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[Pokémon] The Legacy

TheBringerOfLife

TheReviver
43
Posts
9
Years
  • This fanfiction chronicles the journey of Dawn and Al in The Legacylocke. The Background, rules, and overview can be read in the "Challenges" section.
    Enjoy.

    Have you ever looked back on your life and wondered what you would do if you did it differently? Have you ever looked back on your life and decided if you had ever even made a difference, or who will remember you when you die? Have you ever wondered if you made a difference at all, who would remember your legacy?
    Perhaps many people would remember you, maybe only a few, or maybe no one, perhaps you'd fall of the face of the Earth with no one to remember you. Maybe when you die a whole country will weep.
    Weep for the boys and girls, the men and women this story is about. This is their life, their legacy,
    and you have a front row seat.

    Chapter I, A Fresh Start

    Dawn woke up and stretched, excited for the day in which his adventure would start. His mother had put this off for fifteen years, but now he was finally old enough and mature enough for her to allow him to begin, on the two conditions that he went with someone she knew and that he came back to visit her, often. Dawn had agreed, and decided to take his friend of three years, Al with him. Al was a girl, a little younger than him, and they had been friends for a while. Sometimes, at school, they would fantasize about journeying all around Kanto, fighting trainers, beating gyms, and collecting badges, all the while making friends with Pokemon and other trainers alike. Sometimes, Dawn even said that he'd be better than the legendary trainer, Red.
    If he wanted to start, he'd better start quickly, Red was only getting better.
    Dawn hopped out of bed and made it quickly, before throwing on a white T Shirt and jeans, and strolled down the stairs calmly.
    "Hello mother." He said, as he neared the bottom of the stairs.
    "Hi Dawn!" She said, smiling.
    "I packed about a weeks worth of food in your backpack, along with some clothes and your toothbrush. Can't forget that, now can we!" His mother teased.
    "As a matter of fact, you should get on top of that right now, I can smell you from here!" She said, smiling devilishly and making Dawn blush.
    "You cannot!" He said, blushing and smiling, but grabbing his toothbrush and running to the bathroom.
    He lathered the brush with toothpaste and brushed his teeth swiftly, so very excited for the adventure that was to come, and even more excited to be taking it with Al.
    When he finished he exited the bathroom he put his toothbrush back in his bag.
    "Professor Oak left you an early present in the mailbox. Check it out!" She said, smiling.
    Dawn strolled out the house and checked the mailbox.
    "Oh, a potion." He said, smiling. "Does it come with instructions?" He asked to no one in particular, deciding he'd just ask Professor Oak about it when he saw him. He walked back inside, and opened the door to two arms pulling him into a hug.
    "I'll miss you, baby!" Dawn's mother said. Dawn tensed up, not really used to human contact, but returned the hug for his mother's sake.
    "I'll miss you too, mother." He said, wanting to smile but not being able to muster the emotions required. As they pulled away Dawn's mother started to tear up a little.
    "Be safe!" She said, "And come back, all the time!" She said again.
    "I will, mother." Dawn said, as he walked out the house.
    ~~~~
    Dawn inhaled, sucking in the aroma of the world around him. He thought he'd may as well get used to it, as he probably had quite the adventure ahead of him. Besides, he'd probably be on the road often, and he'd have it no other way. He walked silently and calmly with his diminutive hands in the pockets of his straight little pants down the block to Al's house. He knocked on the door and waited.
    And waited.
    And then waited.
    Suddenly, the door swung open and there she was, standing there in the doorway, just as prepared as he was. She threw her arms out and hugged him softly, smiling and giggling. This was unexpected and he didn't have time to hug her back before she let him go. She didn't seem offended, and she didn't even seem to notice. This much emotion from Al was odd, as she was normally just as calm as him.
    But today was a special day, so he understood.
    "I'm so excited!" She exclaimed.
    "I am too." Dawn said.
    "We're gonna go all over Kanto together, fighting Pokemon and meeting new people!" She said.
    "But don't even think about becoming the Champion, that spot is mine!" She said, smiling mischievously at him.
    Dawn smiled back at her and shook his head.
    "Becoming the Champion was never on my mind in the first place." He said.
    She smiled, rolled her eyes, and scoffed.
    "How can you become better than Red if you don't become the Champion?" She asked.
    Dawn smiled and put his hands in his pockets.
    "One's battling accomplishments do not necessarily make them a better trainer. I'll just have to find him. And beat him." He said, calmly.
    "Alright then, Dawn. I'm sure you'll be able to, eventually!" She said, smiling.
    "Now lets go see Professor Oak!" She said.
    "Lets." He said, grinning something between devilish and honest.
    ~~~~~
    The pair arrived at Professor Oak's Laboratory in a timely manner, even though they walked quite slowly.
    "Welcome you two, welcome!" He said.
    "Come here, have a seat." He said, smiling. The old man was looking older by the second, his white hair balding and his back hunched a little. Dawn noticed a walking cane in the corner of the room and was wondering why Oak wasn't using it, or why he wasn't retired yet. His love for Pokemon must be very strong for him to continue working so long, and Dawn respected this greatly.
    "Hello there, Professor." Dawn said, sitting down next to Al and looking up at the man.
    "How are you?" He asked.
    The Professor looked at Dawn and smiled. The pair could tell that Oak was feeling very happy for them, and this brightened their spirits greatly, as not only were their parents happy for them, but so was one of the greatest Pokemon Professors in the world.
    "How am I?" The Professor asked. "A better question would be, how are you two?"
    Dawn smiled and Al chuckled a little.
    "I-I'm excited." Dawn said.
    "Good." The Professor said. "I'm so excited for you too."
    There is a pause while Professor Oak walks to the back and rummages around. Items of insignificant and considerable weight can be heard hitting the ground while Oak digs around in the back of the Lab for something. Eventually he comes out with two Pokeballs.

    "These are your first friends." He said, smiling. He stretched out his left hand, his smile growing wider. A picture projects onto a screen behind the Professor and the lights dim. The picture is of a Bulbasaur.
    "This is Bulbasaur." He said. "He's a lonely fellow and not very sociable. He is a grass type and is quite easy to train, but will also grow to be very strong, if you treat it well. He's tiny, at only about a foot tall, but don't let that fool you! Treat it badly and it may bite with its fangs or scratch with its claws, so please make sure treat it very well." He paused to catch his breath while Al smiled, she seemed entranced by this Pokemon, and had already seemed to have made up her mind. Professor Oak inhaled and began to speak again. "Bulbasaur has a plant on its back that is about a foot tall as well. The plant on its back is essential to its survival, and cannot be taken off. If the plant is harmed in any way, make sure to get Bulbasaur to a Pokemon Center, quickly. There are also vines inside of the plant, which Bulbasaur can strike with, although this particular Bulbasaur doesn't know how to do that yet. As well as this, Bulbasaur are infamously sensitive, and under stress will sulk about and perhaps go into a hibernation-like state in which it will sleep for days at a time. Sunlight and positive reinforcement really help, so make sure you treat it well, even if your Bulbasaur gets depressed." Al's eyes lit up, she seemed fully engrossed in this Pokemon, and Dawn himself recognized it. He had already, by this point, resigned to letting Al have Bulbasaur while he took whatever Pokemon is in the Professor's right hand. "Now, Bulbasaur is completely herbivorous, so it will never have to hunt. Just let it out of its Pokeball every now and again to eat plants, and it will be just fine." He said. "Lastly," he continued, "Although Bulbasaur is docile and slow to anger, when Bulbasaur is angry or intimidated, it will releases a sort of poison spore, which is very, very toxic. If a human comes in contact with this poison, treat them with an antidote or call a center immediately, as their poison is toxic enough to kill. If it is truly infuriated, it will, without restraint, attempt to whip or bite the aggressor, humans included. When it is truly hurt, it will either run away, or its body will flood itself with adrenaline, making it faster and more powerful. Trainers like Red have decided to call this Overgrow." He said.
    "Oh. One last thing." He paused and inhaled.
    "Bulbasaur prefers to be in his Pokeball."
    Al nodded her head and raised her hand.
    "Yes Al?" Oak asked.
    "Is Bulbasaur a boy or a girl? And does Bulbasaur have a name?"
    Oak chuckled. "I'm not sure, let me go check the records." He said. Professor Oak strolled to the computer and presumably checked Bulbasaur's profile.
    "Bulbasaur is a male, and he doesn't have a name, that's for one of you to decide." He said, smiling.
    "Oh yay!" Al said, smiling herself.
    "Now, which one of you would like Bulbasaur?" Oak asked
    Dawn looked over at Al, and Al looked at Dawn. They engaged in a short nonverbal conversation and Al smiled at Dawn in such a way that says "Thank you..." They both turn to Oak and Al smiled softly
    "I'll be taking Bulbasaur." She said.
    "What shall you name him?" He asked.
    Al gasps and looks around, apparently she hadn't even thought of this in her excitement.
    "Oh, umm..." She muttered. "I uh, hadn't really uh, you know..."
    Oak chuckled. "We'll wait."
    After a few seconds Al looked up and smiled.
    "Buba!" She said. "Buba will be Bulbasaur's name."
    Oak chuckled at such a simple name. "Okay then, Buba it is." Oak released Buba from his Pokeball and he simply stared up at this new face. Al and Buba have a few short moments of eye contact before Buba tilts his head and makes a friendly grunt.
    "Do they understand English?" Al asked.
    Oak nods his head. "Most do, especially the very smart ones like Gengar and Mewtwo, but none of them can actually speak it, verbally, at least. We've trained some to write and some have been rumored to be able to speak telepathically, but that hasn't been proven yet." He said. "Some, the ones with prehensile limbs can actually be taught to write at around a ninth grade level. Maybe you'll be able to teach Buba how to write!"
    Al smiled at Oak softly. "Yeah, maybe." She said, before looking back down at Buba.
    "Hi there, sweetie!" She said softly to the lonely little creature.
    "Bulb..." He said, before looking at the ground.
    "Can you understand me?" She asked.
    The lonely little Pokemon backed away and growled a little, before seemingly nodding his head and speaking. "Bulba bulb..." He vocalized.
    "Your name is Buba, and I'm your trainer. We're gonna have a lot of fun together!" Al said.
    Buba seems to smile and moves closer to Al.
    "Ready to go back in your Pokeball?" Al asked, and Buba nodded in the affirmative.
    Oak threw Al the Pokeball and she caught it gracefully, before putting Buba back in his Pokeball.

    "Now." He said, holding out his right hand. A picture of a Squirtle projects onto the screen behind him, replacing the Bulbasaur.
    "This is Squirtle." He said. "Squirtle is a gentle thing, and doesn't like to inflict pain. He is a water type and is a little bit harder to train than a Bulbasaur, but not too hard. Just like Bulbasaur, he will grow to be very strong, if you treat him well and train him better. Squirtle is about a foot and a half tall, and while sensing danger, will retreat into his shell for protection. His shell is very hard and will prove to be unbreakable for most Pokemon." Oak smiled, seemingly looking forward to what he was about to say. "This Squirtle has displayed an abnormal love for water, and especially swimming. Most Squirtle do like the water, but this one has been observed sleeping in calm lakes for days at a time. This indicated he probably has larger lungs than most, and you should definitely take him swimming later. Also, like Bulbasaur, when Squirtle feels endangered, and is sufficiently hurt, his body will flood with adrenaline, and, like Bulbasaur, will become far quicker and more powerful. Trainers like Red have dubbed this as Torrent." Oak paused and inhaled for a moment.
    "Squirtle is omnivorous, but loves fish. Leave him in a river and he will snack on fish and Magikarp, and you will never have to feed him, except at first, of course, before he's old enough and strong enough to actually hunt. Strangely, he also enjoys eating birds, and has attempted to blast them with water while they are in the air. Comically, since he's so young, when he tried, all he ended up doing was drooling." He said, chuckling. Dawn and Al laugh too.
    "Hah, that's pretty cute." Dawn said.
    "Lastly, although Squirtle is docile, if you treat him badly, or he sees someone else as a threat, he can hurt you, or any one else who threatens you. As of right now, he has quite the tackle, and can knock you off your feet if you aren't prepared. Of course, right now he won't hurt you too bad, but when he gets stronger, these tackles can become visits to a hospital. Also, he enjoys to play, but make sure he knows your limits, as he can accidentally hurt you if you are not able to tell him no, or stop."
    "Oh." Oak said.
    "One more thing, Squirtle doesn't like being in his Pokeball and would do best outside of it when it is possible."
    "Okay." Dawn said, smiling. He's glad he'll get to see his friend often.
    Oak looked at Dawn with soft, wise eyes.
    "What will you name him?" Oak asked. Dawn had been thinking about this beforehand and already knew. "Mizzle." He said. "SirMizzle."
    "Quite the creative name!" Oak said. "I like it!"
    Oak released SirMizzle from his Pokeball and SirMizzle jumped around and made a happy grunting noise before looking up at Dawn.
    "Hello there." Dawn said to the gentle creature.
    "I'm Dawn and I'm your trainer. Your name is Mizzle, SirMizzle."
    Squirtle jumped into Dawn's lap and pressed his body up against Dawn in a friendly fashion.
    "Squirtle!" He said.
    Dawn rubbed the top of SirMizzle's head and smiled before looking back up at Professor Oak.
    "Well, if there are no more questions, you two may begin. Your current goal is to catch Pokemon and make edits to the current Pokedex entries as, to be honest, Red and his peers did some really cool things, but their Pokedex entries..." He trailed off.
    "They're not the best."
    Dawn smiled and nodded his head, having a clear first goal in mind.
    "Alright, thank you professor!" Dawn said.
    "We'll be off now."
    Oak smiled and waved at the pair as they turn, open the door, and flood the Lab with Light.
    And so it began.
    ~~~~~
    Dawn and Al stood at the perimeter of Pallet Town, ready to take their first step into the unknown, together.
    "Lets take our first step at the same time." Dawn said. Al nodded her head.
    "One..."
    "Two..."
    "Three." And two legs move forward together.
    "Splotch."
    Al seemed to have stepped in a puddle and didn't even notice it, leaving a stain on her ankle and splashing some up on Dawn's shoes. Dawn laughed, he knew wearing white would be a problem on this journey.
    "Hey, you messed up my shoes." Dawn said, smiling at Al.
    "Well you shouldn't have worn white in the wild!" She said, smiling.
    Dawn chuckled. "Fair point." He said. He noticed that there are two paths to Pallet Town, one on the left, and one on the right.
    "Can you climb ledges?" Dawn asked Al.
    "Sure can!" She exclaimed.
    "Alright, you take the left side, and I'll take the right. We'll meet up at Viridian, okay?"
    "Okay! Beat you there~!" Al said, rushing off to her side of the route.
    Dawn started running towards Viridian at quite the quick pace, but he trips and stumbles a little due to his shoes not really being fit for running. All this stumbling makes a lot of noise, and he is cut off by a Ratatta. It growls at him menacingly and bares its teeth, ready to defend itself and its territory. Instinctively, SirMizzle jumped in front of the Ratatta and growled back, and not in a cute way.
    Dawn looked down at his friend with concerned eyes.
    "You sure you can do this?" He asked.
    The Squirtle looked back, almost offended, making a yelping noise as if to say, "Shut up, it is just a rat." Dawn chuckled and nodded. "Right then, lets do this."
    "Tackle him, Mizzle!" Dawn said. SirMizzle ran at the rat, throwing all his body weight at the poor thing. The shot connected on the rat's jaw, and the little rodent is sent flying backwards, and on the way down its back collides with the hard ground with an audible thud, however, it isn't going out so easily. The Ratatta got up swiftly, bruised from the tackle, and sprints at SirMizzle, throwing its own body weight at the turtle. It collided but barely pushed SirMizzle back, probably hurting itself more than the burly Squirtle. It growled and postures up, while SirMizzle sprints for another tackle, hurling himself at the rodent, colliding dead on with the rat's chest, sending it flying through the air and hitting a tree with great force. This impact rendered the rodent unconscious and it lay at the foot of the tree, twitching, but obviously still alive. SirMizzle turned to Dawn and smiled, mostly undamaged by the incident. Dawn ran up to his savior and smiled. "You did it, buddy!" He said, patting his friend on the head. They had failed to notice that the tree the rodent had slammed into had caused a flock of Pidgey to fly away, and a little baby Pidgey came walking up, wondering what had happened to its family.
    "Peeeggeee?" The Pidgey vocalized. This unfamiliar noise startled SirMizzle and he immediately turned around and growled.
    A bird.
    The Pidgey seemed surprised and attempted to run away, but SirMizzle would have none of that, rushing towards the bird and slamming it right into the tree it was born in, most likely severing its spine, killing it. Dawn looks on in simultaneous disgust and awe as SirMizzle bites into his kill's neck, eating it slowly, not wanting to rush its first self-caught meal. When he finished, he waddled over to Dawn and sat at his feet, his bloodstained mouth dripping red. Dawn looked at his friend and silently pulled a napkin out of his bag, wiping the Pidgey's blood from his Pokemon's mouth.
    "Lets keep going." He said, no longer running, but walking throughout the rest of Route One.
    ~~~~~
    Dawn and SirMizzle met Al at the gate to Viridian in a somber mood. Seeing his Pokemon violently tear another apart reminded him that the wild is just that, wild. There were no rules there, no laws, and things will die. It made him think about his own Pokemon. What if one day they were simply walking along a route, or in a cave, and something ferocious, an Onix or something, just slammed on his Pokemon, killing it instantly, leaving him stranded and alone in a cave? Who would he call on for help? Who would rescue him? He was beginning to have second thoughts until Al called out to him.
    "You're such a slowpoke." She said, smiling.
    "We've been waiting here for like half an hour!" She said, smiling even wider.
    Dawn looked at the ground. "Sorry." He said.
    "We got held up." He said, still looking at the ground. Al looked at him, concerned.
    "What do you mean?" She asked. "What held you up?"
    "A Ratatta." He said, looking up at Al. "We had to fight it."
    Al chuckled. "We fought a lot of things on our way here, and we didn't take that long! Buba even stopped to eat some plants." She said. "You two are just slowpokes. I mean he is a turtle, after all." She said, laughing at the little turtle.
    "Yeah, I suppose." Dawn said.

    The two walk into Viridian and are greeted by a city far larger than their own. This one had a Pokemart and a Pokemon Center. They already knew how Pokemarts worked, so they went inside and acquainted themselves with the way Pokemon Centers worked. After figuring out how Pokemon Centers operated, Al let Buba out of his Pokeball, and both of their Pokemon stood at their feet.
    "Okay, Dawn and I are going to get something to eat, and one of the nurses will leave food in food bowls to you over there." She said, pointing to a fenced corner of the Pokemon Center dedicated to Pokemon. There were a few other Pokemon in it, like a Ratatta with a collar that said "Ratty, Top %". The two Pokemon nodded and walked over to the corner while Dawn and Al sat at a table and bought salads with the 1000 Pokedollars Oak gave them both. The salad cost 100.00 and they sat and enjoyed their meal.
    "So, how'd it go?" Al asked Dawn over their salads.
    "It was alright." He said. Al was expecting much more enthusiasm.
    "Just alright? Is something wrong?" She asked. Dawn shook his head.
    "Well, no. I just didn't expect to see Mizzle tear a baby Pidgey apart on day one, and all..." Al gasps.
    "Mizzle ate a Pidgey? In front of you? Why?" She asked.
    Dawn sighed. "He was hungry, I guess." He said.
    Al sighed. "Oh..." She mutters. "I bet that was hard to watch."
    Dawn sighed again. "Yeah, it was..." He said.
    "But it's over now, lets just enjoy the night."
    The pair continue to eat while food for their Pokemon is delivered to them. They spend the night in two rooms and sleep well, preparing themselves for the next day.
    But now, today is over. Being that they're still alive, to them, this day is a good day.
     
    Last edited:

    Bay

    6,388
    Posts
    17
    Years
  • Oh, another Nuzlocke fic! I skimmed your Legacylocke thread a bit and the concept does sound interesting, hence why I'm here!

    One thing I notice right off the bat is you haven't double space between paragraphs. I know writing programs like Word and Google Docs have indention, but forums don't have those same features. Double space after each paragraph would make reading stories in forums easier to read. Something to consider!

    "I'll miss you, baby!" Dawn's mother said. Dawn tensed up, not really used to human contact, but returned the hug for his mother's sake.
    "I'll miss you too, mother." He says, wanting to smile but not being able to muster the emotions required. As they pulled away Dawn's mother started to tear up a little.
    "Be safe!" She says, "And come back, all the time!" She said again.

    The bolded parts are instances where you switched tenses.

    "We're gonna go all over Kanto together, fighting Pokemon and meeting new people!" She said.
    "But don't even think about becoming the Champion, that spot is mine!" She says, smiling mischievously at him.

    Since you have Al still speaking, you can have those combined into one paragraph. Besides that, I noticed you slip in a present tense again.

    "One's battling accomplishments do not necessarily make them a better trainer. I'll just have to find him. And beat him." He said, calmly.
    "Alright then, Dawn. I'm sure you'll be able to, eventually!" She said, smiling.
    "Now lets go see Professor Oak!" She said.
    "Lets." He said, grinning something between devilish and honest.

    Here you don't necessarily need to put "she said" twice as we're already aware Al is speaking. Either one of those is fine.

    Also something I noticed a lot when reading your dialogue. Often after a speaker speaks you have a period (if not a question or exclamation) instead of a comma and you capitalized the pronouns. Usually dialogues are formatted like this:

    "I really care about you," she said.

    When a dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag (she said, he replied, etc), the pronouns don't get capitalized. The only time a pronoun gets capitalized is if the dialogue doesn't follow a dialogue tag. Like this:

    "I really care about you." She turned around, not wanting George to see tears streaming down her face.

    Hope this makes sense!

    "Welcome you two, welcome!" He said.
    "Come here, have a seat." He said, smiling. The old man was looking older by the second, his white hair balding and his back hunched a little. Dawn noticed a walking cane in the corner of the room and was wondering why Oak wasn't using it, or why he wasn't retired yet. His love for Pokemon must be very strong for him to continue working so long, and Dawn respected this greatly.

    Another instance where you can combine the dialogue with the same speaker into one paragraph.

    There is a pause while Professor Oak walks to the back and rummages around. Items of insignificant and considerable weight can be heard hitting the ground while Oak digs around in the back of the Lab for something. Eventually he comes out with two Pokeballs.

    Quite a few tense slip-ups there.

    Dawn looked over at Al, and Al looked at Dawn. They engaged in a short nonverbal conversation and Al smiled at Dawn in such a way that says "Thank you..." They both turn to Oak and Al smiled.

    Bolded part should be "turned" I think. I won't pinpoint the other tense mistakes you did as you probably figured it out already, but yeah I noticed quite a lot of those while reading.

    I feel this sentence is a bit stiff and the "short nonverbal conversation" sounds awkward. I think the main problem is the wordiness, so if you cut down some words it'll flow better. Probably something like this:

    Dawn and Al looked at one another. His friend smiled at him in such a way that says, "Thank you...". They both turned to Oak and Al smiled.

    The Squirtle looked back, almost offended, making a yelping noise as if to say, "Shut up, it is just a rat." Dawn chuckled and nodded. "Right then, lets do this."

    I feel the "shut up, it's just a rat" is a bit strange. Maybe something like, "...making a yelping noise as if to say he could handle it" would sound better.

    While I'm no stranger to violence in written works and have reviewed several of those in this forum, the part where Squirtle eats Pidgey is a bit cartoonish to me. I can understand Pokemon probably eat one another for survival and you want to show that, but like Dawn it didn't sit well for me.

    So far the first chapter is on the slow side, especially with the infodump at the beginning. I understand though you want to set up a few things going on. Dawn and Al's friendship is somewhat underwhelming, but I'm assuming we'll have more interactions between them and things will picked up. I do think having Dawn doubting his journey after Squirtle's encounter with Pidgey is in interesting conflict and I wonder if you'll bring that sometimes.

    The main problems as far as mechanics go are dialogue punctuating/ formatting and tenses. Also I noticed (and haven't mentioned yet) you often have "he said, smiling".

    1) Tenses:
    I see you often switching between past and present tense, though I'm assuming you're going for past tense for your story. Tenses are my weakest grammar mistakes myself when I first started writing. One suggestion is after finishing a chapter let your story aside a couple days and then read it aloud to catch any tense mistakes.

    2) Dialogue punctuation/formatting:
    I noticed sometimes when someone speaks you have two paragraphs. Often when that's the case you just need one speaker.

    I already touched upon dialogue punctuation, but there are a couple articles I recommend checking out as those explain dialogue better than me. This one is straight to the one while this one is more in-depth. Dialogue punctuation can be tricky to many writers, so don't worry if you don't get everything the first time. Keep practicing and I'm sure you'll get the hang of it!

    3)"he said, smiling"
    Having this isn't itself bad, but it gets repetitive. You can mix it up with a different word like grinning and beaming. Also you can add a little more detail, for instance: "he said, a smile stretched across his face."

    Sorry if all of this is overwhelming! I noticed a few things that could be improved on and wanted to give some advice. As I mentioned your legacylocke project does sound interesting so I'll still be sticking around. Good luck on your challenge and future chapters!
     

    TheBringerOfLife

    TheReviver
    43
    Posts
    9
    Years
  • Ooooh yay, criticism. I'll make sure to learn from them and clean them up for chapter two.

    The bolded parts are instances where you switched tenses.
    Yes, I knew I'd have some tense slip ups in there somewhere, I had started in the present and switched to the past, and I supposed I missed a few tenses. I'll clean those up in the second chapter, for sure.


    When a dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag (she said, he replied, etc), the pronouns don't get capitalized. The only time a pronoun gets capitalized is if the dialogue doesn't follow a dialogue tag. Like this:
    "I really care about you." She turned around, not wanting George to see tears streaming down her face.
    Yeah, I don't normally write fiction or dialogue, so this is good to know.

    I feel the "shut up, it's just a rat" is a bit strange. Maybe something like, "...making a yelping noise as if to say he could handle it" would sound better.
    I thought about something like this but I needed to show somehow that even though Mizzle is gentle he still has his immature moments, he's still a kid and will be quite crude occasionally.

    While I'm no stranger to violence in written works and have reviewed several of those in this forum, the part where Squirtle eats Pidgey is a bit cartoonish to me. I can understand Pokemon probably eat one another for survival and you want to show that, but like Dawn it didn't sit well for me.
    I'm not sure if this is just a matter of taste but a reason why it didn't sit well for you would have been appreciated.

    So far the first chapter is on the slow side, especially with the infodump at the beginning. I understand though you want to set up a few things going on. Dawn and Al's friendship is somewhat underwhelming, but I'm assuming we'll have more interactions between them and things will picked up. I do think having Dawn doubting his journey after Squirtle's encounter with Pidgey is in interesting conflict and I wonder if you'll bring that sometimes.
    I don't want to force too much interaction between Dawn and Al, especially early on. But yes, it will pick up pretty soon. However I don't know what you mean by "...bring that sometimes."

    Thanks for the criticism, I'll take it to heart and improve it for the second chapter.
     

    Bay

    6,388
    Posts
    17
    Years
  • Yeah, I don't normally write fiction or dialogue, so this is good to know.

    Understandable writing dialogue won't be easy at first if you're starting out writing fiction. Like I said, practice!

    I thought about something like this but I needed to show somehow that even though Mizzle is gentle he still has his immature moments, he's still a kid and will be quite crude occasionally.

    I can see where you're getting at, but since you're writing this in Dawn's POV he probably won't exactly know if Mizzle said that or not. Him moreso assuming an action would make more sense to me.

    I'm not sure if this is just a matter of taste but a reason why it didn't sit well for you would have been appreciated.

    There was another fanfic
    that has a Ponyta's head cut off and a couple reviewers mentioned that being a bit cartoonish compared to the story's context. Similar situation in which the beginning is calm but then Mizzle full out eating Pidgey is a bit jarring. I guess for Mizzle's scene the violence could be more subtle instead of full out eating it in one go. For instance, perhaps Mizzle only ate the wings, legs, and some meat. If you disagree with me on that, though, then understandable.


    I don't want to force too much interaction between Dawn and Al, especially early on. But yes, it will pick up pretty soon. However I don't know what you mean by "...bring that sometimes."

    By bring that sometimes I meant the subject of Mizzle's violence towards Pidgey and Dawn wondering if he'll handle more situations like that. Sorry if I wasn't clearer the first time.

    Glad to hear you appreciate my feedback!
     

    TheBringerOfLife

    TheReviver
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  • There was another fanfic that has a Ponyta's head cut off and a couple reviewers mentioned that being a bit cartoonish compared to the story's context. Similar situation in which the beginning is calm but then Mizzle full out eating Pidgey is a bit jarring. I guess for Mizzle's scene the violence could be more subtle instead of full out eating it in one go. For instance, perhaps Mizzle only ate the wings, legs, and some meat. If you disagree with me on that, though, then understandable.

    I couldn't do that, I kept the "murder scene" short as to not get too graphic, but I seem to have made it seem like he ate it whole. Unfortunately that is not what I was getting at, I meant more he ate parts of it and left it behind. For the vultures, perhaps.

    By bring that sometimes I meant the subject of Mizzle's violence towards Pidgey and Dawn wondering if he'll handle more situations like that. Sorry if I wasn't clearer the first time.

    Most likely, although violence won't be very heavy in this fanfiction. It focuses more on the relationships between the characters.
     
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