Pokemon "Soap Opera" <PG>

Since no one exactly replied to my old fan fic "Legend of Lance" im gonna give up on it, so someone please lock it up, im starting a new one.
*points to title*
this isn't like an american one, it's asian style with the rich, the poor, and the childhood friends... there may be some stuff u don't understand that's in asian soaps so just pm me if you don't get anything.


"I'm goin' to school!" I yelled, my mom was in the shower.
"Okay!" she replied. "Pick up some milk on your way home!"
"Will do." I said dully.
Hi, let me introduce myself.
My name is Tarrat Sparks. I live in Lilycove City, my dad died a long time ago when I was about 4 (I'm 14 right now) and my mom works at the world famous Lilycove Department Store, cosmetics section. I have a girlfriend, Belle. We went through our year long, extracirricular pokemon journey together. We had been friends since our daiper days, but we just recently fell in love. Our parents, more like my mom and her dad (her mom died around the time my dad did), are really happy about it.
"Yo Tarrat!" yelled Rory (my best friend). "I heard you and Belle hooked up! Thass tight, thass tight!"
"Thanks, I guess." I said nervously getting off my trust skateboard, it had proven itself useful on my Pokemon journey.
"Dude, I went with four other dudes." he said glumly. "No girls in sight, yo. 'Cept maybe the gym leaders, but them old yo! 'Ya heard?"
"Yeah, I guess." I said with a smile.
"Well, I gotta bounce: Hoennic Mythologie. Got a field trip to the monument of the Gods. Just wasted an entire day, works for me!" he said skipping.
"Word." I whispered under my breath.
"Uhh... Hi, Tarrat." said a dainty, female voice behind me.
There stood Melanie, the most super fine cheerleader in all the land (or at least county), also captain of the cheer squad and Belle's mentor.
"'Sup" I said, nodding my head. "If it's about Belle, I don't know where she is."
"No, silly." she said entusiastically. "This is about you."
"About me?" I asked.
She pinned me down to my locker, and kissed me.
I turned around and saw Belle, she went off crying.
Here I was, dead man walkin'.

Part 2
Malfunction



"Belle, wait!" I yelled.
"Oh, it's no use Tarrat." said Melanie."You're under spell now, and you're not getting out."
"Back off." I said quickly, pushing her aside.
***********************************************************

"It's ready cap'n." grumbled a team aqua grunt.
"Good, good." said the supervisor, with a malevolent smile."Tell me, where are they? You know, the new... let's call them recruits."
"Them mercenaries are in the training den. You can see them now if you wish." the grunt said motioning towards the hallway.
"Yes, let's" said the supervisor, his smile growing."Oh, and another thing."
"Yes, cap'n?"
"PONG!"
"CRAW."
The grunt lay with a gash on his head, unconscious.
"Don't call me cap'n." he said with a horrific expression on his face.
The chair turned around and their sat, Martin Sparks, Tarrat's brother...



"Belle, BELLE!" I called.
"What's the matter?" asked a female voice from behind.
Tarrat turned around.
"Oh. Hi, Jane." I said.
I met Jane Johanson along my journey with Belle and she came along with us, she had been training with her 4 brothers and father for the Starlite League this year, but convinced her dad that going with us would be just as good a training experience. She recently moved here.
"Well, what's the matter?" she asked.
Jane was a bit taller than me so she seemed to look older and she was (I'm in 10th grade and she's in 11th).
"Uhh... I can't seem to find Belle, Melanie made a move on me and Belle saw. It was totally unintentional on my part, none the less Belle ran off crying." I said with a guilty shrugg.
"Ooh, conflict. You guys always seemed to like each other, I don't see how a girl like Melanie could rip your relationship to shredds. Trust me, I probably know better than you guys how much you like each other, like when you two volunteered to get firewood when we were in Fortree City you really went to go make out, didn't you?" she asked with a smirk.
"Uhhh..." I said nervously.
"Don't worry. I'll help you find her." she said."My next period is lunch and I'm not all that hungry."
"Thanks." I said.
We split up, I went to the cafeteria, Jane went to the girl's bathroom.



"ATTENTION!!!" called out Martin, in an army instructor kind of way.
"When I call out your name, you will state your presence. Is that clear?"
"YES, SIR!"
"Good; Now...Kaori Ureshima."
"Here."
"Michaelangelo Cintas."
"Here."
"Sarah Winston."
"Here."
"Ramon Topaz."
"Here."
"Steven Stone."
"HERE, SIR."






Don't forget to post your comments, i appreciate constructive critisism, but not too much.

'kay?

ok someone just lock this.
no ones replying

It's a cool fic. I like rory. Keep it up.

well at least someone likes it...
i'll continue:

The day went by with little success, Jane found Belle running off home after school, not letting anyone talk to her.

