Carnal Knowledge

Oh, how I love talking about such things!

For once, I'm gonna move my bimonthly thread revolving around sex from Treehouse into here simply because I don't feel like dealing with memes or posts bemoaning the distinct lack of sexual activity they wish they could have. I feel like having a more grounded discussion. As always, I prefer answers from those who have actually had a sexual encounter. But I'm also interested in the plethora of asexuals that exist on this forum, particularly as I've gathered that my own rather deep foray into sexual exploration is not typical of most asexuals on here. I'll be happy to talk about that if someone is curious about the broadness of the asexual spectrum, or if someone on the spectrum themselves volunteers a post in here.

I don't really have any particular goal in mind other than having a nice little forum on modern sexuality and all that goes with it. I don't make this with the intent of a debate, however if things turn out that way, so be it. I find it so interesting to hear about the intricacies of sexual exploration and finding out what one likes and doesn't like. It really is such a fun topic that never tires for me. Have you had much experience? How was your first time? What have you learnt about yourself? What do you like vs what don't you like? Do you have any advice for other people? Do you prefer monogamous sex or are you promiscuous? These are merely starting questions! Talk as you wish, talk with each other. Not that we're exactly starved of LGBT people on this site, but having a good mix between The Heteros and the LGBT community would be lovely. For those, of any sexuality/gender, who have yet to experience any sort of sexual moment, why is that? Is there something holding you back? A lack of interest on your end? Repulsion? That being said, this isn't a thread to detail your gripes about being unwanted by the general populace. I can't help you there if that is the case.

I'm waiting in anticipation.

I think it's interesting that you use the term "sexual exploration" since the first thing that comes to mind seeing those words is promiscuity, although I don't think that's necessarily what you intended. But it's reminded me of certain inferences I've heard from different people which, to be blunt, say that people who have had more sexual partners know themselves better than monogamous people and that monogamous people are somehow too restrained, too "vanilla".

Ohai, this seems like a pretty interesting topic as long as people keep being mature about it.

I'm a 24 year old straight guy. My first time was when I was 18, which was pretty late compared to the majority of my friends, which might be because I was a socially inept shutin and it was around that time I started being more social and going out.

My first time wasn't really that good. Nor was it romantic or anything. It was with a girl I barely knew after a night out while having too much booze. Not really the best setting. And tbh I was a bit disappointed afterwards. Not because of her but because sex in the media gets portrayed as the best most awesome thing in the world, while it obviously isn't.

The day after was kinda awkward and I never really had much contact with her afterwards.

During the years I did get more experience. I didn't have much actual relationships though, only two (and one being a long distance one which didn't work out on my behalf cause I couldn't cope with the distance). The one with my last ex ended a few months back. It was fun and we often went out, but I feel like it was too physical. We basically ended up in bed (or somewhere else) every single day we were together. Not that I complained but looking back on it, it wasn't really a good base to build a solid relationship on.

Apart from that I've also had a friend with benefits. Who is still one of my best friends. She's part of our usual clique, (there's four of us, for some reason I'm the only guy). So it was a bit weird since we were friends for years. We had a sleepover one time, the two of us and after watching a movie it just happened. We kept it going for several months, which was a lot of fun.
Since we didn't have a relationship there were no actual expectations, nor did we meet up just for having sex. It just happened when it happened and if it didnt that was okay as well. After several months we just stopped doing it. Neither of us regret it and we're still as close friends as ever.

Something I learned about myself? That I have a much gentler side than I knew I had before I had any sexual relationships. I'm someone who prefers a slow and longer buildup than going straight to the point.

I'm someone who's for monogamous sex when I'm in a relationship. Being in a relationship to me means you're binding yourself to one particular person. However when someone isn't in a relationship I think you can do whatever you want as long as you don't go trying to seduce someone who's already in a relationship.

I'm also someone who thinks sex with friends is okay when both are single, since I've had some good experiences with that and it didn't ruin any friendships. Besides, I'm unable to really have feelings for someone when they haven't been close friends at first.

Things that I like? Both parties putting enough effort in it. Some people expect others to do all the work which is pretty selfish in my opinion. There's two of you (or more if you're into that) so don't be greedy.

