[Pokémon] Dayon

Hello guys! This is my first attempt at making a fic, so please tell me if there's anything you think i could do better. also, i'm not a native english speaker, so tell me if there are any mistakes in grammar or spelling.
in this chapter, there's not much action, i just wanted to describe the world of Dayon, which is the region in which the characters live in. also, here's a quick description of the main character, Karki, so you can understand some things of the text:

"A 17-year-old Teenager, Karki is a serious and quiet individual. In fact, he almost never smiles, and never starts a conversation with anyone, so people generally avoid him, some even fear him. he's 1.80 meters tall(sorry, i don't know how to measure feet), has slightly tanned white skin, black hair, yellow eyes, and is well-built due to exercises. He has a laid-back father, who is basically the opposite of him. He rarely ever speaks, but has a hyperactive mind, and is very intelligent."
well, now this is the real thing:

Dayon, Chapter 1: A new dawn.
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The sun was rising. The sky was a mix of pink and orange. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What a beautiful Monday. " I thought. I stood up, had a quick shower and dressed myself. I went downstairs and found my dad having a cup of coffee.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hey there, Karki." He said.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Morning, dad." He sat on a chair, and looked at me, with a serious expression on his face.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What?" I ask him.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Son, you're already 17, almost an adult. Do you have any idea of what you want to do with your life? You're doing well at school, but you never showed any interest in any specific job." Replied him. Quite strange for my dad to talk about serious things, though.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Have any suggestions?" "Well, what about being a Trainer? It's a high-risk, high-reward work."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Heh. A trainer, huh? Well, in fact, it may not be that bad. Who knows?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Of course, maybe a lazy ass like you won't be able to be a trainer." Said him, a wide grin covering his face. He is always like that. The funny thing on all of this is that actually, i'm the one who wakes up early and exercises. He's just an old fat fella.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Fine. I'll grab my bag and get outta here. At least at school nobody is gonna spit lies at my face." I replied with a grunt.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Haha. Well, I was serious about the pokémon trainer thing, son. Your school will organise a trip to the Yakin Forest, so everyone on the 12th grade can catch one." He said, still grinning.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What?!" I asked, slightly amused.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I arrived at school, still wondering what this trip would be like. Our school never realized such na event, so I was curious. I was still mad at my dad, so i would catch a cool pokemon, and show him who's the lazy ass.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The classes started, as usual, and i heard some students talking about the trip.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"He wasn't joking, then." [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I thought. When we were going to the lunch, the school director, an man on his mid-forties, spoke up:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Students, as most of you should know, we'll organise a trip for the 12th grade. Please, whoever wants to take part of our little expedition, please raise a hand."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Everyone in my class wanted to go. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I wonder who here will be a trainer."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I thought.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I entered the school bus, and my teacher, Ms. Ann, gave me 5 pokéballs.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Here, Karki. You catch pokémon with these. They'll provide you with more information when you arrive."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Thanks, ma'am." I replied.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I entered, and the bus was almost full. At the back of it, however, there were two unnocupied seats. I sat at the window one. Then, one of the students ran into the bus. She was the last one to arrive, and the doors quicly closed after she got on. She looked for a seat, and found out she would have to sit next to me. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She was terrified.[/FONT]

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I hope you liked it! i will try putting more text and info on the next chapter.

okay, then guys. chapter 2 is up! before , however, lemme explain one thing. just like in the anime, low-level and wild pokémon may have moves that they just learn later on, or that they just learn by TM, but don't worry, i won't abuse it. also, all pokémon in Yakin forest are level 5.
well, then, here it is:

