JX Valentine
Your aquatic overlord
- 3,277
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Harassing Bill
- Seen Aug 19, 2020
Author's Note: Second episode of Mystery Pokémon Theater 3000. Content by An-chan; humor by "I should be paying attention in class."
[OPENING, INT OF THE SATELLITE OF LOVE: We assume you've read the first episode, so we'll glean over the details here.
Xanthine walks in from stage right with clipboard in hand.]
Xanthine: Hey, everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Xanthine, and—
[Andy floats in from stage left.]
Andy: Hey, Xanthine?
Xanthine: [looking down at her clipboard] Yeah, Andy?
Andy: I just checked the engine room. You get the feeling something's missing?
Xanthine: Oh, yeah, Astinus escaped yesterday in our garbage shuttle to Earth.
Andy: Oh, well, I guess that ex—what?!
Xanthine: [looks up] Astinus escaped yesterday in our garbage shuttle to Earth. Geez, do I have to design a hearing aid for you?
Andy: But… But… how?
Xanthine: Oh, it was rather clever. She put on one of the space suits and buried herself in the garbage. Then, when the shuttle came, she clubbed the driver bot and took the shuttle back to Earth.
[Syntax floats in from stage right.]
Syntax: So, why didn't you go with her?
Xanthine: Because I know the shuttles are programmed to crash-land in Antarctica.
Syntax: Oh.
Andy: So, what about the problems with the navigation system?
Xanthine: Funny thing about that. See—
[A panel of lights begins to flash on the side of front desk.]
Xanthine: Oh, hey! We're getting a transmission sent to us at what is by no means a convenient time.
[She hits one of the lights. Behind her, a panel on a six-sided frame beside the door to the theater opens. It reveals a screen that flickers to life, showing Astinus surrounded by Piplup. Xanthine and the Pokémon turn to look at the image.]
Astinus: Xanthine! Crazy thing about garbage shuttle, wasn't it?
Xanthine: Yeah. So, how's Antarctica?
Astinus: It's great! I think the Piplup are really starting to accept me as one of their own! Hey, listen, the Higher Staff is transmitting the story to you through me this time. I'm really sorry; there's not much I can do about it.
Xanthine: Have you tried turning off the radio?
Astinus: [blatantly ignoring her] So, your experiment this week is "Journey to Isle of Jade," a story about a girl who's trying to help a strange Bulbasaur and its trainer find an island called, naturally, the Isle of Jade.
Syntax: That's it?
Astinus: Yeah, I know. Not much of a story. Look, I've gotta go. Good luck, Xanthine! Sorry I won't be able to help you out anymore!
Syntax and Andy: No, you're not.
Astinus: Yeah, you're right. I'm not. But hey, have fun anyway!
[The screen goes blank and the panel slides back in to cover it. Almost immediately afterward, the lights flash, and the station rumbles.]
Xanthine: Oh crap! FANFIC SIGN!
[She hits the light and scrambles for the doors. The Pokémon, screaming, dart to the sides.]
[Xanthine and the Pokémon come into the theater and sit at the edge as the words of the fanfic appear on the screen.]
Prologue
When Cimi had been eleven, she had started her journey as a trainer as did most of the children in her town. Her starter Pokémon had been a Ponyta she had known since she had been only six years old.
Syntax: Excuse us while we establish this story with lengthy exposition you probably don't care about.
Her uncle had a farm where he grew and bred fire-type Pokémon, mostly Ponytas, Vulpixes and Growlithes, and this particular Ponyta had gotten Cimi's interest. For a whole summer, this Ponyta and the six-year-old Cimi had played together. After the summer, Cimi had given the Ponyta its nickname Radeem.
"Why Radeem?", had her uncle asked,
Andy: Because everyone should have a Pokémon with an eastern-sounding name. It's politically correct!
"While it's still cute and small, you should give her a cute nickname!"
"I want her to keep her name", Cimi had answered,
Xanthine: [slaps a palm to her face] Oh God. Please don't tell me she can talk to Pokémon.
"And she can't have a lame cute name when she's already a Rapidash."
After that, the Ponyta answered only to the name Radeem and when Cimi came back and called it's name the next summer, it came running. This was the reason Cimi's uncle gave Radeem to be Cimi's starter Pokémon.
A couple of months after Cimi had left, her parents and uncle came and visited her for her birthday. She was then staying in a small Pokémon Center and nurse Joy had also attended her 12th birthday. As a present, her parents gave her a Pichu, and what a fiery one he was. For his size he was awfully self-centered and he thought way too much of himself for his own good.
Xanthine: Overcompensation is fun for everyone!
He was always ready for a showdown with anyone who'd mess with him.
Syntax: I'm thrilled by how much actual action we're getting in this fic.
Andy: Yeah, well, we've got a long way to go, Syntax. We're only on page one.
Xanthine: Guys, if I die of boredom, jettison my stereo into Earth's atmosphere.
Syntax: Damn! I wanted that thing!