Something that really puts me off? My ex for some reason liked to put her tongue in my ear. Something I really didn't like.

I don't think I can really give any advice to others. Just do what you feel is the right thing to do I guess.

I also have some questions for asexual people, since I don't know much people who are (only one online friend tbh).

Did you have any negative experiences with sex that's the reason you don't want to have it?
Did you never had an interest in it?
Are you put off by the thought of having sex? As in, do you think it's something gross/repulsive?
Do you want the romantic part of a relationship? As in, everything else a relationship has to offer minus the sexual part?

I know the answers will probably vary per person. And sorry if my questions seem a bit too straightforward/narrow minded, since I barely know any asexual people I'm just wondering.

Either way, if anyone has questions feel free to ask. I'm a pretty open person so I don't mind answering them.

Esper said:

I think it's interesting that you use the term "sexual exploration" since the first thing that comes to mind seeing those words is promiscuity, although I don't think that's necessarily what you intended. But it's reminded me of certain inferences I've heard from different people which, to be blunt, say that people who have had more sexual partners know themselves better than monogamous people and that monogamous people are somehow too restrained, too "vanilla".

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Promiscuity doesn't have any draw to me. Granted, I've had sex with multiple people at once, but actual promiscuity a la seeking out consistent sexual partners with the single aim of sexual gratification holds no interest to me. However, in regards to that point about people tending to view monogamous people as rather bland and almost bound to chastity, I daresay I've done much more than the average self-proclaimed promiscuous person in regards to sheer experimentation.

Dracowyn said:

My first time wasn't really that good. Nor was it romantic or anything. It was with a girl I barely knew after a night out while having too much booze. Not really the best setting. And tbh I was a bit disappointed afterwards. Not because of her but because sex in the media gets portrayed as the best most awesome thing in the world, while it obviously isn't.

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It's always odd to me when people say they feel let down by what they felt after they lost their virginity. Not due to the fact that my first time was utterly glorious and exceeded my expectations multiple times, but because it's odd to me that people walk into sex thinking that their first time is universally going to be great and something to look upon with pride. Particularly as the extreme likelihood of the matter is that it is going to be two awkward people grossly splayed out on one another, unsure and afraid.

I also have some questions for asexual people, since I don't know much people who are (only one online friend tbh).

Did you have any negative experiences with sex that's the reason you don't want to have it?

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No, nothing so disastrous that it actively created a repulsion of sex. It's always been there to some degree.

Did you never had an interest in it?

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I like facilitating other people's arousal - I enjoy things that don't have to do with, well, spreading my legs. So I'm interested in that. I like the idea of treating things as experiments. But I don't have any real connection to any of it, as detailed later.

Are you put off by the thought of having sex? As in, do you think it's something gross/repulsive?

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I am occasionally repulsed by the whole idea, but it's more to do with two other things than just the act of sex itself. The first part is physical attraction has always been more or less negligible for me, I just don't experience that sort of physical attraction to other people, whether it be the innocent crush or outright lust. Not fully, but almost totally devoid there. I'm not blind so I can recognise when people are attractive, but there's a disconnect between that recognition and actually feeling it. Some kind of button is definitely in the off position.

The second part, and the most influential aspect, is that sex is always going to feel somewhat repulsive to me whilst there's a disconnect between my gender and my current body. Sex 'as a man' is gross to me. Without getting into too much detail, I think a lot of my asexuality stems from not being comfortable with genitalia (my own or other people's) and not liking the thought of sexual interaction while in this 'form'. But this could very well be remedied if/when I transition in the future.

Do you want the romantic part of a relationship? As in, everything else a relationship has to offer minus the sexual part?

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I'd be quite happy to never have sex again and just have romance, but part of a relationship is compromise. It'd be selfish of me to just want the romance and not fulfill the needs of the other person. But it is also important to want to fulfill their desires, not just do it out of obligation. When I was having sex with my current on/off boyfriend, it was wonderful because he understood me entirely and in turn, I wanted to please him. I still had that general feeling of distaste, but it was not impacting in any way and I truly enjoyed the experience, something I hadn't ever had before.

I know the answers will probably vary per person. And sorry if my questions seem a bit too straightforward/narrow minded, since I barely know any asexual people I'm just wondering.

