[PKMN FULL] Hoenn: Make a Wish [T] [OOC]

[JukeboxTheGhoul]

Sydan, It's a bit hard to read whose who, I suggest pressing enter whenever you finish a dialog line/sentence

 

[Shak]

Sydan, It's a bit hard to read whose who, I suggest pressing enter whenever you finish a dialog line/sentence

I'm confused~_~, I'm not really sure what you mean by that...
If there's a new speaker I start a new paragraph.
If the speaker is the same I continue it in the same paragraph.
If I have a character say something, I put the way they say it either before of after.
And if someone persons an action that could be misconceived as speech in response to someone else's speech then I put 'in response to'

If there are still any parts in particular that have you confused then post them here, so I know what I'm fixing...

 

[FenikkusuKasai]

I think it was this paragraph specifically.

"Wait!" She yelped reluctantly. She seemed to instantly rue her decision "Thank you." Sydan nodded, before continuing to walk away. "I need to ask you a favour. You see, I need to get to slateport and Littleroot but the route is dangerous..." Sydan chuckled at the irony of her situation

The bolded sections adjacent to the lines of dialogue makes it difficult to identify who spoke said lines of dialogue. Of course, you don't have to specify who spoke them and how, but it's easier to understand your own writing than someone else's. It's not so much continuity as it is clarity.

And if we're debating grammar, I think this is how it should have been written.

"Wait!" she yelped reluctantly. She seemed to instantly rue her decision. "Thank you," she said meekly.

Sydan nodded, before continuing to walk away. "I need to ask you a favour." she added. "You see, I need to get to Slateport and Littleroot but the route is dangerous." Her voice seemed to trail off in embarrassed uncertainty.

Sydan chuckled at the irony of her situation.

The added bits just add clarity (though they're not supposed to be accurate phrases; it's just how I interpreted the piece).

 

[Shak]

I think it was this paragraph specifically.
The bolded sections adjacent to the lines of dialogue makes it difficult to identify who spoke said lines of dialogue. Of course, you don't have to specify who spoke them and how, but it's easier to understand your own writing than someone else's. It's not so much continuity as it is clarity.

And if we're debating grammar, I think this is how it should have been written.
The added bits just add clarity (though they're not supposed to be accurate phrases; it's just how I interpreted the piece).

Ah, okay. I'll make those edits. Re-reading that, I still wouldn't have understood where the confusion was.
I kept the changes you suggested, I saw no need to stray from the examples you gave me

 

[FenikkusuKasai]

No, you don't have to edit it. That was just nit-picking. It's probably just something to keep in mind in the future.
I wasn't trying to be critical and I didn't want to portray that I wanted you to edit that part of your post.

The part that should be amended is that Oldale's PokeStation seemed to be the only one destroyed in the region. ;)
I'd rather stress continuity with the story rather than dialogue.
And just so you know, even though I had minimal trouble understanding that passage, I still understood it due to context. So, again, there's no need to change it.

 

[Shak]

No, you don't have to edit it. That was just nit-picking. It's probably just something to keep in mind in the future.
I wasn't trying to be critical and I didn't want to portray that I wanted you to edit that part of your post.

The part that should be amended is that Oldale's PokeStation seemed to be the only one destroyed in the region. ;)
I'd rather stress continuity with the story rather than dialogue.
And just so you know, even though I had minimal trouble understanding that passage, I still understood it due to context. So, again, there's no need to change it.

For the time being I'll leave the Odale station post how it is. Since Forrest was the only one noted to be harmed, it would make sense that be the first one the officer discovered about. In my second post I'll acknowledge that more were destroyed. In other words, Sydan, The officer and the yet to be named daughter of Devon Corp are still uninformed that this was a mass occurrence.

 

[FenikkusuKasai]

Okay :)

 

[Shak]

Charred arm, Huntail & Gorebyss, Fennik reserves Pisces, hmmmm...It all adds up, huh:P. Just worked it out {XD}

 

[FenikkusuKasai]

Sorry for still having no intro post, I'm waiting for Aquataris to fully build his character.
We shall be creating a joint post probably, so expect that I guess..
Until then, hi.

Sounds good :)

Charred arm, Huntail & Gorebyss, Fennik reserves Pisces, hmmmm...It all adds up, huh:P. Just worked it out {XD}

I don't know what you're talking about. xP

 

[Shak]

I don't know what you're talking about. xP

Hmmm...I believe you{XD}>_>

 

[JukeboxTheGhoul]

Posted, by the way Sydan, I noticed your on our route, Perhaps next post we could JP together? (Churaka, me, and you)

 

[Shak]

Posted, by the way Sydan, I noticed your on our route, Perhaps next post we could JP together? (Churaka, me, and you)

Sure thing. Sydan has to head back to Mauville before heading down to slateport, so I dont see why he cant runt in to you two along the way.

 

[JukeboxTheGhoul]

The two are going to Verdanturf, so you'd have to run in to them from a place (on the route) closer to verdanturf than they are, because that is their direction of travel

 

[Shak]

The two are going to Verdanturf, so you'd have to run in to them from a place (on the route) closer to verdanturf than they are, because that is their direction of travel

I'm sure we can work something out...

On another note, I'm thinking of Abigail for the name for the girl, what d'you guys think?