[FONT=&quot]Chapter 2: Partner[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Her name is Sarah. About 4 or 5 inches shorter than me, although we're the same age. She's very extrovert and outgoing. But, also, she is easily scared. She has shoulder-lenght brown hair, and brown eyes also. Her skin is white, and she is always smiling. I never talked to her. She sat beside me, and said, with a barely audible voice:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hi, Karki."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hi, Sarah." I replied.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]About 30 minutes passed, and i could see she was uncorfontable. I looked at her face, and for the first time, i paid attention to it. This close, I could see she was pretty cute. Most people think i'm a bad guy, but that's not true. So, i tried starting a conversation, to make her more confortable.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"You know, I don't bite. No need to be scared." I said, trying to joke. She turned to face me, crearly surprised, and I softened my serious expression. Then, fortunately, she giggled. I gave her a faint smile, and she said:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Sorry. You're so serious and quiet at school, i thought you were bad or something."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Nah. I just don't mind being alone. I'd say I'm versatile."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The conversation continued, and she started to return to her happy go-lucky self. Some students were looking at us, trying to imagine how I could maintain a long conversation.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Okay, boys and girls, we arrived." Said the bus driver. Everyone rushed out, and me and Sarah kept on talking. Soon, we reached a large clearing in the middle of Yakin forest, and the director spoke up again:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Well, here we are. Each one of you has received 5 pokéballs. Now I'll explain the rules. One: You may only catch one pokémon, so explore a lot, and choose wisely. Two: If two or more students fight, they'll be taken out of the forest, and won't be able to catch nor take any pokémon. Three: The forest is large, so you'll explore in doubles. There are 32 of you, so there will be 16 groups. Your partner is the one that sat next to you in the bus. And last, but not least, Four: Once you and your partner catch a pokémon, and you're sure you want it, return to this clearing, and wait until the end of the expedition. It will last 5 hours, so take your time. We'll have a surprise when all of you gather here, at the end. Now go, obey the rules, and above all, have a good time!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Well, then. Shall we go?" I asked Sarah.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Sure!" She replied, smiling.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]We started exploring the forest. It was indeed big, and full of life. We saw groups of Pidgey, Rattatas, and all sorts of Bug and Normal type pokémon. Suddenly, I saw a rock coming at my direction, so i dodged it, but I ended up falling on the process.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hehehe, what a cute little pokémon!" said Sarah, patting the pokémon on his head. It was a small dino-like pokémon, and I automatically said its name.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Bagon. Never thought i'd see one in a forest." To this remark, however, the Bagon got angry, and bit my leg. I shook it off, and it start laughing like there's no tomorrow. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Aww, it wants to play with you!" said Sarah, laughing too. I paid more attention to the culprit. It was strangely powerful for a low-level pokémon. When i was young, a Luxray bit me, and it didn't pain this much. I knew there was something different with it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"You mind if I catch it?" I asked Sarah. Ladies first.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"No, you can go for it. It got interested in you, after all."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Okay then." I threw a pokéball at it, but it failed. It got angry again, and used its Rage attack at me. I was hit, but it wasn't as powerful as its bite. The, it tried using Headbutt, but i dodged it. It hit a nearby tree with all its might, and fainted. That headbutt was insanely powerful, as it left a huge hole in the tree. I threw another pokéball at it, and it worked.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Cool. Now i have my first pokémon. Shall we look for yours, then?" i asked her.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Let's do it!" she said, and started running. I never talked so much with anyone. This girl is quite cool, in fact. I think i have my first friend.[/FONT]
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what do you think? as you can see, bagon has 4 moves; bite, rage, headbutt and rock tomb. but why its headbutt and bite are more powerful? discover at next chapter of Dayon!

Hmm. I like the concept. Putting Pokemon into an average high school setting. Though, I do have some suggestions to make.

First, your grammar with your dialogue is mostly wrong. Dialogue in writing looks like this: "I went to the store," she said. The last sentence in quotes ends with a comma, the quotes close, and the next word, unless it is "I" or a name, is lowercase. Also, when you were writing the conversation between Karki and his dad in the first chapter, you said, "said him" a lot. Thats not grammatically correct. It would be "said he" or "he said."

Also on the subject of grammar, every use of the prefix Poke- ie, Pokemon, Pokeball, must be capitalized. The same goes for when describing a Pokemon Trainer. The "T" is generally capitalized. Apart from those things, and a couple minor spelling mistakes, your grammar is pretty decent.

