[Pokémon] The adventures of Chu

MeerFall · Mar 7, 2011

ok first it is rated T in Literature Ratings
so there will be mild swear words and all pokemon contains vilence (mind my language)

I would like to thanks my english teacher for helping me with tense and other english stuff. Also nintendo and game freak for making me freakishly a pokemon fan! also those who support me! (plus google,microsoft and my buzy mind for making it possible and help with spelling)

My story is about a new type of pokemon. if you read it please even if you just read a chaptor could you do a reveiw because based on it will determine if the next chaptor is publised or not.

oh and in my album called 'stuff' the cover is there but if you could do a better cover or some fan art i'll be happy to put the website here for others to check out!

thats enougth of me talking a lot, here is the first chaptor 'The journey begins'!'

The adventures of Chu: the journey begins!

Welcome to a story about a Pokémon warrior's success. Pokémon warriors are humans that use a warrior pokéball. Inside they are blasted with every element to unleash their inner Pokémon. They can switch between half Pokémon and half human, to a full Pokémon body. There is a catch though, only certain humans can become a Pokémon warrior, those who have a strong inner Pokémon. I, Abra am one of them. I was attacked many years ago and it left me unable to control my legs. However I became the guardian of the warrior hut that was passed to me. Every day I sit here watching the normal, shiny, legendary or none go on to have a happy life, but this time I will witness the muti warrior rise to the challenge of Pokémon warrior champion.

*RING**RING*

*RING**RING*

"Mmmm mom get the phone" mumbled a girl with blond hair and clothes a bit too small for her.

"Alright but you got to come down for your breakfast" said a small Pichu wearing a jogging suit before she climbed along the branch to another hollow tree.

[That's my mum. She is a warrior athlete, so she runs around the forest trying to win; she also gets up at dawn to practise. She feeds me apples morning, day, night and midnight. She hardly leaves me alone to enjoy my stash of candy bars. She also wants me to 'grow big and strong', which entirely I doubt would ever happen.]

She kneeled with her head almost reaching the ceiling; she looked down at the straw bed with a mattress underneath it.

[My dad found me that mattress when I was three. My dad is a warrior wrestler, or in other words he tries to push another fat guy out of the ring. He is a third fatter then a normal Raichu, which takes a toll on any tree's branch.]

The branch squeak as a fat Raichu in a vest runs across.

"The phone is for you and your mum says to come down for breakfast or she come up here and gives ya a zap" puffed the oversized Raichu.

"Thanks dad ok you go first" said the girl. The oversized Raichu ran across the branch as it sank towards the ground, he jumped near the end and landed inside the other hollow tree. The girl started to crawl along the branch and it started to sink.

"Hurry up it about to snap!" shouted the Raichu. The girl started to stand getting ready to jump. She gave a big leap with the Raichu wrapping his tail around her wrist; she dangled from the Raichu's tail.

"This used to be easier when you were smaller" squeaked the Raichu;

"Shut up and start pulling!" shouted the girl. Eventually the Raichu was able to pull her up into the hollow tree.

[This is the 'storage' tree, where my mum puts all the apples she picks, which can feed a whole army of pichus! There is also the only phone in the forest, which my dad worked out how to work after three attempts.]

The Raichu picked it up like it was treasure and handed it to his daughter. The girl took it from his thick chubby paws and leant it against her ear.

"Hello" she said to the phone.

"Hello I just like to tell you that you been accepted to become a Pokémon warrior and to come down to the hut. See you soon" As the girl hang up she began to smile.

"Yes!" she shouted while punching the roof, "ow".

"Be careful, what is with all this shouting!" cried the Pichu.

"Mom, dad, I can be a Pokémon warrior!" shouted the girl. The Pichu gave a big long blink, but the Raichu shouted

"Hooray finally you can start your journey to become a champion!". Meanwhile the Pichu started packing her rucksack full of apples,

"Oh you can't even forage to eat, yet you are going on a journey, you can't even make a bed" mumbled the Pichu. The Raichu looked at this panicked Pichu and gave a big sigh.

