The Sisters' Paths (PG-14)

Prologue - The Sisters' Paths (T)

It was a warm summer day in Arlin, a village far south of the City of Espira. Hikari, a young girl around thirteen, was running to her home as she carried the boxful of food she bought from the market. She looked back and noticed something was off. She cautiously set the box down and drew a dagger.

Kaine, a warrior from Espira was chasing an unnamed, but well-known thief. The thief grabbed Hikari and put his knife to her throat. "Leave me, boy, or I kill this girl!" He snarled.

"What girl? I just see a bale of hay..." Hikari said, but she wasn't in the man's hold; she was standing on a rooftop, looking down at him.

The thief looked up, giving Kaine time to quickly subdue him and tie his arms behind him.


"How did you...?" Kaine started to ask as Hikari jumped down and picked her box back up.

"It wasn't too difficult. I am Master Hei's apprentice, after all. Getting my Fighter's lisence in a few days, so I've been practicing." Hikari replied, looking as Kaine signaled a few Imperial soldiers who took the thief away. "Name's Hikari."

"And I'm Kaine." Kaine replied, bowing in respect. When you get your license in Espira, look me up." He added before leaving.

Hikari ran back home and was greeted by her mother. "Just in time, dear, the festival will begin soon." Her mother said as Hikari washed up.

****

On a hillside near Arlin, two figures stood as the festivities began. One, a girl, looked to be eighteen, the other in his twenties. The girl looked and grinned. "Same thing every year... hopeless peasants.."

"Kamiya.. it feels like you miss your old home.." The man sneered.

"No.. not at all.. Let's go, Shai... there's no sense in wasting our time in this disgusting place.." Kamiya said, her red eyes gazing into the sunset as both her and Shai disappeared'

A few days after her village's Spirit Festival, Hikari left for the two-day journey to Espira for her Traveler's Permit. She entered the building on the 4th day of the third month. She was wearing a pendant that identified her as one with the rarest illness: Only seven in history had it, so it was just called The Illness. It was bittersweet since those with that sickness had a unique power - the power to weaken or strengthen the spirit of the target. The wielder could even save a person who has recently died if she gets there before 72 hours have passed.

Hikari was forbidden entry since the new required age was 14, but once her pendant was noticed, they let her in and after two hours, her Permit was approved. She left, looking at it.

"Oh, I should visit him." Hikari said to herself before asking where the one who introduced himself as Kaine lived. After receiving directions, she knocked at his door.

"Hello... oh, Miss Hikari, welcome." Kaine greeted kindly. "What brings you all this way..?"

"Hi, Sir Kaine. I just got my Traveler Permit!" Hikari said excitedly, showing it to him.

"Indeed you did." Kaine said as he examined her Permit. "Might I accompany you on your travels?" He asked her.

"Really? It would be an honor." Hikari answered with a respectful bow.

Kaine returned the bow with one of his own. "But first, eat and rest here. We shall leave in the morning." He announced.



The next day, Hikari and Kaine departed the village, heading west. They came across a village with a young man horribly injured. Hikari healed him, coughing a bit after expending so much energy. The man thanked her and revealed a young lady had attacked him, stealing a powerful Crystal. She had long white hair and red eyes and wielded a two-handed blade with one hand.

"It's her..." Hikari said softly. "The one my Village refuses to speak of..."

So, this is a prologue I'm guessing? As a prologue, it's not doing well I'll admit. It's moreover of a very short first chapter, with little content in it. Try adding in more content if you're going to move the story. You have plenty of time to actually write. The internet isn't going anywhere.

You introduce a lot of interesting things in your story, such as the concept of healing magic and the works. I like fantasy. I think it would help your story if you described the world in general.

There is little description or a setting, other than that Hikari lives in a village, somewhere in the world. Nothing is placed out, no identity of citizens other than Kaine, another person in the village I'm presuming. Help readers visualize what's happening, since the majority of it is vague other than Hikari's pendant, which I'll get to later. But look, the world is obscure. I can't make heads or tails of most of it and Hikari has, so far, no character shown at all. It would help if you described her and made the story follow her around in her daily life, just seeing how she lives since she is essentially an outcast.

Kamiya-chan said:

A few days after her village's Spirit Festival, Hikari left for the two-day journey to Espira for her Traveler's Permit. She entered the building on the 4th day of the third month.

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Here, the first sentences of your story. The first sentence will more often than not define the mood of your story. Here, it's all bland and little happens. We don't know who Hikari is. There's little description of what's happening, which I mentioned before. The beginning should immediately entice the reader, inspiring them to actually read it. Think of it as the hook. As for the next point, I'm being nit-picky here but you don't need the bolded text. It's useless information, so don't put it in. Unless it is important later if you're going to use it as some theme or whatnot.

Kamiya-chan said:

She was wearing a pendant that identified her as one with the rarest illness: Only seven in history had it, so it was just called The Illness. It was bittersweet since those with that sickness had a unique power - the power to weaken or strengthen the spirit of the target. The wielder could even save a person who has recently died if she gets there before 72 hours have passed.

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So this is the next part, explaining Hikari. Kind of. This is dedicated to describing her pendant, or why it's on her, and what it does. I like to say here, "Show, don't tell." It's more interesting to readers if she actually does use her powers instead of just flat-out saying it.

Kamiya-chan said:

Hikari was forbidden entry since the new required age was 14, but once her pendant was noticed, they let her in and after two hours, her permit was approved. She left, looking at it.

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Right around here, I got lost fast. I had to reread that first paragraph at least five times before I understood what was going on. It jumped around a bit too much and a lot of things are left obscure and unclear. Like you referred to a "building" which Hikari entered, then described her illness, then jumped back to the actions of the story. When you do that, be sure to remind the reader where the character is, just to avoid confusion. The forbidden entry part is also a bit vague, since we have no idea what she's trying to get a permit for. Oh, by the way, permit is not capitalized. Unless the permit is the only permit in the whole entire world, leave it uncapitalized since it's not a proper noun.

Kamiya-chan said:

"Oh, I should visit him." Hikari said to herself before asking where the one who introduced himself as Kaine lived. After receiving directions, she knocked at his door.

"Hello... oh, Miss Hikari, welcome." Kaine greeted kindly. "What brings you all this way..?"

"Hi, Sir Kaine. I just got my Traveler Permit!" Hikari said excitedly, showing it to him.

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Again, jumping around too fast. Hikari is doing something then asks directions, apparently to the wind, and goes to Kaine, who is a new character. We don't even know who he is. He is called "Sir Kaine", but we have no idea why. He could be a knight, or a duke, or a King, or an army commander. We still don't know. Be sure to explain these things, and try to add in more actions and descriptions. It seems like Hikari is in a world with the smallest population, ever. Try to include other things, like setting, especially when you're shifting scenes.

The next parts are all the same as above, just tidbits of information stockpiling without much being explained. The village (not capitalized by the way) has a taboo word, they had a Spirit Festival, and we got a glimpse of it if anything. You are writing an original fiction story, so part of your job is to describe the world. You don't have to do it in one go, but since it's a fantasy you should add in bits of descriptions and try to implement a bit of culture. It gives your story a bit more color.

I like the concept of it, since I'm a sucker for anything fantasy and magical. Remember to put in a bit more actions and settings, along with actual character development. I'll look forward to more chapters, so keep writing!

I don't feel like adding small things such as chirping birds or anything like that. As for you not understanding what was going on. . .I have a prologue around here... go read it to get a little explanation...

Found it
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=266716

Also, it may be my low self-esteem, but it feels like you're telling me I'm not good enough to write.. well, I know I'm not a good writer, I post here for fun, not to have a class in writing in college.

I'm sorry if you're not trying to be a buzzkill, ass, or anything, but I also didn't expect my story to be blown to bits because it isn't good.

I know this is kinda none of my business, but WHOA. Hold on, gurl.

Kamiya-chan said:

I don't feel like adding small things such as chirping birds or anything like that. As for you not understanding what was going on. . .I have a prologue around here... go read it to get a little explanation...

Found it
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=266716

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Those 'small things' you 'don't feel like adding' are really what may make or break your story. I gave your chapter here a quick look, and psyanic is quite right to suggest it. Your prose is sparse and lacks detail, and it would benefit greatly from a little padding. It's basically just a list of things people do and say, with not even much detail in those. I'd recommend expanding it a bit.

Secondly, all chapters, prologues etc have to go in the same thread. That's in the rules of this section (which you ought to have read before posting, hmm?), and I can tell you that without even looking. So expecting people to come to this thread having read your prologue is a bit much.

Also, it may be my low self-esteem, but it feels like you're telling me I'm not good enough to write.. well, I know I'm not a good writer, I post here for fun, not to have a class in writing in college.

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Skimming psyanic's review, I see nowhere where she said you're not good enough to write. That sort of comment is hugely frowned upon in this forum - almost anywhere, in fact - and it would be awfully serious if that was the case. In fact, I think she said something to the effect of 'Keep writing! I'm looking forward to more chapters!' which is about as far from 'you're not good enough to write' as you can get. I kinda think you're overreacting a bit here. Yes, psyanic criticised your writing, but that is what you're expected to do in a review here. If you can't take that sort of criticism (which in this case, might I add, was delivered in a far more civil manner than some members here might employ) then I suggest you get used to it. Psyanic made nothing but good and valid points, as far as I can see, and there should be no reason to complain about it. I'd kill for a review that was that helpful . . . haven't had one for a while.

I'm sorry if you're not trying to be a buzzkill, ass, or anything, but I also didn't expect my story to be blown to bits because it isn't good.

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See above. I see no blowing to bits going on, only constructive advice being offered.

Again, this is probably none of my business, so I'll head off now. I'll just say that when I read your story earlier, the same things that psyanic said also crossed my mind. I recommend you chill out a bit, and try to learn the distinction between an attack on you personally as an author and a comment on the writing that you have produced.

PTFO, MW.

Yeah, it wasn't your business, but thanks for letting me know I was just paranoid, though, you didn't need to seem so ticked

I'm not doing this to get better, (though I will take a bit of what was stated to thought) I'm doing it cause I feel like sharing it for fun, nothing more. I couldn't care less if this is good, bad, or novel-worthy. Though, I agree that I move too fast with characters, I like mystery with some, but I try too hard

I wasn't confident about posting here in the first place, so I'm nervous anyway. I don't when/if I'll post again, but I probably can't improve my writing much, so WYSIWYG. Heck, Part 2 might be tonight if I feel like it...

He didn't say it was bad, but he didn't say it was good or anything either. I'm not gonna put words in his mouth (or text in his post), but I just saw negative things being pointed out. Though, if NOT just saying it was bad is saying I have potential than I'm can't be too irritated, but as stated, I don't knoe

Kamiya-chan said:

Yeah, it wasn't your business, but thanks for letting me know I was just paranoid, though, you didn't need to seem so ticked

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The point I was trying to make was that you were overreacting, which you are now doing again. I'm not 'ticked', I'm just saying that you reacted in a way that was more defensive than necessary and basically suggested you didn't care what your reviewer thought, which is poor fanfiction etiquette to put it lightly.

I'm not doing this to get better, (though I will take a bit of what was stated to thought) I'm doing it cause I feel like sharing it for fun, nothing more. I couldn't care less if this is good, bad, or novel-worthy. Though, I agree that I move too fast with characters, I like mystery with some, but I try too hard

I wasn't confident about posting here in the first place, so I'm nervous anyway. I don't when/if I'll post again, but I probably can't improve my writing much, so WYSIWYG. Heck, Part 2 might be tonight if I feel like it...

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The point is, hon, if you post here, you are going to get criticism suggesting how to get better. People here want to help you improve, and getting defensive when they try isn't going to win you any friends. And saying you couldn't care less about the quality really just suggests to me that you couldn't care less about the story itself, which makes me unwilling to read it because I don't know if you're committed to it. If you want to write simply for your own amusement, fine, but don't post it on the internet. The second you put your work on a public forum like this, you expose yourself to a world of criticism and comments from people who actually do care about the quality of a work. I would have said exactly what psyanic did if I'd reviewed first, and I can name half a dozen others off the top of my head that probably would have done so too. That's the point, really. If you don't care about it, is it worth posting? I'm not saying 'it's bad, don't post it'. I'm just saying that if the quality means nothing to you, don't post it. This is a forum for constructive criticism and learning, and if you don't want to be a part of that, I'd suggest . . . well, not being a part of it.

