[Other Original] Cartoon Script: LIB

Quto · Jan 16, 2016

A long time ago, I have been developing a cartoon series using 8-bit to 32-bit video game sprites(Custom, nothing copied or stolen of course), a weird animation I've dubbed Life In Bits.

The cartoon center's around two characters, a fox and a slime named Kyd and Foetem, living in a massive digital world, tackling life problems based on the world they live in. The problems the pair face aren't really 'normal'; busting viral apparitions that plague their world, taking on various temp jobs to earn a pay-check in order to eat, pay bills and keep a life-insurance policy that will ensure their life for that when they die, they'll be immediately reborn into the world and other various odd and ends.

I have been able to amass a large group of people who have been dying to voice act in something, even if it wasn't anime, though I'm lacking artists and a writer, both departments which I am trying to make up for, though my script writing sucks. I have a rough draft for a pilot I'm putting together though I'm not really sure if it's either funny or up to snuff.

I'll post the draft in the spoiler and will appreciate any feedback both positive, negative or constructive.

Spoiler:

EDIT: Third Draft is in place.

Quto · Jan 24, 2016

Can a mod please move this to the writers lounge, I made a mistake posting it here.

Bay · Jan 24, 2016

Quto said:
Can a mod please move this to the writers lounge, I made a mistake posting it here.

You actually put the story/script in the right place as scripts are fine here as long as they're well written. I'm actually considering checking this out, so when I get the chance I'll edit this post with my comments and will let you know.

Quto · Jan 24, 2016

Bay Alexison said:
You actually put the story/script in the right place as scripts are fine here as long as they're well written. I'm actually considering checking this out, so when I get the chance I'll edit this post with my comments and will let you know.

Thank you.

Bay · Jan 25, 2016

Okay, commenting on your script as promised!

Kyd: Ms. Sammy spotted a virus fixing games in the Arena. She called the temp agency, they in turn sent us; mostly because I'm broke and you ate the last of our food.

Kyd: Equip Blaster

For this part, I think you can add both Kyd's lines into one dialogue along with their reaction (Kyd sighing, etc).

Foetem: Hey, a Missile Launcher.

Kyd: FOETEM, DUCK!

Foetem: You shot a hole through the Missile Launcher!

Seems to be missing some sort of action after Kyd said "duck." How did Kyd shot a hole through the missile launcher?

**Grabs Missile Launcher**
*A new Missile Launcher re-spawns with a hole in it*

Kyd: -careful...

I'm assuming Foetem is the one that grabs the missle launcher. Kyd probably made a hole again? If so, make that more clear. One other thing is with actions, in script writing I usually see brackets [this]. For instance:

[Foetem grabs Missile launcher]

[Kyd shots through the missile launcher. A new Missile Launcher re-spawns with a hole in it]

This is just preference, though.

Kyd: Equip, Sword! Get back here you mess of code!

Kyd: SCRAP! It's dodging everything!

Between Kyd's lines there should be a more detalied description of what that Virus is doing/how it's dodging. I know some lines are sparse as this is for voice acting, but even then it won't to put a bit more detail so your voice actors can get a better idea on how to react.

Kyd: Hmmm... I need to borrow one of your eyes.
**Removes one of the Slime Eyes from Foetem, throws it to the ceiling. It sticks**
Kyd: Do you see it?

The brackets I mentioned earlier would make this part read cleaner for your voice actors. Like this:

Kyd: Hmmm... I need to borrow one of your eyes. [Removes one of the Slime Eyes from Foetem, throws it to the ceiling. It sticks]. Do you see it?

Sammy: So, did you boys take care of the problem?

**Kyd recovers a1 black block from Foetem's body**

Maybe a bit more description of what Sammy is doing to set the scene/setting up? For instance, Sammy sitting next to her desk, etc. There are also a couple grammatical corrections I did in red.

For the final scene with the Minus City setting, perhaps more details like for instance if there's a large crowd. Doesn't have to be a full blown description since this is a script, but at least a few sentences should work.

So, having only a tiny familarity with the Metorid series, I admit some of the references have gone over my head. Besides that, I'm afraid I got lost on some parts I pointed out (who is doing what, some actions not described). That doesn't make this a bad script, though. There are some amusing parts (Kyd borrowing Foetem's eyes for instance), and with some polish I'm sure the folks doing the voice acting will enjoy it. Not a bad effort for your first script, and if you decide to do more looking forward to you making progress on them.

Quto · Jan 26, 2016

I will on pursuing more scripts though, allow me elaborate a little with the missing actions. Along with the script, I've been putting together the visual pieces or story board and have been referencing my current draft of the script. When I updated the draft a second time, I updated this one as well I was in the middle of both updating the script and the story board at the same time mid-way. With a proper graphical pieces developed, I was able to begin the first scene and present it to the voice actors; or at least the chunks I can get across the actors I'm working with. Some of the actions we're cut out because they we're already drawn before I went to begin drawing and pulling the pixel art together..

As far as grammar and spelling mistakes, you got me. This is still a second draft before I finish the full thing.

The first draft includes the missing actions. which I'll include into the spoiler here with grammar problems and misspelled words before spell check.
If it helps to include the actions in the second draft, I'll add them then.

Spoiler:

Bay · Jan 27, 2016

Oh, so all the actions are also for the storyboards? I admit I don't know too much about storyboarding since I don't do traditional/digital/pixel art, heh. Either way, I do think your script would benefit from some of those actions from your first draft added as I can at least try to provide some feedback if some actions make sense. Otherwise, I would be confused if something happened between point a and point b.

Quto · Jan 28, 2016

Bay Alexison said:
Oh, so all the actions are also for the storyboards? I admit I don't know too much about storyboarding since I don't do traditional/digital/pixel art, heh. Either way, I do think your script would benefit from some of those actions from your first draft added as I can at least try to provide some feedback if some actions make sense. Otherwise, I would be confused if something happened between point a and point b.

Tis fine, I'll leave the actions in there for my future drafts.

As for storyboarding, the actions in the script are removed so the voice actors just focus on their lines as they watch the animation and try to line it up. At some point today when I post this, I'll update the first post's 2nd Draft to a 3rd where I'll add the actions and do some Grammar Work.