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  #1    
Old January 23rd, 2006, 02:36 PM
Chibi-chan's Avatar
Chibi-chan
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o.o I haven't been in here for awhile...
Anywho, I had to make a short story for my writing class and made a story I'm proud of. So I'll post it here! =D
BTW, CHIBI LOVES COMMENTS =DD





Forget Me Not

I made it!! Lori screamed as she barged through the door, leaving the rest of the mail sprawled carelessly on the floor. Her mother instantly turned away from the oven to find the source of her daughters jubilation while Morrin peered from around the kitchen counter, the brownie spoon still in his mouth.

Honey! You made what?

I got into Eaglewood!! The brown haired girl exclaimed, bouncing up and down. Her
mothers face seemed to beam with emotion and she tightly embraced her daughter.

Oh! Lori! This is great news! I knew you would! What an achievement! Just wait till your father hears the great news! Lori watched as her mother went to go get the phone. After he had sucked the spoon dry, Morrin went to the doorway where it seemed like his sister was reading the piece of paper in her hand over again, not seeming to know his presence.

Congratulations Lolo! I saved the mixing bowl Mom made the brownies in if you want to it. He grinned.

Morry! Thats immature! You eat the brownies when theyre done. If you were supposed to eat it now, they wouldnt call it brownie mix! She said, ruffling up her brothers already messy brown hair, Besides, arent you excited?! I got into EAGLEWOOD! She screamed, jumping up and down again.

What exactly is Eaglewood again? I kinda forgot

Its that really smart boarding school all the way in England! Can you believe it? ENGLAND! Its likethe Oxford of junior high!

Oxford?

Oh forget it twinnie. Itsjust like a really cool school near where Dad works in England. Next month Ill be over in the United Kingdom!

Morrin watched his sister bounce off the walls, not sharing the same emotion as she did. He knew exactly what Eaglewood wasthat prodigy school in England only for the elitethe place that would take his sister away. Lori had always been smarted than him from the beginning. This had set a high bar for him, being her twin to be expected to be exactly like her, the Corel Twins. But mostly, they were referred to as Lori and Morrin. He was never envious of her genius; he just wished that she wasnt so wrapped up in her work and paid more attention to the fun things that an 11-year-old should be doingand maybe to him.

That is pretty neat, Lori! Hey! Do you want to finish helping me and mo-

Lori! Your dads on the phone! He cant wait to see you more often over in England! Their mom called. Loris emerald eyes seemed to sparkle with excitement as she ran towards where her mother was.

Ill help with the brownies next time, kay?

Uh, okay then.how about later we can go-

Morrin dear! Please take the brownies out of the oven! I think theyre ready.

Alright Mom!

Morrin sighed as he trudged back into the kitchen a little downhearted. He remembered the times that he and his sister had shared together when they were little and even though that wasnt so long ago, it still felt so distant to him. If only his term of fun could be defined the same as hers was. If only they could just spend more time together before she left to this boarding school for the next couple of years. It felt like piece of her that was with him was already sailing away.

******

Heard your sister is leaving this week off to that fancy-pansy school in England, Jared said, positioned against the side of Morrins treehouse in his backyard.

Two days Came a reply from the figure sitting on the open part of the treehouse which was supposedly serving as a window opening.

Dont act so bummed, Morrin. Im sure shell send you all this cool stuff back. Moel commented while throwing his baseball up and then catching it again.

I guess so Morrin yawned.

Dude, youve been acting sleepy all day!

I am sleepy, He rubbed his eyes.

How late did you stay up?

Till eleven,

Dang! Thats pretty late!

What were you doing?

Playing Playstation..

Moel snorted. Mine broke yesterday. I dunno what happened. If just went Whiz! Whirr! Zilip! And it was out. I mean, I shouldve got an Xbox. But then again, Ulysses told me that his burnt a hole in the floor. He just wanted to b-
Just then, Moel heard a thud. He looked over to the treehouse window to see that Morrin was nowhere in sight. Jared jumped up with Moel and leaned over the window to see Morrin two stories below them. Panicking, the two boys rushed down the treehouse; one to check on Morrin while the other quickly raced to find Mrs. Corel.

*****

Lori arrived at the hospital with her father who had heard the news of what had happened to Morrin. Her mother had been in the hospital with him for the past week, and finally Morrin had awoken from his coma. Because of the incident, Lori had refused to leave for England, and insisted on staying until her brother was well. Finally she would be able to talk to him again.

Morrin! Lori tried to whisper when she finally entered his hospital room. God, this place was drearyMorrin just seemed to blink at her arrival.

