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  #1    
Old August 24th, 2011, 03:21 AM
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O hai there.
It's me again. Sigh. Another fan fiction. I really should start finishing the ones I start. Oh well, when I'm older and have nothing to do I can go back and finish them all.

Back on track, I've been trying to expand my writing by trying to write some of the more... 'sinister'... pieces of writing. Don't worry, I'm rather squeamish myself everything should be readable. It's mostly just the sinister mindset, if that makes sense.

Well, I decided to base this fan fic around the Trick House in RSE, so enjoy. It's in chapters, so if you they should be longer, just say so here.

--Chapter 1--

Cradling his head in his arms, Adrian awoke from his concussion. He couldn't remember how he came to be in this place, the last thing he remembered was his battle against that stranger. And that memory was only faint.

What happened? Where am I?

Adrian looked around at his surroundings. He was in a dimly lit room. It was a bedroom, but it wasn't his. The source of the light was a dusty lamp sitting on a bedside table adjacent to a single bed. There was a cupboard, but it wouldn't open. Adrian didn't bother trying to open it, he just wanted to leave. He approached the door and noticed its handle. It was large and bronze, contrast to the white door it was occupying. Nevertheless, Adrian grasped the handle and tried to open the door. It was locked. With a sigh of frustration Adrian tightly gripped the door handle and pulled. He pulled and grunted, trying to summon the strength to release himself from confinement, but he couldn't. He began to worry.

Where am I? Have I been kidnapped?! Where're my Pokemon?!


A short blast of static distracted Adrian from worrying. There was a small speaker on the wall, and it was demanding attention. The static stopped and a mans voice spoke. It did not sound like a recorded message.

"Ah, awake at last. A late riser, are we not? -"

"Let me go!" Adrian interrupted the message with a plea. Fear was not apparent in his voice, he spoke as if he was demanding.

"I'm sorry, but-"

"Now! Now, now, now, now, NOW!"

"SHUT UP, COW!" The voice lost its patience easily, but with a small cough reverted back to its emotionless state. "You have ten minutes to find the key out of this humble abode. Fail, and you'll receive a consolation prize of suffocating, life-ending carbon monoxide. Enjoy."

Before Adrian could protest the speaker had cut out and began playing filler music. He began to casually look for something resembling a key - he didn't want to seem to worried in case he was being pranked. He glanced at his watch - seven minutes left. He hadn't made any progress, but it was only a small room. Five minutes, still nothing.

It's okay, remain calm, there's only three minutes. Just close out the world and think.
For the love of God I wish that twit would have left the music off, it's not like I'll need it...


Adrian opened his eyes and faced the speaker, listening to the music. He could tell it was a Madonna song, and it sounded like sandpaper against his ears.

Open your heart to me, baby
You'll hold the lock and I hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin'
I'll give you love if you, you turn the key...


Adrian paused at the second line he heard and began to fiddle with the case of the speaker. Not much moved. Bemused with his failings at opening items, he forcefully punched the side of the speaker. The speaker abruptly stopped playing music, and the case fell to the ground. Searching through the small casing, Adrian found a small key with the letters "T.M." engraved.

Smirking, Adrian turned the key in the lock and exited the room. He wondered if his Pokemon would be waiting for him on the other side. Well, whatever it was, he hoped it wasn't "love".


...Let's play a game...
3DS FC: 3411-1566-9347
Paired to Naya Rivera & ShiningRaichu

Last edited by Impo; August 24th, 2011 at 10:32 PM.
  #2    
Old August 24th, 2011, 04:06 AM
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It's me again. Sigh. Another fan fiction. I really should start finishing the ones I start. Oh well, when I'm older and have nothing to do I can go back and finish them all.
Lol! I know how you feel there.

Quote:
He couldn't remember how he came to be in this place, the last thing he remembered was his battle against that stranger.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something sounded odd to me here. Perhaps separate the two parts of the first sentence into two differences sentences, or change things around to link better with the first section (i.e., "He couldn't remember how he came to be in this place, instead only remembering battling against that stranger" or something along those lines.)

Quote:
What happened? Where am I?
A good question, dear Adrian. A good question indeed.

Quote:
Where am I? Have I been kidnapped?! Where're my Pokemon?!
This should be in italics, I believe. It was meant to be thought process, right?

Quote:
"Let me go!" Adrian interrupted the message with a plea. Fear was not apparent in his voice, he spoke as if he was demanding, not making a plea.
This can do so much better WITHOUT that last part of the sentence. It sounds repetitive: if you tell us that he's demanding, one can infer that he doesn't sound like he's making a plea. Plus, you used the word just a sentence earlier, which threw me off, personally.

