Pokémon: The Kingdom in the sky

titanior · Mar 15, 2015

5 years before I was born, a bunch of rich and noble people decided to put there money together to make a Kingdom in the sky. Three years after the decision to make it, the Kingdom was created. They made it so it would float in the air. Anyone who was rich or was noble got to live in the Kingdom, but anyone who didn't make the cut, had to live below the Kingdom on real ground they were called "Terra's". The rich and nobles decided to pour their trash down on us who lived on the ground, so we lived in a huge junk yard. Our houses were made out of broken bricks and big sheets of metal, our clothes were normal clothes thrown away. One year before I was born, the rich and the nobles declared war against us, the Terra's, they slaughtered anyone they could find, so us the people of Terra wen't in hiding. But then in complete darkness a little light of hope started to shine, because the prophecy was had become true. Exactly one year from the declaration of war a child would be born in trash and in ruble, The prophecy was talking about me.

°13 Years Later°

I awoke with a pain in my lower back, so in pain I pushed all of the trash covering me that hid me from the Nobles. I sat up in pain and out of my lower back I pulled a red and white ball.

I got up and saw a trash bag shake and then it started to move. I quickly climbed into one of my hiding tunnels (I used them to hide from the Nobles, or get from one place to another). I peaked my head out and heard the trash bag start saying "Tru-Tru-Trubiiiishhh!" I quickly realized it was a pokémon, I had never seen a pokémon before because it was said that the Nobles took them into the kingdom in the sky.

I climbed out of my tunnel and slowly walked to the strange pokémon until it turned around, it suddenly charged at me. In fear I picked up a crowbar (that was next to my foot), and I hit it as hard as I could, the pokémon wen't flying! Then a sudden urge made me grab the strange ball out of my pocket, and without even noticing I threw the ball at the pokémon and the pokémon wen't inside the ball. The Ball started shaking until it stopped moving, nothing happened. I ran to the pokéball and then the same urge made me throw the pokéball again. The same pokémon came out before but this time it was a lot more friendlier.

The pokémon's name was Trubbish, I told him "Hi, I'm Tyler, I'm 13 the elder of our hidden village say's that I'm some sort of prophecy. See that big city up there in the sky? That's were the Nobles live, they slaughtered everyone in the other village I used to live in. I'll show you our village, just follow me."

I dove into one of my escape tunnels and started crawling with my new pokémon right behind me. We crawled for about half an hour until I climbed out.
We were in complete darkness so when I climbed out the bright light from the sun blinded me for a couple of seconds.

When I could see normal again I picked up Trubbish and walked for about 25 minutes until we reached the hidden village. I ran as fast I could to the Village elders house. I yelled:

"Elder! Elder! Look what I found in the back in district 14! It's a pokémon named Trubbish!"

The Elder looked at me and her eyes got huge. She said in a stern voice:

"Tyler, you know that the Noble's took all of the pokémon and that you're not aloud in district 14! That's were the Noble Scouts, scout every once in a while! Let me see what that creature is that you're holding"

I handed her my pokémon, and from the look on her face I could tell that she was surprised. She told me:

"Tyler...the Nobles have found out where our village is... Luckily there is another village that the Nobles don't know of and they too have some pokémon there. Tyler do me a favor, and take these 5 kids, they're your age, there name's are Jason, Max, Ashley, Andrew and Dawn. In 5 hours the Nobles are coming, and they're going to take us all to the Kingdom in the Sky. The village is a 3 day walk away, go there for our village."

I bolted out of the Elders house, and ran to the 5 kids houses. There parents were crying, but we had to leave. It had taken 1 hour to get Jason, Max, Ashley, Andrew and Dawn but once I got them all together we left.

°Back at the village, 4 hours later.°

A bunch of Nobles arrived with pokémon. The Captain of the Nobles,named Captain Nick Rider, yelled:

"Fellow Noble's send out the Arcanine's Now!"

6 Arcanine with Noble's on their backs ran towards the village, they captured all of the villagers and burned the town into ashes.

Bay · Mar 17, 2015

One year before I was born, the rich and the nobles declared war against us, the Terra's, they slaughtered anyone they could find, so us the people of Terra wen't in hiding.

"Weren't".

Exactly one year from the declaration of war a child would be born in trash and in ruble, The prophecy was talking about me.

I think this sentence would flow more if you replace the comma with a period.

In fear I picked up a crowbar (that was next to my foot), and I hit it as hard as I could, the pokémon wen't flying!Then a sudden urge made me grab the strange ball out of my pocket, and without even noticing I threw the ball at the pokémon and the pokémon wen't inside the ball.

"Went" in both cases.

The pokémon's name was Trubbish, I told him, "Hi, I'm Tyler, I'm 13 (thirteen) (I would also add an extra word like "and" here) the elder of our hidden village say's (take out the apostrophe) that I'm some sort of prophecy. See that big city up there in the sky? That's were (where) the Nobles live, they slaughtered everyone in the other village I used to live in. I'll show you our village, just follow me."

Noticed quite a few mistakes here, so I did some suggestions in bold red and blue.

Tyler do me a favor, and take these 5 kids, they're your age, there name's are Jason, Max, Ashley, Andrew and Dawn.

"Their names".

I bolted out of the Elder's house, and ran to the 5 (five) kids' houses. There (their) parents were crying, but we had to leave. It had taken 1 (one) hour to get Jason, Max, Ashley, Andrew and Dawn but once I got them all together we left.

Once again did corrections in bold red.

One thing I noticed a lot in your dialogue is you do this format:

He then said in a stern voice:

(dialogue)

That's usually not how you do dialogue. With dialogue the most common formats are:

"(dialogue)," he said in a stern voice.

Or:

"(dialogue)," he said in a stern voice. "(more dialogue)."

To give an example:

The Elder looked at me and her eyes got huge. She said in a stern voice:

"Tyler, you know that the Noble's took all of the pokémon and that you're not aloud in district 14! That's were the Noble Scouts, scout every once in a while! Let me see what that creature is that you're holding"

This one could be rewritten like this:

The Elder looked at me and her eyes got huge.

"Tyler, you know that the Noble's took all of the pokémon and that you're not aloud in district 14!" [S-HIGHLIGHT]she said in a stern voice.[/S-HIGHLIGHT] "That's where the Noble Scouts, scout every once in a while! Let me see what that creature is that you're holding."

Noticed how I moved around "she said in a stern voice" between the dialogue? Whenever you have "she said", "he replied", "he told him in a low voice", etc. that is called a dialogue tag. Dialogue tags you can have it before, in the middle, or after a dialogue within the same paragraph.

I would suggest checking a couple articles on writing dialogue. This one is short and straight to the point while this one is more indepth, but both are worth checking out! I would also check out some published books to see how writers punctuated their dialogue.

Another thing I noticed is you often have numbers written like "5", "25", etc. Usually in a narrative you spelled it out instead, so "five" instead of "5" and "twenty-five" instead of "25". Only exception is if the number is a huge one.

I think the concept of a "kingdom in the sky" and the conflict between the more privileged people up there and the less unfortunate below makes this a pretty cool premise. It's also interesting you're featuring Trubbish, a Pokemon not well-received when the fifth generation games came out, so kudos to you for that! I feel the emotions are lacking, though. For instance, after the narrator caught the Pokemon did he feel confused of what just happened? Excitement? A little of both? There are some pacing problems too.

"Tyler...the Nobles have found out where our village is... Luckily there is another village that the Nobles don't know of and they too have some pokémon there. Tyler do me a favor, and take these 5 kids, they're your age, there name's are Jason, Max, Ashley, Andrew and Dawn. In 5 hours the Nobles are coming, and they're going to take us all to the Kingdom in the Sky. The village is a 3 day walk away, go there for our village."

I bolted out of the Elders house, and ran to the 5 kids houses. There parents were crying, but we had to leave. It had taken 1 hour to get Jason, Max, Ashley, Andrew and Dawn but once I got them all together we left.

Here you have the elder say it's a three day walk, but the next paragraph you have the narrator bolted out the Elder's house and then to the other house immediately. You don't have to go in full blown detail what happened during the three day walk, but you could mention a bit more of the narrator's thoughts for a couple sentences or so. Maybe he's worried about their safety and if he'll make it in time. Maybe he's planning ahead and wondering where they'll go and how they'll survive. Maybe because those kids are around his age he might wonder if he'll get along with them or not. Very likely he'll think all of those thoughts and more that I haven't mentioned.

Overall I noticed several grammar/mechanical mistakes and the chapter, while the setup is decent, could benefit from better emotional description and pacing. After finishing a rough draft of a chapter I would leave it for a couple days and then proofread it to catch any mistakes. Also having someone else checking your story before you post it to offer you advice helps too. Like I said, though, I'm fascinated by the premise you have here and I think it has a lot of potential so I'll try my best to keep an eye on it. I wish you luck on future chapters!

titanior · Apr 4, 2015

CHAPTER 2:

We found out it wasn't going to be three days the hard way, because it took us a week to get there. On the third day we thought we were getting close because we weren't walking through trash we actually walked through grass.

It was the first time I had ever seen grass in my life, actually in our lives. When we were walking through a field there was a huge obstacle.

There was a river in front of us, the river was One Hundred feet wide. Luckily we all knew how to swim because of the little lake near our village. We were all ready to get in but I remember Trubbish was sleeping on my left shoulder. I quickly woke him up and I placed him on my head. We all got into the river and we started walking.

I was ahead of everyone and I took one step and I was suddenly in a deep zone of the river, it was so deep I was completely under water my head was about half a foot under water. Trubbish was going crazy on my head, I tried swimming up but my foot was caught in some weeds. If none saved me and Trubbish we would drown!

Trubbish wouldn't stop jumping I was trying to make him stop! But by accident I pushed him off my head. He didn't know how to swim so he was struggling to stay afloat I was loosing my breath quickly.

I was trying to yank my foot foot from what ever plant or weed it was caught in but I couldn't...things started to turn blurry, I could barley keep my eyes open. I knew I would die...I was trying to swim up now I was slowly drifting near the river floor. I was on the edge of passing out until I saw Trubbish got pulled out of the water... I felt two hands grab each of my arms and I felt someone get my foot untangle my foot from what ever it was caught in.

I was out of the water but I passed out. Once they swam me to shore. I woke coughing up water. I silently asked them.

"How long was I-I-I- How long was I under water...It felt like I was under for five minutes..."

Andrew told me "Dude, you were under for about a minute...your Trubbish was really worried for you. Dude You're the leader you decide if you want to rest or keep going."

I knew we had to keep going because the Nobles could find us. I told everyone we should keep going.

On the Sixth day there was a hole that none saw, the hole was about the size of a plate and the depth was about two feet. Andrew ran ahead of everyone else and he took one wrong step and he by accident he stuck one foot into the hole and he fell and twisted his ankle. We had to help him get to the village.

Once we arrived to the village we were all tired and our legs were killing us! We stood right in front of the entrance until a man approached us he told us
"Hello! Welcome to our village, RiverView Village our village is named RiverView because a river is right next to us. Where do you all come from?"

I told him "Hi I'm Tyler and these are my friends from the village, we come from the Hidden Village in the Trash but the Nobles soon found our village. They took everyone including our Elder who sent us here. She told us you had pokémon... I found this Trubbish near our village and I caught it. We also need a doctor for my friend Andrew he twisted his ankle."

He replied quickly "Yes we have some pokémon at our lab, even out behind our village in the wilderness there are many pokémon that the Nobles didn't take... there is a legend that there is a powerful pokémon back there. Well anyways follow me to our lab then I'll take you guys to the pokécentre because, I am the Village professor!"

We followed him, but on the way to the lab we saw people living in peace, it was like they didn't even know about the Kingdom in The Sky, it was a bit too peaceful, it was making me extremely uncomfortable because it was like none knew the danger out side of their village. Once we entered the lab I saw six pokéballs on a table he said "Choose a pokémon once I let them out of their pokéballs."

At once he let them all out and six amazing pokémon were released their names were: Turtwig, Piplup, Chimchar, Riolu, Shinx and Abra. The professor called me up first and said "I believe you're the leader of this group, so you can pick the first pokémon."
I chose Chimchar, Andrew chose Turtwig, Dawn chose Piplup, Max chose Shinx, Ashley chose Riolu and Jason chose Abra.

When I let chimchar out of his pokéball I was so excited, chimchar was also pretty excited I quickly climbed up my legs and jump and before I knew it it was on my head playing with my hair!

The professor took Andrew to the pokémon centre and he told us to go train a hour behind the RiverView Village, so we bolted out of the entrance and ran around the village to get to the forest behind RiverView

Bay · Apr 6, 2015

There was a river in front of us, the river was One Hundred feet wide. Luckily we all knew how to swim because of the little lake near our village.

The bolded part doesn't need to be capitalized. Just "one hundred" is fine.

I was out of the water but I passed out. Once they swam me to shore. I woke coughing up water. I silently asked them

"How long was I-I-I- How long was I under water...It felt like I was under for five minutes..."

Andrew told me "Dude, you were under for about a minute...your Trubbish was really worried for you. Dude You're the leader you decide if you want to rest or keep going"

I still notice you have missing punctuation in your dialogue and you format like this:

(After some narrative stuff). I then asked:

"(some dialogue)."

Correct form:

I was out of the water but I passed out. Once they swam me to shore. I woke coughing up water.

"How long was I-I-I- How long was I under water...It felt like I was under for five minutes..." I silently asked them.

Andrew told me, "Dude, you were under for about a minute...your Trubbish was really worried for you. Dude you're the leader you decide if you want to rest or keep going."

Noticed how in the bolded parts I have "I silently asked them" next to the dialogue and also I added in some missing punctuations?

I told him, "Hi I'm Tyler and these are my friends from the village, we come from the Hidden Village in the Trash but the Nobles soon found our village. They took everyone including our Elder who sent us here. She told us you had pokémon... I found this Trubbish near our village and I caught it. We also need a doctor for my friend Andrew he twisted his ankle."

She replied quickly, "Yes we have some pokémon at our lab, even out behind our village in the wilderness there are many pokémon that the Nobles didn't take... there is a legend that there is a powerful pokémon back there. Well anyways follow me to our lab then I'll take you guys to the pokécentre because, I am the Village professor!"

We followed him, but on the way to the lab we saw people living in peace, it was like they didn't even know about the Kingdom in The Sky, it was a bit too peaceful. Once we entered the lab I saw six pokéballs on a table he said, "Choose a pokémon once I let them out of their pokéballs."

The "C" in choose should be capitalized.

Both of those instances a comma after the dialogue tag ("I told him" and "she replied quickly"). Also more missing punctuations.

When I let chimchar out of his pokéball I was so excited, chimchar was also pretty excited I quickly climbed up my legs and jump and before I knew it it was on my head playing with my hair!

"I quickly climbed" sounds as if your narrator climbed up, which doesn't make sense in this context. Perhaps replace the bolded "I" with "and"?

I did see some instances where you're able to have the dialogue format like this: "Hello," I said. That's an improvement! However the punctuation, mainly commas and periods, are missing. I would look back to the last review I gave and check the two articles on punctuating dialogue. If there's something you're confused, do let me know and I'll do my best to explain!

As far as I can tell, this chapter has the group dealing with a river and visiting the village. The river scene itself is intense as Tyler could have drowned indeed, glad he's okay, though! Andrew having hurt his ankle doesn't sound good either.

One thing I'm thinking is you have enough material for this chapter, but there are instances where you rushed some parts. For example, the part where Andrew struck his ankle you could have that as a short scene within a few paragraphs instead of just one. Another part I felt rushed was when Tyler mentioned the village being peaceful. You could describe a bit more what the people were doing and why the peacefulness made Tyler uncomfortable. I would suggest adding a bit more detail in this chapter before starting Chapter Three so you have an idea how to handle pacing.

Sorry if my last two reviews are very overwhelming! As I mention this story has potential and I want to see you improve your writing skills. My main concerns for the first two chapters are punctuating dialogue and the pacing, so you should try your best to focus on improving those. If there are any questions you have concerning my reviews, don't hesitate to ask me in PM or VM!

Pokémon: The Kingdom in the sky

titanior

Bay

titanior

Bay