However, I also have some suggestions to make with the actual story. Number one, your character descriptions are too short. If Sarah and Karki are main characters, they should have pretty well detailed character descriptions. To me, I just feel like we dont know very much about them. Also, based on Karki's original basic description, it doesnt really make sense for him to start a conversation with Sarah out of nowhere. Its very out of character.

Also, your story moves a little too fast and the events dont exactly go together very well. For example, the transition from home to school in the first chapter was very sudden. Also, take some time to describe your setting. We have no idea what Karki's house looks like, nor his classroom. Similarly, the bus was under-described and so was the forest. Im not saying take 300 words to describe it, just describe it a little more.

Lastly, the confrontation with the Bagon was very rushed. His attack was much too quick for a Bagon, and it was, though more described than the rest of the chapter, very un-described. I also feel like a teenage boy would not be able to survive very many hits from a baby Dragon. It seemed a bit unrealistic. I would also suggest taking some time to describe the events of the capture. If Bagon ends up being Karki's main Pokemon, it makes sense to give him a little more time to take being captured.

Aside from these suggestions, I like the premise of the story. I am excited to see where it goes from here.

thanks for the critics! i'll try working from there. and yeah, i did think Karki was a bit out of his character, but i put it that way to make you see that he wasn't bad or anything like that. he's just a bit shy. He was worried about Sarah being unconfortable. and it wasn't hit so much. It dodged its Rock Tomb, got hit by its bite, which was powerful. but also, i described him as being strong, so he could take it. he took the rage, but rage is generally not very powerful(20 base power). and, he dodged its headbutt.
anyway, thanks again for the suggestions, i'll put more effort on the next chapter. maybe i'll make Karki revive memories or something. i'll think about it.

