just say that I'm very happy to see you understand direct address? It makes me jittery with excitement. XD

    I showed you the correct punctuation one more time, as an extra example. I'm not going to change all of them, however, as I'm sure you can catch the others.
    It was a heavenly smooth voice and its sound made your ears happy to hear something so beautiful.
    Click to expand...


    It's stands for 'it is', much like who's stood for 'who is'. The possessive of 'it' is 'its'. The fox waved its tail about, for example.

    Also, the two sentences 'it was a heavenly smooth voice' and 'Its sound made your ears happy' are really two separate sentences, so if you want to combine them you can't just use a comma. I'd add 'and' instead.
    "Five more minutes," I groaned, as I was in my bed, and pulled my clothing over my head.[/quote

    Writers are often urged to write out any numbers below a hundred. So 'five', not '5'. Also, you pull your clothing over your head, not whatever it is that you had. Granted, I'm a bit surprised that he's groaning about wanting five more minutes and yet, while still in bed, immediately puts his clothes on.
    "Erik, I know you don't want to get up, but please, honey, you have to do something for your father today," the voice said.
    Click to expand...


    Much like you did with 'Erik', honey is also something that gets a comma before it. It's still a case of direct address, because she's directly referring to someone by some sort of name. ('Honey', in this case.)
    She had golden hair that fell across her shoulders, her eyes were a bright turquoise, and her skin was silky smooth. If I didn't know she was my mom, I would've thought she was an angel that descended on earth.
    Click to expand...


    You need a verb in that second fragment. Additionally, I'd use 'know' instead of 'think'. People don't usually say they 'think' their mother is their mother, as it implies uncertainty. You either know or you don't.

    The way your character describes his mother is a bit...creepy, though. He almost seems in love with her. Silky skin, really?
    "He wants you to go pick up some wood, we're out of fire in our fireplace," my mother said, as she got up from my bed to let me get up.
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    Wait, she'd been sitting there?

    I think the comment about being 'out of fire' is awkward. It's not something that you have spare bits of, or that you can run out of. As long as you have the means to, you can make fire. It's more that they ran out of wood to burn.
    My name is Erik Walker. I'm a sixteen year old guy with no job, no ambition, and no life whatsoever. I have black, messy hair. I'm 5'04", a medium build, have bright purple eyes, and I have long legs. Compared to my mother, I would be a peasant and she would be a queen.
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    Is his mother going to be a very important part of the story? (For example, is something going to happen to her that spurs him on?) Because right now his fascination with how gorgeous his mother is just sounds creepy, especially coming from a sixteen year old. (A sixteen year old who apparently doesn't have a pokémon, which hurts my head.)

    Now, I never like info-dumps like this. It's never a good idea to throw lots of information at your reader all at once. Things like that should be shared gradually. Something hits his eye? Mention their colour. A strong wind is blowing? Mention his hair being tossed around. A low door-way? Mention his height. Don't just throw it all together and hope your readers remember.

    I'm going to skip ahead to some interesting bits, now. The other mistakes are ones I already explained, or those that a good reread could fix.
    We would've moved to New Bark Town if it wasn't already inhabited.
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    Ehm, there wouldn't have been a town to begin with if it wasn't inhabited? Plus, so is Pallet Town. People live there, so it's inhabited. I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but it's not working. XD
    "Erik, have you ever thought of getting a job?" she asked.
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    That isn't a very logical question to ask if they've already discussed it before. It's clearly he has or hasn't, depending on earlier conversations, so I don't get this one. Maybe 'have you reconsidered getting a job' or something, instead?
    (Oh boy,) I thought, (here we go again.).
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    I'd suggest putting thoughts in italics. Between brackets always makes it seem like the reader is leaving author's notes, to me.
    "I'll work there, fine. I gotta go." I said, wolfing down my food as I left my house before my mom could say anything else.

    I walked on a path carved from our house to the main path, and began walking.
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    So, I'm assuming he's leaving to avoid the conversation? You have to make it a bit more clear, because it just seems like he randomly decided to get out.

    I didn't understand why the Repel wasn't working, and then it was clear: it     had worn off.
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    It's 'had worn off' because it's a case of the present perfect here. (Something that happened in the past but is still noticeable or having an impact. In this case, he can still notice the effects of it wearing off.)
    Pokemon were well known for killing Humans, which was why I needed to leave.
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    They are? Did something change, then? Because as far as I know there are countless people journeying the pokémon world and very few have had anything bad happen to them. Especially in a quiet town such as Pallet.

    (Also, if you start out in past tense, then stick to it. Don't switch around. So, were/was instead of are. ;) )

    Then the buzzing sounds came in. All of the Beedrill had hatched, and they were angry. At me.
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    How convenient that they all decided to hatch at the same time.

    Also, personally I believe that you shouldn't capitalize pokémon species such as beedrill or charmander - not unless it's the specific name of one such a pokémon - but that's a very loaded discussion, so I'll just say it and be done with it. XD
    I mustered something out of me, saying, "Thanks, Pokemon. What's your name?" I asked.

    "Charmander," it said weakly. It was dying, and I could see it.

    "Thanks, Charmander, thanks for saving my ass." I laughed and it laughed weakly as well.
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    First of all, why is he laughing when you just said he knew the creature was dying? How cruel can you get?

    Also, how can he not know a charmander when he sees one? Yes, they're rare, but he lives in Pallet Town where professor Oak has been known to keep some of them. If you're using anime canon, then he even hands them out regularly! It's not realistic that this boy would not know what a charmander was.

    ~
    ​

    Overall.

    Plot:

    Your plot is flimsy, so far. A sixteen year old boy is sent out to get firewood and suddenly runs into a hurt charmander. A charmander without an owner, which is impossible, that somehow manages to make it to the outskirts of Pallet Town. They're pokémon that Oak hands out, so it should have an owner. The fact that he doesn't know what kind of pokémon it is seems odd, too. It just all sounds like a convenient ploy to give your character a 'special charmander' as a pokémon.

    Talking about pokémon, where are his? I don't buy the whole 'he doesn't care' thing. He lives in a world that adores pokémon and uses them for everything. His father must own them, if he cuts trees, and he even lives in a town that hands them out for free. Even lazy, uninterested people would get something that useful, especially if it was free.

    At his age he should have a started and, really, he should have had one for years. I glanced ahead and saw that the charmander took 'a liking to him' and whatnot, which just confirms my belief that you used this as a way to get him a starter. Even worse, it's a pokémon that dislikes everyone but suddenly likes him.

    Also, his parents - later on - not allowing him to go on a journey? Crazy. This is a world that completely accepts becoming a trainer. It's something every young boy and girl is expected to do and he's not allowed to? Didn't his parents complain that he needed to do something with his life and get a job? Becoming a trainer would be the ideal solution! So, no, your plot doesn't really make much sense.

    Punctuation:

    I've explained some important punctuation rules, but you have awkward sentences everywhere. A lot of your sentences are broken up in odd pieces and I think looking things over with a beta reader would really help you get a hang of comma-use.

    That's it for now. If you have any questions, please let me know. :)
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    Meta-Morph

    A Mysterious Person Appeared!
    57
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • @ Reviewer.....

    AH ****.

    Hold on, major editing time....

    I never thought it sounded creepy! Oh well, let me change some things....

    REASON WHY ERIK NEVER KNEW WHAT A IS CHARMANDER:

    Well, he never really had an interest in Pokemon, he knew Oak as a celebrity, but not as much as a Pokemon Professor. He does know the Johto Starters, but not the Kanto ones, he never bothered to try to know them.

    Also, Charmander is special in a sense, (you're about to see in a moment) but really he's not that unique.

    I think my bad grammar and punctuation is due to me not being a natural writer. If I had someone to write for me, this would turn out much better. One more thing. I HATE ITALICS. That's why I have parenthesis as thoughts.
     
    Last edited:

    Silawen

    41
    Posts
    14
    Years

    • Well, he never really had an interest in Pokemon, he knew Oak as a celebrity, but not as much as a Pokemon Professor. He does know the Johto Starters, but not the Kanto ones, he never bothered to try to know them.
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    I don't get that, though. How could someone have such a disinterest in pokémon that they don't even go and get the completely free ones that everyone gets? It would be strange that he disliked pokémon so much that he'd completely keep himself from doing something that's expected.

    However, if that were the case, then has it had any impact on his life? What has he been doing while other kids were all out travelling through their respective regions?

    Also, I find it highly unlikely that a kid who knows Oak as a celebrity wouldn't know that that celebrity is also a renowned professor in the very same town he lives in? Plus, with all the beginning trainers walking around in Pallet - and all the commercials or ads that there no doubt are - you'd think he would have seen a charmander before.

    It just doesn't add up to me. XD
     

    Meta-Morph

    A Mysterious Person Appeared!
    57
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • I said not as much XD, he knows Oak is a Professor but that's it.

    I think you should re-read Chapter 1 on why he doesn't get a free Pokemon, answer is in there, I just wrote it.

    P.S. NO TV IN POKEWORLD
     

    Silawen

    41
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • "Well, 10 years ago you would've. However, due to the PTR(Pokemon Rights Act), they're making Trainers fill out a test form, have money, etc..." Oak sighed, "They're also getting close to banning the Poke Ball!"

    "What!?! I'm not rich! I'm not smart!" I yelled, as people began knocking on our door due to my shouting.
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    Oh, no, please don't do this. It's going to make things incredibly difficult for you. Because while you think it's a good explanation, it's also going to impact a lot of other things. For example, if getting a pokémon starter is so very difficult, then there'd be very few trainers, fewer marts and pokémon centres, changes in infrastructure and politics, and even men like professor Oak would notice. A pokémon professor wouldn't be half as important if pokémon can't be caught and thus researched any more.

    Also, test forms? Does that mean that even fewer people can become trainers now? That must mean the entire world has changed. A lot of jobs would have changed, gyms would loose their interest, heck, everything would change.

    It may seem like an easy solution, but it's not.

    P.S. NO TV IN POKEWORLD
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    Wait, what? Ehm, there is, all canons support it. O_O So I'm confused what exactly you're saying here.
     

    Meta-Morph

    A Mysterious Person Appeared!
    57
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • That's why the Kanto-Johto Challenge is up. It's to make people know that the Gyms are still open. And you're right, everything has changed. This isn't the same Pokeworld we know and love, my FF is different and you're about to see why. Marts are also selling stuff for less now. Professor Oak is still important, remember CELEBRITY. People like him too. And he agrees with the PTR, which is why he's going to have Erik(me, my real name)do things like in HG/SS, walk the Pokemon that's first in your party. And I like this new change I have up, new original ideas away!

    THIS ISN'T CANON. Television was actually made in the past, but it never really caught on. Come on, you have ANIMALS WITH SUPAHPOWERS, so no TV.
     

    Silawen

    41
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Meta-Morph said:
    That's why the Kanto-Johto Challenge is up. It's to make people know that the Gyms are still open. And you're right, everything has changed. This isn't the same Pokeworld we know and love, my FF is different and you're about to see why. Marts are also selling stuff for less now. Professor Oak is still important, remember CELEBRITY. People like him too. And he agrees with the PTR, which is why he's going to have Erik(me, my real name)do things like in HG/SS, walk the Pokemon that's first in your party. And I like this new change I have up, new original ideas away!
    Click to expand...


    But it doesn't make sense that they are open. If, apparently, so many people are unhappy with pokémon capture, then it wouldn't make sense that such huge, expensive buildings promoting it would be left in peace. If the entire world has changed because of these new rules, then it wouldn't make sense that such huge, public places were left alone.

    THIS ISN'T CANON. Television was actually made in the past, but it never really caught on. Come on, you have ANIMALS WITH SUPAHPOWERS, so no TV.
    Click to expand...


    Okay, so it's an AU? It's not necessarily a point of view I understand - because I love canon, it's why I fell in love with pokémon to begin with - but it explains a lot. I still don't understand the 'no tv' but, though. There were tvs everywhere in canon, so why doesn't that mix with 'animals with superpowers'?
     

    Meta-Morph

    A Mysterious Person Appeared!
    57
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • It's just the way I want my FF, okay? TV sort of ruins it a bit for me....They have PokeGear, so no TV.

    The PTR doesn't like Poke Balls or Pokemon mistreated, that's it. Battling can be controlled, and Pokemon like battling, although the PTR hates battling they allow that and Gyms to go with it. Yeah, most Pokemon like battling, if they didn't it they would get bored. They allow Pokemon to be captured because they don't want their homes to be destroyed by a rampaging Ursaring, okay?

    Less money is coming into all four regions because of this, so Viridian City is a bit smaller than you probably remember. Let me post that Chapter 2 in 3 hours or tonight, okay? I'm tired from stupid state tests...
     

    Silawen

    41
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • The PTR doesn't like Poke Balls or Pokemon mistreated, that's it. Battling can be controlled, and Pokemon like battling, although the PTR hates battling they allow that and Gyms to go with it. Yeah, most Pokemon like battling, if they didn't it would be boring.
    Click to expand...


    But how are people supposed to battle if they can't house their pokémon somewhere? Do they just walk alongside everyone at all times? Where are pokémon stored, if not in their pokéballs? What do they do with huge pokémon such as onix, or snorlax? What keeps the pokémon from wandering off?

    Also, why would the PTR make such a fuss about pokéballs - which pokémon don't seem to mind much either, on average - and not battling?
     
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