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Lowvyr's Writings. [Ratings may vary]

Talon

[font=Cambria]Hidden From Mind[/font]
1,080
Posts
10
Years
  • This is the collective of my writings here on PC. I write from poetry, short stories, songs, and anything you can think of.

    Serieses (Not a word, but ♥♥♥♥ it.)
    The Disturbed Chronicles [Currently in progress! 3/4 stories completed.]
    The Black Veil [Currently in progress! 2/? stories/poems completed.]
    Songs [I'm always writing more.. 4 total]
    The Time of Camelot [0/26 completed. Don't worry about it.]

    The Disturbed Chronicles Stories
    Asylum
    Indestructible
    The Sickness
    Full Circle [In Progress!]

    The Black Veil
    Perfect Weapon
    Sweet Blasphemy
    Saviour

    Songs
    Into The Darkness
    Under The Veil
    Come Clarity
    Deliverance

    The Time of Camelot
    The Time of Camelot I - Silverthorn
    Proposed:
    ____________________
    The Time of Camelot II - Pandemonium
    The Time of Camelot III - Epica
    The Time of Camelot IV - Black Halo
    The Time of Camelot V - Silverthorn II
    The Time of Camelot VI - Karma
    The Time of Camelot VII - March of Mephisto
    The Time of Camelot VIII - Zodiac
    The Time of Camelot IX - Soul Society
    The Time of Camelot X - Pandemonium II
    The Time of Camelot XI - Sacrimony
    The Time of Camelot XII - Torn
    The Time of Camelot XIII - The Confession
    The Time of Camelot XIV - Center of the Universe
    The Time of Camelot XV - Epica II
    The Time of Camelot XVI - III Ways To Epica
    The Time of Camelot XVII - Solitaire
    The Time of Camelot XVIII - Silverthorn: The Third Coming
    The Time of Camelot XIX - Journey Across The Lake of Avalon (The Final Journey)
    ______________________________________
    The Disturbed Chronicles
    Spoiler:


    The Black Veil
    Spoiler:


    Songs
    Spoiler:
     
    Last edited:

    Nolafus

    Aspiring something
    5,724
    Posts
    11
    Years
  • First of all, I would like to welcome you to PC! I hope you continue to post your work and stick around for a long while.

    They container they had it in looked like one of those things they blood in in a hospital.
    I think you meant "the" at the beginning of the sentence in chapter two. Also, this is a little awkward to read and you lost me at the last part with "one of those things they blood in in a hospital". Oh, and you have two "in"s in a row.

    I fell over, dead.
    I think you meant "It" as I don't think the main character died right here in chapter four.

    Nothing can sop me.
    I think you meant "stop" in chapter six.

    I find the hole in the wall that they used for disposal of trash.
    I think the "it" should be turned into "they" in chapter six.

    It leads up a tunnel and into a room guarded be Wakers.
    I think you mean "by" instead on "be" in chapter six.

    Screaming coming from every room I pass.
    I think you want "Screams" instead of "Screaming" because you're using it as a noun, not as a verb.

    He blocks it with it eases.
    "blocks it with ease."

    I hangs there like a leaf on a branch about to fall off.
    "It hangs there..."

    Okay, a quick scan through before dinner is all I have time for right now, so that's all the grammar mistakes I caught with a quick skim. I would recommend letting your writing sit for a day or two, then proofread it again as there were a lot of mistakes here.

    Your writing style is very weird, but in a good way. At least in this story, it almost goes hand in hand with the insane mindset. In the beginning it had a real off-the-wall charm to it, that was unfortunately lost later on in the story. I believe the charm you originally had was really gone in the sixth chapter. You tried too hard to explain what was going on whilst having the insane voice. I'm not exactly sure what you can do about that as your style of writing is uncommon here, so I'm afraid that's all I can explain about it.

    Overall, a really good story. Lot's of mistakes, mainly grammar, but it has the potential to be really good. Your off-the-wall voice compliments this theme very well and I was easily able to make the connection of how an insane individual could grasp reality. I have to go eat dinner now, so I'll end my review here. A good story with lots of potential. I look forward to reading more by you in the future.
     

    Talon

    [font=Cambria]Hidden From Mind[/font]
    1,080
    Posts
    10
    Years
  • Thanks for the criticism, Slayr! I noticed all those typos after I put it up and was already working on "Indestructible" when I noticed it. I really tried to make it seem like the person started out as normal, but the more they worked on him, the more insane he became.
     
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