[Pokémon] Lurking in the Shadows: Lisa's Ultimate Challenge (PG/PG-13)

Elite Overlord LeSabre™ · Nov 17, 2007

Yes, folks, coming from that other well-known Pokemon fanfiction forum is the latest revision of my fanfic (version 3.0) If you are new to this work, do NOT read it on that other forum unless you like major spoilers. I am posting it here for two reasons: One, I am hoping to get some readers who expressed interest in reading it but cringed at the thought of reading 30+ chapters elsewhere. Second, I have made some improvements to my early chapters, so this version should be the highest quality one to date!

Disclaimers:

I do not own Pokemon. All Pokemon names and related likenesses are copyright Nintendo/Game Freak.
I do not own Target Stores, Quality Inns, Hess service stations, or Wendy's Restaurants (or similar entities). All other trademarks are properties of their trademark owners. This includes all automobiles, hotel chains, restaurants, gas stations, retail stores, and the like.
Any included song lyrics are identified in the "Cultural References" section.
Original Characters (including but not limited to Lisa Northwood, the Gym Leaders, original villains) are owned by me.
Any resemblance to actual or fictional persons, whether by name or description, is purely coincidental, Pokemon characters and those noted in "Cultural References" excepted.

About Reviews: I would appreciate constructive criticism that I can actually use to improve my story. I am a college graduate student and therefore there is absolutely no reason for me to make stupid grammar mistakes, so feel free to jump all over me if you spot one :) I'm also a math oriented person, not literature-oriented, so there may be a lack of emotion on the parts of the Pokemon. Please share any advice to help me overcome this. Thanks, and enjoy the show!

Contents:
Prologue (scroll down)

Prologue
South of the Orre region is the region known as Fourtix. Except for the dormant volcano to the north and a secluded underwater cavern off the southeastern coast, the temperatures in the region usually remain pretty constant. A large mountain range separates the region into a western and eastern part, with the eastern region being decidedly larger. Most of the region consists of grasslands, forest, or water. Most of the routes connecting cities are still dirt paths, though some are paved. Many businesses, including those that cater to travelers, have set up shop in Fourtix's cities and on its busier routes. It is here, in this otherwise unassuming area of the world, that a new threat is waiting for its chance to strike.

In the southwest part of the region sits a quaint town known as Fort Barnes. Though the old fort for which the town is named is long gone, the town has a new claim to fame- a research-only facility affiliated with Fourtix University, whose main campus is in Bluefield City to the north.
********

During one summer night in Fort Barnes, all was calm and quiet- perhaps too quiet. All of the lights in town - even the streetlights, as part of the town's "green" initiative - were shut off save one - one located deep within the town's massive research facility. Under the single fluorescent light unit, the head researcher, Dr. Amy Sequoia, was working on a top-secret project. Already an accomplished researcher at the age of twenty-two, she would occasionally stop to run her hands through her jet-black hair. A white lab coat rested on her tall frame, concealing a brown turtleneck and black Capri pants. She was completely preoccupied with the research project on her computer, her tired, dry eyes completely focused on the flickering screen in front of her. The room itself was mostly a collection of bookshelves filled with technical journals, as well as numerous computers.

Soon another set of lights appeared in the town - but these belonged to a vehicle. A Ford Club Wagon, colored black with a red pinstripe, pulled up outside the lab's front door. Shutting off the massive machine's engine, a team of operatives exited the van. Two of the agents walked up to the entrance, turned around, and addressed the remaining dozen infiltrators. The larger of the two spoke first, only loud enough so that the entire group could hear.

"We will split up into two teams as discussed at headquarters. Alpha team, follow me. Beta team, follow him," he ordered as he handed one of two papers to the other man. "Both of us have the floorplan and details of every security measure within this lab, so stay close so nobody triggers an alarm."

The other commander took out a small object from his pocket. A bright red laser emerged from the device's tip as the agent aimed it at the crack between the entrance's double doors. Upon breaking the lock, the team made their way inside the lab.

"Here is where we split up. I shall be contacting you when we are ready to move out. Let us proceed."

Once both teams had left the lobby, a tiny figure made its way, sight unseen, across the tiled floor of the lobby and out of the door.

Without making a noise the "Alpha" team made their way down the lab's darkened corridors until they found the private work room, concealed within the twisting hallways of the research facility. Several figures crept silently behind Dr. Sequoia and then one of them put her in a headlock. The young woman gasped as she was pulled backwards by the man's hand. Dr. Sequoia attempted to scream, but one of the intruders took out a handgun, a clear warning for her to shut up.

Before she knew it, she was staring at a team of high-tech spies. Clad entirely in black except for red "T" logos emblazoned on their headgear, she could not determine their identity. The leader released a vicious black four legged Pokémon, with an orange snout and curved white horns, who snarled at the professor. Despite the darkness, drool was visibly dripping off the creature's razor-sharp fangs, its demonic pointed tail wagged back and forth in a very violent manner. The professor's heartbeat began to accelerate as she was quivering. "What's going on? Who are these people?"

"We have come for some vital research as well as the Pokémon currently housed in this facility. I strongly recommend you do nothing to resist. We will not hesitate to eliminate you in short order," the commander threatened in a deep, mechanically altered voice.

"Houndoom, if she has any Pokémon here for protection, sniff them out!" The canine - like creature did as instructed and began scouring the room.

The professor was gasping for breath until the knee of one of the agents met her abdomen. Writhing in pain, she bit her lip to keep from screaming out. Three of the men tied her up with some jumper cables and put duct tape over her mouth. One of the shorter agents ran over to the computer and began to furiously type on the keyboard.

"Don't tell me they're after - THAT research..." she thought to herself as she fell to the floor.

After a few moments, the agent at the computer ran back to her leader. "Boss! Big problem! The research ain't here!"

The black Pokémon also came walking up to the leader.

"Any Pokémon?" The dog shook its head.

"Damn! We'll have to cut our losses," the man replied as a bright red light engulfed the Pokémon as it disappeared from view. "Pick her up and drag her to the lobby," the leader ordered. "Make her deactivate security as well!" Pulling out a two-way radio, he then said, "We're moving out. Meet us in the lobby."

"You heard the boss. Where's the switch to shut off the security system?"

After flipping a switch on the wall using her head, Dr. Sequoia was forced to accompany the team to the lobby of the lab, with the leader still holding the barrel of his gun to her back. There, the group was able to rendezvous with the other infiltration team.

"We didn't find any Pokémon and we scoured this entire damn place!" reported the other group's leader.

"If there are any Pokémon here, point them out, now!"

"Looks like I don't have any choice!" She motioned with her body toward a large black metal desk in the back of the lobby. The leader ran over to it, opened a drawer, and shoved about a dozen red and white spheres into a bag. "There must be more here! Tear this room apart until we find them!"

"Look at this! What are these people doing to my lab? What do they want?"

His subordinates did as they were ordered. They knocked over desks, threw furniture across the room, and tore through carefully sorted forms and books. This was one time where the soundproof walls of the lab worked against it. Finding nothing, and seeing that the sun was just starting to show its face, the leader called out, "Blast! For a Pokémon Lab, this place is seriously lacking in the Pokémon department. Return to base!"

He threw the young researcher into a closet at the end of a nearby hallway. Slamming the door shut, the commander was ready to head out, but he noticed the victim hitting the door and letting out muffled screams.

"Shut up in there!" he ordered, cocking his gun so that the professor could hear. "I don't want to have to resort to murder, but if you force my hand..."

He led his team out to their vehicle. The operatives piled into the large fifteen-passenger van before it sped off.

"Meow?" A tiny figure, still obscured by the darkness, made its way through the glass doors and into the building. Seconds later, a strong gust of wind blew both doors shut.

Inside the closet, Dr. Sequoia heard the screeching tires as the vehicle left the town. The woman was still unwilling to make any move. "I hope someone finds me soon..." was her last thought before she collapsed out of exhaustion.

In a large two-story ranch-style house in town, a teenage girl was just getting up out of her bed, unaware of what had happened just a half mile down the road.

*******
There's the prologue! Don't expect updates too often, though... but let me know what you think so far!

Umbreon Ruler · Nov 17, 2007

One, I am hoping to get some readers who expressed interest in reading it but cringed at the thought of reading 30+ chapters elsewhere.

THANK YOU!!! TBH, progress on the other site was going rather slow, and this makes it much easier. None of this chapter is technically new to me, but I'll review anyway!

First off, the story seemed a little rushed. Maybe a little more description (For instance, the lab room that Professor Sequoia was working in) could've been added to beef it up a bit. It was pretty short, so that's the only mistake there was really, and it's not even a mistake, I suppose...

Description of the people were good and I like that you've created your own region which is diverse and makes for a good setting. :) There really isn't much else to say, since like I said this was pretty short, so I'll end this mini review with a quote:

For a Pokémon Lab, this place is seriously lacking in the Pokémon department.

Lol

Elite Overlord LeSabre™ · Nov 18, 2007

Umbreon Ruler said:
First off, the story seemed a little rushed. Maybe a little more description (For instance, the lab room that Professor Sequoia was working in) could've been added to beef it up a bit.

Would you accept the excuse, "It was dark?" No, that doesn't fly? Well, jeez, I'm not getting off to a good start with my revisions:(

For these revised chapters, I'm still trying to find that sweet spot between not enough description and purple prose, so please bear with me. Alternatively, if anyone wants to look my first ten chapters or so over before I post 'em, be my guest :)

Umbreon Ruler said:
It was pretty short, so that's the only mistake there was really, and it's not even a mistake, I suppose...

Well, it is a prologue...

Umbreon Ruler said:
Description of the people were good and I like that you've created your own region which is diverse and makes for a good setting. :)

Thanks! At least I managed to do something right!

Astinus · Nov 18, 2007

I love the ending line. It just grabbed me.

(And, okay, I cheated and looked at the other two editions of this. Might I say that you definitely improved from the first edition posted? Boss job there! ^^ *hands over can of tuna*)

Meh, but what's a review that you can learn from without some nitpick, neh? See, if you want to create tension in this prologue to really grab the reader in, you should show how Prof. Sequoia feels as the mysterious strangers break into her lab. How does she feel when the mysterious stranger fires the gun? Does she fear for her life? Make the professor come more alive in this, to make the reader feel for her and to be sucked into the story.