[FONT=&quot]Chapter 3: Memories[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]We continued dwelling in the woods. Bagon rested on his Pokéball for about 2 hours, so I let him out. He was still tired, but could walk with us. Suddenly, it lightly pushed my pants, and started crying its name.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"What do you want?" I asked it. It continued pushing, and started jumping on my leg.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"I think he wants you to carry him," said Sarah. To this, Bagon happily nodded. I bent down, and it hopped on my hand, and then went to my shoulder.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What are you, a parrot or something?" I joked. It angrily said its name, and me and Sarah chuckled. It was a funny little Pokémon.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Sarah continued walking, inspecting every hole or root to see if she would find a Pokémon. I was following her close by, and Bagon was distracted fiddling with my hair. I started to remember the first I came to this forest...[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]We were on a holyday trip, and my mom was with us. I was 7 years old then.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]"Karkiiii, don't go too far from us!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]"Okay mommy, I just want to check out the view from that hill![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Oh, that boy is such a handful..."[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"Hey, don't mind about him. He's just adventureous, like any other kid," said my father.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"Oh, honey, I know, I'm just worried, he's our only son, and he could get los-," she was interrupted by my father, who kissed her. She deepened it, and they were completely absorbed by it until they heard a strange noise...[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"Huh? What was that?" asked my mom.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]"Nothing," said my father, trying to kiss her again.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]"No, it was strange. We need to check it out."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]"I already told you, it was nothing, Let's get back to th-," my father couldn't finish the sentence. The last thing he saw was my mother's terrified face, screaming for him to run.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When he woke up, I was running happily back to them.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Daddy,mommy, look at what I found! It's a... Huh? Dad, where's mommy? Why are you on the ground? Mom? Mom?? MOM, WHERE ARE YOU?!" said I, tears forming in my eyes.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The place was full of blood, with claw markings on the nearby trees. My dad had a big bruise on his head, and tried to confort me. But I couldn't understand she was gone. I just wanted my mother back...[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I was taken out of my memories by Bagon, who was pushing my ear. I turned to it, and it looked worried. Problably I flinched or something while reviving my memories, and it lightly cried its name.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]"I'm alright, dude. Really, it's nothing."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It wasn't nothing. It never was. Since that event, I was never the same. I never forgived my father, even though I knew he could've done nothing, since he fainted. Most of the love I knew was taken out of me. The gap is still there.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I took that out of my mind, as I didn't want to cry. I tried remembering of something nice and happy. I had some memories of Sarah. I was at that school since kindergarten...[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I remember now. She entered the school when I was 8 or 9.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hey everyone, this year we have a new friend!" cried Ms. Ann. "This is Sarah, I hope you all be good friends to her!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She happily greeted everyone and took a seat. Coming to think of it, she hasn't changed much. She has the same warm smile and soothing voice. She was wearing a white dress, with flower details on it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]On the lunch, as usual, I sat alone. She was laughing and talking to some other girls.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When the classes finished, I was going to the door, and she said:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hey, why you're always alone?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hm?" I replied.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I asked why you're always alone. I didn't see you near anyone in the lunch, and you didn't talk to anyone in the classes..." she said, seemingly woried.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"It's none of your business."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I continued walking towards the door, and she suddenly hugged me.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What's this for?!" I asked, surprised by her action.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"My dad always tell me that a good hug cures anything. Also, you shouldn't let what's ailing you overcome you like that. Riase your head, and smile!" she replied, happily.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]I came home thinking about that, but didn't quite understand it. Other than that, we didn't have any major thing happening, until now.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Now, I understand what she meant. But, it's easier said than done.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]---------------------------------------------------[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I hope you guys liked it. I tried to dwell a bit more into Karki's story.
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Chapter 4: The Prankster[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]We continued going deeper into the forest. The environment, however, started changing. The tress now were darker and gnarled, and the atmosphere was eerie. I saw groups of Poochyenas and Purrloins, and a lone Absol. Sarah tried catching it, but it ran away.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]"Brrrrr, it's getting cold!" said Sarah, rubbing her hands on her arms. She was wearing a simple short dress, so it' not a surprise she'd feel cold.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Here. Take my jacket," I said, carefully putting it on her shoulders. In this act, I brushed my hands against her shoulders, feeling her cold yet soft skin.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"Thanks... But, ain't you gonna feel cold then?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]"Nah. I don't really feel cold, nor heat. My dad always says my internal termometer is broken." I replied. She laughed.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]I checked my watch, and we still had about 2 hours, so we sat down and rested a bit. Bagon stretched, let out a big yawn, and proceeded to take a nap.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hey, I'm the one who walks and you're the one who gets tired?" said I, nudging it with my feet. It turned to other side, and continued his "oh, so difficult" task.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hehe, you two are funny together," said Sarah, looking at me with those chocolate eyes. We stared at each other for a while, until she turned her head to the other side, a faint blush on her face. I returned Bagon to his Pokéball so he could nap peacefully. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"Shall we go?" I asked her.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]"Okay."[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]A few meters ahead, she heard a noise. She inspected a nearby tree, and found nothing.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Ugh, every Pokémon we find runs away," said she, annoyed and flustered.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The moment she said that, something materialized right in front of her. It looked like a ball of gas.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Boo," said the ball, which was a Gastly.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"GAHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" screamed Sarah, running from the Pokémon. It chased her, thinking it was a game, and laughing like hell. Suddenly, it disapperead, only to posess a nearby tree, making it move around, shaking its roots and branches. That scared the hell outta Sarah.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"WAH, GO AWAY!" said she, throwing the first thing she found on her pocket. A Pokéball.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]The Gastly didn't do a thing, and so it was caught. She didn't realize what she had thrown, and went running to me. She bumped into me, and both of us fell down.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"Karkiii, protect me from that thing! Make it GO AWAY!" said she, hugging me tightly. She was on top of me, so it was a rather embarrasing position.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"Uh, you caught it, Sarah..."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What?" said she, looking around for the playful Pokémon. To her disgust, it was true.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"Oh, come on..." she said, burying her face in my chest. She quickly realized the position we were in and stood up, a deeper blush on her face now.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"Whoops." She then walked to the Pokéball, and Gastly went out of it at his will.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"GASSSSSSS-tlyyyyyyyyyy" screeched it, chasing her again.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]"AW, NOT AGAIN!" said Sarah, running in the direction of the clearing.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Oh, great, now I have to go after those two..."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I ran after them, looking to the ground to certificate i wouldn't stumble upon rocks or roots. We reached the clearing, and just a couple of duos had already returned. They had caught a Patrat, two Spearows and one Elekid. I let Bagon out, and it seemed vigorous. Sarah returned her Gastly to the Pokéball, and the director greeted us:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hello again, you two. Did you have a good time?" we nodded. "Good. Now may I check up your pokémon? We'll restore their HP, and feed them." We gave our Pokémon to him, and he put 'em on a machine, which quickly healed them. He then placed two pots on the ground, and put some Pokéfeed on both. He released them and they happily ate.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"So, would you mind telling me how you caught them?" said the director with a warm smile.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Well, Bagon threw a rock at me, and then tried Headbutting me. He hit a tree, and fainted." I said.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"He hit a tree, and fainted afterwards? That's rather unusual. What happened to the tree after the hit?" I told him about the big hole on it, and also about how owerful its bite was. He absorbed that information, and said, rubbing his beard: [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Wait a second. I'll see this right away." He went to a tent, where the teachers were having a snack, and came back with a red device. He pointed it to Bagon, and sort of scanned it. He cleared his throath, and said:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Hmm, we have a rare case here. Do you know about abilities?" He asked me, and I nodded. I know Bagon's ability is Rock Head. "So, recently, some scientists discovered some Pokémon are born with diferent abilities. This Bagon's ability is Sheer Force. That explains why his Bite and Headbutt were more powerful. Sheer Force adds power to moves that cause secondary effects, like burn, paralysis or flinching."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Great. So I have a special Pokémon. But what is that device, director?" I replied.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"It's called a Pokédex. It's a high-tech device that automatically records data of any Pokémon you see or catch, and its characteristics, such as height, weight, where it's found in Dayon and abilities. Unfortunately, these are very expensive, so they're only available to scientists and professors." Said the director, putting the Pokédex on his pocket. "Now, I suppose you're hungry too, right?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]We went to the teachers tent, and grabbed some snacks. Me and Sarah sat at one of the many benches spread around the clearing. They were arranged in a circular fashion, forming a circle between a medium-sized area, which vaguely resembled a Pokémon Tournament battlefield. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
"I wonder what the surprise is..." [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I thought.
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I hope you guys liked it. Bagon's alternate ability is his dream world's ability. I wanted to implement it to the story, but i didn't know how to put the dream world itself.
[/FONT]