"Honey she is going to be fine, she will develop the skills on her journey" Raichu whispered to the Pichu, "I though she can be a bit pathetic but don't you worry, if she has any problems she will ring us". The Pichu looked at her adored husband and whispered into his ear

"she doesn't know the number". The Raichu flinched a bit before whispering into her ear

"I will tell her the number". The Pichu looked slightly upset, before she started to cry.

"I don't want my baby leaving me, who will I talk to when you have gone to your tournament"

"honey" sighed the Raichu, "you have 10 neighbours". The Pichu gave a big sigh and gave up then argument, but did not stop packing apple until she stuffed a few Pichu sized clothes in and finally passed the rucksack to her daughter. Raichu gave a smile and a wave to his daughter; Pichu did the same but was still upset. The girl climbed down the tree, when at the bottom she waved them goodbye and ran towards the warrior hut.

Preview

Damn what the hell was that! What do they want with me? What did they call me? Is that Thunder?

If you wish to appear in my story please PM me! And ONLY PM me!

TJgamer · Mar 13, 2011

This is a cute story!
I really like the concept so far.

There are a few grammar and spelling errors, but those can be fixed easily.
It's interesting how sometimes the main character talks to the audience at certain points to let us know what's going on. It's just so charming.

It's a little hard for me to review more. So I'll wait until more chapters arrive.

MeerFall · Mar 15, 2011

TJgamer said:
This is a cute story!
I really like the concept so far.

There are a few grammar and spelling errors, but those can be fixed easily.
It's interesting how sometimes the main character talks to the audience at certain points to let us know what's going on. It's just so charming.

It's a little hard for me to review more. So I'll wait until more chapters arrive.

thanks you that can really help

also i like to thank bobandbill

for making it better for everone

please enjoy and the next chaptor will be out once my computer is fixed!

MeerFall · Apr 5, 2011

here is the next chaptor sorry that it was a bit held up but alot has been going on lately e.g. 3ds, mothers day, sickness. please i am looking for another main charactor so it would be nice if you can contribute to the story thanks you and remember PM ME YOUR IDEAS or i will not use them no matter how good they are.

enjoy!

Chapter 2

The girl walked straight until she reached a huge straw hut, with no door. She stepped inside the hut to find an Abra sitting on a wooden chair.

"Ah you come to become a Pokémon warrior?" asked the motionless Abra.

"Eh yeah" replied the girl. The Abra picked up a ball the top half was blue and had a yellow 'W' on it.

"Are you ready?" asked the Abra,

"Yeah!" she shouted confidently. He throws the ball and shouted at the top of his voice,

"Go, warrior ball!" As the ball hit her on the head, she turned into a white light and disappeared into the ball. Abra held his breath as the ball shook wildly, before stopping. Abra released his breath, before teleporting to a spot near the ball.

"Here let me take care of that legless" said a dark low voice, as it snatched the pokéball out of Abra's reach. The Abra looked up to find a tall teenage boy; he wore dark army pants and a necklace with a skull on it. He showed his bare chest. His hair was as black as coal, and out of it were long white horns.

"y-you" muttered Abra, "the ball didn't accept you".

"Duh" laughed the Houndoom, "turns out you were wrong". The Houndoom gave a mighty laugh and turned to leave,

"What did they do to you?" asked the Abra.

"They gave me the dream you couldn't!" shouted the Houndoom, As the Abra teleported on his shoulders, and wrestled his arms. The ball was flown backwards outside onto the grass and released the Pokémon inside.

It was strange what I saw, I swear I thought it was a Pichu, But I was wrong! Instead of the pink cheeks that Pichu use to store their electricity, they were red just like a Pikachu's. The tail was replaced with a Raichu's tail! Thought abra

"Run Pichu!" shouted the Abra, "Don't forget the pokéball!"

"You will not escape from me Chu!" Shouted the Houndoom. The small Pokémon picked up the pokéball she has just emerged from, and ran as fast as she could towards the distant city, where a storm hovers ahead.

Damn what the hell was that! What do they want with me? What did they call me? Is that Thunder? Thought the muti-warrior.
The thunder gave a mighty roar.