4 Years Later (wow this was unexpected)

Hi, I'm still Tarat Sparks, although now I'm attending LCU (Lilycove City University). Belle and I never got back together, in fact after our Sophomore year in High School she moved off somewhere. We haven't seen her since. Rory is still my classmate (like he ever attends class) and best friend. He got a really cool job as DJ at Club Corsola, one of the best Night Clubs in town. We have all dubbed him the nickname "Mixxy" which he uses as his username on everything.
Jane went to study abroad in Johto, but is visiting. That's why I'm at LCX (Lilycove City International Airport) waiting for her flight to come in. There she was, in her normal extremely cool self.
"Tarrat!" she called."Oh it's so nice to see you again."
"Same here." I replied."Dump any good boyfriends lately?"
"PONG"
I got hit right in the head with her purse.
"If you must know, I have a good relationship going with Falkner, the Violet City Gym Leader." she said ith a huff.
I dropped her bags.
"THE Falkner?" I asked incredulously."He was the gym leader when Ash Ketchum was still a rookie."
"Oh yeah, Ash is doing well, too." she said in a bored way.
<face fault>
"You know Ash too? You've got all the connections." I said, green with envy.
"Which is why you, me, and Rory are going to see the Gym Battle excibition match tonight, LIVE!" she said.
I fainted. That's right, completely KO'ed.

This story is so cool, why'd you want to stop writing. People usually might not want to reply in your fics, but they might actually like it. So keep it up and good job.

All right cool!






I woke up a minute later.
"Tarat, are you okay?" Jane asked.
"Yup, fresh as a daisy." I said, getting up."Well, were you serious...You know, about the exhibition match?"
"Of course, we're going tonight." she said with a smile.
"Cool, let's pick up Mixxy, he's gonna be so surprised!" I said with a grin.
"Great!" she said, as we walked to my car."Say, who's Mixxy?"
"I'll explain..."


"You imbeciles!" shouted Martin."How could you fail to capture a frail old man like Pryce!"
"We're sorry, sir." said one of the grunts."It's just that his ice pokemon were so str-"
"SILENCE! I will make sure all of you'll be punished." Martin decided.
"Sir, noooooooo!!!" said the grunt, being dragged away to an unknown corridor.
"This would be a lot easier if Steven was still on our side, wouldn't it?" said a scientist standing beside Martin.
"Doctor." he said."Shut up!"
"How are we to carry out our plan without Pryce?" Archie asked from above.
"Mr. Archie!" Martin shouted, bowing."I'm sorry, my troops are, but inexperienced drones."
"Don't blame this on your troops, executive. One more slip up and it won't be pretty." he said with a frown.
"Understood, sir." Martin said.
***
I drove us to Club Corsola.
"Wow, this place looks great!" Jane said."Much better than the nightclubs in Johto."
"Yeah and would you belive Rory is the DJ?" I said.
"How'd he get the job?" asked Jane
"My neighbor, Mr. Finn owns the place. He's a really cool guy and I introduced him to Rory."
I pulled into the parking lot.
"Reserved for Tarrat Sparks." Jane read."Whoa, your own parking space!"
"Uh-huh!" I nodded happily.
A big, muscular bodyguard was blocking the way to the door.
"Hi, Jones." I said, waving to the bodyguard.
"Hello, Mr. Sparks." he said opening the door.
The rest of the people in the line (boy was it long, it took up three blocks!) looked at me and Jane in envy.
"I see you have a new girlfriend, Mr. Sparks." Jones said with a smirk.
"Just a friend, Jones." I replied, blushing.
"Right you are." Jones said.
While in the inside you could here music pumping, coctail shows, and people dancing.
"Yo, Tarrat!" called Rory (or Mixxy)."Who's that with you? Hey, isn't that-"
"Hi, Rory." Jane yelled, waving.
Rory came down from the podium, with his Pokemon hip-hop crew (3 Raichus, 1 Electabuzz, and 1 Exploud).
"Hey, whatdya doin' here, Jane?" Rory asked.
"Just visiting. Oh, and we're here to pick you up." she said.
"Why, where are we going." he asked.
"To the Gym Exhibition match!" I blurted out, I couldn't hold my excitement in any longer.
"Whoa, cool. I heard their takin' a person outta the audience to battle one 'o da gym leaders, I'll just go tell Mr. Finn-"
"Actually it isn't a randomly selected person. I pulled some strings and Tarrat's battling." Jane said with a big grin.
"Cool!" Rory and I said synonomously.

oh yeah!




