Howie and Phil

I'll leave some comments on this work~

First of all, you call this a fanfiction. Fanfiction usually means it's based off some existing franchise, such as Pokémon, Harry Potter or what have you. Maybe it's just me not recognizing where the characters or the setting is from, but if this is really based in a world that doesn't belong to an existing franchise, then it's just fiction, not fanfiction really :3

Moving on!

"Mama.... Papa..." That noise "Mama..... Papa....."

Click to expand...

First tip is to begin new dialogue on a new row. It really helps the readers feel comfortable. Even more important though: check your punctuation! It feels a bit strange to put "That noise" in there all of a sudden. It sounds as if someone is thinking about the noise, thoughtfully. So perhaps it could look like this:or at least

Phil is getting annoyed because Every night when he sleeps That noise keeps getting louder and louder when no one answers, Phil needs to look what's under the bed,what's making all those noises, Phil with fear tried to check the bed and found shining Eyes and he saw a boy curled up under his bed

Click to expand...

Here, you switch tenses all of a sudden. You start in present tense (blue text) then change to past tense (red text). Usually you want to stick to one tense throughout your story, unless you are aiming for a special effect or use different narrators or something.

You seem to capitalize the first letter in seemingly random words. Only the first letter in the first word of every sentence should be capitalized, unless you deal with names (like Phil).

Again, punctuation. Comma is only used now and then in special cases, not instead of a period.

"H-H-Hi.... I'm Phil." Phil said "What's your name?"

Click to expand...

Here it's actually the other way around :p After "I'm Phil" you should use a comma instead of a period if you are going to continue with "Phil said".

I kind of wonder what kind of person Phil is. He seems to be pretty courageous, daring to check under his bed and then asking the creepy boy he finds there to come out and play. Fair enough! A little more characterization would have been nice though, so that we can actually feel sad for Phil when he is pulled down at the end.

He saw Howie's hand touching him

Click to expand...

He saw? He probably felt it too, and wouldn't that be somewhat of a stronger sensation than him seeing it? It's a detail, but I reacted ^^

but Howie's inhuman strength was really strong

Click to expand...

Yes. Inhuman strength usually implies that it's really strong ;) A detail, again, but maybe "really strong" could be "too much for Phil" or something for a better flow?


All in all, it was a really creepy little story. It might be a bit better if you flesh out the characters a little, at least Phil. This feels like the prologue of something that will have more chapters and turn into a scary story about a missing boy ^^ I hope my comments will help you, in any case.

Thank You I'll try next time. :D

EDIT: I edited a few parts. :)

To quote myself from another site: "The mark of any good horror or dark fantasy writer is the ability to draw out the suspense without undermining the mood or descriptions."

Personally, I think the concept's interesting, but for the context, the story's annoyingly short... I think Adventure said it best where it seems more like a prologue than an actual story, but even prologues deserve some kind of length and description to them.

For starters, we need to know what Phil looks like and, even more so, his room. Your bedroom is supposed to be the safest place in the world when you're a kid, but it can become the most terrifying place too when the lights go out for the night. Claustrophobia and fear of the dark can wreak havoc on a kid's psyche more than just noises, and these make excellent descriptions to include in any good horror story. I'd think you could talk about how the room suddenly seemed to shrink around Phil as he suddenly woke up due to the noise come from under his bed. The darkness could also offset the appearance of things in his room, like his TV, his dresser, or even stuff animals he has set out for decoration. Little stuff like that really adds to a terrifying mood.

I hope that helps a little (and hopefully it's not too harsh...I haven't critiqued in a while, and I have a nasty tendency to write short but stern critiques). Again, the concept's good; I just think there should be more to it.