I can't wait to see the first chapter. Glad that you decided to post this from the beginning, so I can review each individual chapter. But yes, the lack of description about how Prof. Sequoia feels is my only complaint about this chapter.

Elite Overlord LeSabre™ · Nov 19, 2007

Hanako Tabris said:
I love the ending line. It just grabbed me.

(And, okay, I cheated and looked at the other two editions of this. Might I say that you definitely improved from the first edition posted? Boss job there! ^^ *hands over can of tuna*)

Oh, noez! Not THE first edition with minimum 3-page chapters, cheap as heck description, and updates every three days! I KNEW I should have had it deleted instead of merely closed- and I'm still shocked that Yami/Renegade didn't come my way during all that time :o

Hanako Tabris said:
Meh, but what's a review that you can learn from without some nitpick, neh?

Well, of course! Without it, I'd still be writing that God-awful first edition:)

Hanako Tabris said:
See, if you want to create tension in this prologue to really grab the reader in, you should show how Prof. Sequoia feels as the mysterious strangers break into her lab. How does she feel when the mysterious stranger fires the gun? Does she fear for her life? Make the professor come more alive in this, to make the reader feel for her and to be sucked into the story.

Very funny and ironic that you bring this up now. For most of my fic, I've been writing in third person LIMITED omniscient, with the thoughts limited to Lisa's (and to a much lesser extent, a character who has not been introduced yet) which would dictate that the character does not delve into the professor's thoughts. However, in the latest chapter at the other forum, I tried going into the thoughts of a secondary character, and a reviewer there immediately picked up my inconsistency there. So, now I'm at a crossroads... Should I keep having the narrator only dictate Lisa's thoughts, or should I expand their scope for this re-write?

Looking back, I should have put in some physical indicators of her fear (trembling, sweating, shaking, etc.) *kicks self*

Hanako Tabris said:
I can't wait to see the first chapter. Glad that you decided to post this from the beginning, so I can review each individual chapter. But yes, the lack of description about how Prof. Sequoia feels is my only complaint about this chapter.

I'll actually probably combine two or three chapters for it in addition to the revisions, just so its length is consistent with the later chapters. Of course this throws my whole chapter numbering out the window, but meh...

Thanks for reviewing! Now I know another reason why I decided to re-post here!
*waits for others who told me over PM they were coming to review*

Astinus · Nov 19, 2007

About your crossroads, I'll see if I can help. *holds map upside down*

I find that there are times when I feel more comfortable writing the thoughts of a certain character. Like in the fic that I'm writing now for NaNo, there are only three characters that I like writing as out of the cast of seven. The three characters are the ones that get my focus, with their thoughts and physical reactions to situations. The others only get their physical reactions shown, in either body movements or dialog.

I know of other writers who do the same thing. They pick only certain characters to use as the "story-tellers" to show the reader what's going on through their eyes. I think only once I read a book where each character had their thoughts written out depending on the scene, but I could tell that the writers had their favorite characters to write as because the words didn't read in a forced manner.

Since you feel comfortable writing about Lisa, focus on her. For the other characters, since you have the third-person limited, you should just use physical indicators of their emotions. So yes, you should kick yourself. XD Sequoia didn't really seem to show any reaction to the break-in. At least have her eyes widen at the appearance of the gun.

Hope this helps out some more. I'll see if I can give you a better review for chapter one.

Bay · Nov 20, 2007

Hey, DP! Sorry this review is short...pretty much everyone else said what I was thinking and also I got class in a few minutes! =O

Anyways, would agree with Hanako that physical indicators for Sequoia (since you said this story will be in Lisa's point of view). At first, you did with her screaming, but then just go through with the actions.

I actually like the description of the beginning of the prologue and the tone you used to describe the setting of the region. It wasn't too much that you described how every city the region has, but wasn't too little that I can't picture what kind of things the region has.

So far this grabbed my attention. Again, sorry for the short review. Hope to do Chapter One better! ^^

Gummy · Nov 20, 2007

First off, I haven't read any of your other reviews, so sorry if I repeat some stuff.

Okay, on to the story: I love fics that start off with the bad guys, as it makes plot very easy to understand. Description of the region was masterfullly done, as was the Houndoom description. However, I did feel the whole thing was a little rushed but I can't exactly pin-point why. Maybe it was that everything happened so fast? Ah, whatever- I'm almost positive you get much better along the way. Plus, it is just a Prologue.

In a large two-story ranch-style house in town, a teenage girl was just getting up out of her bed, unaware of what had happened just a half mile down the road.

Whether or not you were trying to be funny, I lol'd at that. I guess it was the sudden, out of the blue, change in mood.

And yeah... I'm not good at this review thing when there aren't any mistakes, so too bad for me and kudos to you! Be back when Chapter One comes around.

purple_drake · Nov 21, 2007

Hello! *waves* I don't know if you know me or not, but I've decided to make an effort to be more active in reviewing, and your fic keeps on catching my eye, except on SPPf it's so long already that I've been put off. ^.^;;

Now that you're starting it here, though, I have the chance to take a look. ^^

Now, I'm not usually one for reading fics with fan-created regions in them (which is hypocritical of me, seeing as how I'm planning a fic with a fan-created region in it…) but so far what you've said about yours is interesting and it's obvious you've thought about it a lot. I like the fact that the lab in Fort Barnes is affiliated with the University, whereas the labs mentioned in canon seem to be privately owned ones; I can imagine that students would be grateful for the chance to help out or observe for study purposes. Such a fantastic opportunity! ^^ I wanna study there!

*cough* Anyway, on to the nitpicks. :) Sorry!

A couple of people have mentioned the thing about Sequoia's lack of reaction to her situation, so I won't go into it—just that I agree with them. ;)

The other thing that really jumped out at me, though, was the characterisation of the covert operatives. You introduce them as being highly skilled and experienced individuals—which they'd obviously have to be, to get into a highly secure lab—but when we actually see them properly they act more like random, petty burglars.

Such as here:

"We have come to seize every single Pokémon in this facility. You do not dare try to defy us. Hahahahahahaha…"

Cue the cheesy lines and cliché villainous laugh. :P Aside from the fact that putting the laugh in speech marks like that makes it seem kind of… well, cartoonish and not-to-be-taken-seriously, I can't imagine that any trained operative would go around saying lines like that. He's on a time limit; he doesn't know if there's some silent security system that's been triggered, or whether someone might come back and run into them. He's not going to waste time, so he'll get straight to the point and demand where the pokémon are.

And then here:

Dr. Sequoia attempted to scream, but the man directly to the right of the burly commander fired his silencer-equipped weapon at the ceiling, a clear warning for her to shut up.

Even using a silenced weapon, that's a pretty stupid move. For one thing, there's the spent casing which can be picked up and IDed by the police. Two, there's the bullet, which is either A) in the ceiling or B) on the roof if they're on the top storey, or in the room above. Wherever it is, it's still available to for forensics to pick up and ID, which would tell them what kind of gun it is and give them a possible (or even probable, if the man didn't fake his ID during the purchase of the gun) lead.

I would think that just chambering a round and pointing it at her would be a big enough threat and get the point across pretty well; otherwise, it contradicts your representation of them as experienced operatives, because it's taking a risk that any trained operative wouldn't take.

Same goes for the woman screaming her report, the team lead constantly seeming to give his orders in a louder-than-necessary voice (even in a large room, or separating to search the rooms, if they've had any kind of training than they should have radios with them), and the team just generally making a racket as they search the room. It's possible—even logical—to thoroughly search rooms only making a minimal amount of noise; no matter how sound-proofed the lab's walls are, highly-trained agents aren't going to go around making as much noise as they want. Again, it's taking a risk they'd want to avoid, and it would go against their training. Even if these people are sponsored and trained by creeps, being a bad guy doesn't necessarily equal overly destructive tendencies. :P

Also, covert teams would consist of four operatives, whereas you've mentioned at least five—it's a little difficult to tell exactly how many men there are because you've been a bit ambiguous about who's doing what. If you've got two teams, though, then you could have up to eight and the problem's solved, so you can tell me to go stuff it. ;)

As for the weaponry… well, I don't know how detailed you want to get, but considering you've specifically identified the make of the car and the rifle, I get the feeling you like being specific. So I asked my brother what kind of weapons a covert team would usually carry (big mistake! XD Granted, it was interesting, but my head was starting to swirl with trying to remember all those names!) and… well, here's basically what he said:

M16 assault rifles are a no-no. They'd be used for an assault (funnily enough, lol :P ), so for situations where they need a ton of firepower and not worry as much about secrecy, but are too bulky and loud for a covert op.

There would be at least one G36 rifle, with a thermal scope and a stock handle, for longer-range stuff (but not as long-range as a sniper rifle).

There'd be at least one, but probably two, P90s, which are smaller and more compact, enabling greater manoeuvrability.

The fourth member would carry either another G36 or an M4 carbine, similar to a G36 in that it's for long-range things.

In addition, one of them could use an MP5SD, but my brother said they're fading out and a team would be more likely to use a P90 instead.

In all of these cases it depends a little on preference, so you could switch them around depending on your teams' characterisations… although you'd probably have to look up the exact specs of each gun before you decide that. :) Either way, there'd be at least one G36 or M4 and at least one P90 or MP5SD per team.

For sidearms, all of them would carry either a Beretta 9mil or a USP.45. Plus, they would all carry one frag and one flash grenade, and either the man with the MP5SD or one of the ones with a P90 would carry C4. One could possibly be carrying a smoke grenade as well.

In ALL of these cases, the guns are able to be silenced, so they would carry a silencer with them; in the case of the MP5SD, however, it's automatically silenced (which is what the 'SD' stands for) so it wouldn't need to be fitted with a silencer.

Oh yeah, and they'd have night-vision and thermal-vision headgear, lol. ;)

…and yes, it was necessary to add that in. If I had to sit through a fifteen minute lecture on the equipment in a covert op, then so do you. :P

Phew! ^.^;;; Okay, you can probably tell I'm big on research, but whether you end up using this information or not is up to you—I just thought you might appreciate it.