Quote:
It's okay, remain calm, there's only three minutes. Just close out the world and think.
For the love of God I wish that twit would have left the music off, it's not like I'll need it...
One, I think these were also meant to be thoughts, right? So italicize them. Two, you entered an unneccessary break here, I think.

Quote:
Well, whatever it is, he hoped it wasn't "love".
"whatever it was". The rest of this is written in past tense, so keep this line the same way. Also, I giggled at that line.

Finally, to finish off the critique, it was a tad bit short, but it's only the first chapter. I do hope they'll be a bit longer from now on.

To give a thing or two positive, I liked the dark humor (example being, the ending line), and I definitely find this intriguing. I have a few ideas as to what may be going on, considering you tell us this is about The Trick House, but I ain't saying anything until later.

Lemme know through a VM/PM when a new chapter is out!


Thanks to ShinySandshrew of serebiiforums for the banner!
  #3    
Old August 24th, 2011, 10:34 PM
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Originally Posted by IanDonyer View Post
Lol! I know how you feel there.



I can't quite put my finger on it, but something sounded odd to me here. Perhaps separate the two parts of the first sentence into two differences sentences, or change things around to link better with the first section (i.e., "He couldn't remember how he came to be in this place, instead only remembering battling against that stranger" or something along those lines.)



A good question, dear Adrian. A good question indeed.



This should be in italics, I believe. It was meant to be thought process, right?



This can do so much better WITHOUT that last part of the sentence. It sounds repetitive: if you tell us that he's demanding, one can infer that he doesn't sound like he's making a plea. Plus, you used the word just a sentence earlier, which threw me off, personally.



One, I think these were also meant to be thoughts, right? So italicize them. Two, you entered an unneccessary break here, I think.



"whatever it was". The rest of this is written in past tense, so keep this line the same way. Also, I giggled at that line.

Finally, to finish off the critique, it was a tad bit short, but it's only the first chapter. I do hope they'll be a bit longer from now on.

To give a thing or two positive, I liked the dark humor (example being, the ending line), and I definitely find this intriguing. I have a few ideas as to what may be going on, considering you tell us this is about The Trick House, but I ain't saying anything until later. :P

Lemme know through a VM/PM when a new chapter is out!
Yay! Thank you for the critique!
I have made all necessary changes and will make the chapters larger :D

I have work today and tomorrow, so I'll start writing on the weekend!


...Let's play a game...
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  #4    
Old August 30th, 2011, 05:34 AM
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I hope this is good, it took me a while to write. I'm anxious for feedback, so I'm posting this a day early. Hope you like it! I also tried to add some length, so let's see how that works out.

--Chapter Two--

Exiting his isolation, Adrian walked into a large chamber. There were several doors on each of the four walls, and only one person was in the room. Occupied with the music blasting from his speakers, the person did not notice Adrian enter. Taking a quick glance around Adrian noticed he had come out of a room labelled "C1". Every room was labelled, but Adrian wasn't focusing on reading them all - he was more concerned with the young adult before him.

At first, he thought he was the person who had taken him, but one look at his young features told Adrian otherwise. He didn't look like he would match the voice he heard over the speaker, but looks could be fleeting. Still, Adrian just couldn't believe his captor would be standing outside the rooms, idly listening to his iPod. Before he had a chance to approach him, a door violently flew open. Out of isolation, a muscly man angrily scanned the room.

"You two!" He barked, furiously striding towards them. His leg muscles contracted with each step and Adrian was beginning to wonder how fast it would take this guy to pummel him. The person with the headphones was still in his own little world, now tapping his feet to the beat of his music.

Before the muscle man could come in contact with either people in the room, two more doors burst open. Out came two females, both wearing similar outfits of skirts and a jumper. The two sighed in relief upon leaving their rooms, but retained a look of sadness when they realized they were stuck in yet another room.

Just as they were about to talk, the speaker buzzed in through the static.

"Congratulations, you have completed your first challenge, Contestants. You will be rewarded with life-"

"Cheapskate," one of the girls muttered.

"-while the others won't be." As the speaker finished that sentence, three dull thuds were heard behind three different doors. The concepts of what was concealed behind those doors sent chills up Adrians spine. The voice remained cold and emotionless, and continued to speak in the same continuous drone.

"Now, I bet you're all wondering where your Pokemon are. Well look, stupids, they're over there." Adrian hadn't noticed before, but the floor was concocted out of adjustable panels. Three panels at the edge of the room moved under the floor to let a chest slide up from the ground. The panels were then replaced and the chest rested on top of them. The chest opened slightly and a Pokeball gently rolled out. The center button flashed red and a peaceful looking Wigglytuff swayed in place, in between the Contestants and their Pokemon.

