[Pokémon] Bubbles & Cotton

Cotton and Bubbles

I want my audience to be involved with my story, do you have any ideas or requests? Post them in the comments and maybe I will try to add something in!

Chapter one
Marc
"Whoa is it already that late?" I thought by myself. Today I'm finally going to catch my first Pokemon! As I walk down stairs mom made pancakes, my favorite breakfast material. After breakfast is done I run towards the shed where dad is already waiting with Blaze, the Growlithe he owned since he was a child. "Come on dad we need to get going!" "Easy son" he says. "You waited long enough but a few minutes more or less doesn't make a difference." "But dad, it took forever to become this day. Why could't I get my Pokemon earlier?" "That's because you need to understand enough about Pokemon before you start to be a trainer." I understood that very well. At school we learned a lot about Pokemon. We learned about evolution, conditions, natures. We even learned a little about battling.

"Now are you coming or are you staying here playing with Blaze?" dad said. "I'm coming!" We walked into the woods behind our house. I've been here a million times but now we're going in deeper than ever. The forest isn't that dark but it's quiet big. As we reach the middle of the woods, where a small pond is, we hear a few Pokemon playing near the pond. When we looked more closely we saw an Azurill being bullied by a few Geodude. "Dad we have to help that little Pokemon!" As I approach the group of Geodude they turn around and start to trow sand and dirt towards me. "Blaze use a take down attack of those Geodude" my dad yelled. Even before I knew it, Blaze was there and protected my from the Geodude.

Azurill came running towards me, all wet it jumped up against my chest to see if I was okay. "Hey there little buddy, where those Geodude's mean to you?" Azurill nodded and had soaked me wet. "Well well, don't make my any wetter, please!" Azurill is smiling towards me and I really start to like him. "Marc how are you?" dad asks. "I'm fine dad, this is Azurill. Azurill, this is my dad." Azurill jumps up and smiles at my dad. "Well aren't you a cute little Azurill!" dad says while petting the Azurill. "Dad, I've chosen my first Pokemon! I really want to have this Azurill! Do you want to come with me Azurill?" Azurill never looked to happy! "I'm going to name you Bubbles!

Cathrina
"Professor Ivy, are you there?" I yelled. Strange, she asked me to come at this time. Around the corner I hear some noise and walk towards it. At the back I see a huge window with a view at the see. Near the coast I see a massive Gyarados swimming towards the windows. On it's back I see a woman standing in a bathing suit. "Wow!" When the Gyarados is almost at the shore I see who the woman is. It's professor Ivy!

One of the assistants runs past me with a lab coat and almost runs me over. Outside professor Ivy jumps of Gyarados onto the shore. The assistant hands over the lab coat and professor Ivy sees me. Inside she welcomes me. "You must be Cathrina!" she says. "Yes I am, professor." "Cathrina, I have been a friend of your parents for a long time. You are now 15 years old and that's an important age. I want you to have a Pokemon so you can go on an adventure!" "WHAT?!?!?! Are you serious professor? OMG I wanted this for so long!" "I knew you wanted to have your Pokemon for a long, but your parents didn't want me to give you one earlier." the professor said. "Come follow me, please." We walked towards the other end of the lab.

"Here I have 5 Pokeballs. You may pick one of them and that will become your Pokemon!" professor Ivy said. "Which Pokemon are in the Pokeballs?" "That's a surprise! I know which Pokemon I've chosen, but I can't remember which Pokemon is in which Pokeball." Hmm which one do I pick???? Eeny, Meeny,Miny, Moe. I pickup the Pokeball on the far left."This is the one I'm choosing! Pokeball now!" I trow the Pokeball and out of it a small blue bird comes with cloudy white wings. "A Swablu I yell exited! I'm gonna name her Cotton!

Chapter 2

Marc
"Bubbles go!" Bubbles popped out of the Pokéball and looked worried at the Caterpie. As the Caterpie runs towards Bubbles, Bubbles jumped quickly away to dodge the tackle attack from Caterpie. "Bubbles use Water gun! Now!" A stream of water comes out of Bubbles mouth and hits the Caterpie hard. The Caterpie rolls away and is knocked out. "All right Bubbles! Our first battle!"