Damn it, stay focus! I need to get to next town as soon as possible! Where the heck am I even going? Thought the muti-warrior.

The Strange muti-warrior stopped to rest, looking at it pokéball.

The pokéball is so cool; someday my pokéball will be placed in the champion's mansion.

"ZAPDOS!" Screeched a strange Pokémon.

OMG that is Zapdos, the legendary bird Pokémon, best day of my life! thought the muti-warrior.

"Hello Zapdos!"The Pokémon Warrior shouted waving at the legendary Pokémon. Zapdos wore an odd eye patch, and with a screech it let out a thunder bolt aimed at the Pokémon warrior. The Pokémon warrior clasped at it strength, but did not faint.

Huh Hey how dare he thunder bolt me well I will show him! thought the muti-warrior.

The Pichu-looking thing stood up and eyed the Zapdos and gave a big welling cry. "CHU!" It turned into a ball of electricity and releases a hyper beam! The Zapdos was shocked in the situation and flew away, while the Pokémon warrior collapses.

Preview

"Welcome to Arrowwood!" said a strange person.

Hey I like to thank Random Word plus for the name of town real big help! If you wish to appear in my story please PM! Also Thank gods for widows spell check and Google even if you don't get what you want sometimes.

miley810 · Apr 5, 2011

Great story!Love the consept!Why exactly does Zapdos wear a eye patch? 0.0

MeerFall · Apr 5, 2011

miley810 said:
Great story!Love the consept!Why exactly does Zapdos wear a eye patch? 0.0

you would just have to wait and see!

ShaQuL · Apr 5, 2011

That is so good! I really like how Abra moved :) And I like how you used the Pokemon Fusion that you requested in my shop :D

MeerFall · Apr 5, 2011

ShaQuL said:
That is so good! I really like how Abra moved :) And I like how you used the Pokemon Fusion that you requested in my shop :D

XD i have always imagened this pokemon

Astinus · Apr 6, 2011

I've had this review sitting on my computer for a while, but didn't get to post it until you updated. So this is only going to be for the first chapter. I'll post this now and then read/review the next chapter when I'm not busy/tired.

You'll still want to change the size of the font. It's too small to be read comfortably. Or, on looking at what tags you use, remove the font tags so that the font is the default of the forums. That way you won't have to play around with the size tags.

And now, for grammar.

Pokémon warriors are humans that use a warrior pokéball.

If you're going to capitalize "Pokemon", then you should capitalize everything that goes along with it. Like "Poke Ball".

They can switch between half Pokémon and half human

"half-Pokemon and half-human"

I, Abra am one of them.

Missing a comma after "Abra".

Every day I sit here watching the normal, shiny, legendary or none

"None"? What does that mean?

*RING**RING*

*RING**RING*

Instead of writing out the phone's ringing, just say "The phone rang".

"Mmmm... Mom get the phone," mumbled a girl with blond hair and clothes a bit too small for her.

When used in place of the name, "Mom" is capitalized. If you can replace "Mom" with the name of the character and the sentence still makes sense, then capitalize it. If not, then it's lower-cased.

You also missed the ending punctuation for the dialogue, which is a comma in this case, since you have a dialogue tag.

"Alright but you got to come down for your breakfast," said a small Pichu wearing a jogging suit before she climbed along the branch to another hollow tree.

Same thing here. You need a comma after "breakfast".

Since this is a repeated mistake, I'll stop pointing them out. I'm sure you can fix this on your own.

She kneeled with her head almost reaching the ceiling; she looked down at the straw bed with a mattress underneath it.

You'll want to word this sentence so that it's clear which "she" you're talking about. You went from talking about the mother to talking about the girl, and you'll just want to note that it's the girl we're following now.

He is a third fatter then a normal Raichu,

Maybe "three-times fatter"? A third fatter doesn't make much sense to me.

The branch squeak as a fat Raichu in a vest runs across.

"squeaked"

The oversized Raichu ran across the branch as it sank towards the ground, he jumped near the end and landed inside the other hollow tree.

This should actually be two separate sentences. Turn the comma after "ground" into a full stop, and capitalize "he".

