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  #1    
Old May 10th, 2013 (08:05 PM). Edited May 10th, 2013 by Shaturu711.
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Shaturu711 Shaturu711 is offline
 
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Hi PC, this is gonna be my first time posting here, I guess?

So I'm going to be writing a story about a kid's adventure(The protagonist is Cain, and his brother is Dale. Both Cain and Dale have no father. Their father went missing 3 years ago, and rumor has it he was dead.) in the Galen Region, which is a region in the Pokemon World. The story takes place about 70 years after the events of B2 and W2, and Galen is located a long way below Unova, essentially quite isolated from the other regions. I will do this story Chapter by Chapter, and will try to update it frequently if time permits, maybe once a week? And, please don't be afraid to voice out your opinion! Okay... Here goes!

How I would make the next chapter would be based on how you guys want it to be, and because I'm not terribly good at writing, feedback on my writing would be very much appreciated. Thanks, guys!

Chapter 1: Blast off!

"How are our plans going?" "Sir, we have yet to capture the subjec-" "Silence! I want the subject right here in four days. We need him as an incentive. I don't have to pull the trigger yet, I suppose?" The hooded man walked out of the room, shooting a bullet that struck the side of the man's ear. No one disobeyed his orders. No one.

Cain could feel the breeze blowing, as the pale blue sky hovered overhead. Streaks of gay sunlight flooded his room, as the alarm clock burst into life, "Ring! Ring! Ring!" "Ugh.." Cain mumbled as he pulled his hand from under the bed sheet covers, and with great effort, managed to throw the alarm clock on the floor as he got out of bed, in a daze. He was never fond of alarm clocks, and he usually didn't even wake up when the alarm clock rang. But today was different, today was his 12the birthday, and he was going to get something important, something that would change his life. He was going to get a mystical creature known as Pokemon.

Outside, he saw his twin brother, Dale , run towards the Pokemon Lab, occasionally stopping to catch his breath. Cain looked as his brother's exhausted sight and chuckled in amusement. Sometimes it didn't hurt to be a sprinter , Cain thought.

"Tsk tsk tsk. Brother, I thought you were faster. Tough luck, eh?" Cain gave his brother a friendly punch as they raced together to the Pokemon Lab as laughter filled the air. The world was now fully awake, and the start of their journey had begun.

"What in the name of Arceus is this? It's just my luck..." Cain muttered to Dale as he stood in front of the Pokemon Lab. He couldn't even squeeze his way in- there we too many people as beads of sweat trickled down his forehead. He looked enviously as trainer after trainer walked out of the Lab carrying the Pokedex he was all too familiar with, as well as the essential Pokeball and a few Potions. Beside them, the Trainers walked with all kinds of Pokemon- Oshawott, Turtwig, Cyndaquil...

*********************************************************************

"Boys, you're here for a Pokemon, I suppose?" The professor was what many called him, though he was actually Professor Damien Frankinson, but no one bothered to remember that, but Cain and Dale made it a point to remember his name today even though it was awfully long. The professor seemed to be in a foul mood today, probably because of all the impatient trainers wanting their own Pokemon. He glanced at the duo for a moment, before showing them to a tray of Pokeballs, not once lifting his eyes of his notes. "Dale, you can pick first, I suppose? Oops, I'm so sorry, Professor Damien!" Cain said as he hurriedly proceeded to bend down and take his Identification Card. The professor looked down out of curiosity, and in that very moment, he took the card before Cain did, and studied it with great interest.
"Cain... Cain... Arceus, it couldn't be, no... But there's no mistaking that face... Could it be...?" "Professor Damien, are you all right?" Cain looked at the Professor strangely. "Yes.. Yes.. Couldn't be better!" The professor said as he forced a smile and returned Cain's card to him. His mood seemed to have suddenly changed, and Cain and Dale soon were more at ease with the old man. "Okay, these are your choices as Starter Pokemon, which is the Pokemon that will accompany you for the rest of your journey. Starting off, this Pokeball contains Bulbasaur, this one contains Charmander, this one contains...."

Very soon the duo had made their choices- Dale had decided on a Totodile while Cain and decided on a Bulbasaur. "All right, here is your Pokedex, your Pokeballs, some Potions, and you're off!" The professor said as the two energetic trainers thanked the professor and sprinted out of the lab. "That was awesome! Dale, we'll have to go separate ways now. Take care!" "You too, Cain! Don't trip up, and I'm sure we'll meet again soon!" The brothers embraced each other in a hug, and started to walk separate ways.

Meanwhile, the Professor urgently pressed a hidden brown button underneath an ordinary looking plant pot. He shut the lab doors shut as the ground rumbled. A stone tile moved, revealing a stairway as the Professor walked in...

TO BE CONTINUED...
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  #2    
Old May 15th, 2013 (09:34 PM).
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Nolafus Nolafus is offline
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Alright, a nice little story you have going on here. I thought the story opened up nicely although there are a few formatting and grammar mistakes:

Quote:
"How are our plans going?" "Sir, we have yet to capture the subjec-" "Silence! I want the subject right here in four days. We need him as an incentive. I don't have to pull the trigger yet, I suppose?" The hooded man walked out of the room, shooting a bullet that struck the side of the man's ear. No one disobeyed his orders. No one.
First of all, whenever different characters are talking it's important to start a new line between each characters' dialogue. To give an example this segment right above this will magically transform into this:

"How are our plans going?"

"Sir, we have yet to capture the subjec-"

"Silence! I want the subject right here in four days. We need him as an incentive. I don't have to pull the trigger yet, I suppose?" The hooded man walked out of the room, shooting a bullet that struck the side of the man's ear.

No one disobeyed his orders. No one.

This way it is much easier to tell when someone else is talking. I got lost in the beginning and couldn't tell who was talking so I think that this will solve the problem.

Quote:
He was never fond of alarm clocks, and he usually didn't even wake up when the alarm clock rang. But today was different, today was his 12the birthday, and he was going to get something important, something that would change his life.
A couple of things here. The first thing I noticed was that you started the second sentence with a "But". I would recommend switching the period in front of "But" and the comma after "different" so that it looks like this:

...he usually didn't even wake up when the alarm clock rang, but today was different. Today was his...

Another thing is that you accidentally put an extra "e" after 12th so it looked like 12the.

Quote:
Outside, he saw his twin brother, Dale , run towards the Pokemon Lab, occasionally stopping to catch his breath.
Running, not run.

Quote:
Cain looked as his brother's exhausted sight and chuckled in amusement. Sometimes it didn't hurt to be a sprinter , Cain thought.
This sentence is a little awkward. I would recommend changing it to something along the lines of this:

Cain looked at his brother, bent over gasping for air, and chuckled in amusement.

Quote:
He couldn't even squeeze his way in- there we too many people as beads of sweat trickled down his forehead.
I think the we is supposed to be were.

That's all I could find grammar wise. I would be careful with some of your sentences though. Some of them are really close to being run-on sentences and could be considered to be some to some people. Grammar isn't my forte so I might have missed a couple things, or a lot of things, so give your story another read through and don't be afraid to change some of it.

All in all I really enjoyed your story. It grabbed my attention early on, but I will warn you about creating a story about an original trainer. Try not to make the story line closely resemble the games. It's a mistake that some people make and it makes the story boring and predictable. I don't have much critique for the story line and it all seems to make sense except for that beginning bit with the man getting his ear blown off, but I expect to learn more about that later on in the story so I wouldn't get rid of it. A good start to a story and you can be sure I'll be checking up on it periodically to see what kind of progress has been made. I'm interested on how this will turn out!
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