"Just get past my nice little friend and what's rightfully yours will return to your possession. Bye, my little Contestants." With a buzz the speaker shut off, the stony voice adding more seriousness to the situation. The person with headphones was now gracefully unplugging them, having noticed four new Contestants, a Pokemon and a chest. His music was now barely audible dangling from his shirt, but its presence created a minor annoyance. Adrian would wish he would turn the thing off, but he didn't want to seem rude.

The speaker quickly relayed an arrogant announcement which wasn't said earlier. "Oh yes, sorry to interrupt your thriving progression, but I really do hate the time people waste on introductions. Phones, your name is one, Muscles, two, Other Guy, three, Miss Blonde, four, and last and most likely least, you'll be five. My name is the Trick Master." It then shut off for what seemed to be the final time.

"Well, I guess I'm three," Adrian said," but this doesn't really seem hard. The Wigglytuff is practically screaming 'walk past me'."

"Oh it's so cute, let me pet it," Four squealed, running towards the Wigglytuff. "Aaarrrgghhh!"

The Wigglytuff's placid smile and gentle sways quickly transformed into an angered pose. The second Fours fingers reached out to give an affectionate rub, it opened its mouth and clamped fiercely on Fours arm. Wigglytuff's eyes gained a malevolent depth as Fours arm began to drip with crimson blood. The others were too shocked to respond to the danger, and Four managed to kick Wigglytuff away from her. The adrenaline acted as a natural pain killer, but Four was fighting back sniffles as she retreated back near the rest of the group. Oddly enough, Wigglytuff returned to its swaying state, as if she could fool them a second time.

"Are you okay?!" Five said, rushing to her aid. Four was covering her wound with her hand, to scared to look at the damage.

"It's okay, I've got it," Five reassured Four, slowly removing Fours hand from over her wound. Five omitted a small gasp as the blood from the wound slowly began to circulate again. A set of deep marks were embedded in Fours skin, each one streaming a small reservoir of blood. The smell of blood was enjoyed by the Wiggytuff, who giggled as the scent wafted across the room.

"It's fine, darl. Just put some pressure on it for now, it's all we can do," Five said confidently. She gave Four a one armed hug, making sure not to collide with her wound.

"Oh dear, our first casualty. Nurse Barbara, please assist Four to our infirmary." The speaker beeped out as a door slid ajar. Out slipped a lean robot, who was rather slinky. Each of its limbs were made so thin it looked like it defied physics just by being able to walk. It was highly polished and even smelled new, coloured a futuristic white.

Nurse Barbara silently approached Four, and beckoned her towards the infirmary. Four didn't seem to trust Nurse Barbara, and she cautiously stepped backwards while shaking her head. Five sternly walked in front of Four, her solemn expression showing her intention of not letting Four go.

In the distraction, One slowly sneaked past the others and began to creep towards the chest. Nurse Barbara had a face, but it showed no expression. Instead, it bent its legs. With astonishing speed and strength Nurse Barbara ran around Five and hoisted Four on her shoulders. She then disappeared behind the door labelled 'Infirmary'.

"No! Sis!" Five screamed, pounding on the door which Four was taken into. She desperately yanked at the handle of the door, before finally accepting Four was gone. She turned her back against the door and slumped downwards, dissolving into tears. No one (not even Wigglytuff) had noticed One moving against the wall, slowly but surely advancing towards the chest. Adrian and Two tried to awkwardly comfort Five. Neither seemed to be good with words, and it didn't help that they were all complete strangers.

Wigglytuff had heard One's music through her spiky ears and his position was given away. But instead of attacking, Wigglytuff's actions were completely different. As it turned around, its eyes turned glassy and its mouth curved into a nonplussed smile. One, confused on the matter, stopped moving. Taking advantage of the moment of no movement, Adrian ran towards the chest. Diving through unmarked Pokeballs, he found the only Friend Ball and firmly grasped it.

"Move," he warned One, who was still frozen in place, similarly to Wigglytuff. One nodded and ran over to Two and Five, and Wigglytuff's dazed demeanor was replaced by its demonic one.

"Hey!" Adrian yelled, "Let's battle." Releasing his Pokemon from its Friend Ball, Adrian prepared for a rough battle against the rogue Wigglytuff.


...Let's play a game...
3DS FC: 3411-1566-9347
Paired to Naya Rivera & ShiningRaichu

Last edited by Impo; September 2nd, 2011 at 01:32 AM.
  #5    
Old August 30th, 2011, 10:24 AM
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"Hey!" Adrian yelled, "let's battle."
The "l" in "let's" should be a "Let's".

Other than that, there's not really much I can say about this chapter, other than the fact that I'm loving this concept. A darker version of the Trick House with a Saw-esque Trick Master. Also, Four is an idiot for trusting this guy enough to even consider following "Nurse Barbara" into the Infirmary. She's totally dead, isn't she? D:

Good chapter. Once again, lemme know when when a new one comes through VM.


Thanks to ShinySandshrew of serebiiforums for the banner!

Last edited by IanDonyer; August 30th, 2011 at 11:51 AM.
  #6    
Old September 1st, 2011, 01:17 AM
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Originally Posted by IanDonyer View Post
The "l" in "let's" should be a "Let's".

Other than that, there's not really much I can say about this chapter, other than the fact that I'm loving this concept. A darker version of the Trick House with a Saw-esque Trick Master. Also, Four is an idiot for trusting this guy enough to even consider following "Nurse Barbara" into the Infirmary. She's totally dead, isn't she? D:

Good chapter. Once again, lemme know when when a new one comes through VM.
Haha, I'm not releasing anything about Four! Oh, and she was dragged by NB into the Infirmary, not on her own accord. Just in case you thought she'd follow them xD .

Yes! I was aiming for a saw like Trick Master, I'm glad there's a resemblance, because frankly I'm to scared to watch Saw.

I'm proud of this chapter, in all modesty, and this next one will be one the battle plus some perspective on each character (Including the Trick Master). Also why Wigglytuff was so transfigured by One. That part seems really confusing if you're not omniscient to the story.

Thanks again for the feedback, I really appreciate it :D .


...Let's play a game...
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  #7    
Old September 1st, 2011, 05:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Impo View Post
The others were to shocked to respond to the danger
The emboldened to should be too- as it represents an excess of quantity, and the previous comment about capitalization also applies, but other than that, the punctuation looks fine. It's very easy to read, which is always good, and overall, the structure seems to be just fine.

Now then, onto the actual story... I like the way you've made the characters, other than Adrian, totally anonymous for the moment by not naming them, and simply giving them a number and very brief description. It helps keep the focus on Adrian as he is the only one who has a name, making him less alienated to the reader. However, it felt slightly obvious about what was going to happen with Wigglytuff and Four- but that's been rectified with Four's disappearance into the "Infirmary". Although, again, it seems so obvious that she's dead that she can't possibly actually be dead.

Other than those little nit-pickings, I'm enjoying it so far, and look forward immensely to the next installment.
Me in a nutshell:
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2. I'm a Conservative.
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4. I am always willing to talk with anyone who wants it, so don't be scared to PM or VM me.
5. I can recite most of the Bible from memory.

Now enjoy my kitty.
____━━____┓━╭━━━━━╮
____━━____┗┓|::::::^━━━^
____━━____━┗|::::。◕‿‿­­­­◕。|
____━━____━━╰O--O-O--O ╯
  #8    
Old September 1st, 2011, 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Nox Masque View Post
The emboldened to should be too- as it represents an excess of quantity, and the previous comment about capitalization also applies, but other than that, the punctuation looks fine. It's very easy to read, which is always good, and overall, the structure seems to be just fine.
I'm a little bad with my punctuation, considering I'm using wordpad xD .

Quote:
Now then, onto the actual story... I like the way you've made the characters, other than Adrian, totally anonymous for the moment by not naming them, and simply giving them a number and very brief description. It helps keep the focus on Adrian as he is the only one who has a name, making him less alienated to the reader. However, it felt slightly obvious about what was going to happen with Wigglytuff and Four- but that's been rectified with Four's disappearance into the "Infirmary". Although, again, it seems so obvious that she's dead that she can't possibly actually be dead.
Yeah, I want Adrian to relate to the readers more.
...Nice logic there with Wigglytuff, you'll have to wait and see if you're right ;D .

Quote:
Other than those little nit-pickings, I'm enjoying it so far, and look forward immensely to the next installment.
I love the little nitpicks, they help me improve :) .

Thanks a bunch for the feedback, I really appreciate it :D !


...Let's play a game...
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  #9    
Old September 2nd, 2011, 07:00 PM
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yay for no posting roster

I tried to give this chapter a little comedy, I'm anxious for feedback. Also, special thanks to Nox Masque for helping me with Pokemon choices.

--Chapter Three--

The infirmary was cold and white, giving off an aesthetic feel. There were no windows and only a dim light in the center of the room. The light gave everything an eerie glow, and paired with Four's negative thoughts every stretching shadow seemed one surrounding her in vicious threats.

I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Oh my God I'm going to die.

The repetition of this thought followed Four as she was carried by Nurse Barbara into a large chair. Nurse Barbara carelessly dropped Four onto the chair, who yelped as she landed on her injured arm. The chair was similar to one of a dentists, and smelt distinctly of chemicals. Staining the chair with blood, she writhed into an upright position and was immediately restrained by cuffs appearing from inside the chair. Her legs, neck and arms were all binded tightly and she could barely breathe.

"What are you doing...?" she choked. The pain was exhausting, and silent tears streaked her cheeks.

"Speeding up your recovery," Nurse Barbara replied. Nurse Barbara calmly walked towards a cupboard on the wall and returned with a simple needle and thread. Four would have believed she was going to sow something crafty, but then she realized there was nothing to sow. Nothing, except her.

"The Trick Master prefers his contestants be in a suitable condition, so I will stitch up your wounds. No pain-killers will be administrated, though feel free to pass out from the pain."

Four immediately panicked, throwing an ineffective tantrum while stuck in her chair. She stopped moving as soon as she felt the first prick on her skin. Not used to experiencing pain, Four gritted her teeth in an attempt to mentally block the feel of her skin being sowed together. Feeling every stitch being sowed and the thread sliding in and out of her skin was unbearably painful for Four. She was scared of what was going to happen when she did, but Four eventually fell unconscious from the pain.

--

"Ready? Go, Gardevoir!"

Adrian's Gardevoir twirled out of the room, apparently unaware of the temperament which was the swaying Wigglytuff before them.

"Be on your guard, this one's sneaky" Adrian warned his Pokemon, "Gardevoir, use Psychic!"

Gardevoir crossed its arms and its eyes glowed a light blue. Wigglytuffs ears pricked as it sensed an attack, and began to surge forward, hoping to hit Gardevoir before it could finish charging its attack. Wigglytuff was barely half a meter away from Gardevoir when it sent its arms open, two blue waves of energy twirled in unison. The attack hit Wigglytuff square in the chest, ricocheting it backwards. It rolled over the floor and showed no signs of getting up.

"One hit KO, go Gardy!" paraded Adrian, lost in his moment of success. Gardevoir turned and curtsied with her elegant ballroom gown. Adrian returned Gardevoir back to its Friend Ball and brushed his hands together, congratulating himself with a battle well fought.

"Grr! Wigglytuff!"

After being hit critically with such a powerful attack, Adrian was surprised to see that Wigglytuff was still standing. It had sustained injuries, but instead of hindering it they seemed to increase its determination to attack. Surprised by its sudden agility, Adrian fumbled with his Friend Ball, and it slipped from his grasp and rolled onto the floor.
Wigglytuff was gaining momentum and preparing to attack with a malicious double edge, and all Adrian could do was brace for impact.

"Mach Punch, Hitmonchan!"

Before Adrian could feel the impact of a double edge, a Hitmonchan sped in front of him with a glowing fist, and punched the Wigglytuff in the jaw with a deafening crack. The combined force of Wigglytuff's speed and Hitmonchan's awaiting fist resulted in a hasty knock out. Wigglytuff didn't even have enough time to register what happened before it was down on the floor.

This time it was out for sure, as it receded back into its Pokeball and sifted through one of the panels in the floor. Adrian turned to see the Hitmonchan punching its fists together, and Two, who was wearing a confident grin.

"Did you forget our Pokemon were there too?"

Amidst Adrian's battle against Wigglytuff, Two had taken advantage of the distraction to receive his Pokemon back, then await to use one by surprise. Luckily he did, or else Adrian would probably have been killed by a Wigglytuff.

"Whew, thanks man," Adrian told Two, who heartily laughed.

"You gotta be careful, ya know? Can't let those Wiggytuff beat ya," he said jokily, "they're dangerous an' pink!"

"Hey, that one was rogue!" Adrian said, defending himself.

"Whatevs'," Two said, "What happens now?"

"Well, I think we have to wait. We should probably comfort Five, she seems upset. And One isn't giving much support.

Adrian and Two went back to help Five, who was still cradling her head in her hands. One, on the other hand, had once again shut off the world and receded into his headphones, playing his music at an earsplitting loud volume.

--

Four groggily awoke from her pain induced sleep to herself unrestrained. Nurse Barbara wasn't in the room, and she still felt pain tingling in her wounded arm. She slowly looked at her arm, and saw that her wounds had been sowed up nicely. The stitches were an odd red colour, and Four began to gingerly move it, to see how capable she was of using her arm.

She then realized that she was standing in a room alone when the others were outside. She tried to open the door with her good arm and it stayed shut.

I knew it...

"Evening."

Four jumped as the speaker buzzed into the Infirmary.

"Now, I have restored you to health, but I want something in return."

"What?" Four answered sourly. It's not like she had money with her.

"Fun."

"You pervert!" Four roared, using her hands to gesture rudely at the speaker.

"Huh? What? No! Not that. A good time."

Four looked rather bemused, and began to contemplate whether she should just kick the speaker off the wall.

"Oh for the love of - escape this room. That's what's in it for me."

"The doors locked."

"Oh, wow. Nice job, Sherlock. There's a way out. But you have to find it in thirty seconds."

"Or?"

"Don't you remember my good friend, Carbon Monoxide?"

A flashback of the three horrible thuds that were heard in the other room came flooding back to Four. She used to think this was just some prank, but this was too far. This was something else.

"So, let me get this straight," Four cleared her throat. "You fix my arm, and then just kill me?"

The speaker paused, then replied with a blunt "The stitches were going out of date. You may start now." The speaker shut off and left Four to frantically search the room.

There was only one cupboard, from which Nurse Barbara extracted the medical aids, and it was empty.

Twenty-five seconds.

She then ran to the chair, and began to tear at the padding, hoping to find a concealed instrument to help her escape. Nothing.

Fifteen seconds.

Out of brutish desperation Four began to try and knock the door down. Tears began to glisten as she began to accept it was solid and shut. She had an injured arm, no help and no time.

Ten seconds.


...Let's play a game...
3DS FC: 3411-1566-9347
Paired to Naya Rivera & ShiningRaichu

Last edited by Impo; September 3rd, 2011 at 04:32 AM.
  #10    
Old September 3rd, 2011, 04:06 AM
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x3 Haha, I really enjoyed this~! Delightfully creepy - I guessed it was going to be Saw-esque from the gathering of people in the middle of the rooms while those who failed were exterminated; it looks like this is going to be a lot of fun. :3 I'm not much a fan of the movies myself - too much gore in the later ones, I'm more of a supernatural horror gal - but this has caught me nevertheless. I get the feeling I'm going to be cringing a lot into my seat later, though. x333

One little thing I noted:

Quote:
Nothing pain-killers will be administrated, though feel free to pass out from the pain."
It should be 'No' instead of nothing there, I believe. x3

Yeah - am really looking forward to the next part! :3 What a cliff-hanger...! Drop me a vm as well~?
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  #11    
Old September 3rd, 2011, 04:34 AM
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Originally Posted by katiekitten View Post
x3 Haha, I really enjoyed this~! Delightfully creepy - I guessed it was going to be Saw-esque from the gathering of people in the middle of the rooms while those who failed were exterminated; it looks like this is going to be a lot of fun. :3 I'm not much a fan of the movies myself - too much gore in the later ones, I'm more of a supernatural horror gal - but this has caught me nevertheless. I get the feeling I'm going to be cringing a lot into my seat later, though. x333

One little thing I noted:



It should be 'No' instead of nothing there, I believe. x3
All fixed :3 Thanks!
I also don't like the saw movies, they freak me out. This is basically the small amount of knowledge I have about the person who is the Saw man.

Quote:
Yeah - am really looking forward to the next part! :3 What a cliff-hanger...! Drop me a vm as well~?
Hehe, cliffhangers :) !
I will gladly drop you a vm :D !
Thanks for the feedback, I greatly appreciate it!


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  #12    
Old September 5th, 2011, 08:53 AM
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This is looking to be very good, and other than the small mistake katiekitten already pointed out, there are no grammatical mistakes I can see, which is always a good thing!

I'm not really one to get emotionally affected by fiction, but yours does really set my teeth on edge, partially because I'm death-scared of carbon-monoxide. Plus,t he Trick Master seems to be my favourite kind of villain- smart, witty, and evil. Keep up the good work!
Me in a nutshell:
1. I'm a conservative Anglican.
2. I'm a Conservative.
3. I have very strong morals and will impose them on you at leisure.
4. I am always willing to talk with anyone who wants it, so don't be scared to PM or VM me.
5. I can recite most of the Bible from memory.

Now enjoy my kitty.
____━━____┓━╭━━━━━╮
____━━____┗┓|::::::^━━━^
____━━____━┗|::::。◕‿‿­­­­◕。|
____━━____━━╰O--O-O--O ╯
  #13    
Old September 6th, 2011, 12:19 AM
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This is looking to be very good, and other than the small mistake katiekitten already pointed out, there are no grammatical mistakes I can see, which is always a good thing!
Yay, I was afraid I'd have a bunch of grammatical errors :D !

Quote:
I'm not really one to get emotionally affected by fiction, but yours does really set my teeth on edge, partially because I'm death-scared of carbon-monoxide. Plus,t he Trick Master seems to be my favourite kind of villain- smart, witty, and evil. Keep up the good work!
Haha, just after I put it in my story we learned about Carbon Monoxide in my Psychics class. It's surprisingly easy to make, unfortunately.

And yes, I always love those kind of villains! Their attitude helps the story immensely.
Thank you, and thanks a lot for the comment, I really appreciate it :D !


