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Hmm... I'm a fast reader so I can tell you of the bat it's not a bad start. There's a fair amount you need to improve on (which I will show in the PM ^-^) but for a beginning to a fic it has potential.
Roleplaying on PC is pretty fun. I bet you'll like it a lot. Fanfics... I used to do that on PC but I try not to nowadays. I'm too slow at it for forum posting.