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Old July 23rd, 2013, 12:53 PM
Lamp's Avatar
Lamp
Show me your Moves! :P
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: In the Toolshed with Manchu...
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
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Author Notes:
Hi there! This is my First Fan Fic so Please Understand! also this is rated 14+ so you know what that Means! ehhh! so Lets get to it! :D also i hope you enjoy reading these Chapters!

Chapter 1 "The Beginning of a Quest"
Narrator: There was a Peaceful City named Metropolis City that had People Enjoying their lives but One Fateful Day, A Evil Doctor Appeared and Took Control of the City with his Evil Robot Army Right by His Side but then a Hero Appeared, His name was Shadow The Hedgehog! and He is the Ultimate Life Form but Can he save his City? Find out when it comes out in: January,12,2014!
Shadow: Lame! What is this? Twilight!? because that is a Bull Sh*t Idea!
Director: How is it Lame!? They have all the Cool Weapons that you looked so Bad A** With. By the Way, Twilight is About Love Between a Vampi--
Shadow: No! Don't tell me! Its Horrible!
Director: Then would you be so kind and Work on this Project! Pretty Please!
Shadow: Nope! and what have you been Smoking? like Seriously!
Director: BROOKLYN RAGE!!!
Shadow: What the F***! Were not in Brooklyn, You Old Bag of Fart! By the way, I Quit so I'm Out!
Director: No No! Please No! No wait.... I'll hire a New Actor!
Shadow: ya Good Luck with that! Idiot!
*Shadow Walks out*
Shadow: Hmm. I wonder if there is anything Stronger than the Chaos Emeralds?
Amy: Soniiiiiiiiiiiiic! Where Are you? because Were gonna get Married!
Shadow: Shut Up Amy! geez you are more Annoying than Omochao!
Amy: Hey! I'm Not More Annoying than Omochao! Take that Back!
Shadow: Pfft! I don't even have to Deal With this Nonsense! since i can Beat you Any time! Anywhere!
Amy: Oh really! then how about a Fight to see who's Stronger!?
Shadow: Alright Amy! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
*Shadow Charges his Chaos Sphere while Amy Pulls out her Hammer*
Shadow: Lets Do th--
*Missiles Fired At Skyscrapers*
Shadow: What the...
Amy: Shadow? What's Going on?
Shadow: How Would i Know!?
*Skyscraper is About to Collapse on Amy*
Shadow: Amy! Look Out!
*Amy turns*
Amy: Oh No. It seems like I'm Gonna Die without Marrying Sonic.
Shadow: Oh Screw This! Amy!
*Shadow Fires his Charged Chaos Sphere at the Skyscraper*
Amy: Shadow? Why did you save me? is it because you like me?
*Shadow Laughs really Hard*
Shadow: I only saved you because i need some one to help me Find the Master Mind that's Behind All of these Attacks. not because I liked you! Haha! That is Something that I'll never do.
Amy: Wait Why do you want to save this City? oh wait...is it because your still apart of G.U.N!?
Shadow: Wow. did you just say that!? No because Sooner or Later i'm gonna be Pushed into this Mess! and Plus i stopped working for them from Long Time Ago. After that Iblis Crap!
Amy: Tell me about it. Wait i need to get Sonic Back for Kissing Elise that Son of a B*tch!
Shadow: Anyways i'm gonna go on top of the Railways to Find Clues!
Amy: Wait! Don't Forget about me!
*12 minutes later*
Shadow: Alright were here! Now where could they be Coming From? wait... i'll jump onto those Buildin--
*A Blimp Appears with a Monitor Attached to it*
Shadow: What the...
Amy: umm Shadow, why is there a Blimp?
Shadow: Amy, that's what i wanna Find Out!
*Monitor turns on*
Shadow: Umm why is there a Video of a Monkey peeing in its Mouth on?
*A Person Appears on the Screen*
Dr.Jenkins: Hi there Everyone of Metropolis City! My Name is Dr. Link Jenkins but call me Dr.Jenkins.
Everyone: Hi Dr.Jenkins!
Random Guy: Hi you!
Random Girl: Join the Darkside!
Dr.Jenkins: Well Anyways, I'm here to Take over the Universe so i thought to myself why not try taking over a City like this! so then i can Build up my own Empire but all i ask is: Do you accept my Agreement for taking over this City? if no then Bye Bye City! Muhahahahaha!
Shadow: I hate it when People Try to Laugh Maniacal!
Dr.Jenkins: Who the Hell Said that!?
Shadow: Me! you Butt Munch!
Dr.Jenkins: I see Tough guy! eh! well I'll Congratulate you! for being Luck that I'm not here! but Tough Guy, what's your Name?
Shadow: The Name's Shadow the Hedgehog!
Dr.Jenkins: Ohhh i see. So your the ultimate Life Form! i see well Shadow, do you wanna Save this City?
Amy: Wait Shadow! Dr.Henkins might Kill you!