Larine, dear, I think that-

Oh Morrin! I thought you were dead! Im so glad you recovered! Everyone told me that I should still go to Eaglewood but I didnt listen Her brother cocked his head quizzically.

I think I would have died if you didnt say goodbye to me when I-

Do I know you?

All the air seemed to have left the room, for Lori began to feel a choking feeling in her throat. Her mother seemed to grab a tissue from her purse and began to blow her nose with it. This couldnt be happening.

Thisthis is your twin sister, Morrin. LarineLori.Lolo? His mother seemed to be questioning him, almost begging him to remember something about her. Morrine shook his head.

Im sorrybut I really dont remember you The choking feeling in Loris throat began to extend all the way to her legs as she began to loose her balance and fell on her knees.

Lori. Dont worry. This amnesia may not last too long. He justneeds to come home so he can remember things. Hell be back to his old self again! Wont that be great? So pick yourself back up alright? Nothing is a loss

*******

So! This is our house! Over there is where you almost burnt the couch and over here is the new window we got when you hit a baseball in the window, remember anything yet?
A day later, Morrin was free to come home, and now it was Loris duty being the older one by two minutes to remind him of things he had forgotten.

Not really He said scratching his head, ButI kind of remember something about a sparkler Lori gave her brother a sudden bear hug.

Yes! That was last years New Years Party! Good good good! Making her happy seemed to make him happy. He liked spending time with her.

How about you two make some brownies? Their mom suggested.

Great idea! Common Morrin! I promised you brownies anyway. She said bringing him into the kitchen. It then came upon herif this hadnt had happened, would she be making brownies with him like she said she would? Well, she was now and that was all that mattered, right?

When the brownies were put in the oven, Lori handed Morrin the spatula. Here you go. You like this part. Morrin smiled as he put the spoon in his mouth. She was right. It was good.

Lori, her you go. You can have the
saved the mixing bowl Mom made the brownies in if you want to it.
Morry! Thats immature! You eat the brownies when theyre done. If you were supposed to eat it now, they wouldnt call it brownie mix! Besides, arent you excited?! I got into EAGLEWOOD!
What exactly is Eaglewood again? I kinda forgot
Its that really smart boarding school all the way in England! Can you believe it? ENGLAND! Its likethe Oxford of junior high!
Oxford?
Oh forget it twinnie. Itsjust like a really cool school near where Dad works in England. Next month Ill be over in the United Kingdom!


Morrin stopped in mid-sentence. His memory was starting to come back again. More of rushing back to him. Lori, arent you supposed to be somewhere else? He didnt want to look directly at his sister.

Huh? Oh, are you remembering something?! Well, Im supposed to be in the United Kingdom right now. But! Im not going to leave you until youre alright, got that? Siblings stick together. Especially twins! She said checking the oven. The information seemed to be coming back into his head of his past. The most recent feeling of Lori leaving to a place he wouldnt be goingbut didnt she say that.

Morry, remember that time when the mixer went out of control? She giggled.

Yes.

No.

Oh. Well, Ill tell you what happened. Sheesh! That was a funny time

COMMENTS MAKE CHIBI SQEAL :33
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  #2    
Old January 24th, 2006, 02:11 PM
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Lily
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*comments*

Now, squeal! >O

It was a decent story, although you kinda left me hanging at the end. The concept was alright, and I really liked the character portrayal with Lori and Morrin. There were a few things you could have fixed (I'll be naming two, just so you can see)-

Quote:
"...they wouldnt call they wouldnt call it brownie mix! she said, ruffling up her brothers already messy brown hair...
The 's' in 'she' must be in lowercase. Dialogues have weird grammatical rules. If you hadn't fixed it, then the 'she said' would indicate another separate thought.

Quote:
Two days came a reply from the figure sitting on the open part of the treehouse which was supposedly serving as a window opening.
I would have preferred it if the ellipsis was a comma, but to each his own, or in this case, her~ Again, 'c' is supposed to be in lowercase. I think you get the general concept of this rule; just make sure to keep it in mind when writing dialogues in the future.

Speaking of dialogues, make sure you don't confuse the readers with dialogues...as in who's speaking. I was lost in the hospital scene, but it's a problem that can easily be fixed with some clarification. One more thing with grammar - throughout the story, try adding commas when needed.

Overall, it was a fairly good story. I especially liked the flashbacks and the characterization you gave the twins, and also the way you let Lori try to regain Morrin's memories, so nice job on that! I only wish you could've added a satisfying resolution. After I read it, I went, "What? That's it? ;_;" It *was* an enjoyable, addicting short story.

Good job, Chibi~
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