 

[FenikkusuKasai]

Chakura/Aquataris:
Just a quick question: where did you learn to write in present tense for RPing? It's unusual to me. And it's often best to stick to a tense instead of going back and forth for the reader.
As for the post:
If you noticed the Map Notes when I mentioned I had edited them, you would have noted that there is no Gym in Mauville City but, rather, New Mauville.
There are no PokeMarts. Again, in the OP, under Noteable Technologies, PokeStations have replaced Pokemon Centers and PokeMarts.

General critique (don't take it personally): The dialogue seemed very formal (mechanical) and I could tell you were both too considerate of the other RPer/character. I find it best to consider the character first (mannerisms, attitudes, etc.) rather than the RPer or even the other character. Consider their experience and if they would assume ignorance of another's actions. Consider their personality and if they would even care about the other trainer's ignorance. It read as if you were speaking RPer to RPer, rather than character to character, which is inherently uninteresting.
Please to take offense to this and I'm not suggesting to make changes.

 

[FenikkusuKasai]

And to everyone:
Even though this is just the first post, make sure you are aware of the canon in the OP as well as what's been mentioned in the IC. I don't want to be holding everyone's hand through every post. If it continues, I will have to consider removing your from the RP (after warning, of course). But I don't want it to come to that. So I just suggest that you are caught up with the canon and refer back to the OP and the IC posts as you write. It's not too difficult to manage multiple tabs at once.

But I will absolutely take responsibility for items not mentioned. But when I post that I've updated the OP, it's best to glance through it.

 

[FenikkusuKasai]

For Aquataris/Autumn:
You didn't need to copy/paste my move set suggestion. That disclaimer of "(if you want her to be supportive)" should have been removed because that was for you to determine if that was what you indeed wanted for the character. I'm not here to be a tyrant and micromanage and tell you every little thing you need to do and have and incorporate into your character. I want us to all feel as equals here.

Sorry for the barrage of posts.

 

[Shak]

And to everyone:
Even though this is just the first post, make sure you are aware of the canon in the OP as well as what's been mentioned in the IC. I don't want to be holding everyone's hand through every post. If it continues, I will have to consider removing your from the RP (after warning, of course). But I don't want it to come to that. So I just suggest that you are caught up with the canon and refer back to the OP and the IC posts as you write. It's not too difficult to manage multiple tabs at once.

But I will absolutely take responsibility for items not mentioned. But when I post that I've updated the OP, it's best to glance through it.

Okay, I understand now, I've looked back and noticed a lot of changes that I didn't know were there.
And with more knowledge comes more questions...
First the names after the locations, I assume are the person who suggested/mentioned them if so my name follows a few I don't remember mentioning which confuses me.
(Dewford Marina? Coordinators Auditorium?) I have no issues, its just a question.
Sydan's dad has already left for space on the rocket in Mosdeep's space station(Just something I thought I'd clarify now...

 

[Cayo]

Hey, is capturing and evolving our pokemon at our own discretion? Or is it entirely up to us? (as long as it's reasonable and at a good pace)

 

[JukeboxTheGhoul]

Chakura/Aquataris:
Just a quick question: where did you learn to write in present tense for RPing? It's unusual to me. And it's often best to stick to a tense instead of going back and forth for the reader.
As for the post:
If you noticed the Map Notes when I mentioned I had edited them, you would have noted that there is no Gym in Mauville City but, rather, New Mauville.
There are no PokeMarts. Again, in the OP, under Noteable Technologies, PokeStations have replaced Pokemon Centers and PokeMarts.

General critique (don't take it personally): The dialogue seemed very formal (mechanical) and I could tell you were both too considerate of the other RPer/character. I find it best to consider the character first (mannerisms, attitudes, etc.) rather than the RPer or even the other character. Consider their experience and if they would assume ignorance of another's actions. Consider their personality and if they would even care about the other trainer's ignorance. It read as if you were speaking RPer to RPer, rather than character to character, which is inherently uninteresting.
Please to take offense to this and I'm not suggesting to make changes.

And to everyone:
Even though this is just the first post, make sure you are aware of the canon in the OP as well as what's been mentioned in the IC. I don't want to be holding everyone's hand through every post. If it continues, I will have to consider removing your from the RP (after warning, of course). But I don't want it to come to that. So I just suggest that you are caught up with the canon and refer back to the OP and the IC posts as you write. It's not too difficult to manage multiple tabs at once.

But I will absolutely take responsibility for items not mentioned. But when I post that I've updated the OP, it's best to glance through it.

For Aquataris/Autumn:
You didn't need to copy/paste my move set suggestion. That disclaimer of "(if you want her to be supportive)" should have been removed because that was for you to determine if that was what you indeed wanted for the character. I'm not here to be a tyrant and micromanage and tell you every little thing you need to do and have and incorporate into your character. I want us to all feel as equals here.

Sorry for the barrage of posts.

I don't really understand what you mean when you say the dialogue is too formal, can you please elaborate?
I had a lapse of concentration when I said about the PokeMart, but we need some kind of super market as this isn't a Trainer Essiential they need. It could still be called Poké something. She's looking for a bag to carry the egg in. She dislikes using artificial heaters/incubators. How do you exactly make a first person joint post it's present tense because Churaka was writing in present tense. It may be formal when she says "Miss" but for god's - Sorry, I mean they just met, how are they meant to be chummy already.

Please elaborate in general.