Shadow: Amy, Dr.Henkins Will be the one to be Killed first! but let's Hope he Puts up a Better Fight than Eggman because Dr.henkins is Rip-off so i don't know.
Dr.Jenkins: It's Dr.Jenkins!? You Jacka**! anyways so do you wanna save this City?
Amy: What Happens if he doesn't?
Shadow: No! Amy!!
Dr.Jenkins: then this Happens.
*Dr.Jenkins Pressed a button*
*In a building*
Random Guy: Guys, Jovi is a B*tch!
Random Guy 2: I know Right! wait what's that Beeping Sound?
Random Guy 3:What the F***!?
*Building Explodes*
*on the railway*
Shadow: Dang it! Amy, Why did you ask him!?
Amy: because I wanted to know!
Shadow: *Facepalm* He's A Evil Master mind what would you expect him to do!?
Amy: Marry Sonic!
Shadow: What!? No you're full of crap! I'll Pull the Trigger!
Amy: What trigger?
Shadow: RAGHHHHH! Ok i calmed down!
Dr.Jenkins:Good! Now do you want to save this City?
Shadow: Yeah! Fine! Whatever!
Dr.Jenkins: Well then i'll change the City Agreement to this Planet! Now i need you to fetch me 8 of the Super Emeralds!
*Sonic Comes up the railway*
Sonic: hey Guys! What did i Miss?
Amy: Soniiic! Were gonna get married!
Sonic: Nooo! Amy Not now!
Shadow: What Now you come!? I'm on a Serious Quest here!
Sonic: for what?
Shadow:For something called the Super Emeralds!
Sonic: Why?
Shadow: Ask Dr. Henkins.
Dr.Jenkins: Its Dr.Jenkins! and me and Shadow made an Agreement that if Shadow gives me 8 of the Super Emeralds then i won't Blow up this Planet.
Sonic: Wait don't you have a Robot Army?
Dr.Jenkins: Umm Something happened to most of them...
Shadow: What's so good about these Super Emeralds?
Sonic: Super Emeralds are way More Stronger than Chaos Emeralds!
Shadow: Yes! Something Even More Powerful than Chaos Emeralds! On Second Thought Doctor, I wanna kill you First!
Dr.Jenkins: you know Shadow i wanna Kill you too now! wait I just realized that there was a Blue Hedgehog! What's your Name?
Sonic: Sonic the Hedgehog!
Dr.Jenkins: The Fastest Thing Alive! Alright then Sonic why don't you go Search for the 8 Super Emeralds for me?
Sonic: Never!
Dr.Jenkins: so you wanna Join Shadow! eh? well then i'll have to Kill you both! By the way I have 6 of the chaos Emeralds! so don't even try to search for all of them!
Shadow and Sonic: Fine!
Dr.Jenkins: Ok thanks Bye Bye!
*Blimp Leaves*
Everyone: Goodbye Dr.Jenkins!
Random Guy: I love you...
Random Girl: Shut the Hell up Ted!
Shadow:Alright! I'm Going!
Sonic: Shadow, No you can't Go By Yourself!
Amy: ya Shadow!
Shadow: Sorry but i'm Still Going!
Sonic and Amy: Pleeeassse!
Shadow: Fine! but don't be a nuisance while were on A Quest!
Sonic and Amy: Alright!
Shadow: better catch up or I'll Leave you all!
Sonic and Amy: Hey! No fair Shadow!
*At Lush green Zone*
Shadow: Alright! This is Lush green Zone i bet! so don't Fall for traps!
Sonic: Sure!
Amy: Okay! ooh A Treasure Chest!
Sonic and Shadow: No! Amy!
*Amy opens it*
Amy: umm is anything insid--
*A Robotic Evil Clown on a Spring Appears*
Amy: AHHHHHHHH!
Shadow: Hahahahaha!
Sonic: Shadow!
Shadow:Fine!
*A Giant robot Appears with a Monitor on its Chest*
Shadow: Oh god. Don't tell me it's him Already!
Sonic: I think it is him.
Amy: Who's him?
*Monitor Turns on and Dr.Jenkins Appears on the Screen*
Dr.Jenkins: Hi Everyone! by the way, I laughed at Pinkie at that part when she opened that Fake Treasure Chest!
Shadow: I know Right! hahahahahaha!
Sonic: Shadow! and Dr. Jenkins!
Amy: i hate you! and My name is Amy!
Dr.Jenkins: Shut Up Pinkie! also Never! and now what i want to say is: DIE BY MY ROBOT NAMED R-21 GAMMAROID!!!! SHADOW!!
*The Monitor Turns off*
Shadow: Ok, Come at me Bro!
Sonic: Ya! let's Do this!
Amy: Ya I'm Angry!
*Little Robots come out of Gammaroid*
Shadow: He can Spawn Robots too!?
Amy: Where does it Come from?
Sonic: Oh Amy. You will understand when your older.
Amy: ummm ok?
