[Pokémon] Pokemon: The Legend of Zekrom and Reshiram

This is my fist FanFic so there will be mistakes and help me out a bit tell me what you want the name and gender of the friend that Drake will be traveling with. Thanks.

~PixelationGamez

*Classic Pokemon Music Plays in the Back Round*

NARATOR: "This is Drake a 13 year old boy from the town of Opelucid City. Drake and his newly found partner are about to start there adventure to become the champion of Unova."




--Opelucid City Drake's House 8:29 am 2 hours 1 minute until train leaves the station--

*Alarm numbers change to 8:30 am* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

*Drake wakes up* "Dang it, i'm gonna be late for the train." said Drake. *Drake runs down stairs* Drake: "Bye mom…" Mom: "Wait!" *Drake comes to a halt* Mom: "Give your mom a hug." *Drake walks over with a completely straight face* *Mom hugs Drake* Drake: "Ok I got to go…" Mom: "Wait… One more thing Prof. Redwood wanted to see you." Drake: "Ok I'll swing by and see what he wants." Mom: "Have a nice trip and stay safe and don't forget to change your underwear!" Drake: "Bye mom." *Drake runs out and shuts door*


--Opelucid City Prof. Redwood's Lab 9:18 am 1 hour 22 minutes until train leaves the station--

*Drake opens the door* Prof. Redwood: "Oh, Drake, you're here!" *A Riolu jump kicks the Professors face and starts running around knocking stuff over* Drake: "Professor are you ok!" *Drake helps him up* Prof. Redwood: "I'm fine, thank you, do mind helping catch that Riolu." Drake: "Sure." *Riolu runs out of the lab and runs towards the shops and Drake Pursues Riolu* Drake: "Come back!" *Riolu smirks and wrecks all the stands* Shop Owner: "You… You… Machoke use karate chop!" *Riolu Dodges Machokes attack jumps on his arm and uses force palm near face* Machoke: "Macho-o-o-k-k-k-e-e-e." Drake: "I'm very sorry sir." *Drake continues to pursue* *Riolu runs thru the rest of the shops causing havoc* Shopper #1: "Ow!" Shopper #2: "Hey!" Shopper #3: "My Food!" *Riolu runs thru forest* Drake: "When I get my hands on you!" *Riolu smirks and keeps running* *Riolu runs into a swarm of Patrat and the Patrat aren't very happy about it* *The swarm of Patrat all tackle Riolu* *Riolu trys to fight back but there is to many of them* Drake: "Leave him alone!" *Drake starts throwing bunches of sticks and rocks at all the Patrat* *The Patrat run off* Drake: "Yeah you better run!" *Drake does a little victory dance* *Drake looks behind him and there is a big Ursaring right in front of him* *Drake grabs Riolu and sprints out of there while there is a Ursaring chasing them* Drake: "Are you ok?" Riolu: "…Ri…" *Drake loses the Ursaring* Drake: "I need to get you to a PC quick!" *Drake runs out of the forest and gets to a pokemon center* Drake: "Nurse Joy this Riolu needs immediate medical attention he is severely hurt!" Nurse Joy: "Hurry bring him over here!"*Drake lays Riolu on the gurney and Nurse Joy pushes him into the emergency room*

--Opelucid City PC 10:00 am 30 minutes before train leaves station--

*Drake waits in the room for over 25 minutes waiting for them to find out if Riolu is ok*
*Ding* Nurse Joy: "I'm happy to say that this Riolu is in perfect health and is ready to go." Drake: "Thank you. Are you gonna be good now Riolu." *Riolu Shakes his head in a yes motion* Drake: "Good" *They both walk back to the lab* Drake: "Professor… I got Riolu..." *Drake finds a note on the table saying* Note: "Dear Drake, If you are reading this you probably found Riolu if you didn't its fine and thank you for trying but if you did you can keep him well if your up to it and if Riolu is up to it. I left his pokeball on the table. Good Luck, Prof. Redwood." Drake: Well… What do you say Riolu…" *Riolu nodes head yes then jumps* Riolu: "Ri-i-i!" Drake: "Great! Hmm… What should I name you… how about… Crimson!" *Riolu nodes head yes* Drake: Good, Crimson it is… Wait… The… The…The Train…"

NARATOR: "Well that's the end of this Episode see you next time."

Hope you liked it. :D

This is a [Pokemon] FanFic I hit the wrong one when I posted it.

Welcome I hope you liked the first one cause here's the second one.






NARATOR: "Last we left Drake and Crimson they were trying to catch a train that's was about to leave the station… will they make it?"


--Opelucid City 10:26 am, Train Station, 4 minutes before the train leaves--

Drake: "Speed up Crimson or were gonna be late!" Crimson: "Riu" Train Conductor: "Al-l-l aboard!" Drake: "Wait! Wait for us!." *Train starts up* *The Conductor closes the trains doors* Drake: "Wai-t-t-t-t-t!" *Train leaves the station* Drake: "Dang it!" *Drake walks over to the bench and sits down and notices that someone else missed the train* Drake: (Wonder who she is …) *Drake walks over to her* Drake: "Did you miss the train to?" ???: "Yes… Who are you?" Drake: I'm Drake and this is Crimson nice to meet you. And your name?" Ashley: "It's Ashley… and nice to meet you to." Drake: "Whats wrong your not in such a cheerful mood?" Ashley: "My Buneary was stolen by these people with a big R on there chest!" Drake: "Do you know where they went?" Ashley: "Yeah they went that way." *Drake grabs Ashley's hand and pulls her the way see pointed* Ashley: "What are you doing!?" Drake: "We're gonna go get your Buneary back."
Ashley: "Ok… But why are you helping me?" Drake: "You looked like you needed help and there crooks they stole your Pokémon without any guilt… and me and Crimson need some training. So win,win."