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Wanting to know more is already good enough.

Honestly I've only had sex once, and the only thing that happened was that I received a blowjob from a girl I had just met, and this happened a couple of years ago during a new year's party at a bar that I attended with a friend.

Normally I'm too shy and oblivious to make a move towards a girl. When alcohol becomes apart of the equation, I'm just oblivious.

Guess I'm going to come in and speak as someone from the plethora of asexuals, haha. Anyway, although participating in sex doesn't particularly interest me, I still find it a pretty interesting subject. Not something I wanna do, but just. Fascinating to the point where I like to read about it (I wouldn't dare watch it) and even write it. Sexuality, or sexual exploration if that's the term we're using here haha, is interesting from an outside standpoint. Like. I mean I guess I kind of understand why people would want to do that stuff (it just takes very certain circumstances for me) but for the most part I'm just like "wow people do this shit." Haha.

As for my personal life though, I don't have much experience aside from...I guess I've done a little bit of everything apart from actually having sex. It's two major things -- my lack of interest/stimulation (I sometimes wonder if I'm more completely asexual rather than demisexual) and fear of pregnancy. It's the perfect combination for abstinence, I swear. lol

ruins thread with boring ass post sorry haha

Harley Quinn said:

It's always odd to me when people say they feel let down by what they felt after they lost their virginity. Not due to the fact that my first time was utterly glorious and exceeded my expectations multiple times, but because it's odd to me that people walk into sex thinking that their first time is universally going to be great and something to look upon with pride. Particularly as the extreme likelihood of the matter is that it is going to be two awkward people grossly splayed out on one another, unsure and afraid.

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True. Now that I'm older, I know it's stupid to have expectations like that. At that age sex basically gets overhyped and the majority of those who already had it are bragging about it for some reason.

But you're right, I doubt many people had a really great first time. You're nervous af, you have no clue what to do, you're embarassed etc... Of course it can't be really good.

I guess it's just part of being a teen, having an unrealistic view on the world and expecting way too much than you should.

Also thanks for replying to my questions, it's really interesting to see how someone with a different orientation than me thinks about it.

Ludger said:

ruins thread with boring ass post sorry haha

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Nah, why would your post be boring? It's how you feel and think about it and that's what this thread is about. And I kinda understand why you think that. Cause if you really think about it, the act of having sex is something pretty gross

My first time I had just turned 15 and I have to say it was pretty good. I hear a lot of people complain about it being awkward and not good and perhaps I just got lucky. Sure the start is awkward but when you get into it, it does get better (But I suppose my first time being with someone who was 18 and experienced may have helped)

The coming weeks really spoiled my first time, find out she was extremely unfaithful to me butttttttt thats more about love so lets not go there on this thread...

Being a sports player, it kind of intertwines itself when the female and male sides of whatever sporting club you're apart of mingle. I lot of alcohol fueled sexual activity can occur and with more than just 1 other person mind you... I won't go into it, but sporting culture can be extremely eye opening and very very strange. This is just one experience I've had with sexual activity, and they used to occur during every weekend. Especially if you're an extremely skilled player or your team is continuously winning games of sport, you tend to party quite a lot, with the added bonuses (or not, depending how you look at it). Although this has happened a bit to me, it's most of the time quite meaningless are not the experiences I'd base anything on, just a bit of over the top fun really. (Safe fun tho, don't want no problems)

My main experiences are with people I've had feelings for. I'm hopeless when it comes to girls and I'll love them more than they love me. Emotion driven sex, for me personally is on a whole different level to "just having sex". You connect with the person on another level and experience some quite wonderful things, and well, if you share my views and how I feel, sex is good.

