Death and how to cope

One of my friends died Monday morning, and tonight my school honored their football game to his name.
I've known him since about 5th grade, and he was one of my closest friends at the time. We drifted apart a bit, and I hadn't talked to him in about a year before he passed.
He was diagnosed with a sheath tumor connected to his spine in 2009, and won his battle. In 2013, it came back and he lost his battle Monday morning.

How would you cope with something like that? I haven't found a way to yet, and I don't know if I ever will.

I'm sooo sorry about your friend. I know how hard it is losing someone close to you. I lost my Dad a few years ago to a heart attack out of no where and I was heart broken because I was considered to be Daddy's Little Girl. But the thing that helped me is that everyone talked about him and told stories about him. I know most people don't like talking about the person that died because it makes them cry and miss them. And to them if we just don't talk about them then it will be like they are still here and that's the biggest problem right there. To Mom and I we'll tell people don't be afraid to talk about him because yes we might cry but if you keep talking about him then it means you haven't forgotten about him.

I don't care where you are don't be afraid to cry and never be afraid to talk to someone about even if it's just a little at a time. Even if it's just letting your parents or another friend know what's going on with you that way they know what's going on. Try to find something about them that makes you laugh. And you have all of us for support as well. :D

I lost my mother to a bout of cancer about 5 years ago (Time flies you'll learn), and recently lost my grandmother to a sudden heart attack maybe about a week ago? It's really weird to have both the prolonged battle and the sudden passing in my life-- They're two very different experiences. Condolences for your friend. They say the good die young.

Look into the 5 stages of grief. You're probably still in the shock that it actually happened. Like the previous poster said, don't be afraid to cry if you need to, and definitely find someone to talk to if you need to get anything off your chest. You'll come to terms with it eventually. Death might be ridiculously unfair, but the world still turns despite that.

Talon said:

How would you cope with something like that? I haven't found a way to yet, and I don't know if I ever will.

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When I was 17 I lost a close friend, actually it was 3 years last week, he called me to let me know he'd been diagnosed with cancer, and 6 months later he called to say it was terminal. We'd always been messing with each other so to be honest I had trouble believing him. He died a year after he was diagnosed and I just sat there for hours struggling to comprehend what had happened, then I started crying and to be honest I was just confused how someone so alive and vibrant would never speak again and never be a part of people's lives. I tried to not think about him and keep my mind occupied but when I remembered it was like finding out again for the first time. So I let myself remember, I remembered the day I met him, the hours we'd talk on the phone and always seeing him with a smile on his face, and I talked to friends about the memories we had of him, and yes we cried but more than anything we laughed because of how much we loved him and what a royal idiot he was sometimes. What I'm trying to say to you is to remember him and relive the joy and the laughs you shared together, you don't have to mourn alone and it doesn't necessarily need to be only tears. Other people loved your friend and there feeling the same way, get together (if your old enough have a drink together) and share your memories. A death will never be easy to deal with but this is the best way to learn to smile about your friend instead of only crying.

One of my aunts and my father have killed themselves within a relatively recent period of time, the former about 10 or 11 years ago and my father in 2012. I say relatively recent because I don't think any death a person experiences in their youth ever feels 'far away' until well into adulthood. I was a bit young to understand what happened when my aunt died and honestly, I still know very little of the details. And I never felt that much about it aside from whatever a child thinks when a distant family member dies. My family and her family weren't close and thus there isn't an emotional connection to really hurt me. But when my father committed suicide... well, that was a whole other story.

Now, be aware of the fact that my father was a very bad person and did some unforgivable things to many during his lifetime, so my situation was a bit more complicated even without the matter of suicide. I cried at first, because despite him being an awful parent and an even worse human being, he was still my father and we still saw each other most days. So naturally, I cried. But that was the last time I did so - tears only got in the way of moving on and he deserved none. I think the biggest boulder in the path to moving on was forgiving him for dying. Sounds kinda silly given my vehemence, but it rings true for many, many people who lose a figure in their lives and it can affect anyone. Maybe even you, I dunno. Some people have this thing where regardless of how the person died, they can't help but blame the person for dying as they can't wrap their way around their feelings just yet. It's not a bad thing - it's just something that happens and that needs to be worked around. Anyway, I had to forgive my father for leaving us almost entirely destitute and once again going out of his way to hurt me. Obviously I feel different about that last statement nowadays, but it's what I felt back then. The odd thing though is that I've never really forgiven him for dying - because there's nothing to forgive. He was mentally ill and the sickness in his mind left him broken and blinded, not remotely close to a healthy state of being and there happened to be an incident which pushed him over the edge. That's all it was and I understand that. I let go of him dying and put my fortitude towards cleaning up his mess. But as I said earlier, my situation was a lot more complicated than most and I dealt with it in a way that I thought best.

I think what I learned was that it's okay to feel anger, confusion, loathing, disgust, all of that. It's okay to feel all the negativity that comes from senseless and unfair deaths. It's okay to feel guilt over the situation AND those feelings, which is all too common regardless of how the death happened and who died. I think many people get caught up in feeling guilt over those emotions. They don't cope because they're unable to grapple with the gravity of their feelings. But once they manage that, there's not much in the way of moving on. Once a person has managed to control themselves, they'll be able to do whatever it takes to move on. Of course every situation is different, but most people find a way to live their life after a death and you'll probably be no different.