As I walk towards town to find a Pokécenter, I see a girl with long blond hair, a red skirt with leggings, a black top and a white fluffy hat. As she enters the Pokécenter the hat starts to move. I immediately recognize her. "Cathrina" I say. Bubbles looks questioning at me. I explain to him that she is a girl I know from school and I always fancied her above all the other girls.

As I enter the Pokécenter she sees me and walk's straight to the desk. "How can I help you, young man?" nurse joy says. "I want to heal my Azurill, please" "No problem, just sit down and he will be as good as new!" I sit down next to Cathrina. "Hey, you also got a Pokémon, Marc?" "Yeah, did you also get yours, Cathrina?" "Yeah! I got the cutest Swablu you've ever seen!" "A Swablu huh? I don't think I've ever seen one in person. In our school books yes, but apart from that." "What Pokémon did you get? Also a Growlithe like our father?" "No, I caught myself a Azurill!" "Can I see it later? I see that my Pokémon is healed so I'm heading towards home and then going to the west of town! Cya Marc." She winks at me as she walks out of the Pokécenter.

Cathrina
I head out of the Pokécenter and walk towards the south. I didn't remember Marc being so cute! "Cotton come on out! I want you to see the town." As we walk through Valencia I show Cotton all the important buildings. After a short walk I stop in front of a house. "This is where I live Cotton!"

Cotton flies in and I hear a small scream. Of course, I didn't introduce it to mom. "Mom, don't make her scared. Meet Cotton, Cotton meet mom" Cotton sits down on my arm and nods to mom. "And why do you need to scare me like that young lady, what if it was a wild Pokémon? You always need to bully me like that!" "Mom, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. And how can you get scared from this cute little Pokémon?" "Well, it isn't the most scary Pokémon that's true. Maybe it's just because you go on your own adventure now. With your father working I'm all on my own all day." "You will get used to it mom! I'm sure you'll manage!"

As I walk towards the western gate I hear someone shouting my name. "Cathrina, wait up!" I turn around and there he comes running towards me, Marc. He's wearing a red with black hat, a dark green coat, black pants and a black scarf. "You wanted to see my Azurill didn't you?" "Yeah, where is it?" "Bubbles come on out. Meet Cathrina, Cathrina meet Bubbles!" "Awe, he looks so cute! This is my Pokémon. Cotton now!" Cotton flies out of the Pokéball. Cotton these are Marc and Bubbles, guys this is Cotton." "Well hello there!" Marc says while he pets Cotton.

As we walk out of the western gate I notice that Cotton and Bubbles really seem to get along! "Where are you headed?" Marc asks. "I'm going to Tangelo Island I think. I really want to visit Poképark and show it to Cotton." "I'm also headed that way! I'm traveling to become a Pokémon trainer so first I want to compete in the Orange League!" "The Orange League seems to be really tough!" "Yeah but with the proper training I know I can make it!" "I don't know yet what I'm going to do. I really want to travel the world and make friends everywhere!" "Well then choice enough!"

We keep walking until we get to the docks. We buy ourselves tickets for the boat to Tangelo Island and we set of shore when dusk begins to fall. We get into our own hut and know this is going to be a great adventure!

Nice start of a story! But I have a few things to mention that you could improve.

Firstly - formatting. It's usually not a good idea to use colored text in stories on a forum. If it wasn't annoying enough as it is, you also run the risk of the reader using a different forum skin than you do, one on which blue or purple light text is not very legible. Stick with the standard color (and standard size), is my recommendation. Also, the font you use is... bubbly. In long texts, maybe it's better to use a more neutral font like Tahoma, Verdana, Georgia, even Calibri or Cambria work alright. Or don't choose font at all and just go with the standard one! The focus of your story shouldn't be what the text looks like, right? Rather what the words say :3

Another formatting issue is that you clump all your dialogue together in bulky paragraphs. To make it easier for the reader, you should start on a new line every time there's a new person speaking. You can usually get away with putting some dialogue, then some action or thoughts, then more dialogue from the same person all in one paragraph. But switch to a new one when a new person comes in, even if it becomes just one lonely line or even just a single word. It looks better :)

Secondly - the story itself. You start the story like everyone else start their trainer story. With oversleeping or noticing that it's later than they thought, heading downstairs to get breakfast and meet a parent. I've seen this a thousand times and it's never interesting. Sorry :) Maybe you don't want to change this now, but it's something to think about for the future. Just because Ash Ketchum started his journey in one way doesn't mean that your character should do it. Rather, your character should not do it if you want them to be unique.