As a final note on the covert ops team—it's in the dead of night and they're being secret, so why are they using a red vehicle? Why not black? Or better yet, camouflaged, if the lab's near a forest? Or one which looks like the kind of van that might come to the lab carrying equipment or whatnot, so if someone happens to see it leaving they wouldn't think too much of it?

…gah, I'm sure there was something else I wanted to mention in relation to the ops team, but I can't remember what it is now…

ANYWAY! Enough with the covert ops team, already, and on to everything else. Don't worry, the really big stuff's past, from here it's all downhill. ;)

The only other plothole-related thing I wanted to mention is… well, why are the pokémon all in a desk in the lobby? If this is a research lab, wouldn't there be a specialised room for the pokéballs, even if it's kind of empty at the moment? Plus, why are they only searching that room and not the rest of the lab? You've already said it's huge, so how do they know there aren't more pokémon somewhere else?

Strategically speaking, the agents would have studied the lab's blueprints beforehand. The team lead would probably send some of his people (in pairs, so they'd all have backup) to the most likely places for pokémon to be while he and his partner (or his full team, perhaps, depending on the layout of the lab and how many people he has to distribute… I'm assuming here that you've got two teams of four, which would make sense considering the size of the lab) go to take the research and get information from Sequoia. Then they can radio the specific locations to the rest of the agents, rather than having to worry about dragging a hostage everywhere and risking her triggering an alarm or something—and since the agents are already in the lab and on their way to probable locations, it would potentially save on time.

…I said that I was finished with the covert ops team, didn't I? Whoops. :P

Okay, this time I really am done, I promise! All that's left of this review are a few oopsies, mostly in terms of language use.

…OH! That's what I was forgetting with the covert ops team! :P It's okay, it's still a language-use nitpick. It's just that, you call them 'thugs' more than once, but the word has a connotation of a ruffian, often someone who uses brute force. In terms of how the agent act, they're acting a lot like thugs—but you've also called them trained operatives, which, as I've already shown you, is in contradiction to the way they're acting. Since it's unlikely that any half-trained thug would make it into a highly secure lab, I would suggest running with the covert ops portrayal, in which case I'd also recommend not using the word 'thug'. :P

Okay, so on to other specific stuff:

South of the Orre region, and separated by an impassable mountain range, in a more temperate climate, is the region known as Fourtix.

This sentence confused me. O.o I didn't know whether you were talking about Fourtix being separated from Orre by the mountain range, or—since you start talking about it a second later—whether you were talking about Fourtix being separated in two by its mountain range. Maybe it's just me, but… yaw. ^.^;;; Maybe a restructure of the sentence?

A large mountain range separates the region into a western and eastern part, with the eastern region being decidedly larger. Only two methods exist for those wishing to pass between the eastern and the western parts. One is a water route to the south, and the other is a large cave bored into a northern mountain. Aside from that, most of the region consists of grasslands, forest, or water.

Again, maybe it's just me, but the fact that you've thrown in the bit about the methods for passing the mountain range seems kind of random. It kind of interrupts the flow of the paragraph—since the next sentence goes back to referring to the mountain range itself, as opposed to methods of crossing it—and you could easily explain that somewhere else in the story, while Lisa is looking at a map, or when the time comes for her to cross the mountain range, or something.

Then, that whole section about the region and Fort Barnes is in present tense, whereas the rest of the prologue is in past… that's not necessarily a mistake, in some ways it makes sense, especially if you want to establish Fourtix as still existing in the present time and this particular event happening sometime in the past, but it did jar me a little and now I can't shake it off. :P So I just thought I'd mention it.

down the lab's darkened corridors until they found the private laboratory, concealed within the twisting hallways of the lab.

Repetition of 'lab', there. ;) I'd suggest a change. Perhaps use 'building' instead of the second one?

Several figures crept silently behind Dr. Sequoia and then one of them, the team commander, put her in a headlock…

I dunno, this sentence just doesn't carry as much weight and suspense as I think it could, especially since you've added in the aside about the team commander. And, quick side note, I'm not sure the team commander would do that himself… he would want to confront Sequoia, see her face to face, to try and coerce her into doing what he wants, and it's a little difficult to do that when he's the one restraining her… plus, if anyone's doing the shutting up it should be at his command, whereas that other dude kind of acts on his own… okay, I'll stop rambling now. ^.^;;;

So, maybe if you refashioned it a little… so rather than just describing what's happening, describe how… uhm, I explain better with examples, so here:

The figures ghosted up behind Dr. Sequoia, shadows rippling over the tiled floor, until one of them reached out and clamped his gloved hand over her mouth, pulling her back against him with a jerk and a stifled yelp of surprise from the scientist.

I know I took out the bit about the team lead, but I don't think he'd be the one restraining her and it kind of interrupted the flow of the sentence; it would probably be more appropriate for the team lead to be identified when he starts speaking, or through the way the others defer to him.

Despite the darkness, drool was visibly dripping off the creature's razor-sharp fangs. The lanky creature's demonic pointed tail wagged back and forth in a very violent manner. The rest of the agents had M-16 assault rifles pointed at her. In a deep, mechanically altered voice, the commander spoke.

This paragraph is just… really choppy. It's the short sentences; it stops and starts and jars the reader out of the story. Well, it did me, anyway. I think you could combine the sentence about the houndoom into one, and you could easily expand the sentence about the team by describing Sequoia's reaction or their uniform or something… and I think the description about the team lead's voice might be better after he speaks… for instance…:

"Where are the pokémon?" one of the black-clad men asked in a deep voice, mechanically twisted and distorted into something which sounded barely human.

…okay, that may be a little over the top, but I couldn't resist. :D

As another side note, it might work better if the team lead released the pokémon as a threat tactic… that way it would remove the problem of that guy firing his gun at the ceiling… of course, the guy holding her would still have a gun to her head, but a creepy devil-dog would be an added threat. :P

Plus, you kind of forget about the houndoom in the rest of the prologue… he's released but he doesn't do anything, and then you don't even describe the team lead returning him or what happens or anything… he just disappears. So you could even take him out entirely, since he doesn't really add anything to the story.

"Blast! For a Pokémon Lab, this place is seriously lacking in the Pokémon department. Return to camp!"

The word 'camp' here seemed incongruous. :P I mean, this is a high-tech society, so why does he sound like the leader of a band of bandits raiding a wagon? The word 'base' would probably be better.

One final thing, which is really nitpicky, but it's also a pet peeve and I'm running out of things to critique (which is good! Honest!):

the town has a new claim to fame- a research-only facility affiliated with Fourtix University,

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a hyphen pretending to be a dash. You'd be amazed (or not) at how often that happens; not many people think about dashes and hyphens, but apparently seeing random grammatical errors everywhere is the terminal disease of editing students, because I just can't stop! :P

Since it's difficult to explain, I'm just going to quote what I said in another review and hope it makes as much sense to you as it did to that author:

A dash should either look like this: – and have spaces on either side of it, or look like this: — which usually doesn't have any spaces on either side of it but is accepted if it does. The first one can be made by writing a word, followed by a space, then a hyphen, then another space and another word, and when you press space after the second word MSW will automatically change it to a dash for you. To make the other one there are no spaces in-between the words and the hyphens, and you need two hyphens in a row. So this is what it would look like before you space after the second word: hello--goodbye

And… uhm, I think I'm done. ^.^;;; Sorry I got kind of carried away talking about the covert ops team… I find that stuff really interesting, myself, so… yeah. ^.^;;; Good luck for the rest of the story, and with luck I'll be back to take a look at the first chapter.

Elite Overlord LeSabre™ · Nov 22, 2007

Bay said:
I actually like the description of the beginning of the prologue and the tone you used to describe the setting of the region. It wasn't too much that you described how every city the region has, but wasn't too little that I can't picture what kind of things the region has.

My region actually started out as a failed forum-based Pokemon RPG (but it lived for a year!) made back in 2005. I've had the idea for the region already in my mind when I started writing my fic.

Glajummy said:
I love fics that start off with the bad guys, as it makes plot very easy to understand. Description of the region was masterfullly done, as was the Houndoom description. However, I did feel the whole thing was a little rushed but I can't exactly pin-point why. Maybe it was that everything happened so fast?

In a large two-story ranch-style house in town, a teenage girl was just getting up out of her bed, unaware of what had happened just a half mile down the road.

Click to expand...

Whether or not you were trying to be funny, I lol'd at that. I guess it was the sudden, out of the blue, change in mood.

The invasion did happen fast, didn't it? I guess all I can say is that the team knew they were on a limited schedule. Oh, and that I seriously skimped on the prof's reaction:( And about the last sentence- It's kinda a bridge to the next chapter where the main character (surprise, surprise, her name's Lisa!) is introduced.

@purple_drake: Unfortunately, I can't provide an explanation for some of the things you pointed out (namely the leader's cliched lines, the deal about searching for Pokemon in the lab, and the leader's referral to the "camp") without spoiling some plot points in chapters in the near future. Hopefully once the "leader" makes his reappearance, it'll explain most of this.

As for the choppy and confusing sentences... It's weird, but they never look that bad until someone points them out :o Then when someone does, it's like, "Holy cow, that does sound confusing!" I'll try to keep a look out for that in the future (particularly the whole subject confusion and short, choppy sentences thing) but I may not catch it all, which hopefully my reviewers can jump all over me and show me the errors of my ways:)

Well, thanks for reading and reviewing everyone (and purple_drake, your review is of the type I'm DYING to see on Serebii...), and Happy Thanksgiving!

Elite Overlord LeSabre™ · Nov 24, 2007

Finally the official first chapter is up! Please enjoy!

A/N: Yeah, corny chapter name, but it has to do with the song Lisa sings in the chapter, which is, coincidentally, "At the Beginning" by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis. Those who are following this on Sppf know that that song will play a HUGE role much later in the fic, but don't spoil it;)

Let's start, shall we?

Chapter 1: At the Beginning

As the sun rose over the sleepy town, a girl was already awake, sitting at a desk in her room. The girl had one of her textbooks on her desk, as well as a legal pad and a TI-89 calculator. She was not particularly tall and was of a medium build. She had styled her long brown hair fairly quickly, letting two locks drape down over her shoulders while the rest of the hair hung down in back. She had taken no time to apply makeup or anything of the sort; she had more important matters to attend to. Adjusting a pair of reading glasses, she began to bury her face in a book entitled, "Number Theory Algorithms, Theorems, and Conjectures."

