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  #1    
Old July 3rd, 2011 (12:34 PM). Edited July 3rd, 2011 by TheBowsinator.
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TheBowsinator TheBowsinator is offline
Pi Lieker
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Posts: 111
This is my first Fan Fiction, entitled The Forgotten Glitch. It wont be too long, and i hope you guys critique it and comment on it. Thanks for reading!

Prologue: Petals of Petalburg----------------------------------------------------

No, No, NO! NOOOO! MUDKIP! NO WHAT HAPPENED NO!!
MUDKIP! HOLD ON! DONT LET GO! PLEASE! I NEED YOU!!

Silence...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Brendan walks accross Telthon Bridge.

"Ahh, the Ishoka Region. Calm and Quiet."

Reaching into his bag, he gets out his pokeball.

"Absol! I choose you!"

Absol comes out and also likes the peace and quiet!

Ishoka region is the only region without an evil team to surface in it! That makes it perfect for vacations and soft pokemon leagueing.

Brendan takes out his trophy from the pokemon league. He sighs softly

"If only...never mind. 2nd place is good enough for me!"

The mighty ship approaches. Back home to Hoenn for him! To see his Mom and Dad. Its been 2 years since he beat Wallace the champion of Hoenn and saved the region from the mighty weather pokemon. Its also been 2 years since another devastating thing to Brendan occured.

He arrives home.

"Skarmory i choose you! Use fly to take me to Petalburg!"

He gets on Skarmory's Back as they fly to petalburg. As they head down, something looks terribly wrong! The pokemon centers roof is the door of the gym! The door of the gym is on the middle of the ground somewhere! The ground is purple! Whats going on!

Brendan hurries to a corner, calling Skarm back into his pokeball.

"Quick, over here!"

He hears a fimiliar voice and runs over to the beach nearbye

-------------------------------------------------------------

End of Prologue

Thanks for reading

Please comment and critique and stuff!

I hope you enjoyed it
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  #2    
Old July 5th, 2011 (06:08 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
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Not a bad start, but I do feel there are some improvements you could make. To begin with, I wonder why you went with the present tense here which isn't as easy to use for writing as past tense generally, as it can make some sentences sound awkward. For instance:
Quote:
Absol comes out and also likes the peace and quiet!
Here we're being told outright the Pokemon likes the peace and quiet but not much else and hence it's not that interesting to read. Now, you don't need to use past tense but more just consider how you write or rather what you inform the reader about and how you go about that. If you say said that the Absol relaxed its muscles as it walked or breathed in the fresh air, or smiles to itself as it listens to the silence, etc, then it'd be more interesting to read as the Absol is doing something, and you'd be showing us that the Absol likes the peace and quiet without saying so directly.

Also you'd add more writing to your fic as well, because atm it is rather short, this chapter. On that note try describing more on what people/places look like - we don't have much of an idea on what Brendan looks like for instance (even if he is a canon character) or what the region really looks like either (I assume it's a fanmade one there).

Another thing I'll note is that you could make use of a spell/grammar checker and some proofreading. Microsoft Word has one as does OpenOffice (free to download), you if you have neither you could make use of online checkers easily enough - for instance:
Quote:
He hears a fimiliar voice and runs over to the beach nearbye
Those would have been easily picked up and are pretty noticeable as well, so just make sure to take your time with proofreading before posting to catch simple errors like that. That'll do for starters - good luck with the rest of the fic!
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