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  #1    
Old February 6th, 2006, 08:46 PM
MrCheeseyPuff's Avatar
MrCheeseyPuff
Stealth CoOwner:The Ninja Club
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: In a place. With air. I hope.
Age: 22
Gender:
Nature: Quiet
Okay. I've never really publicly showed my writing. Everyone at my old middle school loved it, though, so I'm gonna post a litle bit of chapter one. Please critisize/compliment as necessary. BTW, this is called "Natural Disaster" in case you didn't know.


001: "Technology - What a Bummer!"
"Freeze!" yelled an authoritative voice. Mikael Jonson turned around just in time to die.

He tried to scream. "Holy-" was all he got out before the impact of a SISG* wav hit him full on. He toppled backward - slowly, it seemed - and hit the cold pavement hard. He then discovered that he was ultra-sensitive to the hyper-sonic sound waves produced by the SISGs. He felt a slow rhythmic pounding in his hears and then nothing. Slowly, he stood up.

Eyes wide, he began to say something he would never finish: "I'm... I'm not ult-" and he was cut off by the all-to-familiar "POP" of a person's eardrums exploding with pressure. He howled in pain and - gripping his ears - fell writhing to the sidewalk and screeched at the top of his lungs while the police force stood over him. There was nothing they could do to save him.

But they could do something to prevent more deaths like his.
As Thomas Smith watched the man he had just shot, he began to think. He thought What if we all sign a petition to end the distribution of SISGs? Smith was getting sick of watching men bleed to death through their ears. Especially men like this one. He had skipped bail (he was due in court 3 weeks ago for association in a hitman organization), and now he was dying. As Mikael Jonson Screamed his last scream of life and ceased writhing, Smith spoke up.

"Guys," he whispered, turning his eyes away from the dead man and torward the other members of his squad. "Guys... We should start a petition."

The rest of the squad turned to him with a blank stare on each of their faces.

"A petition to end distribution of the SISGs! Come on! Lok at this guy-" and he pointed to he stone-still figure laying on the sidewalk -" and tell me that we shouldn't end this!" he cried out desperately.

Jasmyn Claire stared thoughtfully at Jonson's body. After a few seconds, she spoke.

"You're right, Smith. We should petition to end things like this, her voice was a barely audible hoarse whisper. Very soon, the rest of the squad members voiced their approval.

Jacob McKain's voice rose over the rest: "Everyone thinks technology is making things better, but look at Jonson and tell me they're right!"

Jokingly, Erin Miller said "Yeah! Technology - what a bummer!" and everyone smiled. It was Miller's personality to turn a somber moment less somber. That was a necessary skill for a police squad member in the year 2057.

*SISG - Standard Issue Sound Gun
________________________________________________________________________________________

So, what do you think? Keep in mind this is not the whole first chapter. And I didn't just think this up on the spot. I've got all of chapter one and the first page of chapter two written out longhand. Hope you enjoyed it.


Always remember: Sirloin tames monsters better than beefjerky, porkchops, and ribs.
Current song I got STUCK IN MY 'EAD: Whatever ~ Godsmack
JOIN THE ALIEN REVOLUTION!

Last edited by MrCheeseyPuff; February 6th, 2006 at 08:49 PM. Reason: Forgot to tell you guys the title....
  #2    
Old February 7th, 2006, 08:24 PM
MrCheeseyPuff's Avatar
MrCheeseyPuff
Stealth CoOwner:The Ninja Club
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: In a place. With air. I hope.
Age: 22
Gender:
Nature: Quiet
Well, it's been about 24 hours. No one's posted. Here's the next part of chapter one.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Zeta Squad returned from the hunt earlier than expected. Smith, Claire, and McKain cooperated to pull out the body bag containing Jonson. Commander Jeffrey Sterling glanced up through the bullet-proof glass near his desk and sighed. He put down his coffee (he preferred it black) and walked towards the front door.

"Wouldn't cooperate?" he asked still staring at the bag.

Miller walked past him. "Nope. Ultra-sensitive." She opened the refigerator. "Got anything to drink?" After waiting, unsuccessfully for a response, she began digging through the fridge's contents.

Sterling walked out into the police parking structure and helped the luggage carriers. He was extremely somber. The other's weren' quite as somber, but he never really understood why.

"Stupid sound..." Claire muttered. No one mentioned anything to Sterling about the petition. They would wait for just the right moment.

"Any calls come in, commander?" Smith asked, just as he always did. The commander tilted his head back thoughtfully.

"No, none that I can recall," he replied. "You should probably ask the chief, though. He might have - " a voice from nearby the refrigerator cut him off.

"Hey! Look what I found!" Miller excitedly exclaimed. She was running towards the group, holding something in her hands. She was looking down at the object and nearly ran into McKain. Screeching to a halt, she slowly opened her cupped hands. Inside was something no one had seen in over thirty years. It was a little kitten.

Everyone gasped in awe. They were so surprised, they droped Jonson's body right onto the floor. THUNK! They just stared at it, mouths gaping open. Then they were just the opposite, everyone wanting to talk at once.

"Where did you-" "Was that thing in the fridge?" "Is it a boy or-" "SHUT UP!!" and everyone did. They were all looking at Sterling.

"What?" Miller asked. "Too loud for ya?"

Sterling glared at her for a few seconds and then voiced his own opinion.

"We should get a test done to mae sure nothing's wrong with it. Then we can name it and train it and everything," he suggested. Everyon nodded. "Thank you! Gees! You'd think you people were only six years old!" he exclaimed.

"Maybe we are," Claire muttered suspiciously. "Maybe we are..."
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What do you guys think? I really need opinions on this, no one at my school will take the time to read past the second paragraph!!


Always remember: Sirloin tames monsters better than beefjerky, porkchops, and ribs.
Current song I got STUCK IN MY 'EAD: Whatever ~ Godsmack
JOIN THE ALIEN REVOLUTION!
  #3    
Old February 8th, 2006, 08:25 PM
MrCheeseyPuff's Avatar
MrCheeseyPuff
Stealth CoOwner:The Ninja Club
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: In a place. With air. I hope.
Age: 22
Gender:
Nature: Quiet
Okay.... Again, it's been 24 hours and no posts.... Are you guys so amazed you're speechless? Or is it something else? NEXT PART OF CHAPTER ONE!!!!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

On the way to the clinic, Smith suddenly got curious. He leaned forward in his seat to look at the little furball, and asked the commander a question they had all been dieing to ask.

"So, why hasn't anyone seen a cat in over thirty years? What happened?" he inquired. He was still looking at the kitten.

"I thought you'd never ask!" Sterling exclaimed. "Okay, you guys are too young to remember this, but I was twenty seven when it happened. Here's how it went...

"Back in 2020, some science group decided that it would be really cool to be like Dr. Dolittle - the guy that could talk to animals - so they started a science project that would take seven years to complete.

"At first, they just did dogs. Then they did cats. Finally, they decided to let the whole world in on it. In the last three years of the project, they constructed a satellite called the 'Cats Eye'. It was shaped... Like a cat's eye. They launched it into space and activated it.

"They thought it was perfect! They were talking to cats all over the world! Then one of their cats dropped dead. They couldn't understand it. 'What happened?' was all they could say. Then, one by one, the global cat population started to drop off. It spiraled down until it reached zero. No more cats on Earth. At all.

"And now you know. That is exactly what happened," he finished. "Oh, we're here." They had arrived at the clinic.

"Wow," Zeta Squad all said at once. They glanced down at the kitten. "Wow."

Then Miller quoted herself. "Technology - what a bummer!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Please post!!! Criticism, compliments, I DON'T CARE!!!! Just please, please, PLEASE post!!!!


Always remember: Sirloin tames monsters better than beefjerky, porkchops, and ribs.
Current song I got STUCK IN MY 'EAD: Whatever ~ Godsmack
JOIN THE ALIEN REVOLUTION!

Last edited by MrCheeseyPuff; February 8th, 2006 at 08:26 PM. Reason: Typos...
  #4    
Old February 9th, 2006, 08:26 PM
MrCheeseyPuff's Avatar
MrCheeseyPuff
Stealth CoOwner:The Ninja Club
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: In a place. With air. I hope.
Age: 22
Gender:
Nature: Quiet
.... You guys really hate me, don't you? :D Just kidding. Here's the next part of chapter one.
______________________________________________________________________________________________

As soon as they walked into her office, Doctor Sharril gasped.

"Is that a... a... kiten?!" she breathed. She sat down. "Holy... Wow..." She kept muttering.

"Sherry, we need you to run a few tests on it. Make sure there's nothing wrong. Can you do that?" Sterling politely asked.

"Of course! It's just a bit shocking..." she replied. She called in some nurses. One of them ushered the police squad out the door.

"We need peace, quiet, and privacy. Thank you," and she slammed the door. Zeta Squad decided this was the best time to mention the petition to Sterling, so they did. They explained everything to him. When they were done, he sat looking thoughtful.

"Write it up and submit it to the chief. I think you guys are right." DING! "They're done!" he exclaimed excitedly. The doctor and her nurses walked out with strange looks on their faces.

"Okay. Nothing's wrong with it. We pinpointed its age to be very close to three human years. It's a girl." (Miller and Claire exchanged joyous looks.) "And we have... weird news. She's... she's pregnant." (Everyone's jaw dropped.) "She should have four to six kittens very soon," Sherry explained. She handed the sleeping cat to Sterling. "Take good care of her."

Sterling grinned happily and looked at the newest wonder of the world. "We will. Don't worry."
______________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, this section is kinda short. But if you guys are waiting for some real action, you'll have to wait for chapter 2. Chapter one still has 3 sections to go, but to give everyone a teaser, in chapter 2 (which I've already got mostly written) the police station is raided. Lots of action, 2 deaths, an explosion and a tear in Zeta Squad's trust.


Always remember: Sirloin tames monsters better than beefjerky, porkchops, and ribs.
Current song I got STUCK IN MY 'EAD: Whatever ~ Godsmack
JOIN THE ALIEN REVOLUTION!
  #5    
Old February 13th, 2006, 10:32 AM
brockman5's Avatar
brockman5
Sprite Master..
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Gender:
Nature: Adamant
*too lazy to read through it* but based on your pm it's good
Buddys - masterman09, stefan, Erimgard, monkey 1987





Poke' Terrific Comic...come see it now....
If you need an official Beta Tester PM me...
  #6    
Old February 14th, 2006, 06:38 AM
coolcat
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Very good! 8/10 I enjoyed it all.
  #7    
Old February 15th, 2006, 06:06 AM
MrCheeseyPuff's Avatar
MrCheeseyPuff
Stealth CoOwner:The Ninja Club
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: In a place. With air. I hope.
Age: 22
Gender:
Nature: Quiet
Wow... Thanks.... As soon as I've got more time, I'll post the rest of chapter one and maybe part of chapter two.


Always remember: Sirloin tames monsters better than beefjerky, porkchops, and ribs.
Current song I got STUCK IN MY 'EAD: Whatever ~ Godsmack
JOIN THE ALIEN REVOLUTION!
  #8    
Old February 15th, 2006, 08:37 PM
MrCheeseyPuff's Avatar
MrCheeseyPuff
Stealth CoOwner:The Ninja Club
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: In a place. With air. I hope.
Age: 22
Gender:
Nature: Quiet
As I promised, here's the next section of chapter one. Thanks for posting, brockman5 and coolcat.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Everyone was arguing on the way back to the station. They all had different names they thought their new friend would like. Smith spoke first.

"We should name her 'Apoca'," he told everyone. He crossed his arms and grinned.

"'Apoca'? What the heck?" Miller asked. Everyone nodded and stared at Smith. (Except Sterling. He was driving.)

"It's short for 'apocalypse'. She is the sole survivor of the cat apocalypse!" he responded matter-of-factly. Everyone except McKain nodded. He saw an error with Smith's logic.

"No she isn't. She can't be the sole survivor of the Cats Eye. She's pregnant. Normally that requires two members of a species - one male, one female. There's got to be another cat out there somewhere," he explained. "We should name her Fluffy."

Everyone just stared at him.

"She doesn't have enough fur to be Fluffy! What's wrong with you?!" Claire responded.

It went on like this the whole way to the station. And then in the station. They finally decided to go with Claire's suggestion - Roshelle.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm gonna post the rest of chapter one too. There's not much else to go.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Miller was good at writing things by hand. The others preferred typing things up on the computer. They decided to have a little contest.