--Opelucid City 10:26, Secret Team Rocket Base--

*Drake , Ashley ,and Crimson hide in a nearby bush* Drake: "On my mark we'll jump out and tackle those guard, Got it." Ashley: "Got it." Drake: "Mark!" Team Rocket Grunt: "Did you hear someone say my name?" *They jump on top of the grunts knocking over and unconcense* Drake: "Come on!" *ALARM GOES OFF* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* Team Rocket Grunt#1: "Go, Golbat use Hyper Fang!" Team Rocket Grunt#2: "Go , Mightyena use Bite!" Drake: "Crimson , Counter on Golbat! Then Force Palm on Mightyena! *Crimson Uses Force palm on right before Mightyena lands his attack and on him, MIghtyena faints, and then Golbat uses Hyper fang and Riolu wasn't fast enough and got hit* Drake: "Riolu you can do it use copycat on Golbat then fling him to the ground!" *Crimson Follows the command, Golbat Faints* *Drake runs up and punches the Grunts and so does Ashley* Drake: "Good job Crimson." Ashley: "Cotton where are you! Cotton!" *Cotton Hears Ashley and jumps out of the grunts hand* Team Rocket Grunt: "Hey!" Ashley: "Cotton! I was so worried!" Cotton: "Bun…" Drake: "Ashley , We got to go!" Ashley: "Ok, come on Cotton."






--Opelucid City 11:47, PC--

*DING* Nurse Joy: "I'm glad to say that your Buneary and Riolu are in perfect shape." Drake and Ashley: "Thank you." Drake: "So where are you headed?"
Ashley:"I'm heading to Icirrus City." Drake: "I'm heading the same way I'm going to challenge the gym there." Ashley: "Well then its settled I'll go with you on your journey!" Drake: " Wait… What?" Ashley: "Why not it would be fun?" Drake: "OK but were gonna get in trouble.." Ashley: "I don't care I eat trouble for breakfast!"
Drake: "Well… There's gonna be danger!" Ashley: "I eat that for breakfast to!"
*They slowly start walking into route 9 continuing the conversation*

NARATOR: "That's the end of this episode and stay tuned for 3!"

Hey, so I decided to check out your fic real quick and thought I should give you some pointers!

First thing I want to mention is your fic is really hard to read because you have a lot of the text together in one big paragraph. Seems you're going somewhat like a script fic, so you should seperate the dialogue into several paragraphs. For instance:

*Drake wakes up* "Dang it, i'm gonna be late for the train." said Drake. *Drake runs down stairs* Drake: "Bye mom…" Mom: "Wait!" *Drake comes to a halt* Mom: "Give your mom a hug." *Drake walks over with a completely straight face* *Mom hugs Drake* Drake: "Ok I got to go…" Mom: "Wait… One more thing Prof. Redwood wanted to see you." Drake: "Ok I'll swing by and see what he wants." Mom: "Have a nice trip and stay safe and don't forget to change your underwear!" Drake: "Bye mom." *Drake runs out and shuts door*

Click to expand...

Could be separated like this (under spoilers: )



While there's nothing wrong with writing script fic, personally I would recommend writing in prose and write a bit more detail. You have some dialouge and actions already written out, so in prose form it would look like this (with a few additions of mine,again spoilers):

Notice how I kept some of your actions ("Drake walks over with a comeplety straight face", for instance). Even with the switch to prose, there are some details you can add here and there. One example is after Drake wakes up he scrambles to pack some things and change clothes. One other example is Drake's reaction to when his mother mentions underwear.

You can also benefit from setting up your scenes. This is harder to explain, but think of it as setting up a stage of a play. For example, in the first chapter you have Drake waiting for Riolu to recover. You know how in a lot of hospital scenes in movies and shows you have the visitor looking around how the other people inside the room are doing? You can point out how Drake kept checking the clock often and notice the other trainers waiting as anxiously as him. Hope this makes sense.

Onto the overall story so far, seems it'll be a typical Pokemon journey although I thought the scene with Drake first interactions with Riolu was fun. I do wonder though why you have Team Rocket in Unova and not Team Plasma. Like the very first beginning scene I pointed out, if you write the story in prose from I think you'll be able to expand the Riolu chase scene and the Team Rocket scene greatly. You do have the dialogue and actions set up, it's only a matter of adding some details like reactions here and there, and also setting up your scenes better.

So sorry if this is a lot to take in. I do think your story has potential, I just thought I would point out how you can make your writing stronger. If there's something you don't understand, don't hesistate to ask. I wish you luck!

Thank you for being honest i'll try to improve in those areas.