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  #14    
Old September 7th, 2011, 03:51 AM
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Well, here is Chapter Four. Four, is it? Or maybe Five? I don't know, but oh well.
This chapter and the next I'm hoping to focus on character development, showing how each character thinks, their mindset, and also why they are in the Trick House. Also, I tried to highlight the Trick Master a touch at the end. I tried to add a factor of realism to this, but I still feel it isn't one of the better chapters.

Anywho, please comment and critique. I'm anxious for your feedback!

--Chapter Four--

Five remained slouched against the door of the Infirmary as Adrian and Two headed towards her. She jumped up as she felt the door being dislodged. She quickly put her ear to the door.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Four thumps. Four. It was her. She's okay.

"Two! Three!" Five was practically choking with relief, "Bash this door down, please hurry!"

She then returned her attention to the door.

Five seconds.

"Sis, sis! Stand back, we're getting this door down!" Five screamed, tears of happiness beginning to form. Fighting back sniffles she stood to the side as Two instructed his Hitmonchan to punch the wall down.

With a deafening crunch the Infirmary's door was forced off its hinges and it fell to the floor. Four ran out of the room and sprinted straight to the chest. The others watched her, feeling Four was being a little oblivious to those who rescued her. She frantically grabbed a Love Ball from the chest and summoned her Butterfree.

"What're you doing?" Five questioned. She was grateful that Four was safe, but she found her actions odd.

"Whirlind on the Infirmary, Butterfree!" Four had transcended into a more optimistic and confident tone of speech, as her Butterfree sent spiraling currents of wind to the Infirmary.

"Have you lost it?" Five approached Four and grabbed her hand. Four flinched and carefully checked her stitches.

"Carbon Monoxide," Four panted, "It's coming out of that room. It'll kill us. Listen."

The group was silent for a few seconds, and a distant hissing could be heard. It sounded similar to a gas leak, or when people pressed air guns.

"Carbon Monoxide is a colorless, odorless and tasteless gas which is highly poisonous to humans. We should probably put the door back up," One added. His headphones were still in place, but he seemed to have still heard the conversation. He had such an beneficial and encyclopedic knowledge of something that would slowly kill them, yet his voice remained eerily calm. Adrian released his Gardevoir again and instructed it to sow the door back up using Psychic.

"Yay, teamwork!" Five said. The encouragement sounded petty, but it felt as though it had an undertone of sincerity. Before more could be said the speaker interrupted and the Trick Master demanded attention.

"Well done, Contestants. Four, you cleared your task, and the others finished theirs before it was even given. I give you my applause."

A dull clap was heard from the speaker, then the Trick Master continued to talk.

"But now, you must be getting tired, after all, you haven't had any source of nutrients for over 6 hours. And to be frank, I haven't finished preparing something for you. So back to isolation for you!"

Before anyone could react, the panels on the floor acted like a conveyor belt, hurling each contestant into their respective rooms, with much protest. As soon as they passed through the doorway the doors snapped shut and locked themselves.

--

The Trick Master sat in a comfortable leather chair, surveying many hours of video footage he had been using to record the results of his Contestants.

"Wait a minute..."

He zoomed into the video, pausing during One's sneaky plight to the chest of Pokeballs, noticing something odd. Wigglytuff stopped completely, instead of pouncing like it was trained to do. Magnifying further, the Trick Master pinpointed the reason for the occurrence, and ran his fingers through his thick hair.

"Ah, the music."

The Trick Master focused on One's headphones, which were blasting music at the time. When Wigglytuff hears music, it retreats into its "safe mode". The Trick Master grinned. These new set of Contestants are proving capable of overcoming Tricks for Beginners. We shall see how they fair in the Intermediate phase.

I hope they don't prove to be asymptotic to death.

The Trick Master lazily glanced at his watch, his facial expression converting to a more alarmed one as he noticed the time. Six o'clock, post meridiem. The Trick Master hurriedly switched a screen portraying the empty Infirmary to one showing the daily news. He laughed maniacally as what he expected flooded the screen.

We are live with a special news report.

A female reporter braced the slight breeze in her skirt as she stood outside of Route 110. She was adjacent to the entrance of Cycling Road, but if you studied her background you would see the Trick Master's House.

"There has currently been no progress on the Kidnapping Case. Quinn Stone and her younger sister, Kate Stone, were last seen here in Route 110 three days ago. The two are daughters of Mr. Stevens, current President of the Devon Corporation. He has made a public appeal, requesting anyone with information regarding the safety of his children to come forward immediately. Mr. Stevens is offering a large sum of precious stones that he has been hoarding as a reward.

So far, there have been no witnesses and Police are remaining tight-lipped regarding their investigations. If you have any information please call the number on the screen now."