I wen't through an extremely dark period after the girl of my dreams broke up with me, where sex was like an outlet. A cover up, something I went to just to make me feel better. Did I use anyone? Maybe, not that any girl has ever said anything to me about these times spent with them. It isn't something I'm proud of, the whole friends of benefits because I'm too "emotionally damaged" to be anything else, but at the time it was a huge help

I've probably began to dribble on about some pointless stuff but I wanted to share some different things involved around sexual activity that some people who have had similar experiences can relate to it, or people who haven't can either go "wow thats amazing!" or "wow thats disgusting!", Which ever way you look at it I guess :P (No I am not addicted to sex either, I just thought I had interesting views and experiences to share with people that have happened in what I believe to be a relatively short period of time from the age of 15-19)

Ludger said:

Guess I'm going to come in and speak as someone from the plethora of asexuals, haha. Anyway, although participating in sex doesn't particularly interest me, I still find it a pretty interesting subject. Not something I wanna do, but just. Fascinating to the point where I like to read about it (I wouldn't dare watch it) and even write it. Sexuality, or sexual exploration if that's the term we're using here haha, is interesting from an outside standpoint. Like. I mean I guess I kind of understand why people would want to do that stuff (it just takes very certain circumstances for me) but for the most part I'm just like "wow people do this shit." Haha.

As for my personal life though, I don't have much experience aside from...I guess I've done a little bit of everything apart from actually having sex. It's two major things -- my lack of interest/stimulation (I sometimes wonder if I'm more completely asexual rather than demisexual) and fear of pregnancy. It's the perfect combination for abstinence, I swear. lol

ruins thread with boring ass post sorry haha

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Question: how do you feel about being the other person's object of desire/arousal? That is to say, you're not actually engaged in intercourse itself, but you are getting them off in one way or another. It's an interesting idea to me as intercourse itself is not exactly high on my Pleasure List. It really isn't stimulating or interesting, I agree. But I enjoy things like putting on shows or entertaining them as per their wishes, to put it lightly. Spoiler: nothing disgusting, lmao. But the point is that there are many ways to interact with the world of sexuality that don't have to involve the fear of pregnancy, many avenues to try and see what interests you or possibly stimulates you.

Not that it matters what happens! God knows I'd love total asexuality to be the future of all humanity. But I've always been one to preach for safe exploration and seeing what comes of it.

Harley Quinn said:

Question: how do you feel about being the other person's object of desire/arousal? That is to say, you're not actually engaged in intercourse itself, but you are getting them off in one way or another. It's an interesting idea to me as intercourse itself is not exactly high on my Pleasure List. It really isn't stimulating or interesting, I agree. But I enjoy things like putting on shows or entertaining them as per their wishes, to put it lightly. Spoiler: nothing disgusting, lmao. But the point is that there are many ways to interact with the world of sexuality that don't have to involve the fear of pregnancy, many avenues to try and see what interests you or possibly stimulates you.

Not that it matters what happens! God knows I'd love total asexuality to be the future of all humanity. But I've always been one to preach for safe exploration and seeing what comes of it.

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It would be really dependent on what I'm doing. And I would definitely have to like them a considerable amount, haha. But now that I think about it, I have done this. Whoops. So I guess I don't mind, it just (again) depends on what I'm doing exactly and who it's for.

Harley Quinn said:

God knows I'd love total asexuality to be the future of all humanity.

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I'd also prefer a world like this. Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my sexuality. I prefer the romantic/companionate aspects of relationships and sometimes sex stuff just makes things messy (figuratively) and causes conflicts. I've seen it in myself and in other people.

Well, I thought this would be fun to answer.

I'm on both sides, sort of. I have three conflicting views on the matter. I will be putting a little love into one of my views, so I do hope that is excused.

My dominate view is seeing it as a disease or afflition. A poster mentioned that they wished they could turn it off, and I am working on it. The urge itself is what bothers me, because it can come up when it wants, and its very hard to resist. It can even put all sorts of reasons into the mind on why I need sex, or to touch myself right then and there. It can play out illusions of physical pain if I don't satisfy the urge, and it disgusts me.

The second view is that I would like intimate contact with a few people, and I can see myself enjoying it a lot. I've had a couple of girlfriends, and they were some fun times. I've been out with a few girls, and those were also fun. But I've never done the act itself with someone, though I have been close.

View three is that the times I have gotten close weren't really "the best thing ever" as many people would have you believe. It wasn't really satisfying is the point. Even getting close wasn't fun, and I've been close enough to know that it wouldn't be. If you look at our bodies, you can see how disgusting they really are, from a rational view. It's the lust that makes them look fantastic, and the urge itself is like a hunger. I, however, wouldn't mind being with girl again, as most of those times were light hearted and nice.

That's my take on the issue. I like intimacy, but I find the urge itself to be a problem. I don't know if that's asexual, because if I was with a girl again, I wouldn't mind it, and might even push for it.

Esper said:

I'd also prefer a world like this. Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my sexuality. I prefer the romantic/companionate aspects of relationships and sometimes sex stuff just makes things messy (figuratively) and causes conflicts. I've seen it in myself and in other people.

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On the flip side, I (occasionally) wish I could turn on my sex drive so I could be a better partner. Like... I worry that one day there will be a conflict due to my sexual inhibition - letting them down, making them feel unfulfilled, not providing my end of the 'contract', etc. I hate the idea that I'll be causing resentment based on the simple fact that I can't feel the same way they do. Mind you, this has caused one person to call it off with me, but we were never in a relationship. It's a lot better in this particular relationship, but I digress. Sex/sexual desire is so unnecessary to how I function that the other person should be willing to compromise as well. It would be cruel on both ends if I were forced to feign sexual desire just so the other person could get off, even if I did deeply love them and all that sweet stuff.

Esper said:

I'd also prefer a world like this. Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my sexuality. I prefer the romantic/companionate aspects of relationships and sometimes sex stuff just makes things messy (figuratively) and causes conflicts. I've seen it in myself and in other people.

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To make an omelette you've got to break some eggs.

Harley Quinn said:

On the flip side, I (occasionally) wish I could turn on my sex drive so I could be a better partner. Like... I worry that one day there will be a conflict due to my sexual inhibition - letting them down, making them feel unfulfilled, not providing my end of the 'contract', etc. I hate the idea that I'll be causing resentment based on the simple fact that I can't feel the same way they do. Mind you, this has caused one person to call it off with me, but we were never in a relationship. It's a lot better in this particular relationship, but I digress. Sex/sexual desire is so unnecessary to how I function that the other person should be willing to compromise as well. It would be cruel on both ends if I were forced to feign sexual desire just so the other person could get off, even if I did deeply love them and all that sweet stuff.

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At the same time, it would be cruel for them to suppress a part of themselves that they need expressed for personal and relationship fulfilment. I think that's something that needs to be communicated clearly and early. Radical differences in sexuality is a big dealbreaker for a lot of people, so it's important that the differences are known before both people get too committed.

Kanzler said:

At the same time, it would be cruel for them to suppress a part of themselves that they need expressed for personal and relationship fulfilment. I think that's something that needs to be communicated clearly and early. Radical differences in sexuality is a big dealbreaker for a lot of people, so it's important that the differences are known before both people get too committed.

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You are right there - I thought all that was implied in my earlier posts in the thread, if it wasn't clear then I apologise. A relationship is about compromise and understanding, but if it comes to a point where there is no bridge for the sexual divide, then it cannot work.

It's interesting I guess, whilst my sexual experience is far from expansive the one thing I have learned is that I'm not that interested in experiencing sexual things. It's fun and orgasms are great and all but I've always enjoyed emotional contact more than sexual contact and have always found more fulfillment in fulfilling a partners needs than in my own satisfaction.

I do find the actual subject of human sexuality interesting from a psychological standpoint though. It's such a complex and unique topic and makes up so much of our behaviour.

I'm in a weird place on the spectrum of sexuality I guess, I'm not asexual or anything exotic, I identify as regular old heterosexual but I don't place much importance at all in sexual encounters and have been known to even refuse them.

I was homeschooled until I was 15 so I was pretty sexual repressed, and I mean zero female interaction in that time, and that's probably why I went ape-**** crazy after that, sexually speaking. It took about a year in public school for me to contact my sexual appetite, and after that things got wild man. I've always been both adventure seeking and open minded and my first experiences really affirmed those qualities. I got bored with the bedroom scene pretty quick and moved on to pretty risky scenarios (on my parents roof, public parks etc). It was all pretty exclusive though, I guess I was really into the intimacy of it still. or something, I donnu. first experience was nice but casual, and sorta spontaneous, lasted about five seconds hahaha

now I'm definitely more promiscuous since college. I don't have the damn time to be investing in some silly relationship that'll tax me emotionally so I just do flings. although it might just be some gung ho phase or something, who knows, but it's fun either way rofl. last winter I almost joined the mile high club with a spanish girl I was sitting next to but we got busted by the flight attendant and I will always regret that

so yeah, I used to trip out about the whole intimacy part of sex but now it's purely pleasure. maybe it's a defense machanism from all the bad experiences I've had but it is what it is man

also I will just say that my sexual experiences have gotten 100000 times better since I've quit porn/masturbation. don't know if that's relevant but uhhh I'll throw it out there for you guys to chomp on

Spiff said:

also I will just say that my sexual experiences have gotten 100000 times better since I've quit porn/masturbation. don't know if that's relevant but uhhh I'll throw it out there for you guys to chomp on

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(exhibitionism sure is fun btw)

I'm curious about this - the only times I've watched porn were the famous Paris Hilton & Kim K tapes, and that was just because 'wow! pop culture!' than anything to do with sex. So I'm very much disconnected from that lifestyle and don't know much about the apparent allure of porn to the average person. As for masturbation, god knows the last time I did anything there. Back when I was most frequently having sex I didn't need to do any sort of self-pleasure because, y'know, what's the point. And even when I withdrew from sex completely (until a few encounters with my current boyfriend) and wasn't engaging with the Sexual World as a whole, masturbation was literally just a twice a year thing, out of boredom no less. So I find it so odd when people talk about how not watching porn/masturbating apparently increases the pleasure in their sex life exponentially. It's just such a jarring thing to me, that masturbation is such a heavy presence in one's life that they felt like they needed to abstain from it entirely in order to have a better lifestyle.

drinking drinking water.

Harley Quinn said:

(exhibitionism sure is fun btw)

I'm curious about this - the only times I've watched porn were the famous Paris Hilton & Kim K tapes, and that was just because 'wow! pop culture!' than anything to do with sex. So I'm very much disconnected from that lifestyle and don't know much about the apparent allure of porn to the average person. As for masturbation, god knows the last time I did anything there. Back when I was most frequently having sex I didn't need to do any sort of self-pleasure because, y'know, what's the point. And even when I withdrew from sex completely (until a few encounters with my current boyfriend) and wasn't engaging with the Sexual World as a whole, masturbation was literally just a twice a year thing, out of boredom no less. So I find it so odd when people talk about how not watching porn/masturbating apparently increases the pleasure in their sex life exponentially. It's just such a jarring thing to me, that masturbation is such a heavy presence in one's life that they felt like they needed to abstain from it entirely in order to have a better lifestyle.

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I would say it has to do with the stimulation aspect. When you masturbate daily, the pleasure becomes common, like eating cake all the time. It's only when you eat cake every so often that it become really enjoyable.


That is also what can make some people care a lot about sex, and some not so much, in part.


Thanks for reading!

Harley Quinn said:

(exhibitionism sure is fun btw)

I'm curious about this - the only times I've watched porn were the famous Paris Hilton & Kim K tapes, and that was just because 'wow! pop culture!' than anything to do with sex. So I'm very much disconnected from that lifestyle and don't know much about the apparent allure of porn to the average person. As for masturbation, god knows the last time I did anything there. Back when I was most frequently having sex I didn't need to do any sort of self-pleasure because, y'know, what's the point. And even when I withdrew from sex completely (until a few encounters with my current boyfriend) and wasn't engaging with the Sexual World as a whole, masturbation was literally just a twice a year thing, out of boredom no less. So I find it so odd when people talk about how not watching porn/masturbating apparently increases the pleasure in their sex life exponentially. It's just such a jarring thing to me, that masturbation is such a heavy presence in one's life that they felt like they needed to abstain from it entirely in order to have a better lifestyle.

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I don't really think masturbation is the issue really, it's a natural thing and humans are not the only species to engage in it by any means. Pornography on the other hand is a pure super stimulus and imo even casual use can cause deeper clinical issues than we're probably aware of. What's ****ed up is how most societies have accepted it as a normal behavior in both sexes, which I consider comparable to the pro-cigarette propaganda of the 1930s. Either way, I suspect that the public perspective of porn will change quite a bit in the coming decades

http://www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/6/3/17/htm