Her room was adorned in pink, but was strangely devoid of dolls, boy-band posters, or anything of that nature. On one wall was a poster with the first million digits of pi. On the opposite wall she had hung the periodic table, overlooking a brown bench with several test tubes, beakers, and a Bunsen burner. She had three computers- a Windows laptop, a Mac desktop, and a second desktop running Linux. A rack of servers rested in a "sunroom" addition to her room. On her bookshelf stood an eclectic mix of high level math books, car shop manuals, and Quality Inn hotel directories, the oldest dating to 1955. A small TV and VCR rested next to the bookshelf, with a Nintendo GameCube sitting on top of the VCR.

Still wearing her pink nightgown, she mulled over a question printed in her book, playing with a pencil in her right hand while her chin rested on her left one. "Hmmmm… If I take the third derivative of the beta function and substitute sufficiently large primes for x and y…"

"Lisa!" a voice called out. The girl turned around to find her father, a man in his early forties with dark brown hair and a light beard, standing at her door. "Lisa, you know your mother and I have to take this job in Spartanburg, which is why we decided that it's time for you to start training Pokémon. You passed the trainer qualifying exam four years ago, but then you decided to go to college back home. Don't know why you took the test if you were just gonna head back to South Carolina, but, whatever."

The man shrugged. "Anyway, we've been back here since May, and all you've been doing since then is studying your math. Don't you think it's time? I mean, you're fifteen now. Most other trainers your age already have four years of experience under their belts. And remember that Professor Sequoia at the lab did send those postcards to you, asking you to come by her lab and choose a Pokémon for yourself. You go to visit her lab on a regular basis; I would have thought you would have done this on your own."

Lisa ran her hand through her long brown hair. "I suppose so, maybe it would be good if I got out of the house for awhile," she lied. "Of course I realize I'm older than the others! Man, there's a REASON I haven't taken a Pokémon yet! Oh well, as my old professor said, just nod and agree, and hopefully they'll get off your case." Instead of voicing her protest, she simply mumbled, "After all, this is like the seventy-fourth postcard she sent me, and most of them were forwarded to South Carolina over the past four years. Okay, I guess it's finally time to respond to her. Just as long as I get the keys to the Caprice," she said, referring to her car, a 1989 Chevy Caprice Classic in mint condition, which had been her parents' car previously. "There's no way I'm leaving this house unless I'm behind the wheel…"

"Um, Lisa, when most people start out Pokémon training, they proceed by foot."

"Please tell me this is some sort of bad joke…" Unfortunately, she knew better. Her father wore that look… His unblinking stare, slight frown, and arms folded across his chest told Lisa that his word was final and there would be no negotiations. The girl still couldn't believe her ears, though. "On foot?! Are you serious?" Jumping up from her chair in a flash, she almost tripped over the legs of the seat. Lisa ran over to her closet and opened it up with a loud slam. Motioning toward the small collection of shoes on the floor, he exclaimed, "I only have one pair of shoes that aren't heels, and those happen to be ballet flats! I can't possibly walk all that way in heels!"

The teenager looked up at her father, lower lip quivering, but the man firmly stood his ground. "You are leaving today, and that is final. And, honey, we bought you a pair of sneakers…"

"No! Ain't gonna happen! Me wearing sneakers is madness!" Angrily, Lisa shouted, "Dad, I told you, I never wear sneakers. Tomboys do that, and I do not want to be lumped into that category. I'll take my chances with the heels."

"Fine," her father replied as he left the room. "Wear what you want, I'm just trying to make it a little easier on you… Jeez, Lisa, will you ever change?"

The girl's mind began to wander as she set herself on the bed. Thoughts of her past life came rushing in like a hurricane. "I still don't see why they couldn't have taken me back to South Carolina with them… I mean, let me stay at our place in Anderson! At least there I can walk to Applebee's or any number of stores and restaurants on Clemson Boulevard when I need a meal. Plus, I'd be near my college, where I can check up on everyone that I graduated with. My sister is still back home, living with Grandma. I don't see why Mom and Dad didn't simply transfer her to schools here, yet they made ME move with them…"

"Lisa!" her father admonished. "Are you getting packed or are you daydreaming again?! Get down here or we'll drag you to the professor's place! If your mother and I miss this flight…"

"Sorry, I'll get on it right now!" Lisa started packing about five of her favorite outfits into vacuum-sealed bags and placing them into her dark purple backpack. "I love these awesome bags!" Lisa had been using them for years. She appreciated that with them, she could carry a whole suitcase's worth of clothes in something that was much smaller and easier for her to handle.

In a smaller yellow handbag she placed her cell phone, PDA, and TI-89 calculator, as well as her wallet, keys, and several small books. She then put on her favorite outfit. This consisted of a knee-length blue dress with a purple and green floral print. Over this she put on a light green cardigan. She also put on white stockings and a pair of black open-toe dress shoes. To complete her look, she also put on a white wide-brimmed hat with purple ribbon trim. "Well, with my cutest outfit on, it looks like I'm all set to go. We'll see how this turns out… Not that I'm expecting too terribly much…"

The girl sighed. "This is ridiculous… I might be fifteen, but I'm a college grad and the owner of a math tutoring businesses. I shouldn't be made to do something like this… And they expect eleven year olds to do this stuff? Is this government out of its freaking mind? Oh, whatever... Better make this call, then."

"Hello? Is this Miss Laura Hess? Yes, this is Lisa Northwood… I need to ask you a favor. I'm going to be on leave for an undetermined amount of time, so I need you and the other tutors to cover for me while I'm gone… I'm sorry, but my parents are making me do something where I won't be able to take calls… Listen, if any really difficult questions come up, just give me a call and I'll try to answer as fast as I can… Okay, thank you. And also, if by mid-February I'm not back, I need you to send me an electronic copy of our firm's financial records so I can file our tax returns. Thanks again, and hopefully I'll be back as soon as I can!"

"Lisa Kimberly Lynn Northwood! Downstairs, NOW!"

"Okay, I'm coming!"

Hanging up the phone, the girl grabbed both bags and made her way down the carpeted stairs. "Well, it's about time," scolded Lisa's mother, a blond-haired woman who was rather tall, once her daughter had walked into the kitchen. "Since you've spent so much time just fooling around, you'll have to have this granola bar and this bottle of cranberry juice for your breakfast," the mother told Lisa, motioning to the food sitting on the kitchen's granite countertop.

"Okay, Lisa," her father spoke up, "I know I've been a little pushy this morning, but I feel that this Pokémon journey is something you need to do. It seems hard, I know, but in the end I think it'll make you a better person and teach you many lessons."

"But, Dad, that's what I went to college for!"

"Lisa, I'm talking about life lessons – the things they can't teach you in a classroom. Honestly, it's time to set the algebra and calculus aside and step out of your comfort zone…"

The girl sulked. "But I like my comfort zone! It's so comfortable!"

The man gave his daughter a disapproving frown. Lisa grew silent. She knew better than to interrupt people, especially her own parents. Heaving out a sigh, he continued, "And that's the problem. You've never really challenged yourself before. Well, that changes today! You do understand that we both love you, and only want to do what's best for you. And right now, we think that training Pokémon would help you grow as a person."

Lisa relented. She knew her father was right. "All right, I see your point. I suppose if it's for the best…"

Her mother then said, "Now, we were going to give you some money to get you started, but considering you'll still be earning money from your tutoring company, as well as the standard Pokémon League trainer stipend, you should be fine money-wise – even if you were to spend every night at the Ritz."

"Yeah, thanks anyway, Mom."

"Well, I think we'll be heading off now. Good luck on your journey, honey, and be sure to call us every now and then!"

"But not too often," added Lisa's father. "No, all kidding aside, I do hope that you get something out of this."

Lisa received hugs from both of her parents before they headed to the door. Turning around one last time, her mother added, "Good luck, and don't forget we love you!"

"Love you too, bye!" Lisa waved back. Picking up her breakfast, she then made her way toward the door, thinking, "Well, here goes nothing… I hope you two are right…"

The girl activated the house's high-tech security system. "Ain't nobody gonna be stealing my car or my computers while I'm out doing this…" she mumbled to herself. Receiving three electronic chirps from the white control panel, Lisa locked the door to her house and set off toward the laboratory. As she stepped off the porch, she received a final wave from her parents as they backed out of the driveway in their brand-new Mercury Grand Marquis. The gleaming four-door sedan then drove off, headed north and to the region's only international airport. Soon enough, the black full-size car had disappeared over the horizon.

"Suppose it's too late to turn back now. Fine, let's get this over with…"

En route to the lab, the girl was walking down a red brick walkway, passing a number of two-story houses and their well-manicured front lawns. Having not even walked a mile, Lisa's feet were already beginning to hurt. "This Pokémon training stuff had better be worth it," she muttered under her breath. The way to the laboratory was fairly direct, as there was only one main road through town.

Finally, the two-story lab came into view. It was a rather bland building, with a beige stucco façade and no ornamentation whatsoever - just a huge tan block with the occasional window. When Lisa finally arrived at the lab, she knocked but got no response. Then she noticed that the large glass doors were ajar, and she entered.

Upon entering the lobby, confusion and fear gripped the girl, as her face was frozen in a wide-eyed stare. "Wha… what happened here?! This place looks like a disaster area! I hope the professor and Meowth are all right…"

She saw the lab in complete disarray. Shelves were broken, tables were overturned, and papers were strewn all over the white tile floor. The teen looked around, her eyes wide open in shock as she observed the damage around her. "Who would do something like this? And worse, what if they're still here?"

Then Lisa heard muffled screaming coming from a back room. She ran back there and found Dr. Sequoia tied up and gagged. "Dr. Sequoia, is that you? Geez, what happened here?!" Lisa exclaimed.

The tied-up researcher was startled awake by Lisa's outburst. Not immediately recognizing the voice, she began to curl up, not knowing who was in the lab. "Did those invaders come back to finish the job?" The door opened, and Dr. Sequoia was prepared to accept her fate.

However, instead of an armed intruder, she was met with the face of a fifteen-year-old who was familiar to her. Breathing a sigh of relief, she said, "Wait… You're Lisa Northwood, aren't you?" Lisa nodded.

Once Lisa had freed her, the professor began to explain what had transpired. "Last night, I had been up late working on a project when these thugs in black somehow got in the lab and took me hostage. They were after something on my computer, and ended up ransacking a good part of the lab looking for Pokémon as well. I know that some of them were stolen." The young researcher was out of breath after her explanation. Sweat was dripping down her forehead and her knees were shaking.

"You need to calm yourself," Lisa advised. "Can I get you a glass of juice or something?"

"Yes, please…"

Lisa walked over to a refrigerator and poured some orange juice into a nearby glass. The researcher took the glass and began to drink. After finishing her juice, she had a calmer demeanor, no longer quivering or sweating. "Well, I'm feeling a little better now… Long time, no see. Are you here to ask about my research? You know, of everyone in town, you seem to be the only one who understands half of it."

Lisa let out a small laugh and rubbed the back of her head. "Well, you know, we brainiacs have to stick together, ya know? Actually, I'm here about getting my first Pokémon. My folks are saying I need to do something besides college for a change."

Dr. Sequoia was taken aback. "This girl has been receiving notices to claim a starter Pokémon for five years and chooses today, of all days, to finally take one?" But the professor, remaining the consummate professional, simply replied, "After seventy-nine replies you decided to take me up on my offer? Unfortunately, you picked the worst time to do so. I'm sorry, but because of the incident last night I don't have any Pokémon to hand out…"

"Oh, that's a shame…" Lisa interrupted nonchalantly before she was cut off.

"Meowth meow meow meowth…"

A tiny cat with light tan fur and a gold charm on its forehead emerged from under a stack of papers and went over to Lisa and looked at her, shaking its whiskers intently. It then used its huge brown feet to jump up into Lisa's arms and smiled with its huge eyes, looking up adoringly at the teenage genius. This Meowth had a red bow on its head.

"Well, hi there! It has been almost a month since I last visited, hasn't it? Oh, I hope you weren't too scared by what happened here!"

"It seems that this little Meowth managed to avoid being taken by those thugs. I know it isn't the typical Pokémon I give out to new trainers, but would you be willing to take this Meowth and train her well? I guess from all those times you've visited me to check up on my research, she's already taken a shine to you."

"Um… okay. Aww, there you are, you cutie!" Lisa started to rub the Meowth lightly behind its ear. Meowth began to purr contently. The girl and the Pokémon had indeed developed a rapport during the time that Lisa had lived in Fort Barnes, though none of their interactions had revolved around battling.

Professor Sequoia left the room then returned with a differently colored Pokéball and a small device. "When I caught this Meowth, I used this Luxury Ball, but sometimes I noticed she likes to walk outside of it. Still, I better give you this in case something happens and you need to call her back into the ball," she said, giving Lisa the black capturing sphere and a small data cartridge.

"Also, here is an upgrade for your PDA that contains a Pokédex function. It was actually developed by your father's company. Use it to gather data on any Pokémon you meet. Oh, and here are a few additional Pokéballs. You passed the trainer qualifying exam, so you should still remember how to use these." She then handed the girl five red and white balls.

"Well, I think you better be on your way before those thugs return. I wish you the best of luck on your adventure! I'll call the police and have them investigate the matter. Don't worry! I'll be fine! Just be careful out there!"

"Thanks, professor!" Lisa and her new Meowth both waved back before taking the route out of town.

"Well, Meowth and I do go back a ways… maybe this journey won't be so bad after all… besides, there IS supposed to be a nice Comfort Inn two towns ahead, so at least I'll get a decent room…"

As they walked out of town, Lisa started to sing quietly, which seemed to relax her Meowth.

"We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming what
We'd have to go through

Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you."

"You know, it's really weird. I mean, I don't think I sound bad singing like this, but for some reason, everyone at those college karaoke parties couldn't stand my voice! I got booed right off the stage each time! Maybe I just have a thing for these love songs, I don't know…"

Lisa took one last look at Fort Barnes. This wasn't her permanent home, but for a small town it wasn't too bad. Lisa noticed a sign that read "Route 501: To Chromo Town."

"Chromo Town. I guess that's our next destination. Well, we might as well get started." She thought to herself, "I really hope I'm not getting myself in too deep… but at least I have a familiar partner by my side…"

"Meowth meow meow!"

The pair had just reached the grassy field just to the north of town. With the lab and residences of Fort Barnes plainly in view, Lisa abruptly stopped and Meowth walked face-first into her trainer's legs.

"Oops, sorry for not warning you that I was gonna stop!"

Lisa plugged the upgrade chip into her PDA, then decided to try it out on her new Pokémon. She aimed the device at Meowth then hit "Info." The machine beeped and an image and text appeared. A pleasant female voice started up as well. "Meowth, the Scratch Cat Pokémon. Meowth is a nocturnal Pokémon that loves to wander the city streets at night and collect shiny objects like coins."

"Guess we better start working on your attacks… Let's start by giving that bush over there a Scratch."

The small cat extended her long, pointed claws then delivered a single swipe at the small hedge, causing some of its foliage to come loose. "Good job!" she complimented. Lisa started to feel a breeze and noticed a large green leaf float by. "Okay, Meowth, let's try moving targets this time! Scratch the leaf!"

Meowth's first attempt missed, but the cat concentrated its focus on the floating green object before leaping at it with her claws at the ready. This time, the kitten was dead-on and sliced the leaf in two. "Excellent work! Now let's try multiple Scratches! Target that bush again!" This time Lisa observed as Meowth made five quick swipes at the plant.

"Good job! Okay, now go after that leaf!" she directed while pointing at another floating green object in the sky. The feline jumped up at it, her claws ready.
********

On a four-lane highway, a black Mercury Grand Marquis was making its way north. Inside the sedan, a woman in the passenger seat turned to her husband. "Douglas, you know, Lisa really didn't want to leave home. Are you sure we shouldn't have just taken her with us?"

"You know, Brooke, it was tempting, but honestly, that girl hasn't seen a challenge in her life. She breezed through school and college, she's earning a five-figure income, and basically she's had everything handed to her. She has no idea of what the real world is like. She hasn't had to scratch and claw her way to success like we had to. I figured that Pokémon training was something that would test her physically as well as force her to realize there's more to life than being sheltered and spoiled."

"I suppose you do have a point there, but I'm just worried it might be a bit too dangerous for her, if you know what I mean."

Keeping both hands firmly on the steering wheel, Douglas answered, "True, but the League lets kids younger than her journey into the world, so it can't be that dangerous. Besides, there's something about Lisa… once she gets into Pokémon training, I'm sure she'll try her hardest to excel. She's always wanted to be the best at whatever she tried to do, and while this is a bit different, soon she'll realize it's another challenge to conquer."

Resting her hand on her door's armrest, Brooke looked forward again. "True, I mean, that's what drove my brother to Pokémon training success all those years back. Perhaps that desire for success is something that runs in the family."
********

"Okay! That's good for now!" the teenaged trainer called out to her tiny cat Pokémon. "I sorta lost track of time there, but I think we should get going here. After all, I don't need environmentalists coming after us for destroying the plant life here."

Meowth nodded and, after swiping at a tree trunk one last time, she ran over to Lisa.

"Maybe I should give you a nickname, Meowth. How about, 'Quadratic Formula'?"

Meowth scowled at her trainer, apparently not accepting the name.

Lisa continued to suggest nicknames. "3.14159? Pythagorean Theorem? SOHCAHTOA? Isosceles Triangle? System of Equations? What, you don't like ANY of them?!"

Meowth had rejected every one of her proposed nicknames, each time sticking her tongue out at her shocked trainer. Dejected, Lisa finally mumbled, "Fine, I'll just call you Meowth for the time being. Man, I never was any good at nicknames!"

Meowth seemed to agree to this plan, as it was painfully obvious that any nickname suggested by Lisa would be nerdy in a mathematical way.

"Okay, Meowth, I suppose it's time we got going." The pair then proceeded to walk down the grassy path, which was overgrown and filled with weeds and small shrubs.

royalprophecies · Nov 24, 2007

I love it so far. Really good.

Haruka of Hoenn · Nov 24, 2007

(I never got to review your first chapter on SPPF, but here's my chance! :))

Her room was adorned in pink, but was strangely devoid of dolls, boy-band posters, or anything of that nature. On one wall was a poster with the first million digits of pi. On the opposite wall she had hung the periodic table, overlooking a brown bench with several test tubes, beakers, and a Bunsen burner. She had three computers- a Windows laptop, a Mac desktop, and a second desktop running Linux. A rack of servers rested in a "sunroom" addition to her room. On her bookshelf stood an eclectic mix of high level math books, car shop manuals, and Quality Inn hotel directories, the oldest dating to 1955. A small TV and VCR rested next to the bookshelf, with a Nintendo GameCube sitting on top of the VCR.

I actually wouldn't mind switching rooms with her! Oh, and I also like how you made Lisa like math and be smart, without losing her 'girly' characteristics! It makes her a truly unique character.

Finally, the two-story lab came into view. It was a rather bland building, with a beige stucco façade and no ornamentation whatsoever - just a huge tan block with the occasional window.

Nice description! The building sounds kinda plain but it is a lab, after all...

After all, this is like the seventy-fourth postcard she sent me, and half of them were forwarded to my college address while I was attending.

Seventy-fourth? And to think, most people would have given up after five years... Dr. Sequoia must really want Lisa to become a trainer for some reason!

Wow, the suspense really is starting to build in this chapter since the prologue! I'll definitely be around to review the second one!

Astinus · Nov 24, 2007

royalprophecies, there needs to be more substance to your review. Tell DP479 why you like the story. Don't just say you like it. Add on more to it with the why. Otherwise, your posts will be counted as spam. Just letting you know.

And, ah, DP479, I'll review when I have more time. Still have three more pages to type of an essay. xP

royalprophecies · Nov 24, 2007

Alright, I'll post more.

"Guess we better start working on your attacks… Let's start by giving that bush over there a Scratch."

The small cat extended its long, pointed claws then delivered a single swipe at the small hedge, causing some of its foliage to come loose. "Good job!" she complimented. Lisa started to feel a breeze and noticed a large green leaf float by. "Okay, Meowth, let's try moving targets this time! Scratch the leaf!"