The Trick Master returned the screen back to surveillance and continued to laugh maniacally.

"Haha! They'll never find them! Because I have them, and the witnesses! Proves them wrong for firing me, those thoughtless bastards!" The Trick Master babbled variations of those words, his voice increasing in velocity after every syllable. He leaped from his chair and began to spin in circles, overcome with sheer emotion.


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Last edited by Impo; September 12th, 2011 at 09:51 PM.
  #15    
Old September 7th, 2011, 10:23 AM
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I didn't notice any grammatical errors, however I did think it was a bit odd to use the term velocity for a few reasons-
Firstly, velocity is the stable speed of something being exerted upon by a force, usually gravity or thrust, so it's incorrect to use on a word. Plus, a velocity cannot increase on its own because of its very nature. So, other than that, incompeta nihil.

You've managed to pack quite a lot of information into a short space, which naturally cost you descriptive space. Obviously it is unavoidable, but you've managed to bypass the total loss of description and been able to give the reader a basic description of the surroundings. Far too many writers simply write what is happening- you use adverbs and adjectives extensively and it is a good trait.

Your mini cliffhanger, for want of a better term, at the end, leaves me wandering who fired the Trick Master and from what, and why Adrian and the others have been kidnapped. Keeping a reader in suspense is an excellent skill in writing and makes each chapter make the reader think "So THAT'S why... etc etc" in addition, you actually make these cliffhangers flow, which is naturally good.

As always, I await the next installment on the edge of my seat and with my fingernails clawing into my seat.
Me in a nutshell:
1. I'm a conservative Anglican.
2. I'm a Conservative.
3. I have very strong morals and will impose them on you at leisure.
4. I am always willing to talk with anyone who wants it, so don't be scared to PM or VM me.
5. I can recite most of the Bible from memory.

Now enjoy my kitty.
____━━____┓━╭━━━━━╮
____━━____┗┓|::::::^━━━^
____━━____━┗|::::。◕‿‿­­­­◕。|
____━━____━━╰O--O-O--O ╯
  #16    
Old September 7th, 2011, 02:10 PM
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You always give detailed, professional and informative reviews, so I thank you deeply :)


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I didn't notice any grammatical errors, however I did think it was a bit odd to use the term velocity for a few reasons-
Firstly, velocity is the stable speed of something being exerted upon by a force, usually gravity or thrust, so it's incorrect to use on a word. Plus, a velocity cannot increase on its own because of its very nature. So, other than that, incompeta nihil.
Ah, I just thought it meant something to do with speed, so I placed it there. Thanks, I'll change it ASAP :D .

Quote:
You've managed to pack quite a lot of information into a short space, which naturally cost you descriptive space. Obviously it is unavoidable, but you've managed to bypass the total loss of description and been able to give the reader a basic description of the surroundings. Far too many writers simply write what is happening- you use adverbs and adjectives extensively and it is a good trait.
Why thank you :3
I did think I was cramming it in this chapter, but it's nice to be reassured that you can still understand it :) .

Quote:
Your mini cliffhanger, for want of a better term, at the end, leaves me wandering who fired the Trick Master and from what, and why Adrian and the others have been kidnapped. Keeping a reader in suspense is an excellent skill in writing and makes each chapter make the reader think "So THAT'S why... etc etc" in addition, you actually make these cliffhangers flow, which is naturally good.
I just couldn't be bothered writing more this chapter.
I wasn't planning on it, but I do seem to be having abnormally large amounts of cliffhangers. And if they flow, then it's better :) .

Quote:
As always, I await the next installment on the edge of my seat and with my fingernails clawing into my seat.
Yay, I love to hear that :D .
Thank you very much for the feedback, I really do appreciate it :) .


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  #17    
Old September 8th, 2011, 10:35 AM
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<3! This is developing nicely! The switch to the Trick Master was a neat way of introducing some of the explanations, I appreciated it. x3

Intriguing cliff-hanger as well. The 'witnesses'? :3

I didn't spot anything grammatically wrong this time, kudos for that, btw :3 <3
"To ride a horse is to ride the sky."



Possession - Winner of Fic of the month! (September... 2006) xD
  #18    
Old September 12th, 2011, 01:20 AM
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<3! This is developing nicely! The switch to the Trick Master was a neat way of introducing some of the explanations, I appreciated it. x3

Intriguing cliff-hanger as well. The 'witnesses'? :3

I didn't spot anything grammatically wrong this time, kudos for that, btw :3 <3
Thanks for the feedback ^^ !
The Witnesses shall be explained soon enough, and no errors :D !

Also, I might not update this week, because I've been sick. I vomited 6 times in 6 hours, hooray!


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