"Hurry up it about to snap!"

It sounds better to have "hurry up" as its own sentence, with an exclamation point after it. Also "it" should be "it's" so the sentence flows better.

"This used to be easier when you were smaller" squeaked the Raichu;

That semi-colon should be a full stop.

The girl took it from his thick chubby paws and leant it against her ear.

"leaned"

As the girl hang up she began to smile.

"hung"

"Oh you can't even forage to eat, yet you are going on a journey, you can't even make a bed" mumbled the Pichu.

"You can't even make a bed" should be its own sentence, with a full stop after journey and a capital Y. Also, you're missing the punctuation after "bed", which would be a comma in this case. You do this quite often in your story, which is why I didn't point out every instance.

"she doesn't know the number".

Missed capitalizing the "she" here.

"honey" sighed the Raichu, "you have 10 neighbours"

Missed capitalizing "honey" here, and I would also suggest writing out the word "ten".

but did not stop packing apple until she stuffed a few Pichu sized clothes

It should be "apples" and "Pichu-sized" should be hyphenated like that.

That's all I'm going to point out for specifics on grammar. In general, I'll say that this needs a lot of clean-up. As I pointed out, you have a lot of missing punctuation, capitalization, and verb disagreements. The best thing to do would be to get a beta reader to go over this with you, so that your mistakes can be fixed and also pointed out to you before you post it.

As for the story itself, it is cute. The parents' worry about their daughter entering the world when they all know she's not ready was fun to read. You do need some more information about how the world works to not lose readers. Like your introductory paragraph was rather confusing as I tried to understand just what a Pokémon warrior was. Also, there could be some more explanation as to the world the characters are living in, with specifics like how does a telephone work in their world? They would need some way of powering it. Little details like this add up to create a world real enough for your readers to "live in".

Really all I can say on this chapter. There wasn't much characterization for me to write about, so I focused mainly on the grammar. If that gets cleaned up, then the story will be easier for others to read.

Hope this helps.

MeerFall · Apr 6, 2011

Astinus said:
I've had this review sitting on my computer for a while, but didn't get to post it until you updated. So this is only going to be for the first chapter. I'll post this now and then read/review the next chapter when I'm not busy/tired.

thank you for reading it! it would of been helpful if you did it before i updated so then i could improve my second chaptor but its better than not getting a review at all!

You'll still want to change the size of the font. It's too small to be read comfortably. Or, on looking at what tags you use, remove the font tags so that the font is the default of the forums. That way you won't have to play around with the size tags.

i agree about the font being too small but i am confused about this tag thing but i shall default it before changing the size

And now, for grammar.

If you're going to capitalize "Pokemon", then you should capitalize everything that goes along with it. Like "Poke Ball".

Hmmm i can tell you the problem is that word (microsoft) capitlizes it for me but i shall change that

"half-Pokemon and half-human"

damn me i didn't know whenever to put that in or not and i choose the wrong path!

Missing a comma after "Abra".

my teacher disagrees

"None"? What does that mean?

who failed to become a pokemon warrior

Instead of writing out the phone's ringing, just say "The phone rang".

i thought it gave a more adventuous feeling to it

When used in place of the name, "Mom" is capitalized. If you can replace "Mom" with the name of the character and the sentence still makes sense, then capitalize it. If not, then it's lower-cased.

ok

You also missed the ending punctuation for the dialogue, which is a comma in this case, since you have a dialogue tag.

DAMN!!! sorry XC

Same thing here. You need a comma after "breakfast".

teacher disagrees

Since this is a repeated mistake, I'll stop pointing them out. I'm sure you can fix this on your own.

i probley won't spot them XC but i shall get my teacher to try

You'll want to word this sentence so that it's clear which "she" you're talking about. You went from talking about the mother to talking about the girl, and you'll just want to note that it's the girl we're following now.

if it was the mom i would of said 'the mom' or something like that

Maybe "three-times fatter"? A third fatter doesn't make much sense to me.

'to me' :l to you but if it was three times fatter it would just be a ball of lard! a thrid means a third of a raichus weight added on!