Meowth's first attempt missed, but the cat concentrated its focus on the floating green object before leaping at it with its claws at the ready. This time, the kitten was dead-on and sliced the leaf in two. "Excellent work! Now let's try multiple Scratches! Target that bush again!" This time Lisa observed as Meowth made five quick swipes at the plant. Just then her PDA began to beep. "Meowth has learned Fury Swipes."

I'm not trying to tell you what to do with the story, but Meowths don't learn Fury Swipes that fast, but otherwise nice detail.

Lisa continued to suggest nicknames. "3.14159? Pythagorean Theorem? SOHCAHTOA? Isosceles Triangle? System of Equations? What, you don't like ANY of them?!"

Haha. She must really like math or equations or something. :)

From the Prolgue:

Before she knew it, she was staring at a team of high-tech spies. Clad entirely in black except for red "T" logos emblazoned on their headgear, she could not determine their identity. The leader released a vicious black four legged Pokémon, with an orange snout and curved white horns, who snarled at the professor. Despite the darkness, drool was visibly dripping off the creature's razor-sharp fangs. The lanky creature's demonic pointed tail wagged back and forth in a very violent manner. The rest of the agents had M-16 assault rifles pointed at her. In a deep, mechanically altered voice, the commander spoke. "We have come to seize every single Pokémon in this facility. You do not dare try to defy us. Hahahahahahaha…"

Is that Pokemon a .... Houndoom? I love that Pokemon, plus I love the use of describing it.

After flipping a switch on the wall using her head, Dr. Sequoia directed the team to the lobby of the lab. There, she motioned with her body toward a large black metal desk in the back of the lobby. The leader ran over to it, opened a drawer, and shoved about a dozen red and white spheres into a bag. "There must be more here! Tear this room apart until we find them!"

His subordinates did as they were ordered. They shoved over desks, threw furniture across the room, and tore through carefully sorted forms and books. This was one time where the soundproof walls of the lab worked against it. Finding nothing, and seeing that the sun was just starting to show its face, the leader called out, "Blast! For a Pokémon Lab, this place is seriously lacking in the Pokémon department. Return to camp!"

Wow, only fifteen? If I was a professor, then I'll have over fifty, but otherwise, nice. :)

Bay · Nov 24, 2007

It is off to a slow start, but first chapters always does. XD So far I'm liking Lisa's character. I agree with Haruka that Lisa's character is unique. She's smart but girly! XD Also, even though I thought you described Lisa's room a tad bit too much, it's not really a big deal. I actually liked how you not only describe the objects but that those objects in the room represent her personality. ;)

"Sorry, I'll get on it right now!" Lisa started packing about five of her favorite outfits into vacuum-sealed bags and placing them into her dark purple backpack. "I love these vacuum-sealed bags! They let me carry a whole suitcase's worth of clothes in something I can easily fit on my back!"

Haha, those vacuum bags look cool! Would love to get it one day! XD

In a smaller yellow handbag she placed her cell phone, PDA, and TI-89 calculator, as well as her wallet, keys, and several small books. She then put on her favorite outfit. This consisted of a cute blue dress with a pretty purple and green floral print. Over this she put on a light green cardigan. She also put on white stockings and a pair of black open-toe dress shoes. To complete her look, she also put on a cute white wide-brimmed hat with purple ribbon trim. "Well, looks like I'm all set to go. We'll see how this turns out…"

This is one of my pet peeves, but for some reason I really don't like it when the narrator says the adjectives like "cute" and "ugly", unless the story is in first person point of view. In my opinion, it would be better if we know that her dress and hat is cute in Lisa's mind. I don't know, but it gives me the impression of an inexperienced writer wanting to tell us, "Oh, my main character is cute, beautiful, and perfect!" I am not saying that you are one of the inexperienced writers. In fact, I think you are one of the better ones in this forum (and on Serebii) and I applaud you for trying to make this story the best you want it to be. Just saying to be more careful with the adjectives you used when you are describing a person and his/her things, clothes, pets, etc. Meh, this is just my two cents. ^^

Lisa continued to suggest nicknames. "3.14159? Pythagorean Theorem? SOHCAHTOA? Isosceles Triangle? System of Equations? What, you don't like ANY of them?!"

OH MY GOSH. I seriously love that part! I may be a math geek like Lisa, but I won't THINK of naming my pets after mathematical terms! XD

Well, so far so good. Again slow but I am sure things will pick up. Can't wait for the next chapter (and hope I will review it on time if school doesn't get me!)

Duncan McNeil · Nov 24, 2007

I'm finally here. Yeah, I reviewed this a few months ago on the big green lagger, but all those chapters intimidated me...

I had written up a nice, long review of the prologue, but purple_drake beat me to it. Seriously, she said everything I was going to say and more. So I'll just say that I agree with her on everything and move on to a less picked over chapter.

This is pretty good right now, but the thing that I don't like is the description. Like here:

En route to the lab, Lisa's feet were already beginning to hurt. "This Pokémon training stuff had better be worth it," she muttered under her breath.

The thing is, this wouldn't have been bad if you just cut off right before here and got rid of this entirely. I don't mind new regions, but when you do make a fic in one you have to be careful. For example, let's say you have a fic based in Hoenn. You can get by (barely) with less description, simply because almost everyone knows what Hoenn looks like. But when you create a region, you lose all of that knowledge. Now that's not nessecarily a bad thing, but you need a lot of extra description. Describe the heck out of it. Are there interesting landmarks? Is there anything at all that is unique? Things like that are extremely important. I understand that this was written a while ago, so as long as the new chapters have good description then you're good.

Her room was adorned in pink, but was strangely devoid of dolls, boy-band posters, or anything of that nature. On one wall was a poster with the first million digits of pi. On the opposite wall she had hung the periodic table, overlooking a brown bench with several test tubes, beakers, and a Bunsen burner. She had three computers- a Windows laptop, a Mac desktop, and a second desktop running Linux. A rack of servers rested in a "sunroom" addition to her room. On her bookshelf stood an eclectic mix of high level math books, car shop manuals, and Quality Inn hotel directories, the oldest dating to 1955. A small TV and VCR rested next to the bookshelf, with a Nintendo GameCube sitting on top of the VCR.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I love this room! Come on, that's just awesome.

Lisa ran her hand through her long brown hair. "I suppose so, maybe it would be good if I got out of the house for awhile. After all, this is like the seventy-fourth postcard she sent me, and half of them were forwarded to my college address while I was attending. Okay, I guess it's finally time to respond to her. Just as long as I get the keys to the Fifth Ave," she said, referring to her car, a 1989 Chrysler Fifth Avenue in perfect condition, with a beautiful dark burgundy finish and elegant red velvet interior.

A couple things here. One, this just doesn't seem realistic to me. She obviously doesn't want to go and they've had this conversation before. Adding what she was thinking would be very helpful here.

Two, I've got to say if I had two successful businesses I'd have better cars than an old Fifth Avenue and a Corsica. Not all that important, but come on! Together those two are worth what? A couple thousand bucks? Yeah, I'm into cars... :)

"On foot?! Are you serious?" Lisa ran over to her closet and opened it up. "I only have one pair of shoes that aren't heels, and those happen to be ballet flts! I can't possibly walk all that way in heels!"

This is truly scary. DP479 made...a typo! *the world starts to shake* The Apocolypse is coming! XD

After a couple quick phone calls, Lisa would make her way to Dr. Sequoia in the laboratory to obtain her starter Pokémon. The girl headed downstairs to see that her parents had already taken off toward the airport. She only found a note that read:

Here is a case of telling us what happened. Show what happens instead. True, it might be stupid or boring, but you did this a couple of times. It's not that bad or anything, but it would be nice to know what happens. Yeah...

Hanging up the phone, the girl sighed. "This is ridiculous… I might be only fifteen, but I'm a college grad and the owner of two businesses. I should be mature enough to stay at home. Oh, well, I'll never understand parents… Better make this second call, then."

Huh? She's fifteen? I know it's not the case, but this really makes Lisa look like a Sue. I know that she's not, but how many fifteen year olds have already graduated college, owns two businesses and two cars? Another thing is how can she drive? It seems like she has been driving for a while (to me, at least) and she's only fifteen. I don't know how well it would be to have people that age (and almost certainly younger) driving. A nit-pick, but whatever.

I apologize for the negative review, but I want to tell you that this is pretty good. Adding to the fact that this is 30-something chapters old, I'm quite sure that you've improved. Yeah, I suppose that's all. Just work more on your description and you should be good. Whew.

Astinus · Nov 25, 2007

royalprophecies, that's the type of review I'm talking about! ^^

DP, here's my review.

She was not particularly tall, but fairly attractive; however "cute" would describe her better than "beautiful."

Agreement with Bay about this. Everyone has their own definition of what is "cute" or "beautiful". (Trust me. I know. XD) Find a better way to describe Lisa as not being a perky cheerleader-esque girl and more of a plain...nerd. :<

"Lisa, you know your mother and I have to take this job in Spartanburg, which is why we decided that it's time you to start training Pokémon.

Missing a "for" between "time" and "you".

The girl's mind bean to wander as she set herself on the bed.

"Mind bean"... I'm sure you mean "began".

After a couple quick phone calls, Lisa would make her way to Dr. Sequoia in the laboratory to obtain her starter Pokémon.

For some reason, the "would" here bothers me. I try to replace it with "started to" to get rid of the passive voice. Just as a word of general advice: If you want action, use the active voice with active words. It just sounds better. (That's what I've learned. You don't have to follow that advice.)

oh, well, gotta keep the family business running, I suppose…"

"Oh" should be capitalized since it's the beginning of the sentence. The space after the ellipses shows it to be a stand-alone sentence.

"Ain't nobody gonna be stealing my car or my computers while I'm out doing this…" she mumbled to herself.

"Mumbling" implies to me that she says this out loud, so I don't know why you italicized it as a thought line. Sure, it's her thoughts, but she's saying them out loud like regular dialog.

En route to the lab, Lisa's feet were already beginning to hurt. "This Pokémon training stuff had better be worth it," she muttered under her breath.

But, what does the route to the lab look like? Is she in a rural setting, where she has to walk in her heels through the dirt? Or is she in a suburban setting, where she's kicking up the asphalt? Some description of the scenery would be nice.

