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  #1    
Old July 28th, 2010, 12:18 AM
professional
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My first thread and LP I hope you guys engoy

Here goes:

Spoiler:




Better Late Than Never I guess

Wait a sec! what's that smell

oh ! I take it you were in the Bathroom
oh God really nasty!

Next time use some Perfume.


So, dude what's a Pokemon?


I see, so a Pokemon is a ball with arms and a tail! interesting.


No wonder that they play with it,
it's a ball with eyes and a mouth!.


mmmm! I really can't remember,
wait a sec until I check my ID,
oh ya, I'm a boy.


What is this? an investigation?.
OAK:I'll give some Chocolate.
Me: okay I'll well tell you my name.


A very good name!


I really hate repeating my words!
Of course yes old man.


Cool I get to name people I don't know!.


Well you have silly hair ,so your name will be silly of course.


Why things turn so small!.


So your my Mother!!! oh God,
didn't your Mom teach you any manner!,
you have to say Good Morning befor anything else,
and where is Breakfast,
you are a bad Mom.


I take it back, you're the best Mom ever .



So his an old man that can't take care of himself,
oh will, no harm of being good .


Now that's what I call manner!,
you should teach " the best Mom ever " a thing or two .


Hi!, why are you spying on PROF.ELM,
he's an old guy you know ,
nothing to get from him.


I'm looking at your silly hair cut.


Oh you pervert! you wait I'm going to tell ELM about you !!.


mmmmm! you sure smell better than that nasty OAK
by the way there's a pervert spying on you!.


Oh man you're the best I just know you
and you already giving me a gift,
you're the man.


Sure thing PROF.


Oh cool a blue crocodile!.


Oh ya, I get to use things from Harry Potter...

That's it guys
I know it's short but it's my first

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Last edited by Klippy; September 10th, 2010 at 10:11 PM.
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  #2    
Old July 28th, 2010, 07:08 AM
Binary's Avatar
Binary
え?
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Age: 20
It's nice for a first LP. You need to take more care of your grammar/punctuation.
It wasn't entirely funny, but it was amusing.
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  #3    
Old July 28th, 2010, 09:00 AM
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Kevin
kevin del rey
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Virginia
Age: 15
Gender: Male
It's alright for your first LP. Like Binary said; fix grammar/punctuation. It wasn't really funny, but the again I don't laugh a whole lot. =P
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  #4    
Old July 28th, 2010, 09:35 AM
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thanks guys I'll try to fix it .
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  #5    
Old July 29th, 2010, 05:05 AM
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Amusing, as it is, the grammar really puts it off. @_@
Good luck on this. :D
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  #6    
Old July 30th, 2010, 12:51 AM
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Okay I tried to fix it , I can't belive the grammar error I had .
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  #7    
Old August 14th, 2010, 06:58 AM
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cloud_felipe
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Age: 21
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Nature: Bold
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mm good locky for this! I hope to play soon
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  #8    
Old August 15th, 2010, 08:06 AM
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Resultz
All- round Poke-Whizz
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Yorkshire, England
Gender: Male
tbh its a bit 'meh'

one thing that really puts me off is the overuse of '?' and '!'
i mean why use 3 where one is necessary?
also why the space in between?

look at my pokemon !!!
or
look at my pokemon!


what is a pokemon ???
or
what is a pokemon?

be honest which looks better?
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  #9    
Old September 11th, 2010, 04:11 PM
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*Minun*
Loves ponies, hates phonies
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Western Australia
Gender: Male
Nature: Quiet
I really like this LP! It's the best I've seen in quite a while!

I look forward to reading more.

Also, thanks for not being dumb with your rival and just calling him "Gay" or something ans then through the rest of the LP go "LOLOLOL you are gay you gay ur name sez gay so ur gay!" You're actually doing the rival funnily.
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  #10    
Old September 12th, 2010, 06:46 AM
professional
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Resultz View Post
tbh its a bit 'meh'

one thing that really puts me off is the overuse of '?' and '!'
i mean why use 3 where one is necessary?
also why the space in between?

look at my pokemon !!!
or
look at my pokemon!


what is a pokemon ???
or
what is a pokemon?

be honest which looks better?
Fixed!
The second one looks better
thanks for the comment it really helped

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Minun* View Post
I really like this LP! It's the best I've seen in quite a while!

I look forward to reading more.

Also, thanks for not being dumb with your rival and just calling him "Gay" or something ans then through the rest of the LP go "LOLOLOL you are gay you gay ur name sez gay so ur gay!" You're actually doing the rival funnily.
Thanks, I'll try to make another one soon ..
P.S : I really don't see a point in calling your rival a Gay
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  #11    
Old September 17th, 2010, 11:58 AM
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Disrupter
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Gender: Male
Great LP, I'll be starting mines soon. Hope you check it out.
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  #12    
Old September 20th, 2010, 05:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Disrupter View Post
Great LP, I'll be starting mines soon. Hope you check it out.
I'm looking forward to see your LP
I'm sure it will be better than mine ..
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