*Meanwhile at Dr.Jenkins Laboratory*
Dr.Jenkins: Hmm. so it seems like Shadows gang are Holding up but not for long! hehe. They have been Given a Special Energy so they'll have to Die Sooner or Later.
Commander Kloff: Sir, We Found one Super Emerald in Lost valley.
Dr.Jenkins: Good Kloff! Now bring it in!
Commander Kloff: Sir, our mens and Robots are getting to it.
Dr.Jenkins:Good! Now Kloff can you get me my Coffee?
Commander Kloff: Sir, Were kinda Broke so we don't have Coffee but we have some Kool Aid Jammers!
Dr.Jenkins: Fine but get me Grape Flavour!
Commander Kloff: Sure!
*Now at our heroes*
Shadow: Oh my God! This is Gonna get Really Repetitive!
Sonic: Totally!
Amy: guys, i feel Dizzy!
*Amy collapsed on the Ground*
Shadow and Sonic: Amy!!
Sonic: I'll go get her.
*Sonic runs to Amy*
*Gammaroid pulls out a Minigun*
Shadow: Oh no. That's a Minigun. Sonic Watch out!!
Gammaroid: DIE!! You Stupid hedgehog!
*Shadow Pulls out a Chaos Emerald*
Shadow:CHAOS CONTROL!!
*Shadow saves Both Amy and Sonic*
Sonic: Shadow? you had a Chaos Emerald This Whole time!?
Shadow: Well the doc said "6 Chaos Emeralds"
Sonic: well ya but Why didn't you use it in the First Place!?
Shadow: Why Should i Waste it's Power on Something that's As useless as Amy?
Sonic: Shadow, Take that Back! Admit it! that she has Some use to you because then why would you Save her?
Shadow:because it felt tempting!
Sonic: You Okay there?
Shadow: Yeah Whatever. Besides shouldn't we Take down Gammaroid First?
Sonic: Yeah!
Shadow: Let's go!
Sonic: Sure!
*Sonic and Shadow Create a Whirlwind Attack*
Shadow: Now Sonic do your Homing Attack on the Back of Gammaroid while i Charge my Chaos Beam!
Sonic: Sure!
*Sonic did his Homing Attack on the Back of Gammaroid Pushing it Close to the Fully Charged Chaos Beam then Shadow Fired it*
Shadow and Sonic: We Did it!
*Gammaroid got Demolished into Pieces but his Energy Tank Ejected out of his Chest Before he got Destroyed*
Shadow: What's That?
Sonic: i don't know but let's see Anyways!
*Shadow Catches the Energy tank*
Sonic: Let's Open it.
Shadow: Whatever.
*Energy in the Energy tank Glows*
Sonic: What the... Wait Shadow See this!
Shadow: What?
Sonic: it's Glowing!
Shadow: Hmm. That's Weird. It Must be reacting to Something.
Sonic: I think it's your Chaos Emerald. Lets see what happens when we put them Together!
*Sonic Takes the Chaos Emerald from Shadow*
Shadow: Hey! Sonic Give that Back!
Sonic: i just need to do Something Real Quick!
*The Energy got Pulled into the Chaos Emerald*
Sonic and Shadow: What the...
Sonic: I think it made the Chaos Emerald have more Power.
Shadow: No Sh*t Sherlock. I see that Tree up ahead let's Sleep there Tonight.
Sonic: Wait who sleeps under a tree?
Shadow: me.... Anyways Lets Sleep Under it since we have no where to go.
Sonic: Sure!
Shadow: Alright! Bring Amy!
Sonic: yeah!
*And so they all Slept Under that Tree but What will Happen to them? well That's All Folks! Also Eat your Pinki-Os Kids! They Are Amylicious or ELSE!*

Last edited by Lamp; July 24th, 2013 at 06:17 AM.
  #2    
Old July 24th, 2013, 10:08 AM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Aside from writing out "you" instead of using "u", there doesn't seem to be enough changes to show an improvement. Right in your first sentence alone
Quote:
There was a Peaceful City named Metropolis City that had People Enjoying their lives but One Fateful Day, A Evil Doctor Appeared and Took Control of the City with his Evil Robot Army Right by His Side but then a Hero Appeared, His name was Shadow The Hedgehog!
you have words capitalized that don't need to be in a sentence that is much longer than it should be. The sentence could look like
Quote:
There was a peaceful city name Metropolis City, where people enjoyed their lives. One fateful day, an evil doctor appeared and took control of the city. His evil robot army was by his side. But then a hero appeared. His name was Shadow the Hedgehog!
There's also the problem that this is still a script fic missing narration between the dialogue. Instead of just saying *12 minutes later*, write out *Shadow and Amy ran for twelve minutes to the top of the railway*

While a script fic might seem easier to write because it seems like it's all dialogue, it takes some practice to get it to work.

Really take your time writing this if you want to improve your story. If there's anything you're unsure of when it comes to grammar, spelling, or any sort of writing problem, don't hesitate to ask. But for now, I'm going to have to close this again for still not complying with the script fic rule.
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