Apart from that he was a jolly little lad,
Andy: Like St. Nicholas!
helpful and happy, and he also had a strong sense of justice.
Xanthine: Did we already mention he's overcompensating?
Syntax: I don't know about that. Strong sense of justice?
Cimi caught most of her Pokémon with this Pichu rather than using Radeem, because Pichu really loved a good fight and Radeem did not really care for those things,
Andy: As we can clearly see through these incredible battles that the narrator is showing us.
Xanthine: [lying back to rest her head on the back of the seat] Well, guys, wake me up when something actually happens.
as proud and noble as she was. Cimi kept neither of these Pokémon in a pokeball because she often felt terribly lonely without her Pokémon around. Besides, riding Radeem was an excellent way to move from one place to another.
Her first catch had been a Ralts, one of a friendly and helpful nature.
Syntax: Hey, let's start a drinking game. Every time the author uses the words "friendly" or "helpful," take a drink.
Andy: Do you want us to die from alcohol poisoning by the end of the first chapter?
This Ralts soon began translating Radeem's speech, and in that role became invaluable for Cimi. Soon after Pichu had joined their party, Ralts evolved into a Kirlia,
Andy: With the power of friendship!
which made her even more joyous and helpful.
Syntax: Ooh! Take a drink!
She was mostly useless in a battle, as she was pretty weak for her species, and thus preferred being a translator. Because of her position,
Syntax: Which is a euphemism for "she slept with Cimi."
neither did she live in a pokeball. She often sat behind Cimi on Radeem's back and when she was on exceptionally good mood,
Andy: She bought this good mood on the street corner when Cimi wasn't looking. And then she snorted it.
she'd dance after them and sing little songs by herself.
But soon after getting her first badge, Cimi grew tired of being a trainer. She did not care for the fights, nor catching Pokémon, and thinking about the next gym battle made her slightly nautious.
Andy: Food poisoning helped that a little too.
She did not like to hurt Pokémon, even if they loved fighting, and her only chances obviously were to hurt someone else's Pokémon or her own, which was even worse. So, she quitted being a trainer and released all her Pokémon to the wild. Most of them went back to freedom, now stronger and harder to capture, and lived their lives as they had lived before Cimi had captured them. But Pichu, Kirlia and Radeem, who had evolved into Rapidash, all wanted to stay with her,
Andy: So… she released all of her Pokémon but not really?
Syntax: Andy, surely you know by now you shouldn't be trying to make sense of a fanfiction when the author is trying to be deep and eloquent.
so she took them with her and went back home. Her mother and father were really happy to get their daughter back,
Syntax: It turned out that there was too much red tape involved for them to just abandon her.
and they had no problem with her bringing Pokémon with her.
Cimi went to work with her uncle on his ranch so she could think what she wanted to be.
Syntax: [as Cimi] "Uncle, I wanna raise Ponyta to send to the glue factory!"
She did not care much about the idea of becoming a Pokémon breeder, and she didn't want to do entertainment either. She thought about starting as a Pokémon ranger, but that wouldn't have suited her either. So for many years she stayed as a helper on the ranch, until something rather strange happened that made her leave the ranch.
Andy: Should we think about waking up Xanthine sometime soon?
Syntax: Nah. Nothing's happened yet, has it?
A very, very tired and hungry Bulbasaur appeared on the outskirts of the ranch.
Andy: Maybe this is the Bulbasaur Astinus foretold! Does this mean the story will actually get started?
Bulbasaurs were not native to her home area, and this one had clearly made a long trip.
Andy: Are you suggesting Bulbasaur migrate?
Syntax: Not at all. They could be carried.
Andy: What? A swallow carrying a Bulbasaur?
Syntax: He could grip it by the husk!
The Bulbasaur tried to hide when Cimi rode towards it, Radeem's blazing tail behind her, Pichu standing between Radeem's ears
Syntax: In the fire?
Andy: It's a special flame-retardant Pichu.
Syntax: Well, it's certainly retardant something.
and Kirlia sitting behind her. It was tired, so Cimi got to it before it managed to hide. Kirlia spoke with the Bulbasaur for a while, and Bulbasaur relaxed. Kirlia turned towards Cimi and said:
"I told him we're not going to catch him. I think he's okay now. Did you know Bulbasaurs could read?"
Andy: They get Hooked On Phonics pretty early, you know.
"What are you talking about", Cimi answered halfheartedly as she took her radio out so she could call someone to help them with the Bulbasaur.
"Well", said Kirlia,
"He said he read the sign pointing to a Pokémon ranch and thought he could get some food.."
There certainly was something strange to it.
Syntax: You mean other than the fact that a Pokémon can't hunt for itself outdoors? Yeah, I think that's completely normal.
And Cimi was to find out what it was.
Chapter 1 - Bulbasaur's Story
The Bulbasaur Cimi had found was so exhausted it couldn't spew out even half a "bulba" before it had eaten and slept a whole night. Cimi spent that night in the shelter with the Bulbasaur with Pichu guarding her jealously
Syntax: Yep. I foresee hot Bulbasaur on Pichu action at the rate this is going.
Andy: So, she's like a Pokémon Mary Sue?
and Kirlia dancing around just in case the Bulbasaur would wake up. As morning came, they had all fallen asleep. But Bulbasaur was finally awake.
He stood up and looked a lot better now that he had slept.
Andy: Wait. Wasn't Bulbasaur a female just a moment ago?
Syntax: It's the special transvestite variety of Bulbasaur.
He stamped the floor a bit with his front paws and checked that his vines were okay. Then he started slowly moving towards the door.
"Where are you going", Kirlia asked silently
Andy: How do you say something silently?
Syntax: Magic.
and opened her eyes.
"Umm... Out", answered Bulbasaur.
"No, I mean... Where were you going? Why are you here?"
Bulbasaur looked at Kirlia. Oh how she annoyed him with her constant little dancing and stupid questions.
Syntax: He gathered all of this from less than five minutes of actually knowing her.
"Do Pokémon need a reason to roam around?" he asked, very annoyed.
Syntax: [as Bulbasaur] "It's certainly not like I'm going to break into people's houses and mug people in dark alleys."
"You're not roaming around", Kirlia said with a friendly expression,
"You want to get somewhere. You've traveled a long way."
Bulbasaur turned his head and looked at the human sleeping against the wall with a Pichu on her lap.
"She's not a trainer, is she?", he asked a little worried.
"No, she's not. She's more of a Pokémon helper now",
Andy: Because a person who helps a Pokémon become stronger by helping it to win battles certainly isn't actually a helper, right?
Kirlia answered and tilted her head a bit. I wonder, she tought, why Bulbasaur is so afraid about getting caught. She had not disliked it at all, she even liked being in a Pokéball. It was all nice and cozy in there, and it never rained inside a Pokéball. She did not care for rain.
Syntax: And that's relevant… how?
"Ah! Do you have a fear of enclosed spaces?", Kirlia asked, as it was the most likely answer.
"No, I don't!", Bulbasaur answered hastily, but admitted after a short silence:
"Well, I guess a bit..."
"And you've run away from a trainer, and you're escaping as far as you can get", Kirlia spouted happily, as she thought she had solved the mystery.
Syntax: Does she want a gold star or what?
"It's not like that, really", Bulbasaur said,
"I was more like abandoned..."
Andy: Everyone hates you. You know what that means?
Syntax: Die in a fire?
Andy: And save the rest of the cast the trouble.
"Oh, he's awake!", Cimi shouted in excitement
Syntax: I don't know, Andy. Does this smack of "Oh yeah, there's another character here" to you?
Andy: I love it when the author suddenly remembers half the cast exists.
and woke up Pichu, who fell down from her lap.
Syntax: Whoa there! What was the Pichu doing in Cimi's lap?
Andy: Nothing that's allowed on Fanfiction.net anymore.
"Of course I am", answered Bulbasaur, but all Cimi could hear was "bulba bulbasaur".
During the next hours Cimi, Kirlia and Pichu made Bulbasaur tell the truth.
Syntax: With torture.
He told them that he had been a starter Pokémon of a very demanding trainer.
Andy: Uh, oh. Cue long and boring backstory.
One time he had fought with his trainer, whom he had disobeyed, and had been forcefully put into a pokeball.
Syntax: Forcefully, eh? That's kinda kinky.
When he later had forced his way out of it, he had been in a dark forest. He had then decided to leave on his own,
Andy: So, the trainer lets his Bulbasaur out but doesn't notice it wandering away from him?
Syntax: Clearly, he's the best trainer ever.
and his destination was The Isle of Jade, where wild Bulbasaurs, Ivysaurs and Venusaurs roamed free in peace.
Andy: He teleported to said island he was apparently not already on.
His only problem was that any trainer who saw him tried to catch him with all their might, and since he was a grass type, it was not rare that he had to dodge some sort of flamethrower.
Andy: Because people in canon certainly know their type match-ups.
Syntax: Aim for the horn!
His story made Cimi think intensively and had Pichu almost in tears, clinging to Cimi's leg.
Syntax: Bow chicka wow-wow!
Kirlia swirled around on her place and tried to have a happy chit-chat with Bulbasaur.
"I've never heard there were Pokémon on the Island of Jade", Cimi said finally,
"But I guess they want to keep all the Pokémon there safe.
Syntax: Yes, those vague people who we don't actually know exist, protecting Pokémon we thought weren't on this mythical island.
Well, there's not much to do. We'll escort you, Bulbasaur!"
"Escort me?!", Bulbasaur gasped, his eyes widened. He did not know if this was a good idea or a really bad one.
Syntax: [in a low voice] Depends on what kind of escort we're talking about here, if you know what I mean.
"Yay", said Kirlia, so excited she stopped her dancing.
Andy: So excited it can only be conveyed with deadpan delivery!
"Wouldn't that be awesome", Pichu thought,
Syntax: He spoke silently.
his eyes glittering and his mind already set on upcoming battles. He really liked being a hero.
Andy: Unfortunately, he was setting himself up for disappointment.
"I'm tired of babysitting little Ponytas all year round", Cimi explained,
"And so is Radeem. We could really use an adventure, and Isle of Jade isn't that far away. Besides, you'll never get there by yourself. There are tons of trainers roaming around this area, and boy would they like to get their hands on you.
Syntax: [as Cimi] "So, instead, I'm going to get my hands on you! If you know what I mean."
And how were you planning on getting to that island? You're not some secret water type, are you?"
Bulbasaur's expression revealed that he had not even thought about all the water separating Isle of Jade from the mainland. He had simply made his journey watching out for trainers and hoping to get to his destination soon enough.
"Well, it's decided then", Cimi said, smiling to Bulbasaur with her brown eyes glowing.
Syntax: And then she died of radiation poisoning. The end!
Bulbasaur could not say no, nor bring himself happy about the turn things had taken.
"Now we need to talk Radeem into this", Cimi said and stood up.
"That's not going to be easy", Pichu noted, and was certainly right.
Andy: Over the years, Radeem had built up a resistance to Cimi's torture methods.
Chapter 2 - About the Isle of Jade
Syntax: Oh no. More long exposition. Hey, Andy, if I follow Xanthine, will you read the fanfiction for us?
Andy: No.
Cimi's uncle told Cimi that they couldn't leave until Bulbasaur was in better condition. That in mind, Cimi thought of a perfect plan to make Radeem come with them without complaining. She gathered her Pokémon and Bulbasaur around and started telling them the story of Isle oh Jade.
Andy: It's Chock Full o'Jade! It's that heavenly jade.
"You see, during the ancient times, jade was thought of as a godly stone. It was thought to bring fortune to those carrying it, and so it was held high in value. It was very rare on the mainland, but on a certain island there were tons of jade, just to wait for someone to take it away.
Andy and Syntax: [as the jade, in falsetto voices] "Help me! Heellllp meeee!"
That island became known as the Isle of Jade back then", Cimi started her story.
Andy: Oh no. She's only starting!
Syntax: Brace yourself, Bee Boy. You're about to be hit with Chock Full o'Stuff You Don't Care About.
"What's jade like?", Pichu wanted to know.
"It's kind of greeny,
Andy: [as Cimi] "It's kind of a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff."
very modest-looking stone, I think... I've never actually seen any", Cimi said, trying to remember.
"Yeah, that's pretty much it", Bulbasaur said absent-mindedly.
"How do you know?", Kirlia asked kindly, out of curiousity.
"My trainer's mother had a jade pin she used every day,
Syntax: [as Bulbasaur] "Twice if I was really bad."
but it's really none of your business", he muttered angrily.
"But it was not easy to get to Isle of Jade!", Cimi shouted to stop the conversation and continued her story:
"The waters between mainland and the island were full of underwater rocks
Syntax: And this differs from any other part of the ocean… how?
and there were mighty breezes blowing all winter, so many ships sank. The gap was too wide for a bridge, but too narrow for biggar ships.
Syntax: You know, a lot of women have the same problem.
Andy: Syntax…
So, soon it was thought that gods cursed anyone who stole their precious stones. Only the most brave and most greedy dared to go and take any of the jade, and in time, the island was forgotten."
Andy: Apparently, it was very much forgotten, seeing as this story doesn't exist.
"Jade must look really beautiful, because why would any fool go onto such a cursed island in any other case", Radeem said holding her head high.
"Remember they thought jade had some macigal touch to it",
Syntax: Macigal?
Andy: Macigal. You know, the famous masseuse? To have the Macigal touch is to have a firm, relaxing rub.
Syntax: Oh.
Cimi reminded and went on.
"It took many, many years before decent people went on that island again. They tought it was a forsaken island with no Pokémon, no chance for growing anything and most importantly, no gold.
Andy: Well, duh. If it had gold, it'd be called Isle of Gold, now, wouldn't it?
Syntax: Unless it was something like Greenland and isn't actually green.
Andy: Greenland's weird anyway.
The Isle of Jade is filled with who knows how old forests, so I really wouldn't wonder if they made it into a sanctuary for grass type Pokémon. Well, anyway, some people still liked jade a lot, so some jade miners started to live there and craft jewellery out of the stones. They still sell the cheapest jade accessories there nowadays. And, it is also said, that they're the best there are. Once a noble woman
Andy: Yay! Story time!
Syntax: [imitates loud snoring]
looked for a jewel that would suit her tastes and be as classy as she was. Her servants brought diamonds, pearls, rubys, emeralds and sapphires for her to see, but nothing was good enough, had it gold, silver or platinum around it. Even crystals were not enough for her. But a humble wife came from the Isle of Jade with a cheap jade ring with her, and that was what the noble woman had wanted. She paid the wife a fortune for the ring, so I guess jade does bring some sort of luck!"
Syntax: And now back to things we actually care about.
"That must truly be a remarkable stone", Radeem said,
Syntax: Blast! Foiled!
[OPENING, INT OF THE SATELLITE OF LOVE: We assume you've read the first episode, so we'll glean over the details here.
Xanthine walks in from stage right with clipboard in hand.]
Xanthine: Hey, everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Xanthine, and—
[Andy floats in from stage left.]
Andy: Hey, Xanthine?
Xanthine: [looking down at her clipboard] Yeah, Andy?
Andy: I just checked the engine room. You get the feeling something's missing?
Xanthine: Oh, yeah, Astinus escaped yesterday in our garbage shuttle to Earth.
Andy: Oh, well, I guess that ex—what?!
Xanthine: [looks up] Astinus escaped yesterday in our garbage shuttle to Earth. Geez, do I have to design a hearing aid for you?
Andy: But… But… how?
Xanthine: Oh, it was rather clever. She put on one of the space suits and buried herself in the garbage. Then, when the shuttle came, she clubbed the driver bot and took the shuttle back to Earth.
[Syntax floats in from stage right.]
Syntax: So, why didn't you go with her?
Xanthine: Because I know the shuttles are programmed to crash-land in Antarctica.
Syntax: Oh.
Andy: So, what about the problems with the navigation system?
Xanthine: Funny thing about that. See—
[A panel of lights begins to flash on the side of front desk.]
Xanthine: Oh, hey! We're getting a transmission sent to us at what is by no means a convenient time.
[She hits one of the lights. Behind her, a panel on a six-sided frame beside the door to the theater opens. It reveals a screen that flickers to life, showing Astinus surrounded by Piplup. Xanthine and the Pokémon turn to look at the image.]
Astinus: Xanthine! Crazy thing about garbage shuttle, wasn't it?
Xanthine: Yeah. So, how's Antarctica?
Astinus: It's great! I think the Piplup are really starting to accept me as one of their own! Hey, listen, the Higher Staff is transmitting the story to you through me this time. I'm really sorry; there's not much I can do about it.
Xanthine: Have you tried turning off the radio?
Astinus: [blatantly ignoring her] So, your experiment this week is "Journey to Isle of Jade," a story about a girl who's trying to help a strange Bulbasaur and its trainer find an island called, naturally, the Isle of Jade.
Syntax: That's it?
Astinus: Yeah, I know. Not much of a story. Look, I've gotta go. Good luck, Xanthine! Sorry I won't be able to help you out anymore!
Syntax and Andy: No, you're not.
Astinus: Yeah, you're right. I'm not. But hey, have fun anyway!
[The screen goes blank and the panel slides back in to cover it. Almost immediately afterward, the lights flash, and the station rumbles.]
Xanthine: Oh crap! FANFIC SIGN!
[She hits the light and scrambles for the doors. The Pokémon, screaming, dart to the sides.]
---
[Xanthine and the Pokémon come into the theater and sit at the edge as the words of the fanfic appear on the screen.]
Prologue
When Cimi had been eleven, she had started her journey as a trainer as did most of the children in her town. Her starter Pokémon had been a Ponyta she had known since she had been only six years old.
Syntax: Excuse us while we establish this story with lengthy exposition you probably don't care about.
Her uncle had a farm where he grew and bred fire-type Pokémon, mostly Ponytas, Vulpixes and Growlithes, and this particular Ponyta had gotten Cimi's interest. For a whole summer, this Ponyta and the six-year-old Cimi had played together. After the summer, Cimi had given the Ponyta its nickname Radeem.
"Why Radeem?", had her uncle asked,
Andy: Because everyone should have a Pokémon with an eastern-sounding name. It's politically correct!
"While it's still cute and small, you should give her a cute nickname!"
"I want her to keep her name", Cimi had answered,
Xanthine: [slaps a palm to her face] Oh God. Please don't tell me she can talk to Pokémon.
"And she can't have a lame cute name when she's already a Rapidash."
After that, the Ponyta answered only to the name Radeem and when Cimi came back and called it's name the next summer, it came running. This was the reason Cimi's uncle gave Radeem to be Cimi's starter Pokémon.
A couple of months after Cimi had left, her parents and uncle came and visited her for her birthday. She was then staying in a small Pokémon Center and nurse Joy had also attended her 12th birthday. As a present, her parents gave her a Pichu, and what a fiery one he was. For his size he was awfully self-centered and he thought way too much of himself for his own good.
Xanthine: Overcompensation is fun for everyone!
He was always ready for a showdown with anyone who'd mess with him.
Syntax: I'm thrilled by how much actual action we're getting in this fic.
Andy: Yeah, well, we've got a long way to go, Syntax. We're only on page one.
Xanthine: Guys, if I die of boredom, jettison my stereo into Earth's atmosphere.
Syntax: Damn! I wanted that thing!
Apart from that he was a jolly little lad,
Andy: Like St. Nicholas!
helpful and happy, and he also had a strong sense of justice.
