Sneak Preview of Pokemon Guardians; Act 1; Rise of the Guardian

This very moment, plans and ideas are being made to create the brand new Fan Fiction series that combines the transformations and attacks based from Sailor moon, technology based off of Reboot and of course the mythical creatures of Pokemon.

My plan, to make an exciting series of an ordinary girl, Meadow, and her helpful friends, who take on the forces of evil by using the powers of their mystical key tools, which allow them to use many different weapons and of course transform them into their GUARDIAN Pokemon.

The story will take a while to plan out. So the first post will probably take a little while to make.

I have plans on making a couple seasons of it, bringing new characters in almost each time.

The legendaries are set to make some appearences, but not too much.

Here's what the title screen MIGHT look like:


Background MAY be changed later on if needed.

Here's a little bit of what I hope to be in "Rise of the Guardian"

"B.B..But How Do I use this/" asked Meadow, holding the Key Tool into the dim light.

"Just hold it up and say; Glitch, "Mightyena Download" and you and i shall become one." Mightyena said quietly to her.

"It's the only way to save your friend."

She quickly looked over, at Justin, being cornered by Porcela. it's shiny, glass claws reaching out in an evil manner.

"Alright! I'll do it." Meadow nodded. She held the key Tool high up into the air with a tight grasp.

She took a quick gulp.

"GLITCH, MIGHTYENA DOWNLOAD!" she yelled.

Within seconds, a huge gold light shone out of the key tool, overtaking Meadow.

As soon as it came, it disappeared, revealing meadow in a strange black outfit.

A black sailor-like outfit with a black collar, boots and skirt. Long, white gloves reaching her elbows. Plus, a tiara with a small, round black jewel.

Meadow had become a Pokemon Guardian!

Want to see more? Then stay tuned for any news on Pokemon Guardians.

Thanks for your time.

WisherWisherWish

Previews go in the Lounge, not in the main forum. I'll move it over for you.

First off, hi and welcome to the PFF&P if you're not familiar with it. I'm guessing you were aiming for Writer's Lounge, but even then, if you're not looking for actual advice, it's best to just actually post the story. We don't really take too kindly to posts that are essentially, "This is an unfinished story that's coming soon STORY AD LULZ GUYS," in part because some people are bitter about story ads that aren't done in the proper places (*motions to the Fanfiction Announcement Thread and other stickies in Writer's Lounge*) and also because what happens if you decide between now and the future that you don't want to post the story after all?

That being said, I highly advise you to get a beta reader. I can see a lot of oddities in capitalization and punctuation. For the sake of ease, I've gone over things the way I handle my betas, by putting my notes and minor corrections in bold, red font and (parentheses). Hopefully, it'll help you see what I mean by getting someone to help you out.

"B...B... (Ellipses are three dots, not one or two. One dot is a period, which marks the end of a sentence. Two is just a typo.)But how do (Don't capitalize in the middle of a sentence unless the word is a proper noun.) I use this?" asked Meadow, holding the Key Tool into the dim light.

"Just hold it up and say, 'Glitch, Mightyena Download,' (Note the corrections in both punctuation and quotation marks. This is a quote within a quote, so you need to punctuate it not only like you would for a regular quote but also with single quotation marks around it, not double. Also, I didn't think you needed more quotation marks around "Mightyena Download," considering it's already part of the incantation.) and you and I (The pronoun I is always capitalized.) shall become one," Mightyena said quietly to her. (Because Mightyena is still speaking, it's not necessary to begin a new paragraph.) "It's the only way to save your friend."

She quickly looked over (No need for commas here.) at Justin (No comma.) being cornered by Porcela, its (It's = contraction for it is. Its = possessive pronoun. Also, avoid using fragments when it comes to descriptions.) shiny, glass claws reaching out in an evil manner.[/B]

"Alright! I'll do it." Meadow nodded. She held the Key Tool high up into the air with a tight grasp.

She took a quick gulp.

"GLITCH, MIGHTYENA DOWNLOAD!" she yelled.

Within seconds, a huge gold light shone out of the Key Tool (If you capitalize it earlier in the fic, you might as well keep capitalizing it for the sake of consistency.), overtaking Meadow. (Because this all describes Meadow's transformation, it's not really necessary to split it up into one-liner paragraphs.) As soon as it came, it disappeared, revealing Meadow in a black, sailor-like outfit with a black collar, boots and skirt. (Because the word "strange" is vague -- as in, what's strange to one person isn't so strange to someone else -- you'll want to avoid it and go for solid descriptions that detail actual images. For example, instead of calling it strange, describe the outfit enough to make us imagine it and decide for ourselves whether or not it's strange.) Long, white gloves wrapped around her elbows. A tiara with a small, round, black jewel appeared on her head. (Again, don't use fragments in descriptions like this. It creates jerky narration, which means the reader feels like they're in a car that stops and starts every five seconds. You want them to have a smooth ride.)

Meadow had become a Pokemon Guardian! (I'd suggest taking this one out altogether. First off, using exclamation points in the narration is a bit taboo because it causes the narration to feel like it's more emotional than it should be. Emotion is conveyed through how things are said, not how things are punctuated. In other words, instead of making the narrator's viewpoint of something explicit by having them get excited, you'll want to have them imply their mood through how they manipulate ambiance.

Also, on top of that, while you probably explain what a Pokémon Guardian is earlier in the fic, saying Meadow just became one is either stating the obvious or telling the reader about something without actually defining what it is. In other words, it's either a "no duh" situation where we can clearly see she became something that might have been explained earlier in the fic or, if you didn't explain what a Pokémon Guardian is, we're left in the dark as to what it might be. In other words, it's just an unnecessary line.)

Click to expand...

In other words, it's a start, and without much of the actual first chapter to go on, I can't really judge too much in the way of whether or not it's a good idea. It's certainly a crossover of things that make me nostalgic, and the concept you provide might either make a Mary Sue or a good story. It's just that you'll probably end up falling short of delivering it without a beta and maybe a good read-through to help you iron out the problems in language. (Language, after all, is incredibly important because you want your readers to be able to focus completely on what you tell them, rather than the distractions of grammatical oddities.)

Description could be improved as well. No fragments and try lengthening actions as well. You describe what things look like without too much trouble, but you don't really describe what's happening. There's a light, but rather than have the active, full-of-rainbows-and-ribbons-and-sparkles sequences of Sailor Moon, you just have it fade away to leave Meadow fully transformed. If you're going for magical girl stuff, you've really got to describe the magic because the sparkles are about 50% of what makes a magical girl series awesome.

Likewise, instead of saying something like "claws are reaching out in an evil manner," try describing what's so evil about it. Again, being vague won't help us. Sure, you might think evil's pretty solid, but really, evil could be anything. Holding a claw in an evil manner could be anything from just having it flip the bird to having it be embedded to the second knuckle in someone's stomach. In order to get us to react emotionally, you'll need to describe as much as possible with words that touch on the five senses instead of relying on things like "evil" or even "beautiful." That way, we see what you mean, and as a result, we cringe.

Long story short, it's an interesting concept, but before you go any further, get in touch with someone to help you out. Also, I hope you spend a lot of time on this to work things out.

Good luck.