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[Pokémon] The Wandering Stranger

Maced

Bad Egg
19
Posts
11
Years
  • This is going to be a short fan fiction. I'm not planning on expanding this too long. As always reviews are welcome. Rated at PG-13.




    One


    The digital clock read 12:08am. Behind the sealed blinds on the windows of his office, Goldenrod City's nightlife was bustling. The only light in the room was from a desk lamp, under which he worked. He looked through the detailed incident reports, letting every word of it sink into his head. Whenever there was something very important he would jot down a quick note of it, and continue reading. This went on for more than an hour until the clock on the wall read,1:34 am. At this point the man stood from his desk and stretched. He let out a fatigued yawn and turned to the window behind his desk. He lifted one of the blinds with the tip of his finger and looked into the city below. The streets were filled with blue and white lights of going and coming traffic. He could make out the figures of people walking under the streetlamps. The city was still awake and it had not slept since its birth. He let go of the blind and gazed at the mess of papers on his desk.


    He sighed.


    I should get a cup of coffee, he thought.


    He was in for another all-nighter, and he figured a hot cup of coffee from Moonbucks would keep him awake this time. None of that synthesized coffee that the uniforms made would suffice this time around. Who knows how they make it through the night drinking that awful concoction. He reasoned that the drive to the coffee shop would make him more alert than he is now. So he decided to go. As he grabbed the black jacket hanging on his chair, the phone rang. Somers leaned over his desk, with his golden badge hanging from his neck, and picked up the phone.


    "You've reached Central District's Downtown Division. This is Area Commander, Captain Somers speaking." These were words that were so imbedded in his mind, they felt almost scripted.

    "This is Lieutenant Reyes." The man on the other side of the line said. "Sorry to disturb your late night, sir."

    "That's alright, Reyes, what is it?"

    "We have possible homicide scene at the Pharma Company headquarters." He paused. "Three high-profile scientists were killed. I think you're going to want to get downhere. There's going to be a lot of press about this in the morning.

    "I'll be there, Lieutenant." He placed the phone on the receiver, and started for the door while fitting his arm through his jacket's sleeve. This is last thing he needed, a murder case that's going to generate publicity. His work and that coffee was going to have to wait for now.


    ***


    Accompanied by Lieutenant Reyes, and the man in charge of the case, Lead Detective Howard, Captain Somers made his way inside the crime scene. The deaths were in a small laboratory, under the company's towering 1000 foot sky rise. The first thing he noticed, before entering, were the thick steel bulkhead doors at the entrance of the lab. They continued walking forward and stood on the balcony of a staircase. The three men overlooked the crime scene investigators as they worked downstairs. There was shattered glass everywhere on the floor, ranging from broken flasks to computer monitors. The three dead bodies were burned to a crisp. Scorch marks were evident on the walls and floors. One body was leaning on a table, another one was near the staircase, and the last one, which made the biggest impression that it was a murder, was sitting in the corner shielding its face.


    "From what we can tell, there was a struggle." Detective Howard said. "Our victims were most likely burned to death."

    "What makes you think they were murdered, Detective?" Captain Somers said. "They were locked inside of here and couldn't escape. How the hell did the killer get in?"

    "I don't know, but judging from the positions of the bodies, and the scorch marks, somebody...or something was trying to kill them. It sure doesn't seem like an accident would burn you into the corner of the room. Worst part is, as of now, the company won't give us any details on what they were working on. It appears the thing that killed them was already inside the lab. Nobody could get inside, not even Security could open the bulkheads without clearance."

    "Clearance from who?"

    "The person in charge of the research project," Howard said. "His name is Edward Whitfield."

    "Company secret or not, they're going to have to tell us whatever it was they were doing down here. We need to know what is that killed these people. We don't want to start a panic in the city, so we'll just keep this as a workplace accident, for now." He turned to Howard.

    "Who made the call?"

    "Edward Whitfield", he said. "Apparently he received a distress call from the scientists at his home in Lilycove City around 11:00 o' clock in the night."

    "When is he getting here?"

    "He's in the Hoenn region right now, but we're expecting him tomorrow afternoon."

    "What kind of hell were these poor people in?" Captain Somers asked as CSI covered the bodies.

    "There were no cameras or phones in here, and nobody other than Whitfield knew they were down here." Howard said. "They basically lived here for who knows how long."

    That's how it is with these research and development companies." Captain Somers replied. "Always working on something while hiding it from there competitors."


    ***


    Danielle Somers combed her light-brown hair as she sat on the couch, and paid no attention to the morning news on television in the living room. Her dreary-eyed and groggy father stood next to a news reporter who spoke into the camera. He was exhausted, but only she could notice it. He could fool anybody who didn't know him. No matter how stressed or tired he felt, he would disregard it, and do his job with a stolid face. His obligations were more important.

    Finally, he spoke to the news reporter who began to interview him.

    "It appears our victims were involved in a workplace accident." He said. "The bodies were burned beyond recognition."

    The television was shut off.

    Leann, who sat next to Danielle, turned to her and looked at the remote in her hand.

    "Why'd you do that for?"

    Danielle shrugged, released the remote, and secured her ponytail with a blue ribbon.

    "I rather not start the day with bad news."

    "Looks like your dad is in for another busy day." Isabel, the housekeeper, said as she prepared the table for breakfast.

    She stood up, followed by Leann. They made their way to the table and sat down.

    "You make the best omelets, Isabel." Danielle said. "Better than my mom could ever make."

    "I know they're your favorite, dear. I wanted your special day to start out extra special." Isabel said while placing a pitcher of orange juice on the table. Danielle turned sixteen years today.

    "I'm sure your mom will call later and wish you a happy birthday." Leann said as she took a bite of the hash browns.

    "I just wish she was here, she's been gone for a whole year now."

    "No matter how long she's gone, she's always with you. A mother is always thinking about her children." Isabel continued. "Even if they're grown and have their own children, like mine. A mother's love is unconditional. I believe she wanted to be here today more than anything in the world, but her work just didn't allow it."

    Danielle forced a smile and took a bite of her breakfast. She wanted to show her nanny and friend that she appreciated them for trying to make her feel better. It turned out she was just as good at fooling people as her father was.


    "So, I figured that we start out your birthday by challenging the Goldenrod City gym on the double challenge." Leann said.

    "That's going to be a lot harder than defeating Whitney on a one-on-one."

    "It's just a rumor, don't buy into that." She stuffed her mouth with a big piece of pancake and began talking with a full mouth. "We can beat her!"

    Danielle chuckled as Leann washed it down with some juice.

    "I'm assured of this…it's your birthday Danielle! Today's our day...err I mean your day."

    "And lucky days start out with a nice and slow breakfast." Isabel said. "Slow down, you don't want to choke on your food."

    "I can't help it…this is the best breakfast I've ever had!" She continued eating fast. "It's awesome being rich. I wish we were rich or at least able to afford a nanny as awesome as Isabel."

    Danielle was missing her mom and thinking about her problems, she almost forgot that Leann grew up in Central District, a place notoriously known to have the highest rate of crime in the entire city. Leann wasn't as fortunate to have such successful parents as her. Even Leann would forget about it sometimes too. To her it seemed that her problems would disappear when she hung out with Danielle. That's what made them such great friends. Danielle didn't want to complain about her mother not being there for her birthday, when Leann never met her father. It just seemed too much of a trivial inconvenience compared to her friend.


    ***

    After Leann and Danielle passed the gated community's checkpoint, they walked down on the only road that connected Peoria to the city. Peoria, sometimes referred by people as, "The Hidden Hills", lay on top of a hill, in eastern Goldenrod City, and had million dollar views of the city and the National Park to the north. The road was a single black strip in which cars passed. For pedestrians, which were rare in that part of town, they had no choice but to walk on the unpaved area on the sides. After a fifteen minute walk down the hill, they reached Foothill Blvd. and took a bus into West Goldenrod. Danielle lived in one of the smaller two story houses, but it was still big enough to house at least ten people. Peoria was the wealthiest part of town, and it was her mother who owned the house there. There was no way her father would have been able to buy such a luxurious home on his salary. It was also because of her mother that she was able to receive an official regional starter Pokémon. Beginner Pokémon trainers enter a lottery system to receive starter Pokémon from the Johto League's Pokémon professor. Because of her mother's connections, she was able to bypass the system entirely and receive one without having to rely on luck. Only one hundred trainers receive one per year. It's a lottery Leann enters every year hoping that one day she could pick the Chikorita that she always wanted.


    The bus stopped on 6th Avenue, in front of the Goldenrod City Gym. As they entered the Pokémon Gym, Leann and Danielle both dreamed about earning their first badge and going on a journey together to collect all the gym badges. They both wanted to become powerful Pokémon trainers the strongest the world's ever seen. They checked in with the receptionist and waited. After ten minutes, they were led toward the far end of gym, where the stadium was located. The receptionist led to a corridor that led directly to the battlefield. The girls silently walked down the carpeted flooring and opened the single entry door. There they saw Whitney, a woman in her forties, standing on the battlefield. She stood as the first and toughest obstacle to beginning their dream. They took defeat after defeat alone, but this time, working together, they couldn't lose.
     
    Last edited:

    Nolafus

    Aspiring something
    5,724
    Posts
    11
    Years
  • I see no one has gotten to your fic, yet. Let's change that, shall we?

    Whenever there was something very important he would jog down a quick note of it,
    I think you mean "jot" instead of "jog" here. Jog is similar to running, while jot reffers to writing down something quickly, like jotting down a few notes.

    I should get a cup of coffee, he thought.
    Normally, thoughts are formatted to be different from normal description. I would recommend italicizing them since that's a popular way of doing things and it also signifies that the character isn't speaking.

    He reasoned that the drive to the coffee shop would make him more alert than he isnow.
    You need a space between "is" and "now".

    I think you're going to want to get downhere.
    Same thing here between "down" and "here".

    This is last thing he needed to do was oversee a murder case that's going to generate publicity.
    This sentence is awkwardly written. I think you heading into the sentence thinking one expression, and then finished the sentence with a different one. I would look over it and revise it.

    There was shattered glass everywhere on the floor, ranging from broken flasks and computer monitors.
    When you say "ranging from", you're basically making a comparison. Since you're making a comparison, you're going to want to use "to" instead of "and" between the two objects you're comparing. When you use "and", you're grouping those two objects together, and then the reader is left wondering what you're comparing the two objects to.

    "There were no phones in here or cameras, and nobody other than Whitfield knew they were downhere."
    A couple of things here. In the beginning, I would put "cameras" in front of "in here" as it's awkwardly written right now and a little difficult to understand. Also, you need a space between "down" and "here".

    and paid no attention to the morning news on television in the living room.
    You need a "the" in front of "television" since you're refferring to a specific television set in the living room, rather than the television program.

    "Looks like your dad in for another busy day."
    You forgot the "is" in front of "in"

    Taking defeat after defeat alone,
    This is awkward because the last person you referenced to is Whitney, so this makes it sound like Whitney was losing time and time again. I don't think that's what you're going for.

    One nitpick:
    "From what we can tell, there was a struggle." Detective Howard said. "And our victims were most likely burned to death."

    "They were locked inside of here and couldn't escape?" Captain Somers questioned. "How the hell did the killer get in?"
    When Captain Somers automatically assumes that there's a killer, it surprised me. There were three scientists working on something in a locked room that's nearly impossible to enter, or get out of. That doesn't scream "murder" to me, it screams "lab accident". It just struck me as a bit odd that it was automatically ruled as a murder.

    I'm having some problems with the characters. In the beginning, I had no idea who was who. You started out using "he", and then all of a sudden started using names, and I couldn't make the connection between the characters. I'm about 85% sure that you're talking about Captain Somers in the beginning, when there shouldn't be any doubt. The dialogue also gets a little confusing at times, such as this:
    "You've reached Central Division. This is Area Commander, Captain Somers speaking." These were words that were so imbedded in his mind, they felt almost scripted.

    "This is Lieutenant Reyes." He said. "Sorry to disturb your late night, sir."

    "That's alright, Reyes, what is it?"
    Since Captain Somers is the person that the first line of dialogue is referencing to, when you say "he" in the second line, that's the first name the comes to mind. I'm guessing that it's supposed to be the other person that Captain Somers is talking to, that speaks right there. Instead of using "he", try to use something that signifies which person that's speaking, such as, "the man on the other side of the line". This gives the reader an idea of who the speaker is.

    I had a lot of trouble keeping track of who is who, especially when the three girls were introduced. There's little to no description of the characters, so there's nothing to attach the names to. I thought that it was simply three roommates living together in an apartment, which made it pretty confusing when one of them turned out to be a nanny. Just some description of what the characters look like could really help readers keep track of who is who since it gives us something to attach the names to.

    As far as showing v telling goes, I can tell you're trying. It's not perfect, but I feel like the only thing you need is more experience with it, so all I have for you is just keep writing.

    I'm interested to see how the beginning murders will tie in with Danielle's journey. You have two stories that I wouldn't expect to tie into each other, and I'm interested to see how you'll handle that. There are some things that you need to work on, but there are some definitely strengths here too. I feel like you need some more practice applying some of the things I mentioned and your writing will be a lot stronger. Good luck in the future and I hoped I helped!
     

    Maced

    Bad Egg
    19
    Posts
    11
    Years
  • Whoops! Those mistakes were embarrassing. Thanks, Slayr213, you helped a ton.

    When Captain Somers automatically assumes that there's a killer, it surprised me. There were three scientists working on something in a locked room that's nearly impossible to enter, or get out of. That doesn't scream "murder" to me, it screams "lab accident". It just struck me as a bit odd that it was automatically ruled as a murder.

    I will admit I did rush this without giving it much thought, and that's because I didn't know what to improve on. Somers automatically believed it was a murder because that's what he was told. He's a Police Captain, not a detective. That means we're going to have to refer to the Lead Detective on the case, and flesh out what made him think it was a murder. Somers may not be a detective, but he will play a vital part in solving the case. I should have done a better job with the descriptions, so I didn't leave the reader in the dark. This is the most important part of the chapter, (and possibly the story too) and it came off...weak. With that in mind, I will improve on all the things you listed. The spacing was some sort of word processer mishap. Sorry.

    Thanks for reading. I wasn't expecting a review so quickly.
     
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