Xanthine: Did we already mention he's overcompensating?
Syntax: I don't know about that. Strong sense of justice?
Cimi caught most of her Pokémon with this Pichu rather than using Radeem, because Pichu really loved a good fight and Radeem did not really care for those things,
Andy: As we can clearly see through these incredible battles that the narrator is showing us.
Xanthine: [lying back to rest her head on the back of the seat] Well, guys, wake me up when something actually happens.
as proud and noble as she was. Cimi kept neither of these Pokémon in a pokeball because she often felt terribly lonely without her Pokémon around. Besides, riding Radeem was an excellent way to move from one place to another.
Her first catch had been a Ralts, one of a friendly and helpful nature.
Syntax: Hey, let's start a drinking game. Every time the author uses the words "friendly" or "helpful," take a drink.
Andy: Do you want us to die from alcohol poisoning by the end of the first chapter?
This Ralts soon began translating Radeem's speech, and in that role became invaluable for Cimi. Soon after Pichu had joined their party, Ralts evolved into a Kirlia,
Andy: With the power of friendship!
which made her even more joyous and helpful.
Syntax: Ooh! Take a drink!
She was mostly useless in a battle, as she was pretty weak for her species, and thus preferred being a translator. Because of her position,
Syntax: Which is a euphemism for "she slept with Cimi."
neither did she live in a pokeball. She often sat behind Cimi on Radeem's back and when she was on exceptionally good mood,
Andy: She bought this good mood on the street corner when Cimi wasn't looking. And then she snorted it.
she'd dance after them and sing little songs by herself.
But soon after getting her first badge, Cimi grew tired of being a trainer. She did not care for the fights, nor catching Pokémon, and thinking about the next gym battle made her slightly nautious.
Andy: Food poisoning helped that a little too.
She did not like to hurt Pokémon, even if they loved fighting, and her only chances obviously were to hurt someone else's Pokémon or her own, which was even worse. So, she quitted being a trainer and released all her Pokémon to the wild. Most of them went back to freedom, now stronger and harder to capture, and lived their lives as they had lived before Cimi had captured them. But Pichu, Kirlia and Radeem, who had evolved into Rapidash, all wanted to stay with her,
Andy: So… she released all of her Pokémon but not really?
Syntax: Andy, surely you know by now you shouldn't be trying to make sense of a fanfiction when the author is trying to be deep and eloquent.
so she took them with her and went back home. Her mother and father were really happy to get their daughter back,
Syntax: It turned out that there was too much red tape involved for them to just abandon her.
and they had no problem with her bringing Pokémon with her.
Cimi went to work with her uncle on his ranch so she could think what she wanted to be.
Syntax: [as Cimi] "Uncle, I wanna raise Ponyta to send to the glue factory!"
She did not care much about the idea of becoming a Pokémon breeder, and she didn't want to do entertainment either. She thought about starting as a Pokémon ranger, but that wouldn't have suited her either. So for many years she stayed as a helper on the ranch, until something rather strange happened that made her leave the ranch.
Andy: Should we think about waking up Xanthine sometime soon?
Syntax: Nah. Nothing's happened yet, has it?
A very, very tired and hungry Bulbasaur appeared on the outskirts of the ranch.
Andy: Maybe this is the Bulbasaur Astinus foretold! Does this mean the story will actually get started?
Bulbasaurs were not native to her home area, and this one had clearly made a long trip.
Andy: Are you suggesting Bulbasaur migrate?
Syntax: Not at all. They could be carried.
Andy: What? A swallow carrying a Bulbasaur?
Syntax: He could grip it by the husk!
The Bulbasaur tried to hide when Cimi rode towards it, Radeem's blazing tail behind her, Pichu standing between Radeem's ears
Syntax: In the fire?
Andy: It's a special flame-retardant Pichu.
Syntax: Well, it's certainly retardant something.
and Kirlia sitting behind her. It was tired, so Cimi got to it before it managed to hide. Kirlia spoke with the Bulbasaur for a while, and Bulbasaur relaxed. Kirlia turned towards Cimi and said:
"I told him we're not going to catch him. I think he's okay now. Did you know Bulbasaurs could read?"
Andy: They get Hooked On Phonics pretty early, you know.
"What are you talking about", Cimi answered halfheartedly as she took her radio out so she could call someone to help them with the Bulbasaur.
"Well", said Kirlia,
"He said he read the sign pointing to a Pokémon ranch and thought he could get some food.."
There certainly was something strange to it.
Syntax: You mean other than the fact that a Pokémon can't hunt for itself outdoors? Yeah, I think that's completely normal.
And Cimi was to find out what it was.
Chapter 1 - Bulbasaur's Story
The Bulbasaur Cimi had found was so exhausted it couldn't spew out even half a "bulba" before it had eaten and slept a whole night. Cimi spent that night in the shelter with the Bulbasaur with Pichu guarding her jealously
Syntax: Yep. I foresee hot Bulbasaur on Pichu action at the rate this is going.
Andy: So, she's like a Pokémon Mary Sue?
and Kirlia dancing around just in case the Bulbasaur would wake up. As morning came, they had all fallen asleep. But Bulbasaur was finally awake.
He stood up and looked a lot better now that he had slept.
Andy: Wait. Wasn't Bulbasaur a female just a moment ago?
Syntax: It's the special transvestite variety of Bulbasaur.
He stamped the floor a bit with his front paws and checked that his vines were okay. Then he started slowly moving towards the door.
"Where are you going", Kirlia asked silently
Andy: How do you say something silently?
Syntax: Magic.
and opened her eyes.
"Umm... Out", answered Bulbasaur.
"No, I mean... Where were you going? Why are you here?"
Bulbasaur looked at Kirlia. Oh how she annoyed him with her constant little dancing and stupid questions.
Syntax: He gathered all of this from less than five minutes of actually knowing her.
"Do Pokémon need a reason to roam around?" he asked, very annoyed.
Syntax: [as Bulbasaur] "It's certainly not like I'm going to break into people's houses and mug people in dark alleys."
"You're not roaming around", Kirlia said with a friendly expression,
"You want to get somewhere. You've traveled a long way."
Bulbasaur turned his head and looked at the human sleeping against the wall with a Pichu on her lap.
"She's not a trainer, is she?", he asked a little worried.
"No, she's not. She's more of a Pokémon helper now",
Andy: Because a person who helps a Pokémon become stronger by helping it to win battles certainly isn't actually a helper, right?
Kirlia answered and tilted her head a bit. I wonder, she tought, why Bulbasaur is so afraid about getting caught. She had not disliked it at all, she even liked being in a Pokéball. It was all nice and cozy in there, and it never rained inside a Pokéball. She did not care for rain.
Syntax: And that's relevant… how?
"Ah! Do you have a fear of enclosed spaces?", Kirlia asked, as it was the most likely answer.
"No, I don't!", Bulbasaur answered hastily, but admitted after a short silence:
"Well, I guess a bit..."
"And you've run away from a trainer, and you're escaping as far as you can get", Kirlia spouted happily, as she thought she had solved the mystery.
Syntax: Does she want a gold star or what?
"It's not like that, really", Bulbasaur said,
"I was more like abandoned..."
Andy: Everyone hates you. You know what that means?
Syntax: Die in a fire?
Andy: And save the rest of the cast the trouble.
"Oh, he's awake!", Cimi shouted in excitement
Syntax: I don't know, Andy. Does this smack of "Oh yeah, there's another character here" to you?
Andy: I love it when the author suddenly remembers half the cast exists.
and woke up Pichu, who fell down from her lap.
Syntax: Whoa there! What was the Pichu doing in Cimi's lap?
Andy: Nothing that's allowed on Fanfiction.net anymore.
"Of course I am", answered Bulbasaur, but all Cimi could hear was "bulba bulbasaur".
During the next hours Cimi, Kirlia and Pichu made Bulbasaur tell the truth.
Syntax: With torture.
He told them that he had been a starter Pokémon of a very demanding trainer.
Andy: Uh, oh. Cue long and boring backstory.
One time he had fought with his trainer, whom he had disobeyed, and had been forcefully put into a pokeball.
Syntax: Forcefully, eh? That's kinda kinky.
When he later had forced his way out of it, he had been in a dark forest. He had then decided to leave on his own,
Andy: So, the trainer lets his Bulbasaur out but doesn't notice it wandering away from him?
Syntax: Clearly, he's the best trainer ever.
and his destination was The Isle of Jade, where wild Bulbasaurs, Ivysaurs and Venusaurs roamed free in peace.
Andy: He teleported to said island he was apparently not already on.
His only problem was that any trainer who saw him tried to catch him with all their might, and since he was a grass type, it was not rare that he had to dodge some sort of flamethrower.
Andy: Because people in canon certainly know their type match-ups.
Syntax: Aim for the horn!
His story made Cimi think intensively and had Pichu almost in tears, clinging to Cimi's leg.
Syntax: Bow chicka wow-wow!
Kirlia swirled around on her place and tried to have a happy chit-chat with Bulbasaur.
"I've never heard there were Pokémon on the Island of Jade", Cimi said finally,
"But I guess they want to keep all the Pokémon there safe.
Syntax: Yes, those vague people who we don't actually know exist, protecting Pokémon we thought weren't on this mythical island.
Well, there's not much to do. We'll escort you, Bulbasaur!"
"Escort me?!", Bulbasaur gasped, his eyes widened. He did not know if this was a good idea or a really bad one.
Syntax: [in a low voice] Depends on what kind of escort we're talking about here, if you know what I mean.
"Yay", said Kirlia, so excited she stopped her dancing.
Andy: So excited it can only be conveyed with deadpan delivery!
"Wouldn't that be awesome", Pichu thought,
Syntax: He spoke silently.
his eyes glittering and his mind already set on upcoming battles. He really liked being a hero.