"Oh, that's a shame…" Lisa interrupted nonchalantly before she herself was cut off.

Eh, don't need the "herself" in this sentence. It makes no sense to me.

It then used its brown webbed feet to jump up into Lisa's arms and smiled with its huge eyes, looking up adoringly at the stunned teenage genius.

"webbed"? o.O Like...a frog's? That's the image in my mind. So I'm not sure if that's the best word choice to use, but if that's what you want to say...

In the beginning, Lisa does start off as a near-perfect character. Yes, she can't sing at karaoke parties (who can?) but with her graduating from college, running two businesses, driving, and... I'm just repeating what Duncan said, huh? Plus, you spent a lot of time showing how different she is from other people by describing her room. Eh, it might be a cop-out, showing that early on and that swiftly how different she is instead of just taking your time. But I'm not really the best one to look to on this.

I had hoped that one thing you would have done with this reposting is edit in some of Lisa's feelings. I mean, how does she feel being forced out into the world of Pokemon? She just seems to readily accept this change so soon after finding out her parents are leaving. I figured that since it's Lisa (whom I know from later chapters) that she would be a bit more stubborn.

o.o I have no idea if I just posted a spoiler or not.

I think I'm done now with this review for chapter one. I never got a chance to review this chapter, since you were already up to chapter six by the time I arrived in your thread. So I'm going over this with a fine-tooth comb. ^^

See you next chapter.

Elite Overlord LeSabre™ · Nov 25, 2007

WOW! A whole lot of reviews in just one day! And these are way better than 2/3 of my Sppf ones:)

Haruka of Hoenn said:
(I never got to review your first chapter on SPPF, but here's my chance! :))

Yay! This is how Lisa (and I as a writer) got our start!

Haruka of Hoenn said:
Her room was adorned in pink, but was strangely devoid of dolls, boy-band posters, or anything of that nature. On one wall was a poster with the first million digits of pi. On the opposite wall she had hung the periodic table, overlooking a brown bench with several test tubes, beakers, and a Bunsen burner. She had three computers- a Windows laptop, a Mac desktop, and a second desktop running Linux. A rack of servers rested in a "sunroom" addition to her room. On her bookshelf stood an eclectic mix of high level math books, car shop manuals, and Quality Inn hotel directories, the oldest dating to 1955. A small TV and VCR rested next to the bookshelf, with a Nintendo GameCube sitting on top of the VCR.

Click to expand...

I actually wouldn't mind switching rooms with her! Oh, and I also like how you made Lisa like math and be smart, without losing her 'girly' characteristics! It makes her a truly unique character.

Bay said:
It is off to a slow start, but first chapters always does. XD So far I'm liking Lisa's character. I agree with Haruka that Lisa's character is unique. She's smart but girly! XD Also, even though I thought you described Lisa's room a tad bit too much, it's not really a big deal. I actually liked how you not only describe the objects but that those objects in the room represent her personality. ;)

Duncan McNeil said:
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I love this room! Come on, that's just awesome.

Showing and not telling gone too far?:o Yep, her room shows her personality, and also what she's leaving behind when she embarks on this journey. Glad you liked the description of Lisa's room/home office/chemistry lab/study:) It's not your typical room 'cause Lisa's not your typical trainer:)

Haruka of Hoenn said:
After all, this is like the seventy-fourth postcard she sent me, and half of them were forwarded to my college address while I was attending.

Click to expand...

Seventy-fourth? And to think, most people would have given up after five years... Dr. Sequoia must really want Lisa to become a trainer for some reason!

Perhaps the prof sees something in Lisa:)

royalprophecies said:
I'm not trying to tell you what to do with the story, but Meowths don't learn Fury Swipes that fast, but otherwise nice detail.

I just figured that if it can learn cratch, then doing the move several times in a row isn't much harder... And on that subject, how is a "Slash" different from a "Scratch?" Is it executed faster? Do the claws dig deeper into the opponent? No, that advice was quite helpful:)

royalprophecies said:
Lisa continued to suggest nicknames. "3.14159? Pythagorean Theorem? SOHCAHTOA? Isosceles Triangle? System of Equations? What, you don't like ANY of them?!"

Click to expand...

Haha. She must really like math or equations or something. :)

Bay said:
OH MY GOSH. I seriously love that part! I may be a math geek like Lisa, but I won't THINK of naming my pets after mathematical terms! XD

I said before that Lisa sucks at nicknaming Pokemon- and my ingame Flygon is named, "Dr.Calculus" XD It's what happens when you're uber obsessed with something :)

royalprophecies said:
From the Prolgue:

Before she knew it, she was staring at a team of high-tech spies. Clad entirely in black except for red "T" logos emblazoned on their headgear, she could not determine their identity. The leader released a vicious black four legged Pokémon, with an orange snout and curved white horns, who snarled at the professor. Despite the darkness, drool was visibly dripping off the creature's razor-sharp fangs. The lanky creature's demonic pointed tail wagged back and forth in a very violent manner. The rest of the agents had M-16 assault rifles pointed at her. In a deep, mechanically altered voice, the commander spoke. "We have come to seize every single Pokémon in this facility. You do not dare try to defy us. Hahahahahahaha…"

Click to expand...

Is that Pokemon a .... Houndoom? I love that Pokemon, plus I love the use of describing it.

Yep, it is:) I suppose I described it well enough, that I don't have to mention the species name in order for readers to recognize it.

royalprophecies said:
After flipping a switch on the wall using her head, Dr. Sequoia directed the team to the lobby of the lab. There, she motioned with her body toward a large black metal desk in the back of the lobby. The leader ran over to it, opened a drawer, and shoved about a dozen red and white spheres into a bag. "There must be more here! Tear this room apart until we find them!"

His subordinates did as they were ordered. They shoved over desks, threw furniture across the room, and tore through carefully sorted forms and books. This was one time where the soundproof walls of the lab worked against it. Finding nothing, and seeing that the sun was just starting to show its face, the leader called out, "Blast! For a Pokémon Lab, this place is seriously lacking in the Pokémon department. Return to camp!"

Click to expand...

Wow, only fifteen? If I was a professor, then I'll have over fifty, but otherwise, nice. :)

Well, it is explained later why this is the case- but this lab and the ones in the anime are different in purpose...

Bay said:
Haha, those vacuum bags look cool! Would love to get it one day! XD

I think "SpaceBag" is the name brand for one type of those bags. Advertised all the time on late night TV.

Bay said:
This is one of my pet peeves, but for some reason I really don't like it when the narrator says the adjectives like "cute" and "ugly", unless the story is in first person point of view. In my opinion, it would be better if we know that her dress and hat is cute in Lisa's mind.

Hanako Tabris said:
Agreement with Bay about this. Everyone has their own definition of what is "cute" or "beautiful". (Trust me. I know. XD) Find a better way to describe Lisa as not being a perky cheerleader-esque girl and more of a plain...nerd. :<

You know, nobody's ever brought that up before... but I suppose keeping the narrator objective and not biased is important... I'll try to remember, but I'm only human...

Duncan McNeil said:
This is pretty good right now, but the thing that I don't like is the description. Like here:

En route to the lab, Lisa's feet were already beginning to hurt. "This Pokémon training stuff had better be worth it," she muttered under her breath.

Click to expand...

The thing is, this wouldn't have been bad if you just cut off right before here and got rid of this entirely. I don't mind new regions, but when you do make a fic in one you have to be careful. For example, let's say you have a fic based in Hoenn. You can get by (barely) with less description, simply because almost everyone knows what Hoenn looks like. But when you create a region, you lose all of that knowledge. Now that's not nessecarily a bad thing, but you need a lot of extra description. Describe the heck out of it. Are there interesting landmarks? Is there anything at all that is unique? Things like that are extremely important. I understand that this was written a while ago, so as long as the new chapters have good description then you're good.

True but three things:
1) Some landmarks would be HUGE spoilers
2) Some of the unique points about the region:

Most of the routes connecting cities are still dirt paths, though some are paved. Many businesses, including those that cater to travelers, have set up shop in Fourtix's cities and on its busier routes.

This will become more clear when the freeways, Wal-Marts, TGI Fridays', and Quality Inns start showing up:)
3) Your quote has nothing to do with the region description, just that Lisa's feet are in pain :o

Duncan McNeil said:
A couple things here. One, this just doesn't seem realistic to me. She obviously doesn't want to go and they've had this conversation before. Adding what she was thinking would be very helpful here.

Two, I've got to say if I had two successful businesses I'd have better cars than an old Fifth Avenue and a Corsica. Not all that important, but come on! Together those two are worth what? A couple thousand bucks? Yeah, I'm into cars... :)

Hanako Tabris said:
I had hoped that one thing you would have done with this reposting is edit in some of Lisa's feelings. I mean, how does she feel being forced out into the world of Pokemon? She just seems to readily accept this change so soon after finding out her parents are leaving. I figured that since it's Lisa (whom I know from later chapters) that she would be a bit more stubborn.

1) You're right on the adding thoughts, but this time her parents aren't giving her the choice- they're MAKING her leave and do this... I thought I did add more of her thoughts this time around... guess not enough of them, huh? :(
2) Not Corsica- Caprice Classic. There's a world of difference:) And her choices are based on personal preference- she's really into the older American boats. When she starts driving for real, she'll probably get something like a brand-new Town Car, but she's old-school:)

Duncan McNeil said:
This is truly scary. DP479 made...a typo! *the world starts to shake* The Apocolypse is coming! XD

Hanako Tabris said:
Missing a "for" between "time" and "you".

"Mind bean"... I'm sure you mean "began".

OHNOEZ THE FIC IS GONNA GET CLOSED AND IMMA GET 2,743 INFRACTION POINTS FOR IT!!!
Funny thing is, those were some of those last minute changes I decided to make... Oh, and make sure y'all take your mind beans this morning XD

Duncan McNeil said:
After a couple quick phone calls, Lisa would make her way to Dr. Sequoia in the laboratory to obtain her starter Pokémon. The girl headed downstairs to see that her parents had already taken off toward the airport. She only found a note that read:

Click to expand...

