The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


Advertise here

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old February 14th, 2010, 04:31 PM
dc_united's Avatar
dc_united
Josh Wicks doesn't like you
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Maryland
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant

Advertise here
Death before Dishonor
From Grunts to Glory-Everything is Possible in Team Rocket!
Rated 15, for profanity, violence, adult overtones, and occasional drug references (Though if you ever went to school, you should have been exposed to all of those… but nevermind)

Dramatis Personae:

Theron ‘Orion’ Kabreta: Our humble protagonist, Theron begins as a lonely, stick armed little kid and ends as a lonely muscleman.

Davey ‘Apollo’ Pollack: A low ranking Rocket grunt renowned more for his enthusiasm then his successes, Apollo may start out small, but he will one day be a high-ranking Rocket.

Amelia ‘Athena’ Escobar: She is THE girl. Attractive, intelligent, cutthroat- and she knows it. Athena is the type of girl who everyone tries to get with, and ends up defeated. Though harsh on the surface, she harbors a soft spot for Hannibal, and later on Theron himself.

Staff Sergeant Kevin ‘Lambda’ Fowley: A mid-level Rocket and ex-marine, Lambda often acts as a voice of reason among Rockets, and has an uncanny talent for spotting the talents of others. Rumor has it that he was once asked to be Giovanni’s bodyguard.

James ‘The Iron Masked Maurader/Vicious’ Renet: Pompous and prone to inflating stories of his achievements, Renet is the type of guy who makes everyone die a little inside when he enters the room. If it wasn’t for his talents at rewiring Pokeballs and his sheer brutality, his companions would have beaten him to death long ago.

Ned Heely: A corrupt Silph supervisor known for his short temper, it’s Heely who proposed that the Rockets invade Silph to inflate the prices for Silph’s goods. Though initially successful, Heely will fail and be sent to a remote Silph outpost on a newly discovered region, where he can remember his failure until the end of his days.

Hannibal (Hando) ‘Lance’ Russell: The boss among the future Rocket executives, Lance is a cold-hearted SOB, but harbors a soft spot for Athena. Though initially dismissive of Theron, he comes to have a grudging respect for the kid.

__________________________________________________________

21 year-old Theron Kabreta lay on the cold, icy ground, bleeding from his nose, mouth, and left eye. His once-tan skin had turned red and blue, his dark hair, which in another universe would have been sported by Robert Carlyle in 'Hamish Macbeth' had snow in it, enough to show he had been lying there for some time. Theron had lost his beloved leather jacket some time ago, and his fingers were turning blue from the cold. His arms and face were covered in dozens of scratches, and at first glance he seemed dead.
The fingers of his left hand clenched and unclenched slowly, showing that there was indeed life in him. Resultant small holes his fingers had dug into the ground left his fingertips covered in snow and bleeding from the ice shards.
…S--t. If I’m gonna die, my life isn’t going to take very long to watch.
A swirling tempest of ice and snow surrounded him, drawing him closer to the figure in the center of the holocaust.
God… Why’d I have to get up today?
The figure, which had been floating, suddenly touched the ground and hauled him up with one stick-like arm. Theron saw the figure draw back his opposite fist, and as he saw it rush towards him his life did indeed replay in front of him.





Chapter One: Our humble beginnings

Someone was knocking on his bedroom door. 11-year-old Theron, his dark hair shaven completely off, looked at it lazily without getting out of bed. Short and skinny for his age, he was often the source of slight disappointment by his parents, who had been a high school hockey star and a cheerleader respectively.
“Theron? You in there champ?”
“Yeah.”
The door opened and his father walked in.
“You know me and your mom have to leave for work. We don’t like leaving you alone, but…”
“But it’s better then being out in the streets, I know. How long are you two going to be gone this time?”
His father shrugged his massive shoulders.
“We have to be gone for at least seven months. They’ve run into a lot of problems trying to streamline the Trade Centers and Coliseums.”
Theron groaned inwardly. He hadn’t had a birthday yet where his parents were home.
“Hey, we’ve gotta leave. Your mother and I love you. Ramen’s in the cupboard, and Ms. Forte at the bank knows to give you money out of our account.”
His father left, and Theron sunk face down into his pillow. He hated his life.

Two days later, he went to school, partly because he’d gone crazy sitting inside his parents’ apartment and watching cartoons. He was walking back when he was distracted by a police helicopter flying between Saffron City’s massive buildings, it’s searchlight playing about all over the shantytowns that had sprung up all over the ground-level of the city. Eventually, the helicopter buzzed off, and four people emerged from one of the dwellings, a cardboard and sheet metal construct. They were in their late teens, and probably wouldn’t have given Theron the time of day. But the way they looked had Theron entranced.
Paramilitary 14 eyelet, steel-toed boots, grey army fatigues, black bandannas which they had tied around their faces, and a black longsleeved shirt with a red ‘R’ rounded off the ensemble. Each had six pokeballs attached to their belts, but more importantly, the teens exuded a sense of brotherhood and belonging. Theron envied them. One of them turned and made a very inappropriate gesture towards the retreating helicopter.
“Team Rocket rules the streets! Suck my ****, Saffron PD!”
He made several pelvic thrusts towards the helicopter before rejoining his friends. Theron had never hated them more. They behaved however they wanted, and the people in this particular slum admired them. While he was caught up in his adoration, he noticed them rounding a corner.
“Hey! Hey! Wait up!”
Three of the teenage Rockets turned. One of them stopped and lit a cigarette before turning. All four of them gazed at Theron with a thinly-veiled sense of distaste.
“What’d you want, kid?”
Theron stared up at them, amazed that they had actually talked to him. One of the teens smiled.
“Look at him! Hair shaven right off! He looks like a wind-up skinhead, some kind of little GI Joe. What do you want, Joey?”
They laughed. Theron just smiled. He pointed at their clothes, then at their pokeballs.
“Where’d you get them?”
He thought for sure they were going to make fun of him, but apparently the leader of the group, a tall, skinny fellow who had full sleeves beneath his shirt liked him. The leader dropped his cigarette and ground it underneath his boot and released a pokemon from a pokeball.
A Scyther rubbed both of it’s sword blades together menacingly.
“They’re standard issue for Rockets, kid. What’s it to you?”
“Can I get stuff like that?”
They conferred for a moment:
“Look at the size of him. He’d never fit into any of this.”
“How old is he, 8? What use is he going to be?”
The leader shushed them.
“We’re taking what we can get. Besides, he’d probably follow us anyway. Lambda will decide his fate.”

Finally, they turned back around.
“Hurry up kid, don’t want to be left behind, you know? Hey, what’s you’re name anyway?”
“I’m Theron… Theron Kabreta. And you…?”
The leader smiled.
“I’m Apollo. Nice to meet you, Theron.”

Chapter 2: Lambda, Lambda, Lambda

Theron was brought into a location he knew well: The Silph Way subway station. It was a ghost station of tracks and rotting posters displaying a Saffron that hadn’t existed for fifty years: a slum-free Saffron, a suburban paradise where you and your spouse could work in safety. Apollo and his friends ignored the posters and hopped onto the tracks, taking care to avoid the electric rail.
“Why do you guys hang out down here?”
“It’s secret. Plus, nobody likes going underground.”
“Apollo?”
“What?”
“Who’s Lambda?”
“You’ll see.”
They had gone about a mile and a half, Apollo and his friends using flashlights to keep the darkness at bay. Finally, they came to a red door that had MAINTENANCE stenciled across it. Apollo casually kicked it open and wandered in.

The room was more like the bunkers you see on TV. It wasn’t a schoolbus buried in the dirt- this was an entire friggin warehouse that had been buried. It was lit and air conditioned. It also stretched on forever. Theron could see weightlifting and exercise equipment, a PA system, and what could have been a basketball court and Pokemon stadium.
“The hell is this runt?”
The speaker was a girl of about 17, beautiful, and possessed the best chest Theron had ever seen.
“Amel… Athena, this is Theron. He’s going to join.”
“This isn’t a Chuck E Cheese. How old is he, 9?”
Theron piped up defiantly: “I’m 11, but I’ll be 12 in-”
“Does it look like I care? Lambda isn’t running a damn daycare down here Apollo. Besides, he doesn’t look like he can do anything useful.”
Athena strode off, and Theron and Apollo kept their eyes on her until she vanished.
“If I could make that my better half I would.” Apollo said wishfully. His friends murmured concurring statements before leading Theron to a small, office like room.
“Apollo, what do you want now?”
Apollo lowered his head respectfully.
“Sergeant Lambda, this is Theron… he wanted to join. I let him come, seeing as how he would have followed me anyway…”
Athena chose that moment to make her presence known.
“He’s a runt Lambda- what can he do? He’s not going to be gunning down people or doing any sort of heavy lifting. Look.” She grabbed Theron’s arm and yanked his shirt sleeve up, displaying one of Theron’s stick-like arms.
Lambda spoke:
“Athena, shut up please. Not every job involves heavy lifting or being a total badass. When I was a marine, I learned that spies and scouts win more fights than the Rambo who goes in guns blazing. I think we can use him.”
He turned to Theron and smiled.
“Welcome to Team Rocket kid. You’ll like it here.”

Two days later, Theron was living full-time at what was referred to as ‘The Rocket House’, a dilapidated tower block a few blocks east of the abandoned Silph Way station. His companions were all older then him, but looked down on him as a kind of little brother. In short, they were the best family he’d ever had.
By way of an introduction, two of the biggest and meanest looking Rockets, both of whom were in their twenties, grabbed his arms and pinned him to a wall before introducing themselves as Maccus and Crowbar.

Crowbar was the more eloquent of the pair, and prone to rambling. Maccus was more conservative with his words, and had the air of a philosopher. However, he also had a series of bloody knives jammed into his belt.
“The new kid right?”
Theron nodded. Maccus just smiled.
“You’re going to like it here. An escape from everything-“
“Prejudice” Crowbar chimed in.
“Fear.”
“The weak who control this planet. Team Rocket is for the strong, so that we can rise above the weak and subvert them. It’s only the natural order of things.”
Theron nodded, pretending to know what the two big men were telling him.
“We all took new names when we joined, as a show of disgust at the names the weak gave us. You want a new one?”
And Theron thought. What had he ever had? Nothing, except a lifetime of pressure, disappointment, and neglect- he couldn’t wait to leave his old name behind.
“My name’s Orion.”
Crowbar and Maccus smiled.
“Welcome to the Team Orion. When you prove yourself, you’ll get to play on varsity with guys like us.”
__________________
Evolve. Explore. Expand. Exploit. Exterminate. Join us- http://z7.invisionfree.com/tribalrpg/index.php?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Calvo819 View Post
i saw a hypno once called "bootysweat"

i lol'ed and traded for it, because it was too funny to not trade for
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old February 14th, 2010, 10:49 PM
BakingBluePotatoe's Avatar
BakingBluePotatoe
The Blue Blur Alchemist
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Catatonia
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
well, this has proven to be an interesting read... I can't wait foir more!

Though, you could have elaborated upon what was going through his mind- especially when he decided his new name.
__________________

Tausch Mit Mir?: 2208-5032-7062
Proud Member of Chaos Control & Equivalent Exchange!
Outlinks:
Twitter (Main) || deviantART || Tumblr || Youtube
Twitter (RP acct 1) || Twitter (RP acct 2)

Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old February 18th, 2010, 01:29 PM
dc_united's Avatar
dc_united
Josh Wicks doesn't like you
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Maryland
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
Thanks, KitsuneKat! I explained his choice behind the name in this post.


Chapter 3: Death Before Dishonor
“There’s one main rule for Rockets- Death before Dishonor.”
Apollo was spotting for Theron while the 11-year old was benching a 20 pound bar with two five-pound weights attached to it.
“What’s that mean?”
“It means that you’d rather die than dishonor Team Rocket. It’s the Team before everything else.”
And Apollo pulled his bandana up to reveal ‘D-E-A-T-H-B-E-F-O-R-E-D-I-S-H-O-N-O-R’ tattooed across his neck.
“Never forget Orion. Never. I may be one of your friends, but that doesn’t mean I won’t kill you if you betray the Team.”
Theron gave a gasp and tried to lift the bar for the seventh time. His eyes were screwed shut and his face was drawn, almost as if he was constipated.
“I told you Apollo. He’s worthless and weak.”
Athena had come up behind Apollo and was staring down at Theron, a disgusted look on her face. She looked radiant in a perfect blue tracksuit, and sneered at Theron’s stick-like arms and legs.
“Give him some time, woman. He ain’t even hit puberty yet. Don’t tell me you weren’t any different. Besides, he’s on his first mission with me tomorrow.”
Apollo grabbed the bar just as Theron nearly dropped it on his own neck.
Athena gave a very naughty smile.
“Just how would you know what I was like, Apollo? How would you know?”
She kept smiling as she walked towards a track that had been spraypainted around the Pokemon stadium.
“Why’s she always in such a bad mood?”
Apollo slapped Theron on the back.
“It’s just ‘cause you’re new, Orion. She grows on you, in time.”

Theron continued to watch her retreating frame, ignoring how she casually shoved a runner out of her way so she could get into the stadium without breaking stride. He heard her yell at one of the two battling Rockets to ‘move it or lose ‘em!’ and began battling the remaining Rocket.
“Hey, Orion! I’m talking to you! What made you choose that name?”
Theron thought for a moment.
“Orion’s a hunter. Hunters typically survive against all odds by themselves. They become tough mentally and physically- plus, they’re usually left alone.”
Apollo nodded, not really paying attention: “OK, so you all ready for your first mission tomorrow? Let’s go over it one more time…”
Both Rockets walked out of the gym.

Chapter 4: First Blood
The bell over the door gave yet another little ring. The cashier behind the desk didn’t even look up from his textbook, which was (poorly) hiding porn magazines. The store’s single security camera was long dead, having been ruined when several pipes in the ceiling burst.
Theron had walked in, wearing jeans and an inconspicuous grey jacket. He walked about casually, as if he was interested in buying something, occasionally stopping by the cages of various Pokemon and looking at them. It was cover- he was looking for security cameras, and so far had only found the one over the door that had, at one point covered the vicinity of the cash register. After stopping to look at a Houndour, he walked up to the register. He cleared his throat.

Apollo and his squad of grunts waited outside, stamping there feet in defense against the cold wind that was whipping through the alleyways of Saffron’s Ground Levels. At the present, Apollo was watching, his face pressed against the store’s grimy window.
“The hell is taking him so long, Apollo?”
“He’s new, Vertigo. Besides, he’s looking for CCTV cameras, stuff like that. It would be going quicker, if he could get that god-damned cashier’s attention!”

Theron cleared his throat again, but was ignored by the cashier, a man who had obviously decided that no business was better then any business. Theron didn’t clear his throat a third time. Instead, he picked up a Pokeball from a nearby shelf and threw it, bouncing off the cashier’s head.
The cashier swore. “What the…”
He finally noticed Theron.
“About time you paid attention to me. How much is that Houndour in the back?”
The cashier shrugged. He’d forgotten the prices long ago.
“I dunno. Maybe thirty bucks?”
Theron counted out his cash. Twenty two dollars.
“Hey, can I go outside for a second? My mom’s out there. I’ll be back with the rest of the money. Just don’t let anyone else take it!”
The cashier ignored him. This was already more business than he’d seen in a week.

When the bell ringed again, the cashier didn’t look up.
“You get the rest of the money yet?”
He looked up from his magazine, only to see four muscular teens, one of whom had a pistol leveled at his face.
“We’ll take the Pokemon. Come on, up and at ‘em. That’s a good man.”
The cashier rose, keeping his hands in plain view. The kid was there with them.
“Just tell me what Pokemon you want! And don’t shoot me, I’m a single parent.”
Apollo, who was holding the gun; just shrugged.
“We’ll take some Crobat, Houndour, Scyther, Beedril, Rhyhorn, Pineco, Magnemite, and Larvitar.”
The cashier was frozen. He didn’t even have Crobat or Scyther. He’d never even seen a Rhyhorn either.
But they didn’t need to know that. He grabbed the other Pokemon without question, giving them all he had of each, and putting them in Pokeballs. The kid handed the Pokeballs to one of the teens, who put them in a hiking backpack that most trainers wore.
Finally he was marched back to the desk, where he had an Electrode stored in case of emergencies such as this.
“Hey! There’s no Crobat in here… or Scyther’s or Rhyhorns!”
The cashier braced himself. “There’s none of that in stock!” He whimpered.
Apollo nodded agreeably.
“Then give us the money in the register, along with your wallet and phone.”
The cashier gave a silent sigh of relief. He reached for the register, but instead grabbed the Electrode’s pokeball.
“Hands in the air, bastards, or I send us all to hell!”
The teens froze and placed their hands in the air.
All except the one holding the gun.
“You’re bluffing.”
He pointed the pistol dead in the middle of the cashier’s forehead.
“It’s empty. He’s bluffing.”
The cashier was shaking now.
Apollo smiled.
“Drop the pokeball. Now.”
The cashier smiled and complied, dropping the pokeball button-down. With a brilliant flash of light an Electrode appeared. Immediately, the Electrode began to glow and the store’s light’s dimmed.
Apollo screamed.
“Cover! Find some god-damned cover!”
The storefront exploded.

Theron finally opened his eyes after the ringing in his ears had stopped. There was nothing left of the cashier except for a pair of bloodied shoes and bits of bone. He’d been standing too close to the explosion. Vertigo had been hit too, and the teen had been ripped in half, his intestines spilling out like a gory snake.
Apollo just stood there, lost for words. Theron threw up.
Apollo grabbed Vertigo’s pokeballs, and tossed one to each member of the squad.
“He would have wanted us to have them. Now we gotta go! We gotta go…”
He gave one last look at his dying friend and vanished. Theron was the last one out the door, still looking awestruck at his pokeball.
__________________
Evolve. Explore. Expand. Exploit. Exterminate. Join us- http://z7.invisionfree.com/tribalrpg/index.php?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Calvo819 View Post
i saw a hypno once called "bootysweat"

i lol'ed and traded for it, because it was too funny to not trade for
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old February 20th, 2010, 04:09 PM
Mizan de la Plume Kuro's Avatar
Mizan de la Plume Kuro
Bass, Bass Everywhere!
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Airstrip One, Oceania
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Mizan de la Plume Kuro
Bonjour, I'm a reviewer, Mizan of the Black Feather's the name. Bows.
Anyway, as you may have guessed, I'm here to review your fic because I see potential and I see that you might need a bit of help. Enough screwing around, let's start the serious review shall we?


Quote:
Originally Posted by dc_united View Post

Dramatis Personae:

Theron ‘Orion’ Kabreta: Our humble protagonist, Theron begins as a lonely, stick armed little kid and ends as a lonely muscleman.

Davey ‘Apollo’ Pollack: A low ranking Rocket grunt renowned more for his enthusiasm then his successes, Apollo may start out small, but he will one day be a high-ranking Rocket.

Amelia ‘Athena’ Escobar: She is THE girl. Attractive, intelligent, cutthroat- and she knows it. Athena is the type of girl who everyone tries to get with, and ends up defeated. Though harsh on the surface, she harbors a soft spot for Hannibal, and later on Theron himself.(So basically she's perfect right? This, in the industry, is typically referred to as a Mary-Sue --Marty Stu if it's a guy. The over-the-top, perfect character everyone loves and can do anything. Generally, unless you're parodying the archetype, Mary-Sues are avoided in writing. Not many people love perfect characters, it leaves little room for conflict and or conflict resolution.)

Staff Sergeant Kevin ‘Lambda’ Fowley: A mid-level Rocket and ex-marine, Lambda often acts as a voice of reason among Rockets, and has an uncanny talent for spotting the talents of others. Rumor has it that he was once asked to be Giovanni’s bodyguard.

James ‘The Iron Masked Maurader/Vicious’ Renet: Pompous and prone to inflating stories of his achievements, Renet is the type of guy who makes everyone die a little inside when he enters the room. If it wasn’t for his talents at rewiring Pokeballs and his sheer brutality, his companions would have beaten him to death long ago.

Ned Heely: A corrupt Silph supervisor known for his short temper, it’s Heely who proposed that the Rockets invade Silph to inflate the prices for Silph’s goods. Though initially successful, Heely will fail and be sent to a remote Silph outpost on a newly discovered region, where he can remember his failure until the end of his days.

Hannibal (Hando) ‘Lance’ Russell: The boss among the future Rocket executives, Lance is a cold-hearted SOB, but harbors a soft spot for Athena. Though initially dismissive of Theron, he comes to have a grudging respect for the kid.
Off the bat I see that you're exposing your character's backgrounds and such. Again, may I refer you to another word we use in the industry. Info-Dump. Basically, you explain the premise of the story and different personalities of the characters before starting the story. While it is acceptable, it is not recommended as skilled writer's usually know how to carefully drop hints and snippets of the setting in which their fic takes place. Yes, acceptable, but not encouraged.

Quote:
Twenty-one year old Theron Kabreta lay on the cold
Numbers, except for in date, addresses and certain numbers, are always worded in fics.

Quote:
Chapter One: Our humble beginnings

Someone was knocking on his bedroom door. 11-year-old Theron, his dark hair shaven completely off, looked at it lazily without getting out of bed. Short and skinny for his age, he was often the source of slight disappointment by his parents, who had been a high school hockey star and a cheerleader respectively.

“Theron? You in there champ?”

“Yeah.”

The door opened and his father walked in.“You know me and your mom have to leave for work. We don’t like leaving you alone, but…”(Wait, you're leaving an eleven year old at home? Alone? I seriously doubt that this is legal. However, letting ten-year olds wander the country catching wild animals seems to make this world a very independent one indeed. It can stay because it's canon(sort off), but I wonder why his parents don't act more worried.)

“But it’s better then being out in the streets, I know. How long are you two going to be gone this time?”

His father shrugged his massive shoulders. “We have to be gone for at least seven months. They’ve run into a lot of problems trying to streamline the Trade Centers and Coliseums.”

Theron groaned inwardly. He hadn’t had a birthday yet where his parents were home.

“Hey, we’ve gotta leave. Your mother and I love you. Ramen’s in the cupboard, and Ms. Forte at the bank knows to give you money out of our account.”(This may surprise you, but Ramen Noodles aren't exactly appropriate for daily consumption as a staple food. Most Japanese eat rice. Heck, I eat rice. I'm not sure what Westerners eat though...)

His father left, and Theron sunk face down into his pillow. He hated his life.
When writing, please, please, please press enter to create a line-break in between dialogue and certain descriptions, particularly when starting a new paragraph and or dialogue.

Quote:
Two days later, he went to school, partly because he’d gone crazy sitting inside his parents’ apartment and watching cartoons.(You mean he chose not to go to school?) He was walking back when he was distracted by a police helicopter flying between Saffron City’s massive buildings, it’s searchlight playing about all over the shantytowns that had sprung up all over the ground-level of the city. Eventually, the helicopter buzzed off, and four people emerged from one of the dwellings, a cardboard and sheet metal construct. They were in their late teens, and probably wouldn’t have given Theron the time of day. But the way they looked had Theron entranced.

Paramilitary 14 eyelet, steel-toed boots, grey army fatigues, black bandannas which they had tied around their faces, and a black longsleeved shirt with a red ‘R’ rounded off the ensemble. Each had six pokeballs attached to their belts, but more importantly, the teens exuded a sense of brotherhood and belonging. Theron envied them. One of them turned and made a very inappropriate gesture towards the retreating helicopter.

“Team Rocket rules the streets! Suck my ****, Saffron PD!”

He made several pelvic thrusts(Lulz...) towards the helicopter before rejoining his friends. Theron had never hated them more. They behaved however they wanted, and the people in this particular slum admired them. While he was caught up in his adoration, he noticed them rounding a corner.

“Hey! Hey! Wait up!”(You may want to indicate the speaker when it's not that obvious.)

Three of the teenage Rockets turned. One of them stopped and lit a cigarette before turning. All four of them gazed at Theron with a thinly-veiled sense of distaste.

“What’d you want, kid?”

Theron stared up at them, amazed that they had actually talked to him. One of the teens smiled.

“Look at him! Hair shaven right off! He looks like a wind-up skinhead, some kind of little GI Joe. What do you want, Joey?”

They laughed. Theron just smiled. He pointed at their clothes, then at their pokeballs.“Where’d you get them?”

He thought for sure they were going to make fun of him, but apparently the leader of the group, a tall, skinny fellow who had full sleeves beneath his shirt liked him. The leader dropped his cigarette and ground it underneath his boot and released a pokemon from a pokeball.

A Scyther rubbed both of it’s sword blades together menacingly. “They’re standard issue for Rockets, kid. What’s it to you?”

“Can I get stuff like that?”

They conferred for a moment.“Look at the size of him. He’d never fit into any of this.”

“How old is he, 8? What use is he going to be?”

The leader shushed them.“We’re taking what we can get. Besides, he’d probably follow us anyway. Lambda will decide his fate.”

Finally, they turned back around.“Hurry up kid, don’t want to be left behind, you know? Hey, what’s you’re name anyway?”

“I’m Theron… Theron Kabreta. And you…?”

The leader smiled.

“I’m Apollo. Nice to meet you, Theron.”
Allow me to blink owlishly for a few seconds... They let him in, just like that? You could have at least added a bit more conflict, but that's just me.

Quote:
Chapter 2: Lambda, Lambda, Lambda

Theron was brought into a location he knew well: The Silph Way subway station. It was a ghost station of tracks and rotting posters displaying a Saffron that hadn’t existed for fifty years: a slum-free Saffron, a suburban paradise where you and your spouse could work in safety. Apollo and his friends ignored the posters and hopped onto the tracks, taking care to avoid the electric rail.

“Why do you guys hang out down here?”

“It’s secret. Plus, nobody likes going underground.”

“Apollo?”

“What?”

“Who’s Lambda?”

“You’ll see.”

They had gone about a mile and a half, Apollo and his friends using flashlights to keep the darkness at bay. Finally, they came to a red door that had MAINTENANCE stenciled across it. Apollo casually kicked it open and wandered in.

The room was more like the bunkers you see on TV. It wasn’t a schoolbus buried in the dirt- this was an entire friggin warehouse that had been buried. It was lit and air conditioned. It also stretched on forever. Theron could see weightlifting and exercise equipment, a PA system, and what could have been a basketball court and Pokemon stadium.

“The hell is this runt?” The speaker was a girl of about 17, beautiful, and possessed the best chest Theron had ever seen.

“Amel… Athena, this is Theron. He’s going to join.”

“This isn’t a Chuck E Cheese. How old is he, 9?”

Theron piped up defiantly,(Dialogue tags should have a comma in between the quotation marks and the dialogue.) “I’m 11, but I’ll be 12 in-”

“Does it look like I care? Lambda isn’t running a damn daycare down here Apollo. Besides, he doesn’t look like he can do anything useful.”

Athena strode off, and Theron and Apollo kept their eyes on her until she vanished.

“If I could make that my better half I would.” Apollo said wishfully. His friends murmured concurring statements before leading Theron to a small, office like room.

“Apollo, what do you want now?”

Apollo lowered his head respectfully.

“Sergeant Lambda, this is Theron… he wanted to join. I let him come, seeing as how he would have followed me anyway…”

Athena chose that moment to make her presence known. “He’s a runt Lambda- what can he do? He’s not going to be gunning down people or doing any sort of heavy lifting. Look.” She grabbed Theron’s arm and yanked his shirt sleeve up, displaying one of Theron’s stick-like arms.

Lambda spoke,“Athena, shut up please. Not every job involves heavy lifting or being a total badass. When I was a marine, I learned that spies and scouts win more fights than the Rambo who goes in guns blazing. I think we can use him.”

He turned to Theron and smiled.

“Welcome to Team Rocket kid. You’ll like it here.”
Again, just like that? That's a bit weird actually. You could've expanded on what was going through Lambda's mind at the time. Any secret motives or something.

***********
Right, I'm going to end it there for now and continue tomorrow if possible. Personally, I think it's a good concept, but you could have expanded upon it more. It has potential; unleash it to the fullest. :D
__________________
.F i c t i o N.
Havisham
"Break his heart, Estella. Break
his heart..." - Cutlerine
---

.F a n f i c t i o N.
The Promise I Made to You

SWC 2012 Second Place
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old February 28th, 2010, 12:29 PM
dc_united's Avatar
dc_united
Josh Wicks doesn't like you
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Maryland
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
It looks like I'm going to have to drop this temporarily. Between all the rejection letters I'm getting from colleges, I also have to find a new job and work on my senior paper. Thanks to all those who read, left comments/criticisms, and anyone else I may have forgot. Hopefully I can bring this back in a month or so.

-DC
__________________
Evolve. Explore. Expand. Exploit. Exterminate. Join us- http://z7.invisionfree.com/tribalrpg/index.php?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Calvo819 View Post
i saw a hypno once called "bootysweat"

i lol'ed and traded for it, because it was too funny to not trade for
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links


Advertise here
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 07:26 AM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.