Andy: Unfortunately, he was setting himself up for disappointment.
"I'm tired of babysitting little Ponytas all year round", Cimi explained,
"And so is Radeem. We could really use an adventure, and Isle of Jade isn't that far away. Besides, you'll never get there by yourself. There are tons of trainers roaming around this area, and boy would they like to get their hands on you.
Syntax: [as Cimi] "So, instead, I'm going to get my hands on you! If you know what I mean."
And how were you planning on getting to that island? You're not some secret water type, are you?"
Bulbasaur's expression revealed that he had not even thought about all the water separating Isle of Jade from the mainland. He had simply made his journey watching out for trainers and hoping to get to his destination soon enough.
"Well, it's decided then", Cimi said, smiling to Bulbasaur with her brown eyes glowing.
Syntax: And then she died of radiation poisoning. The end!
Bulbasaur could not say no, nor bring himself happy about the turn things had taken.
"Now we need to talk Radeem into this", Cimi said and stood up.
"That's not going to be easy", Pichu noted, and was certainly right.
Andy: Over the years, Radeem had built up a resistance to Cimi's torture methods.
Chapter 2 - About the Isle of Jade
Syntax: Oh no. More long exposition. Hey, Andy, if I follow Xanthine, will you read the fanfiction for us?
Andy: No.
Cimi's uncle told Cimi that they couldn't leave until Bulbasaur was in better condition. That in mind, Cimi thought of a perfect plan to make Radeem come with them without complaining. She gathered her Pokémon and Bulbasaur around and started telling them the story of Isle oh Jade.
Andy: It's Chock Full o'Jade! It's that heavenly jade.
"You see, during the ancient times, jade was thought of as a godly stone. It was thought to bring fortune to those carrying it, and so it was held high in value. It was very rare on the mainland, but on a certain island there were tons of jade, just to wait for someone to take it away.
Andy and Syntax: [as the jade, in falsetto voices] "Help me! Heellllp meeee!"
That island became known as the Isle of Jade back then", Cimi started her story.
Andy: Oh no. She's only starting!
Syntax: Brace yourself, Bee Boy. You're about to be hit with Chock Full o'Stuff You Don't Care About.
"What's jade like?", Pichu wanted to know.
"It's kind of greeny,
Andy: [as Cimi] "It's kind of a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff."
very modest-looking stone, I think... I've never actually seen any", Cimi said, trying to remember.
"Yeah, that's pretty much it", Bulbasaur said absent-mindedly.
"How do you know?", Kirlia asked kindly, out of curiousity.
"My trainer's mother had a jade pin she used every day,
Syntax: [as Bulbasaur] "Twice if I was really bad."
but it's really none of your business", he muttered angrily.
"But it was not easy to get to Isle of Jade!", Cimi shouted to stop the conversation and continued her story:
"The waters between mainland and the island were full of underwater rocks
Syntax: And this differs from any other part of the ocean… how?
and there were mighty breezes blowing all winter, so many ships sank. The gap was too wide for a bridge, but too narrow for biggar ships.
Syntax: You know, a lot of women have the same problem.
Andy: Syntax…
So, soon it was thought that gods cursed anyone who stole their precious stones. Only the most brave and most greedy dared to go and take any of the jade, and in time, the island was forgotten."
Andy: Apparently, it was very much forgotten, seeing as this story doesn't exist.
"Jade must look really beautiful, because why would any fool go onto such a cursed island in any other case", Radeem said holding her head high.
"Remember they thought jade had some macigal touch to it",
Syntax: Macigal?
Andy: Macigal. You know, the famous masseuse? To have the Macigal touch is to have a firm, relaxing rub.
Syntax: Oh.
Cimi reminded and went on.
"It took many, many years before decent people went on that island again. They tought it was a forsaken island with no Pokémon, no chance for growing anything and most importantly, no gold.
Andy: Well, duh. If it had gold, it'd be called Isle of Gold, now, wouldn't it?
Syntax: Unless it was something like Greenland and isn't actually green.
Andy: Greenland's weird anyway.
The Isle of Jade is filled with who knows how old forests, so I really wouldn't wonder if they made it into a sanctuary for grass type Pokémon. Well, anyway, some people still liked jade a lot, so some jade miners started to live there and craft jewellery out of the stones. They still sell the cheapest jade accessories there nowadays. And, it is also said, that they're the best there are. Once a noble woman
Andy: Yay! Story time!
Syntax: [imitates loud snoring]
looked for a jewel that would suit her tastes and be as classy as she was. Her servants brought diamonds, pearls, rubys, emeralds and sapphires for her to see, but nothing was good enough, had it gold, silver or platinum around it. Even crystals were not enough for her. But a humble wife came from the Isle of Jade with a cheap jade ring with her, and that was what the noble woman had wanted. She paid the wife a fortune for the ring, so I guess jade does bring some sort of luck!"
Syntax: And now back to things we actually care about.
"That must truly be a remarkable stone", Radeem said,
Syntax: Blast! Foiled!