Here is a case of telling us what happened. Show what happens instead. True, it might be stupid or boring, but you did this a couple of times. It's not that bad or anything, but it would be nice to know what happens. Yeah...

Hanako Tabris said:
For some reason, the "would" here bothers me. I try to replace it with "started to" to get rid of the passive voice. Just as a word of general advice: If you want action, use the active voice with active words. It just sounds better. (That's what I've learned. You don't have to follow that advice.)

Actually, the "would" was intended to indicate that at this point, she had not made the calls yet but was intending to do so... And I do have those calls in the chapter, just a bit later

phone call #1 said:
"Hello? Is this Miss Laura Hess? Yes, this is Lisa Northwood… I need to ask you a favor. I'm going to be on leave for an undetermined amount of time...

phone call #2 said:
Dialing another number, the girl spoke, "I need to speak with Luis McClaine. Yes, Luis, this is Lisa. Listen, I need to take an extended leave of absence...

Believe me, there was a LOT more telling before I went in and made my edits.

Duncan McNeil said:
Huh? She's fifteen? I know it's not the case, but this really makes Lisa look like a Sue. I know that she's not, but how many fifteen year olds have already graduated college, owns two businesses and two cars? Another thing is how can she drive? It seems like she has been driving for a while (to me, at least) and she's only fifteen. I don't know how well it would be to have people that age (and almost certainly younger) driving. A nit-pick, but whatever.

Hanako Tabris said:
In the beginning, Lisa does start off as a near-perfect character. Yes, she can't sing at karaoke parties (who can?) but with her graduating from college, running two businesses, driving, and... I'm just repeating what Duncan said, huh? Plus, you spent a lot of time showing how different she is from other people by describing her room. Eh, it might be a cop-out, showing that early on and that swiftly how different she is instead of just taking your time. But I'm not really the best one to look to on this.

Right now, she's more of a car "collector." She has driven a bit for practice, but not on the congested mess that is South Carolina's Interstate 85. And Lisa does seem like a Sue- but if you stick with it, I do show how Lisa's well-to-do upbringing does put her at a disadvantage as far as the journeying is concerned... just think "rich spoiled kid sent out to the real world."

Duncan McNeil said:
I apologize for the negative review, but I want to tell you that this is pretty good. Adding to the fact that this is 30-something chapters old, I'm quite sure that you've improved. Yeah, I suppose that's all. Just work more on your description and you should be good. Whew.

No, a negative review is something like, "YOU SUCK YOU ****ING N00B GET YOUR *** OUT OF THE FANFIC AREA AND NEVER POST **** LIKE THIS AGAIN!!!" Your review was quite helpful, and let's face it, it never hurts anyone to get tips on how to improve;)

Hanako Tabris said:
"Oh" should be capitalized since it's the beginning of the sentence. The space after the ellipses shows it to be a stand-alone sentence.

It does? Never heard that rule *goes to look up in grammar guide book* I've just customarily put spaces after ellipses because it looks cleaner.

Hanako Tabris said:
"Mumbling" implies to me that she says this out loud, so I don't know why you italicized it as a thought line. Sure, it's her thoughts, but she's saying them out loud like regular dialog.

I probably intended it to be just Lisa's thoughts, but like a noob I used the wrong speaker tag...

Hanako Tabris said:
But, what does the route to the lab look like? Is she in a rural setting, where she has to walk in her heels through the dirt? Or is she in a suburban setting, where she's kicking up the asphalt? Some description of the scenery would be nice.

Dangit! I KNEW I forgot something...

Hanako Tabris said:
"webbed"? o.O Like...a frog's? That's the image in my mind. So I'm not sure if that's the best word choice to use, but if that's what you want to say...

Yeah, it's the way I picture those large, wide, three toed feet:)

Haruka of Hoenn said:
Wow, the suspense really is starting to build in this chapter since the prologue! I'll definitely be around to review the second one!

Glad you liked it! And things do pick up next chapter, both plot wise and action wise!

Bay said:
Well, so far so good. Again slow but I am sure things will pick up. Can't wait for the next chapter (and hope I will review it on time if school doesn't get me!)

Thanks! And hopefully next chapter will be even better!

Alter Ego · Nov 25, 2007

Okay, seeing as how this has been so carefully fine-combed by all the reviewers before me, I'm not sure how much I can say without sounding like a broken record, but here goes:

DarkPersian479 said:
Soon enough, a girl was sitting at a desk in her room.

I dunno' about this sentence. 'Soon enough' is an adverbial phrase synonymous to 'without being late' and it just looks really weird at the start of a chapter. I mean, in the middle of one it's fine, but at the beginning it's just screaming for something to refer to. Maybe use some alternative form of expression here?

DarkPersian479 said:
"Sorry, I'll get on it right now!" Lisa started packing about five of her favorite outfits into vacuum-sealed bags and placing them into her dark purple backpack. "I love these vacuum-sealed bags! They let me carry a whole suitcase's worth of clothes in something I can easily fit on my back!"

I dunno'...do you really need to underline that they're 'vacuum-sealed' by repeating it like that? I'd suggest just saying 'bags' the second time around.

DarkPersian479 said:
The girl's phone calls were important. Embarking on this Pokémon quest meant that Lisa would have to put her two internet-based businesses in the hands of her top employees. The first, Northern Light Advanced Online Solutions, was a Web design and hosting company. Dr. Lisa's Math And Science Homework Help Forum was an online tutoring service where Lisa would help students with homework. Both of these businesses provided her with a steady source of income, which paid for college, both her cars, and her computer equipment. That income would now also pay for expenses incurred during this journey.

Ehh...I've got to agree that running two companies at the age of fifteen seems sort of overdone. A single one would have gotten your point across just as well, really, unless of course both have some kind of plot significance later on.

DarkPersian479 said:
Dr. Sequoia was taken aback. "This girl had been receiving notices to claim a starter Pokémon for five years and chooses today, of all days, to finally take one?"

Just have to point this out: given that thought description thus far has been focused exclusively on Lisa, I find this sudden quotation of the professor's thoughts sort of odd, especially since this is the only part in this chapter where they are described like this. Maybe relate the information content of that by some other means? Maybe through her expression or something? Just a thought. ^^ Incidentally, considering that the good professor was just robbed and has been tied up overnight, I must say that she's taking the whole situation very calmly. You'd think she'd at least be a little bit thirsty or something at this point. Or at the very least a good bit stiff. D= If that's just part of her personality then don't mind this comment. Again, it's just something that struck me when reading this.

DarkPersian479 said:
A tiny cat with light tan fur and a gold charm on its forehead emerged from under a stack of papers and went over to Lisa and looked at her, shaking its whiskers intently. It then used its brown webbed feet to jump up into Lisa's arms and smiled with its huge eyes, looking up adoringly at the stunned teenage genius. This Meowth had a red bow on its head.

Ahem, "webbed feet" is when the toes, right out to the tip, are connected by skin. (In lieu of a gull's or frog's feet) Meowths don't have webbed feet, at least not in official illustrations, just toes very close to each other.

DarkPersian479 said:
Professor Sequoia left the room then returned with a differently colored Pokéball and a small device. "When I caught this Meowth, I used this Luxury Ball, but sometimes I noticed she likes to walk outside of it. Still, I better give you this in case something happens and you need to call her back into the ball. Also, here is an upgrade for your PDA that contains a Pokédex function. It was actually developed by your father's company. Use it to gather data on any Pokémon you meet. Oh, and here are a few additional Pokéballs. You passed the trainer qualifying exam, so you should still remember how to use these. Well, I think you better be on your way before those thugs return. I wish you the best of luck on your adventure! I'll call the police and have them investigate the matter. Don't worry! I'll be fine! Just be careful out there!"

Not a direct fault here, but there's a pretty hefty chunk of pure speech you've got there. Maybe give some of her movements in between here?

DarkPersian479 said:
"Huh, so that's what you call a series of rapid scratches. Okay, sounds cool. Maybe I should give you a nickname, Meowth. How about, 'Quadratic Formula'?"

Meowth scowled at its trainer, apparently not accepting the name.

Lisa continued to suggest nicknames. "3.14159? Pythagorean Theorem? SOHCAHTOA? Isosceles Triangle? System of Equations? What, you don't like ANY of them?!"

Heh, I love this part. It's good to see that for all her merits, Lisa couldn't think up a good nickname to save her life. xD Still, I think we've all had our cases of just plain weird nicknaming, as my old LeafGreen Pidgeot, Cheese, can attest to. xD

Overall, I'm enjoying this fic thus far. Though Lisa does have a slightly Sueish touch to her at the moment, I guess I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now since it's only the first chapter. Besides, I've always had a weakness for the spoiled rich types (ACC could testify to that if he got his buttocks over here. x3) so I'll be interested in seeing how Lisa will develop. I'm also seconding most of what has been said by those before me, particularly about describing the trek to the town and the subjective terms thing. Sure, you can do subjective in narration, but in that case you should make your narrator clearly subjective (free indirect discourse and all that). This one, on the other hand, has more of an objective approach to the story, so a sudden 'cute' or 'beautiful' is a break in the style. The easiest workaround is to say that Lisa thought this and that, since that puts the subjectivity firmly on her shoulders.

Anyway, hope some of that helped. Looking forward to the next chapter. ^^ Oh, and in case you were wondering: purple_drake stole my thunder on the prologue, so I really can't say anything about it that hasn't been covered already. Hence why my comments are focused on the chapter.

[Pokémon] Lurking in the Shadows: Lisa's Ultimate Challenge (PG/PG-13)

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Elite Overlord LeSabre™

On that 'Non stop road'

Umbreon Ruler

Like clockwork

Elite Overlord LeSabre™

On that 'Non stop road'

Astinus

Elite Overlord LeSabre™

On that 'Non stop road'

Astinus

Bay

Gummy

by fire be P U R G E D

purple_drake

~Elite obsessed~

Elite Overlord LeSabre™

On that 'Non stop road'

Elite Overlord LeSabre™

On that 'Non stop road'

royalprophecies

Writer of The Sneasel Trainer

Haruka of Hoenn

Rolling writer

Astinus

royalprophecies

Writer of The Sneasel Trainer

Bay

Duncan McNeil

[release].your.grip

Astinus

Elite Overlord LeSabre™

On that 'Non stop road'

Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell