[Pokémon] Nick's Unova

Here's a story about a boy named Nick starting out as a pokemon trainer. Comment on how you like the story so far as well with what you think should change or be added. Stay tuned for chapter updates. The story is hid behind a spoiler for length reasons.

I would suggest first of all to space it out, as in its current form it's just plain too hard to read. It's easy to get lost with who is saying what, and the wall of text isn't good for the eyes (especially given computer screens aren't great for it in the first place!).

The best way would be to make a line of spacing between each paragraph, and with that begin a new paragraph everytime someone else/different speaks. Once you have that it'll be easier to comment on the actual story. =p

I hope that's a little better. If it's still wrong can you give me an example then? This is my first time attempting something like this so any help would be appreciated.

That looks much better already. I'd still add some line spacing between all of the paragraphs rather than just some of them for consistency's sake, and to not start a new paragraph *right* when dialogue starts; just the sentence when dialogue starts when someone else talks provided a paragraph hasn't yet started. E.g from this:

I stood there for about two minutes thinking long and hard. I finally chose one, turned to professor Juniper and said
"I choose Snivy." Snivy closed its eyes and smiled while Oshawott and Tepig just froze, unable to believe that they were turned down.
"Alright," Professor Juniper said, "Here's your pokedex and ten pokeballs to get you started. Have fun and don't forget about a word I said."

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to this:

I stood there for about two minutes thinking long and hard. I finally chose one, turned to professor Juniper and said "I choose Snivy." Snivy closed its eyes and smiled while Oshawott and Tepig just froze, unable to believe that they were turned down.

"Alright," Professor Juniper said, "Here's your pokedex and ten pokeballs to get you started. Have fun and don't forget about a word I said."

Click to expand...

Here's another example, but I'll go over some things first:

I took a step inside and the waiting room greeted me. Greeted me with white walls and a linoleum floor. I walked up to a counter to the left and a young man wearing a lab coat and jeans greeted me.
"Hey Nick! Today is the big day huh?" He asked.
"I guess so Mr. Smith," I answered "How's the whole apprentice thing working out? Anything interesting?".
"Ahh, nothing too exciting. Just take a seat and Professor Juniper will be with you shortly." Mr. Smith said motioning to one of many seats located on the other side of the room.

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The second sentence sounds a bit odd by itself and with 'greeted me' repeated; I feel it sounds better merged with the first sentence. Add in a full stop after 'Answered' too, given a new sentence starts with the following dialogue (reading alout anyway it seems the obvious option).

As with dialogue; only use full stops before the closing quotation mark if the sentence ends there (ie it doesn't get followed by 'said the man' or something like that which won't make sense as its own sentence). Along with that if you don't treat the two parts as separate, then don't use capitals right after the sentence.

To clarify; with '"Hey Nick! Today is the big day huh?" He asked. ', that 'He' should be a 'he' as 'He asked' doesn't work as its own sentence but rather is part of a sentence including the dialogue given it tells us who says it and how it was said. With the following line, don't use a full stop after shortly as 'Mr. Smith said, motioning to....the room.' sounds off as its own sentence and again flows on from the dialogue rather than being a standalone sentence (e.g. '"Hello." The cage fell.' are two separate sentences so here you can use the full stop).

Adding in a comma after 'said' and 'big day' to give a pause to narration and dialogue respectively as well, and removing the full stop after the second bit of dialogue (it's unnecessary) you end up with:

I took a step inside and the waiting room greeted me with white walls and a linoleum floor. I walked up to a counter to the left and a young man wearing a lab coat and jeans greeted me.

"Hey Nick! Today is the big day, huh?" he asked.

"I guess so Mr. Smith," I answered "How's the whole apprentice thing working out? Anything interesting?"

"Ahh, nothing too exciting. Just take a seat and Professor Juniper will be with you shortly," Mr. Smith said, motioning to one of many seats located on the other side of the room.

Click to expand...

Hope that helps. A couple other things:

The light streamed through the window and gently splashed on my face casting a golden hue all across my room. I looked at my clock.
"Alright," I said to myself "it's only 6:45. Still fifteen minutes till my alarm goes off."

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Need a comma after 'myself' there.

Alright, I think that should do it. Thanks for your help so far, it's been great.