Also, you use different colors to distinguish sections written from two separate trainers' perspectives... right? We don't really get to know much about these protagonists and I feel like you always only type out what happens. This happens. Then this happens. And now this happens. How about tossing in some contemplation, description of your surroundings, thoughts that your characters have etc? Something to make your story feel less like a chain of actions piled on top of each other and instead more like a flowing story that comes alive.

If you want to have two protagonists that aren't together at the start of the story, perhaps you can make every other chapter about them instead of splitting up your chapter in two parts? Chapter 1 about Marc, chapter 2 about Cathrina etc. And then maybe a chapter where they meet, and so on.

Just some hints :) I hope you'll understand my points and write more soon!

Adventure said:

Nice start of a story! But I have a few things to mention that you could improve.....

Just some hints :) I hope you'll understand my points and write more soon!

Click to expand...

I do understand your tips and will edit my story later this week. I'm not an English native and this is a way to improve my English.

Chapter 3

Marc
After a long night sleep on the boat I get out of my hut. I step onto the deck and smell the salty sea. After a few minutes I see Cathrina getting out of her hut, still sleepy.

"How are you, Cathrina? Still a bit sleepy?"
"Oh I slept terrible on this rocking' boat.. I really want another way of transportation.."
"Well I slept really good! I don't mind the rocking' at all. Let's get some breakfast!"

After breakfast we get back on deck. I look towards the island we're heading to. I see a white beach with big green palmtrees. Behind the beach I can see the giant resorts. That was to expect due to the fact that Tangelo Island is a big vacation destination for people with their Pokémon.

We board on in the haven and get out of the boat.

"Where do you want to go, Cathrina?"
"First I'm checking in to a hotel. I really need to get a good night sleep."
"Well I'm heading to Poképark! You want to come with me? There are so many hotels, they can't be fully booked."
"You're right. I will come with you I think!"

'Yes, she is coming with me!' I think.

At the entrance of Poképark I buy the entrance tickets.

"The park closes at 8. It's important to get out earlier because once the gate is closed you can't get out till the morning and we open again." the receptionist says.

We enter the park and everywhere we look we see trees as big as small cars. Between the trees there are bushes and smaller trees. We follow the path and the trees get even bigger. Then we see a big lake in front of the big mountain in the center of Poképark. The water is as blue as the sky.

"Wow I haven't seen water as blue as this in my life!"
"It's almost as blue as Bubbles is. Why don't we take them out so they can enjoy the view and the weather here on Tangelo Island?"
"Great idea, Marc. Go Cotton!"
"Go Bubbles!"

Bubbles and Cotton get out and directly start playing with each other. Bubbles is splashing in the water and Cotton is flying around dodging the spatters of water.

"We should get something to eat, don't you think?"
"Yeah I think we should"

We get our lunch out and feed our Pokémon."

Cathrina
'I can't believe he asked me to come with him here. Then that tasty lunch. And our Pokémon get along so good.'

We walk further into the park and completely forget the time.

"Do you hear that too, Marc?"

We hear a loud scream, like something is in pain.

"Yeah let's check it out!"

We run towards the sound. Again the loud sharp scream fills the air. We hear the scream again but we're getting closer. As we approach closer the noise gets louder. We also start to hear some buzzing.