Chapter 4; Tidal Fury




I took all of us in my car, bound for Lilycove Stadium. Normally Lilycove Stadium is used for the Lilycove Loudreds (Baseball Team), but it isn't baseball season so the stadium is used for big pokemon battles such as this...
"Hey, Jane!" Rory called."How'd you get the tickets?"
"Oh, I'm going out with Falkner, he's battling today." she calmly replied.
Rory did a huge face fault.
"Yeah, I was surprised, too." Tarrat replied.
"Oooh! Parking space!" Rory yelled, pointing at the empty lot.
"Whoa what luck!" Tarrat said, smiling.
The gang quickly made it into the stadium, narrowly losing a group of Rory's stalkers.
"It's a pain being famous." Rory said, dusting himself off.
"No, it's a pain being a famous person's friend." Tarrat said jokingly.
"Oh, we've got on field seats, so we're gonna be right where the action is..." Jane said.
"Yes!" Tarrat and Rory yelled together.


"We're coming to you live, from Lilycove Stadium." announce Buck Richard, the PSPN newscaster."The anticipated Gym Challenge 8 is just moments away. Seriously folks, you could cut the tension in here with a knife."
"Look at these buff gym leaders, just waiting to get a piece of their opponents!"
Well that commentary was the people at home, not the ones sitting on the stadium sidelines...
"Whoa, cool!" Rory said as he saw the cheerleaders dancing up and down.
Tarrat and Jane exchanged looks of pure disgust. Rory continued to drool.
"Okay, the first match is about to begin!" Buck announced."Yes, it's Blaine the Seafoam Island Gym Leader versus Chuck the fighting machine representing his Cianwood City gym.

"Okay, one-on-one, no time limit." the ref declared."Let's make this a clean bout. Ready, GO!"
"I choose you, Arcanine." Blaine declared.
"Go, Hitmonlee!" Chuck shouted.
"Hit MON!"
"ROOOOOOOOOAAAAARR"
"Arcanine! Agility into Fire Spin!" Blaine commanded.
"Ha!" Chuck laughed."Rolling Kick!"
Hitmonlee nimbly dodged Arcanine's Fire Spin and thoroughly pummeled it into submission...Or did it?
"Oh, folks! It looks like Arcanine's a fighter!" Buck announced.
"NOW, Overheat!" Blaine commanded.
"ROOOOOOAAARRR!"
A pillar of bright, white flame erupted out of Arcanine's jaw and hit Hitmonlee, right on target. Now it looked like Hitmonlee was badly burned and Arcanine is exhausted.
"Hmph!" Blaine puffed."Arcanine, you know what to do. Extremespeed!"
Suddenly it seemed as though Arcanine disappeared then reappeared on the other side of Hitmonlee. The strike along with burn damage was more than enough to get rid of Hitmonlee.
"Hitmonlee is unable to battle." the ref declared."Arcanine is the victor!"
"Good job." Blaine said holding out his hand, Chuch shook it.
"Now what good sports, folks! Let's give 'em a hand!" Buck said.
The crowd roared with applause while Blaine and Chuck waved to the crowd.
"Now the second match: Pryce of icy Mahogany Town versus Misty, the wet wonder." Buck declared."Wait! What's this?"
Some people dressed like sailors with blue bandannas dropped down to the stadium.
"We've come for Pryce." the leader said, holding a bomb."We're the only one's who can disarm this bomb so unless he comes, we all blow sky high!"
Screams of panic could be heard from the crowd, but none were as surprised as Tarrat. For his brother, Martin stood before him. Dressed in blue, holding a bomb.
"We must fight them!" Falkner declared.
"Yes, you're right!" Rudy agreed.
"Go, Pidgeot!" shouted Falkner.
"Go, Starmie!" Rudy commanded.
Soon the other gym leaders caught on, but there stood Tarrat. Staring blankly at the terrorist that was his brother...

<to be continued>

Well, that was certainly an interesting story. I can definitley tell you that you've improved significantly from your first chapter, but there is still some work you could do. Primarily on description.

You've gotten dialogue down fairly well, but thats almost all that your story is composed of. This story would be greatly enhanced if you worked on description. Think about sights, sounds, tastes, and feelings of your characters. Write about them, and your world will become that more real.

Your actions could also use a little work. When you say they turn or they walk, where do they turn and walked to, and how did they do it? An example could be used is 'walked,' there are many ways a person could 'walk.' A person could saunter, glide, trounce, charge, creep, tip-toe, plod, waddle, stomp, barrel, and various other ways that can be more descriptive than speech to convey emotion.

One smaller thing, whenever you have a new paragraph, space it out so it could be read easier. There aren't any tabs on vBulletin, so you'd need to do the next best thing. Remember, that means that every time a new person speaks you'll need a new paragraph. ^_~

I know that this probably seems like a lot, but your story would get tons better if you keep these things in mind.

LUCK GOOD~ ^_^

Hmm... interesting fan-fic indeed ^^, the storyline is pretty good, and the characters are great, but if you spaced out the lines now and then, it might be easier to read. But keep at it, this fan-fic looks like it might have promise.