"squeaked"

its preasent tense not past

This should actually be two separate sentences. Turn the comma after "ground" into a full stop, and capitalize "he".

my teacher disagrees

It sounds better to have "hurry up" as its own sentence, with an exclamation point after it. Also "it" should be "it's" so the sentence flows better.

see above

That semi-colon should be a full stop.

nope

"leaned"

not present tense

"hung"

not present tense

"You can't even make a bed" should be its own sentence, with a full stop after journey and a capital Y. Also, you're missing the punctuation after "bed", which would be a comma in this case. You do this quite often in your story, which is why I didn't point out every instance.

yeah you said before

Missed capitalizing the "she" here.

damn

Missed capitalizing "honey" here, and I would also suggest writing out the word "ten".

Double damn! also i shall change the 'ten' part

It should be "apples" and "Pichu-sized" should be hyphenated like that.

... ok thanks (Triple damn)

That's all I'm going to point out for specifics on grammar. In general, I'll say that this needs a lot of clean-up. As I pointed out, you have a lot of missing punctuation, capitalization, and verb disagreements. The best thing to do would be to get a beta reader to go over this with you, so that your mistakes can be fixed and also pointed out to you before you post it.

i have a beta reader called 'teacher' that is why i disagreed with some putuation.

As for the story itself, it is cute. The parents' worry about their daughter entering the world when they all know she's not ready was fun to read. You do need some more information about how the world works to not lose readers. Like your introductory paragraph was rather confusing as I tried to understand just what a Pokémon warrior was. Also, there could be some more explanation as to the world the characters are living in, with specifics like how does a telephone work in their world? They would need some way of powering it. Little details like this add up to create a world real enough for your readers to "live in".

yeah it is a little cute. the information comes on better as the main chacator will learn along the way of the life of a pokemon warrior but i would promise you that more information will be in chaptor 3. and the telephone bit will be explained in chaptor 3.

Really all I can say on this chapter. There wasn't much characterization for me to write about, so I focused mainly on the grammar. If that gets cleaned up, then the story will be easier for others to read.

thank you very much as this is one of the best reviews i have had so far! although i disagree with you on most points i enjoy reading your review. although i do not need a beta reader.

Hope this helps.

of corsed this helped!

if anyone does not understand something like how the telephone worked please tell me which part and why and i'll try to explain in the next oncoming chaptor

JX Valentine · Apr 6, 2011

I'd hate to butt in, but I can verify that your teacher is incorrect. Either he or she isn't spotting all of your errors, or she's just human. I would suggest actually finding a beta reader you don't know because in my experience, many teachers you have in school will be less inclined to be thorough than some of the beta readers you find online. It tends to depend on your local educational system, it seems; mine was particularly thorough -- and as a result, I know a lot of rules that a number of people aren't aware even exist -- whereas I've seen people who are actually from England put out barely readable fics with the impression that that's how they were supposed to write.

That being said, here's the reasoning behind what Astinus said:

1. The comma after Abra is needed because there's a comma before Abra. Therefore, you're starting a parenthetical, a piece of a sentence that doesn't necessarily have to be there for the entire thing to make sense. (As in, take out the word "Abra." Notice how you have a complete sentence that way?) You open up the parenthetical, but you don't close it. It's a lot like using parentheses on one side but not the other. (In other words, doing something like this.

2. Every line of dialogue (what characters say) needs a comma, an exclamation point, or a question mark, depending on what the sentence is and where the dialogue tag (he said/she said) falls. This is because the comma frequently stands in for a period, much in the same way an apostrophe might represent missing letters in a contraction (like can't). In other words, not having a comma is a lot like not ending any other sentence with a period.

Comma rules with dialogue are a bit complicated, but the best guide I've seen is actually the one you can find out About.com. I'd suggest reading over that little link I just dropped to teach yourself how to do it. (Sometimes, it's better to look things up and teach yourself because in some cases, you just won't get to learn these things in school. See my earlier note about local educational systems.)

3. Astinus pointed out the fact that "squeak" needs to be conjugated (either put in present tense or past tense in a way that agrees with the subject). You see, "squeak" is a plural verb, meaning it only applies if more than one thing squeaks. You need a singular verb to show that only one thing is squeaking.