I can't provide a full-length review at the moment, but I wanted to for quite some time. The formatting makes it impossible to read for me. Seeing as my eyesight is fine, I don't like the huge, bolded text. Actually, I think it's completely unnecessary. When posting a story, just keep the text as the default. Otherwise, it gets difficult to read.

Another thing is that you're posting way too fast. Usually, that's not a big deal, but the frequency of you posting is telling me that you aren't proofreading. Proofreading is a bit deal. If you don't proofread, then your story will never reach its full potential. You should spend a lot more time editing rather than actually writing. That sounds odd, but it's true. Any old fool can write, but it takes a writer to be able to edit. It's a vital skill. Take the time to sit down and read your work. Read it out loud, actually. That should help you, because if you stumble on a few words, then those words need to be changed. If something sounds awkward, it's awkward and should be changed. And after you finished a chapter, let it sit. Take a walk. Go outside. Write the next chapter, but don't post it. Take at least a day before you proofread. It gives you a fresh mind and a more objective opinion. Proofreading is probably the most underrated skill or aspect of writing most new authors tend to ignore. Don't ignore it. If you need help proofreading, you can get a beta reader from the Beta Lounge where you can pick one up. A beta reader is someone you send your story to before you post it so you can know how to fix it up.

Skimming through your story, I also see the lack of description, which someone already mentioned. For that, I suggest checking out the Writer's Resources Thread, which is for your use. There should be a section about descriptions. Remember, descriptions are like the icing on a cake. The icing is needed, or else the cake is just fancy bread. But you also have to keep in mind that too much icing makes the cake too sweet.