FireEagle has a real point here. This looks dialogue heavy and is not formatted in a way that is appealing to the eyes.
Try to space your paragraphs out, it gives people a measure to see where they're at, and an easy way to get back into the story if and when they have to go.
Edit:
The writing here is not bad, but it's not good, either. It's cliched and all around generic when it is not violating some form of English convention.
For example: If your character curses, you don't write "Oh f-", you either write it in it's entirety or find a word that isn't so controversial to replace it that has a similar meaning. You can't take the middle road of implying that your character is cursing but writing it as if it is a middle school language assignment and you oh so badly want your character to curse but your teacher won't allow it. It reads childishly and amateurishly. I enjoyed some of the banter in the dialogue but it is not particularly memorable.
An all around slightly better than average fanfiction. It is not "rock my socks" wonderful but it's good enough for me to say definitely continue and refine your writing skills.
~TBOL