He didn't say it was bad, but he didn't say it was good or anything either. I'm not gonna put words in his mouth (or text in his post), but I just saw negative things being pointed out. Though, if NOT just saying it was bad is saying I have potential than I'm can't be too irritated, but as stated, I don't knoe

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You're not going to put words in his mouth? But, uh . . . that's exactly what you just did . . .

it feels like you're telling me I'm not good enough to write

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That's what you said, and that's doing just that. Yes, there were negative things being pointed out. That's what a good review does. Good things were mentioned too, however. If it seemed there wasn't a balance, it probably means two things: one, the negatives were more obvious than the positives (this is usual, because human brains tend to pick up on mistakes more easily than they do good things) or two, the story does need a lot of work. Nowhere was it said that you're a bad writer. I will agree here that the story does need an awful lot of work to get up to scratch. Your first chapter is 328 words long - less than a page. While this forum doesn't have a two-page-chapter rule like, say, Serebii, you generally want to have a bit more substance to it than that. And why? Because it shows. As I mentioned earlier, your chapter is just a short list of things that happened, with scant, wooden dialogue and whole conversations/encounters/events skipped over in half-sentences. The story does have promise; like psyanic, I'll gladly say that. Your problem is delivery. So work on that. Apply the things psyanic suggested, and then there might be improvement.

If you don't want to improve or care how good your writing is . . . may I ask you quite frankly why you posted this here? I'm genuinely confused, if that is the case.

Also, you've not been insulted or anything at all. A negative review is one that says 'this story sucks and is boring, go die in a fire.' A review that says 'this needs work, this is a weakness, this could be improved, and here is how you can do all of that' is not a negative review. psyanic went into a great deal of detail to explain what he thought was wrong with the story, and the least you could do is at least consider taking it on board - or appearing a tiny bit grateful, cos I'm not feeling it.

(Also, psyanic, apologies for referring to you as she in my earlier post. I didn't read your postbit properly. ><)

One, I said seemed, I can't read emotions through text. So how am I supposed to know. I did say I'd try to take these things to mind, but I don't think I can improve all that much.

I have a couple parts (almost) ready, but I probably won't post them because these were to test how "good" I was, and after thinking about it, I don't think I should waste anyone else's time with this.

I may or may not post the next part, it depends on if I feel like continuing writing this.. (no, I'm not saying this because of you, I knew it was a longshot to start with). As it stands now, I don't think I can improve enough to continue, especially with the complicated stuff coming up.

I'll either keep this up or ask its deletion. I'll only request deletion if I KNOW I can't continue at all, and it's still debatable. I just need more confidence....

I do thank you for your help, but I'm not making promises. I maybe have enough for two "chapters", but after that, it's debatable.

I'm not saying this because of criticism, I understand everyone gets that. I'm just saying why post if it won't be read? Any advice is welcome, but please PM me until I get the next chapter up.

Thanks and I apologise for snapping.

Merged your double posts together, as there was no need for two separate posts.

Merged your threads together, as per the section's rules, all parts of a story must be in the same thread.

I'm just saying why post if it won't be read?

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People review your story to let you know that they did read it. Psyanic was giving you his opinion on your story with ways to improve. Besides, the general idea of posting your story is to get opinions on it so you can see what people liked and didn't like about your story.

People posting on your story is a sign it won't be read. Unless you never want reviews saying anything about your story, mention that in your posts. Otherwise, posting on this forum will give you reviews in your threads.

You say that any advice is welcomed, but your response to psyanic shows potential reviewers otherwise. Even if it would be over PM (a suggestion I'm unsure about, given your "ass" comment to psyanic and track records of PMs where people have been much harsher just because they're more difficult to moderate), you might not get any advice because you don't seem welcomed to it.