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Illusionist to Spellcaster

Prof. Pine

Hero of Winds and Dreams
424
Posts
20
Years
    • It was a pleasant day in Rockwell City, and not to mention the Illusionist Steve is appearing to have a show today...

    Chapter One: Illusionist's Failure
    "For my first trick I shall rub this normal quarter into my flesh and then blow it out my nose..." said the soon-to-be-famous illusionist Steve said showing the crowd the quarter,"Now just watch carefully."

    His first trick was a dud, quarter fell right of his had before he got it up to his nose to "blow it out." He went to another trick called the "Ring and String Miracle," he messed that one up to, ring was seen in his other hand. It wasn't a good day for the so-called illusionist Steve.

    "I'll find a trick that is imposible to screw up,"Steve said packing his illusions into his suitcase,"I know I'll ask one of my friends see if they know any tricks."

    He got over to his friends house and then ask,"Do you know any tricks that I couldn't fail at?"

    "Sorry dude,"said Steve's friend Mark,"There is nothing I could help ya with, but I did hear that there is a magic book near the south caverns."

    "Okay then It looks like I'm heading towards the South Caverns!" Steve said,"see ya Mark!"

    "Whatever dude..." Mark replided,"I always knew you were a psycho..."

    Chapter Two is coming soon!
    If you have any commets please go ahead and post them, the same way with any ways I could make the next Chpter a little better.    ​
     

    Kelsey

    ~-*-~-*-~-*-~
    1,912
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Seen Mar 30, 2005
    Prof. Pine said:
    It was a pleasant day in Rockwell City, and not to mention the Illusionist Steve is appearing to have a show today...

    Chapter One: Illusionist's Failure
    "For my first trick I shall rub this normal quarter into my flesh and then blow it out my nose..." said the soon-to-be-famous illusionist Steve said showing the crowd the quarter,"Now just watch carefully."

    His first trick was a dud, quarter fell right of his had before he got it up to his nose to "blow it out." He went to another trick called the "Ring and String Miracle," he messed that one up to, ring was seen in his other hand. It wasn't a good day for the so-called illusionist Steve.

    "I'll find a trick that is imposible to screw up,"Steve said packing his illusions into his suitcase,"I know I'll ask one of my friends see if they know any tricks."

    He got over to his friends house and then ask,"Do you know any tricks that I couldn't fail at?"

    "Sorry dude,"said Steve's friend Mark,"There is nothing I could help ya with, but I did hear that there is a magic book near the south caverns."

    "Okay then It looks like I'm heading towards the South Caverns!" Steve said,"see ya Mark!"

    "Whatever dude..." Mark replided,"I always knew you were a psycho..."

    Chapter Two is coming soon!
    If you have any commets please go ahead and post them, the same way with any ways I could make the next Chpter a little better.    ​
    Click to expand...

    Well, I think you could put a bit more effort into it. Now, I'm not saying it's bad, not at all. The only thing is...well, your chapter is just too short. ^^;;

    First, I have found a few problems with grammar and such:
    "For my first trick, I shall rub this normal quarter into my flesh and then blow it out my nose...," said the soon-to-be-famous illusionist Steve, said showing the crowd the quarter, "N(n)ow just watch carefully."

    OK, basically you need to know where to place commas. First off, when using dialogue, you always put a comma after the person's done speaking, but right before the last quotation mark, as I have done above.

    Also, you had the word 'said' in the sentence which needn't have been there, so just get rid of that. ^^

    Also, when the same person is speaking again, if their sentence hasn't ended, then you don't need to uppercase the first letter of the first word the next time they speak. ^o^

    His first trick was a dud, the quarter fell right of his had(hand) before he got it up to his nose to "blow it out." He went to another trick called the "Ring and String Miracle," he messed that one up to, the ring was seen in his other hand. It wasn't a good day for the so-called illusionist Steve.

    All that was wrong here was a few missing words and some spelling errors. So that's nothing to be too concerned with. ^o^

    "I'll find a trick that is imposible(impossible) to screw up," Steve said, packing his illusions into his suitcase, "I know I'll ask one of my friends see if they know any tricks."

    He got over to his friend's house and then ask(asked), "Do you know any tricks that I couldn't fail at?"

    "Sorry dude," said Steve's friend Mark,(.)"There is nothing I could help ya with, but I did hear that there is a magic book near the south caverns."

    "Okay then It looks like I'm heading towards the South Caverns!" Steve said,(.) "s(S)ee ya Mark!"

    "Whatever dude...," Mark replided(replied), "I always knew you were a psycho..."

    OK, basically there's just spelling and grammar mistakes here, which I've corrected. ^^ Also, I must point out that you need a space between a comma and the word after it. ^___^

    Well, you're doing a good job, just be sure to lengthen your chapters more and hopefully take in the advice I have given you. ^.~ And remember, you are more than welcome to PM me for help on your fics, I'd be very happy to help you out. ^_____^

    ~Kelsey
     
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