"Whoever finishes the petition first wins. The winner gets first pick of Roshelle's litter," Sterling explained. "Ready, set, GO!!" And they were off!

Miller grabbed her pen and some paper and started. The others grabbed chairs near the computer and started.

Halfway through the typing, the computer shut itself down. The typists gasped and rushed to turn it back on. Halfway through again, it shut down. Exasperated, they kept fighting with the brand-new console. After about an hour of fighting with it, Miller tapped McKain on the shoulder and held up a piece of paper. Her petition was finished. Everyone else was still fighting with the computer. Miller began to walk away, then turned and tried to help out with the computer.

She fussed with it for a while, but when it didn't turn on, she said her now-trademark phrase, "Technology - what a bummer!" and walked away.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Well, it looks like the pen is mightier than the keystroke," the Captain remarked. Everyone except Miller grumbled. She was smiling broadly. "SISGs, say your prayers!" Sterling exclaimed.

"Now all we have to do is get signatures. Me first!" yelled Miller, pen at the ready. Everyonesigned it and then stood back to admire their work.

"I'll get this to the chief A.S.A.P.," Sterling said over his shoulder. "I'm positive he'll agree," and he drove off.

Everyone looked around.

"So.... What now?" Smith asked. Everybody looked toward Miller.

"What? You expect me to do something?" she asked with a hint of sarcasm. "Batta-Bing, Batta-Bang!" and she began to imitate AOL. "You've got fun." Everyone laughed.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________

END CHAPTER ONE!!! Chapter two will be posted by random segment because I think i wrote it as one long 8 page thing with no little section separaters. So what do you guys think of it so far?


Always remember: Sirloin tames monsters better than beefjerky, porkchops, and ribs.
Current song I got STUCK IN MY 'EAD: Whatever ~ Godsmack
JOIN THE ALIEN REVOLUTION!
  #9    
Old February 16th, 2006, 06:42 PM
Gohan's Avatar
Gohan
Elite Four
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Wyoming.
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Nature: Docile
Whoa-oah! This is awesome! I love it! Some grammatic problems, and spelling errors, but conventions are very good. Overall, and eight/ten. Whooh! I can't wait to see more of this. Very promising.
  #10    
Old February 16th, 2006, 08:33 PM
MrCheeseyPuff's Avatar
MrCheeseyPuff
Stealth CoOwner:The Ninja Club
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: In a place. With air. I hope.
Age: 22
Gender:
Nature: Quiet
Wow. I didn't know people would like it that much. Thanks guys. Here's chapter two as promised.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
002: Under Attack

"Connect Four, anyone?" McKain stood holding a little blue box. He had always loved that game.

"Connect Four? Do you realize just how old that game is?" Claire remarked. She had always hated that game.

"Oh... It never gets old!" McKain replied. "Anyone want to play?" He was excruciatingly bored.

"Smith raised his hand and walked over to the table.

"How does it work?" he inquired as McKain set everything up. "Isn't the computer supposed to do that?" He was very confused.

No. No the computer doesn't set it up," McKain just stared at Smith. "In fact, this game doesn't even have a computer." - A gasp from Smith. - "Haven't you ever played this before?" McKain asked. He was struggling to connect the legs while still staring at Smith.

"No, never. Why?" he replied in a confused way.

McKain sighed and explained the rules to Smith, who nodded his head thoughtfully. He then beat McKain very bad. Then he did it again. And again. And again.

Finally, McKain thought he knew how to win.

"Wanna make a bet?" he asked Smith just before putting his first checker in. Smith looked up at him.

"Sure. What's the bet?" he replied after a moment. Intrigue gnawing at him, he stared analytically at McKain's face. McKain, who was excellent at poker, put on his best poker face and stared back.

"How about..." and he looked around. "How about bragging rights and... fifty bucks?" he suggested, now grinning.

"Fifty? I think that's a bit low, don't you? How's one-hundred fifty sound?" Smith replied. He had a habit of upping the ante.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I post more tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who reads this and posts on it.


Always remember: Sirloin tames monsters better than beefjerky, porkchops, and ribs.
Current song I got STUCK IN MY 'EAD: Whatever ~ Godsmack
JOIN THE ALIEN REVOLUTION!
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