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No Whole Reflection

Daydream

Daydream

[b]Boo.[/b]
702
Posts
14
Years

    • No Whole Reflection

    And I'm scared,
    If I just let you see me,
    That you'll know who I really am.
    But for once,
    I would just like to be me,
    My total self, no image or sham.

    I'm in pieces,
    But none of them lying,
    Yet no whole reflection of the man.
    Maybe one day,
    In arms I'll be crying,
    But being whole, just because I can.

    ---​

    I've been writing more poetry lately and "No Whole Reflection" was a spur of the moment kind of on-my-mind-based thing, meaning it might not 'flow' all that well. But I want it more to be about a stream of thoughts and feelings, over something precisely crafted.

    But maybe it does need some tweaking, I'm not sure. I'm quite proud of it, though.
     
    Squirrel

    Squirrel

    9,535
    Posts
    12
    Years
    • Age 29
    • Seen May 11, 2023
    Daydream said:

    No Whole Reflection

    And I'm scared,
    If I just let you see me,
    That you'll know who I really am.
    But for once,
    I would just like to be me,
    My total self, no image or sham.

    I'm in pieces,
    But none of them lying,
    Yet no whole reflection of the man.
    Maybe one day,
    In arms I'll be crying,
    But being whole, just because I can.

    ---​
    Click to expand...

    First off, great poem here, it's so emotive and deep whilst managing to be kind and empathetic at the same time. I love the use of "and" as the first word here; usually it'd be unwelcome as an initial term but here it very much makes the reader feel like they're deep in the mind of the writer, feeling exactly what you're feeling and thinking all of your thoughts at the second you're writing them down. I also like the ABCDBC rhyming scheme you've used here, its an usual approach in my mind but I feel that you've really done a great job of creating your own unique writing style here. At points some of the English doesn't seem to make too much sense to me, but it could just be how I'm reading it. For example with "but none of them lying, yet no whole reflection of the man", I think that either "but" or "yet" should be replaced for a new word as the two contradict each other as a term of importance in a single sentence. Overall, I absolutely loved this work and it's a shame that I can't find any more of your's around the site! If you produce anything else, make sure to let me know! ^^
     

    Palladium

    2012 FTW!
    270
    Posts
    12
    Years
    • I really liked the poem, very deep and all, but some lines caught my attention, for example you start the poem with "And", when it implies addition and must come with a previous sentence, some like this style though, so I'm not going very deep here. I liked the rhyming scheme too. And that's it, there isn't much to work on as the poem is great as it is.
     
    Zeffy

    Zeffy

    g'day
    6,402
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Feb 7, 2024
    This is a clever, creative, and eye-catching poem. Although the second stanza didn't really make much of a sense to me, but aahh, that's poems. I have yet to look beyond the literal meaning of that second stanza, maybe that's why.

    The poem itself is simple, yet dramatic to read. No confusing words that I would need an old dictionary to be able to understand. Like others have said, I also like the way you started the poem with "and". It seemed uninviting at first but along the way, it became creative.

    Kudos to you.
     
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