"Oh no! It's 2 wounded Pokémon!"
"What kind of Pokémon are this? I don't know them, do you, Marc?
"I think the flying one is a Beedrill, the other one must be a Nidorino!"
"How do you it's not a Nidorina?"
"Nidorino has a bigger horn and it pink or purple colored."
"What's the matter with them?"
"It looks like the Beedrill and the Nidorino were fighting. Look at the horns and the thorns"
"Beedrill's thorn is almost crushed. Nidorino looks like it was smacked on the ground."
"I don't think they were fighting with each other. Nidorino and Beedrill are both immune to each other's venomous stings. They must be attacked by something bigger."
"Even bigger that those 2 Pokémon? Than it must be a huge, super strong Pokémon!"
"I think we need to get back really quick, before we get attacked by ourself!"
"Let's go, Cathrina!"

We run towards the exit but once we get there we see a minor problem.

"Oh no the gate is closed! We're to late Marc!"
"Come let's set our camp up here with a small fire. Maybe it will be scared of it and keep away from here"

We set up our camp and I make a fire. We get into the tent and we hear a growl not far away.

"Marc, I'm scared.."

We hear the growl come closer and I see the fire getting extinguished. One again an enormous roar and our tent get's pulled away.

We look up and we see it's an...


Please leave comment's on what you want or think it is! I want my audience to be involved in my stories!

Chapter 4

Marc
"It's a Primeape! Look out, Cathrina!"
"What do we do?"
"You go that way, I will try to lead him the other way!"

I run towards the open field while Cathrina runs towards the edge of the forest. This way Primeape will go after me.
'At least I hope so..'
At the field I call Bubbles to help me distract and slow Primeape down.

"Bubbles, use a Water Gun on the field!"
The field turns into a mud pool and Primeape slides through the mud. He slides al ways and can't stay on his feet.
"Bubbles, use your Water Gun to cool him down!"
The Water Gun hits the Primeape and he gives up. He keeps getting hurt for trying to get up, hitting the ground harder every time.
"Cotton, use your Sing attack to let him sleep!"
Primeape falls asleep in the mud as the sun comes up.

"Cathrina, you shouldn't have done that. What if he did get up and attacked you or Cotton?"
"It could also have attacked you! And btw, I made it fall asleep. You should be a little thankful"
"Maybe you're right. Still I could have handled it"

We hear the first sound from people. Guards are running our way.

"Hey what are you two doing in the park already? It isn't even opened yet."
"We're sorry sir, last night we got caught inside and the park closed. Then we hear some screaming sounds."
"Yes sir, that's what happened. Marc and me found two injured Pokémon and after that we got attacked."
"Attacked? By Pokémon in our Park?"
"Yes, we got attacked by this Primeape. It went crazy and attacked us without any reason."
"This is the Primeape from the president. The president accidently left it here yesterday. Primeape really gets panicked when not around the president. I will make sure you meet the president himself."

Cathrina
At the president's house we need to wait because the president is in a staff meeting. The door opens and the first thing I see it the Primeape! I get a little scared but then I see that he is a totally different Pokémon. He is wearing a little bowtie. He looks really happy and calm.

"Ah you must be the couple that have calmed my beloved Primeape! How can I thank you?"
"Hello sir, we just calmed it down for our own protection."
"I really can't believe that Primeape gets so angry or scared when it is not around me.."
"Maybe it is scared to lose you?"
"That must be it young girl!"
"How can I thank you? He could have destroyed the whole park if you didn't show up!"
"You don't need to thank us sir, we were happy no more Pokémon were hurt."
"That's right kid. I think I have something that might interest you two. Please, follow me."

We walk to the elevator and go to the top floor. When we get our we see a lot of security.
'This is probably the development area of the company.'
At the room at the end of the hall way we stop.

"Behind this door there are many objects I collected for my personal collection. Not only pretty things but also powerful items for Pokémon. I want you each to pick an item!"

In side we see showcases with all kind of weird items inside. Marc walks one way and I walk the other way. A lot of the things are just shiny things. Then I see a very old fang.

"Sir what is this thing?"
"That, young girl, is supposed to be a Dragon Fang. It enhances the power of certain moves."
"An item than enhances the power of moves with the dragon type huh?.. I think I want that one!"
"All right! Young man, have you chosen your item yet?"
"Yes sir! I think I want this thingy! Isn't it a Sea Incense?"
"A yes! Very clever young man. It enhances the power of water type moves!"

We thank the president and leave the building to set for the Pokécenter for a good night sleep for us and for our Pokémon