I have had four online relationships. The first one was when I was 16 and I really don't count it as it was a one month fling.
The latest online relationship ended August 2013...
...And was reborn as a physical meat world relationship.
The relationship happened in the strangest manner. I haven't told the story here yet, so I think I will summarize it. It was quite the ride.
We met on a My Little Pony forum when I had another online relationship at the time. Then we got to talking a bit, but of course, that first online relationship I had tanked into the ground. I had to break up with the person because they were simply too immature for me (there was quite the age difference) and disregarded my needs. The autism they had probably didn't help either. Honestly, looking back, I am not sure why I started that with that person. I suppose I was just extremely depressed because of the rest of my life before that - with several of my internet friends who once kept me sane getting into fights with me or disappearing off the face of the earth period. Needed someone to console me.
But the story doesn't end there. You see, I technically cheated on who we will refer to as Guy A with Guy B, who was a mutual friend of my current relationship man. (who will be known as Lunaris) Guy B was tempting me far too much and I couldn't resist. I needed someone who would fulfill my needs, and he was more than willing. We spoke everyday, and we became the best of friends as I became more and more detached to Guy A. It led me just not caring anymore and going for it.
I broke up with Guy A directly after that occurred, as I could not live with the guilt. Guy A didn't really have much dignity for this action, sadly. He begged me to stay with him even if I cheated, and told me he didn't care. That only convinced me more that I made the right decision. By the way, this relationship lasted exactly one year.
After that, Guy B kept pressing me. I couldn't resist myself and against my better judgement, I started a relationship with him only a few days after I broke that one off. The two of us seemed like we might be happy, but there is so much more to this crazy story.
You see, several months prior to my relationship with Guy B, Lunaris had also been in a relationship with him. They were experimenting with homosexuality. It was something I didn't understand, because neither of them seemed like they were interested in men. Guy B ended it with Lunaris after he realized that I was right about this, and ended up hurting him immensely. After that, those two had a very rocky relationship. The sad part about all of this is that they knew each other before I even met either of them.
I had been speaking with Lunaris in a more personal manner at this point, and I was kind of cold with him, as I am naturally to most people. Due to all of the turmoil I was going through, it was very difficult for me to concentrate on his problems or even on him in general, and that was why I blatantly disregarded his pain and went out with his former best friend. He continued to speak to me because whilst he was angry at Guy B for all of the bad things he had put him through, I was really all he had left, and he did not begrudge my unfortunate actions.
At the very least, I can say this about myself: I tried to be as considerate as possible, and I did console him through that messy breakup several months prior, telling him that I would try to be there for him even if my coldness didn't allow me to feel much of anything for him. But I also warned him a bit later on that he would have to work hard and earn my friendship at this point, to help me feel the feelings of caring I find difficult to obtain for others.
He was determined to earn my friendship, and he worked hard. I was always a bit blunt with him, but my honesty did help things out. (Like when I told him that if he wanted to be friends with me, he would have to continuously speak. Not go silent in an IM conversation like most people. I don't say that typically)
What I wanted during the point when I was with Guy B was for all of us to be a trio of close friends, a fantasy that I've had for years and years. It was not meant to be, as Guy B was set on ignoring Lunaris, who was trying his best to get through his anger at him for my sake.
Yet cracks already were starting to form, and they weren't just from my failed trio idea. I have a special story series that I have been creating for 10+ years, you see. It's something that I don't speak about in-depth with most people, as I fear their criticism. I don't trust that they'll care about all of these detailed thoughts I have about my worlds. And I'm usually right. But... every blue moon... there will be a person who has the right "quality." I can't tell you exactly what that quality IS. I just know it's there because I start babbling freely about my story.
I had already told Lunaris a lot of other things. Shared many personal things, and definitely there was a lot of TMI in there. But I throw my personal life around for everyone to see, so it wasn't a big deal to me to just tell some random friend on the internet about stuff that was going on. Especially one who seemed to not have much of a reaction to anything I could throw at them.
One could suppose that's part of the reason why I revealed that side of me. The side of my creativity. It is a huge deal. My creativity is a lot of who I am.
When we set out on this part of me, Guy B started to become jealous. I would not share as much of my story with him and he would often come back from work to find me babbling cheerfully about how Lunaris and I created some new concepts for my story. When I attempted to as he requested, he began to criticize the concepts and did not seem to understand. It made me reluctant and I knew he did not have the quality.
After about a month, my relationship with Guy B came to an abrupt stop... when he essentially talked me into breaking up with him out of nowhere on Christmas Eve. He told me basically that he pined for me whilst I was with Guy A, but now that he had me, it wasn't exciting anymore. And also that he wasn't willing to make the commitment to visit me and it was highly unlikely that we would ever meet. (I had no resources at the time to meet him. Essentially, I was jobless and living with my parents, in a very similar situation to a teenager.) At least with Guy A, I could meet him several times throughout the year because he lived in the same state. Not so here.
It shattered me into many pieces and I hit an all-time low. Guy B broke me into one of the worst depressions I've had since.
There was one person who was still steadfastedly there. Lunaris, the man who had become my roleplay buddy and creative partner. He was the only one who consoled me. Guy A was still on speaking terms with me, and he tried to as well. But his words felt empty. And at first, so did Lunaris'.
Until he backed them up. I told him I needed money to go to the therapist and my mother wasn't willing to pay. So he said he would send me some money. I didn't quite know how much "some" was... I thought it was only enough for one session. As it turns out, he sent me enough for FOUR sessions. Each session is $60. Yeah.
I had never received so much money all at once in my life. And never from a human being as a gift. I can still remember my reaction to when I saw all those 20's in the envelope. My brain could not understand what it was looking at.
When I told my therapist about it, he said memorable words to me. He told me that this person was a true friend for sending me all that money, and that I would do best not to lose track of him. These words hit me hard, and from then on, I endeavored to care more. To melt that cold demeanor of mine.
Over those few months, I eventually got over my depression. Why? Because he was so damn funny. His sense of humor overlapped mine perfectly, and it only got funnier when he and I obtained the ability to have regular voice chats. Everyday, we would talk. Hearing his voice had much more of an impact than just text. Because that voice is memorable. That voice says everything in a tone that makes everything just hilarious. And he knows exactly how and what to say to make me laugh. The text was just holding him back. I swear, if I had heard him earlier...
But I digress. We played games mutually together, we talked, we had troubles, and we got close. Two months from then, we were already in an unofficial relationship status. It was turned official when he visited me for the first time for a week and things went quite splendidly. In real life, things only got better, and we had a blast together. After that, he saved up the money for several agonizing months and he moved into my parents' house with me. We've been here ever since.
Things have been a bit rocky over the year, adjusting to living with someone, and we still have a lot to learn. In retrospect, I did a lot of stupid things, and I made a lot of stupid mistakes. Nowadays, I still do largely the same thing. And we don't know everything about each other. It's not perfect, and it's no fairytale. Just because we got the happy ending of Chapter 1, doesn't mean the story's over. There's still the rest of our lives together. Luckily, loads of improvements have been made though and I feel a lot better than when he first moved in here. We're steadily learning more about ourselves and our relationship to improvement.
I am afraid to voice my exact feelings about him and don't understand them. Saying words like "love" still makes me uncomfortable, doubtful. But I can say that I have no interest in any other human and I think my feelings show in my unconscious actions more than my words. Really, I don't know what I would do with myself without him. He liberated me from being stuck as a teenager into my twenties, from my horrible neglectful family who never taught me anything about how to be a person. He's more than a mere boyfriend. This guy is my mentor, and I need him so that I can crawl out of the hell that I have been spawned in. Therefore, I will marry him at some point.
It goes to show that sometimes, you can hit the jackpot in the weirdest of circumstances. Online or not.
