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  #1    
Old September 2nd, 2012, 04:01 PM
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JFought
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They say that conspiracies are just superstitions, created by the general public to create hysteria. I say they’re true, and that’s because of that one experience…

It was sunny and the air smelled of freshly mowed grass. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and- oh who am I kidding. It was HORRIBLE. It smelled of pit sweat and the only sounds were the agonizing screams of kids reuniting with their bullies. The first day of school. Like 9th grade was hard enough. It was like returning to Nazi Germany after Hitler personally killed your family. I saw the POKE again, a group of kids obsessed with Pokémon. I sorta like Pokémon. Only a little. I used to LOVE it, but then came the Sinnoh region and it became a joke. Back to the current subject, all of the new classes were a bore and I was glad when school ended. But then, when walking back to school, I was ambushed and thrown into the back of a truck and was then hit with a frying pan, knocking me unconscious.
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Old September 2nd, 2012, 04:03 PM
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JFought
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Don’t you just hate it when a story immediately just throws the main character into action at the start of a book? Sorry, but that’s what happened here. I couldn’t find a better way to start a book of events that happen to you. What, you want a “Hey mom, I’m off to school!” full documentation of everything that happened at school? I’m not very good at that kind of stuff. I’m pretty sure 10th grade Geometry isn’t very fun. Anyway, I woke up in a big glass dome. ? Is all I could think. I looked around. The dome was surrounded by a big grassy meadow, so this wasn’t a test site for studying how teenagers react when they are kidnapped. Unless there were hidden cameras. That would just be creepy. Anyway, the dome had cotton plates around it, 5 in total. I was on one of them. Does that mean there were gonna be more confused people coming? Hmm. I suddenly heard a noise and a plate appeared on the ground behind me. On the blue plate was a blue berry. It looked like the one I found at lunch today. I started to think of how they got the berry, when it hit me……..
THEY TOOK IT OUT OF MY STOMACH!
Just kidding. It hit me that someone was watching me with extreme interest when I ate it. And I’m pretty sure the face of that person is the last thing I saw when I blacked out. Ok, now things are just getting ridiculous (boy that was just the beginning). Who stalks someone, knocks them out, and then sends them into some random dome? Well, I WAS pretty hungry, so I picked it up and ate it. Then the persons face flashed in my mind again. Then I heard an ominous voice saying “SUCKA!”
Too Late
I was already sent into a sudden seizure and I “Yellowed” out. Normally I’d say blacked out but I saw yellow as I drifted into dreamworld.
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Old September 2nd, 2012, 04:27 PM
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Aques Keus
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Its a bit short and has a lot of digressions, there isn't much of a story here (meaning get more then post it all at once) These aren't really chapters but paragraphs.
I like the story though, I assume here that it is a school story (maybe a drama)
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Old September 2nd, 2012, 08:27 PM
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Phantom
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Also, if when posting online it's standard to post with full spaces in between each paragraph.

Like this.

And this.

Because it makes it easier to read it online. Right now it's a text wall. The chapters are, agreed, way too short. Also in writing you should use numbers, just spell them out; ie using 'five' instead of '5'.
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