OP, remember that different people cope in different ways.
I think a lot of people put too much emphasis on how you grieve. If you don't cry your eyes out, spill it out to someone, it's okay. The death of a loved one is something extremely personal, and it's okay not to share your pain with others.
Having said that, sweeping something like that under the rug and forgetting about it is not the best way to handle things. Remembering who you lost is extremely important.

I lost my dad on Dec. 6th, 2012. We were over at my grandmother's house, I think I was reading through some magazines in that moment, when I heard a thump coming from his room. I ran to him and tried to keep him breathing and stop the bleeding from his head (turns out he had a brain hemorrhage), but by the time the ambulance arrived, he was already dead. Seeing my dad die in front of my very eyes and being unable to do a thing about it was pretty jarring.
I was very shocked until the ambulance arrived, at which point I calmed down. The next day I was already cracking jokes. My family thinks I'm heartless, but you see, as I said before, different people grieve in different ways. My grandma (my dad's mother) didn't cry, but she did feel depressed and mostly refuses to go out of her home. My mother fell into deep depression and was unable to function on her own for a while. My older brother was a bit down for the first few weeks, and then went back to normal.

But here's the interesting thing. All of us, even though our immediate reactions were extremely different, have our own way of remembering him. My mother still keeps all of his CDs and vinyls, my grandma has his broken glasses in her purse and his empty wallet, my brother has his old PC and all of his files saved on external hard drives and cloud storage, and I have his old cellphone (yes, I pay his mobile plan and the phone still works) and a few old videos and pictures of him.

When I feel a bit down, I read some of his old texts (there's one that I particularly like, where he tells my mom how proud he is of me), and when I accomplish something (e.g. when I scored 91/100 on my FCE exam, or got accepted into college) I send him a text. When I think I'm forgetting what his voice sounds like, I listen to his answering machine or to those videos.

Sorry for being kind of all over the place. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay not to spill your guts out to someone. But I don't think it's a good move to pretend nothing ever happened and nothing was lost, because it couldn't be any more different from that.
This person is gone but not forgotten. Honor their memory and honor what they meant to you as a person and how important your friendship/relationship was.

Having said this, I'd like to say I'm very sorry for your loss and I know how tough it can be. I wish you the very best in the aftermath of what happened, OP.

Not only do people cope with death in different ways, the same people deal with individual deaths in different ways across time. Some people have died and I felt like the world was going to come crashing down, yet it kept spinning. Some people died and I didn't feel much of anything, and the world kept spinning. Some people died and I thought it was a small mercy, and the world kept spinning. I think the first couple deaths can hit you hard, especially when you're young.
I think it's important to learn about grief, like Moogles said. This is not the first nor the last person to die, and learning how people cope is a useful tool for helping you to cope. That being said, unfortunately no one can grieve for you. It's something you'll have to do on your own, and it's painful and you'll make mistakes and you might hurt yourself or even other people while you're doing it. The thing to keep in mind is that we've all done it, and if we haven't we will soon.
You can't know how you'll feel about this in the future, so do your best now. If you want to cry, go ahead. It's reasonable. If you want to be stoic, go ahead. It's also reasonable. If you want to pack it away, go ahead. It's all reasonable.

I cope by not viewing death as a loss, and thinking about the good times I had with the person when I remember them. I've been through a lot, and I've realized it's easiest for me to take the love I had for a person and share it with those still around me.

I've never had to deal with losing someone I knew, so I can't say anything coming from experience, but most everyone here seems to have given solid advice:

Allow yourself to feel. Don't draw barriers in your thoughts and feelings, explore them, let yourself be sad and angry and confused, and even if you can't figure out why you feel that way, then that's okay. I think right now you're going to still feel shocked for a little while, but the realization will probably hit you sometime soon.

One of the most important things to understanding and moving on with losing someone, is that there really isn't a reason why they died (unless obviously they didn't die from natural causes but that isn't relevant in this case). People die, people are born, and time will continue to transpire. I'm not telling you to not wonder why they died, but it may not be satisfying or relieving for you. Cherish their heart, their soul, and keep memories of them with you. Remember the laughter, the tears, the times when the both of you were there for each other - eventually you'll find that even in death that person will still be there for you.

And...please, be kind to yourself. Whatever you do, do so freely. You aren't weak, and you aren't doing the wrong thing. Take things in stride. You'll learn to adjust to life without them being in it, and the pain you'll feel will perhaps be more akin to contentment with the knowledge that you had the chance to share life with someone so valuable to you. If you need to talk to someone to relieve the stress and the grief, then do it, if you need to cry, do it, or if you want to jus not think about them for now - do it. Do what you need to do to express yourself, so that you can have an opportunity to regain normalcy again. Just don't lose them, you know?

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you find a sense of peace.

Death is fleeting. People abhor death and deny it's existence. It's there and it always will be. My experiences will not help you; there is no solace to be found in the hollow words of others, much like there was no solace when my grandfather cursed me to his grave.

You dwell on death. If you hate it so much, dwell on life instead. Focus on what the living have accomplished. Regale yourself with the memories of the past. As you age, you will find death is going to follow you and your friends far more frequently.

Revel in the small time you do have.