However, even then, that sentence shouldn't be in present tense anyway because the rest of the narration (the part outside of dialogue and the character's explanation as to who these others are) is in past tense. Notice how in the very next line, you use "puffed" instead of "puffs" and how in the line just before it (before the italicized part), you use "looked"? That's how you know what tense you should be using.

Hope this helps you understand her reasoning a bit better, but yes. I'd suggest getting someone other than your friends or people you know in real life (unless one of them is specifically an editor) to proofread your stories instead. It sounds like your teacher is either rather biased because I can't imagine why an educator of any kind who's trained in English would be making these kinds of mistakes too. No offense intended towards your teacher, but... yeah, I really don't know there.

MeerFall · Apr 9, 2011

JX Valentine said:
I'd hate to butt in, but I can verify that your teacher is incorrect. Either he or she isn't spotting all of your errors, or she's just human. I would suggest actually finding a beta reader you don't know because in my experience, many teachers you have in school will be less inclined to be thorough than some of the beta readers you find online. It tends to depend on your local educational system, it seems; mine was particularly thorough -- and as a result, I know a lot of rules that a number of people aren't aware even exist -- whereas I've seen people who are actually from England put out barely readable fics with the impression that that's how they were supposed to write.

That being said, here's the reasoning behind what Astinus said:

1. The comma after Abra is needed because there's a comma before Abra. Therefore, you're starting a parenthetical, a piece of a sentence that doesn't necessarily have to be there for the entire thing to make sense. (As in, take out the word "Abra." Notice how you have a complete sentence that way?) You open up the parenthetical, but you don't close it. It's a lot like using parentheses on one side but not the other. (In other words, doing something like this.

2. Every line of dialogue (what characters say) needs a comma, an exclamation point, or a question mark, depending on what the sentence is and where the dialogue tag (he said/she said) falls. This is because the comma frequently stands in for a period, much in the same way an apostrophe might represent missing letters in a contraction (like can't). In other words, not having a comma is a lot like not ending any other sentence with a period.

Comma rules with dialogue are a bit complicated, but the best guide I've seen is actually the one you can find out About.com. I'd suggest reading over that little link I just dropped to teach yourself how to do it. (Sometimes, it's better to look things up and teach yourself because in some cases, you just won't get to learn these things in school. See my earlier note about local educational systems.)

3. Astinus pointed out the fact that "squeak" needs to be conjugated (either put in present tense or past tense in a way that agrees with the subject). You see, "squeak" is a plural verb, meaning it only applies if more than one thing squeaks. You need a singular verb to show that only one thing is squeaking.

However, even then, that sentence shouldn't be in present tense anyway because the rest of the narration (the part outside of dialogue and the character's explanation as to who these others are) is in past tense. Notice how in the very next line, you use "puffed" instead of "puffs" and how in the line just before it (before the italicized part), you use "looked"? That's how you know what tense you should be using.

Hope this helps you understand her reasoning a bit better, but yes. I'd suggest getting someone other than your friends or people you know in real life (unless one of them is specifically an editor) to proofread your stories instead. It sounds like your teacher is either rather biased because I can't imagine why an educator of any kind who's trained in English would be making these kinds of mistakes too. No offense intended towards your teacher, but... yeah, I really don't know there.

look i'm sorry JX but i'll check with her when i go back to school (as i am on holidays) but i won't promise anything ok?

JX Valentine · Apr 9, 2011

Meerfall, I hope you realize that we're (Astinus and I) trying to help you. :/ That being said, I would recommend also searching on Google for comma rules. There's a lot of guides out there that will be able to give you tips and examples.

That being said, you can check with your teacher if you'd like, but show her also the guide I gave you in my last post, just to see what she says about it.

[Pokémon] The adventures of Chu

More options

MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

TJgamer

A Pokémon Poet

MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

miley810

Assassin

MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

ShaQuL

ShaQuL

MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

Astinus

MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

MeerFall

Strong, Competitive, Cool!

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord