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  • Well, to tell you the truth, I've looked at pretty much every story on the first page, and I haven't seen one of them do it. I don't remember them doing it way back when I first joined either. *shrug* These days, people use the horizontal line tool, and back when I joined, it was pretty much anything went. (Yeah, some people used the _-_-_ method -- which, really, is actually more common than =+=+= or even AAAAA, neither of which I can recall seeing -- but for the most part, people used whatever characters they could in order to show a scene break. Either way, I certainly wouldn't say a lot of them do that, especially not now thanks to the HR tool.) But hey, I'm interested, so could you link me to some examples?

    In any case, to be honest, so long as it's clear that it's a scene break, you could use whatever characters you want. (I'm just saying it's not exactly common to do it the way you did.) The problem lies in the fact that you switch scenes so often, leaving little blips of scenes in between. Usually, that means you're not spending enough time on a single scene, particularly if all you've got before the next scene change is about four lines. It's best to consolidate your scenes -- combine them and only use the scene break in the cases where it's a full break. You know, like a complete jump in time or setting. So, for example, something like this:


    ...Should not have a scene break. You're just having your character move smoothly from one place to another. If you were cutting from the orphanage to someplace across town, that'd call for a scene break.

    Also, random POV switches in the middle of the chapter tend to be jarring simply because we're not given time to focus on any one character. Considering the facts that Purple's part is literally only four lines long and that the majority of the story is in Pink's point of view, it might be better to simply tell the whole story from her viewpoint. It also prevents Purple from being a stereotypical villain by having her seen from Pink's eyes only, so the fact that she's a ***** (pardon the French) comes as a complete surprise later.

    In other words, it's not so much the characters as it is how often they're popping up. Other than that, don't worry about your mistakes. As I've said, it seems like you're new at this, so it's a learning experience.
    I can offer a longer review to your story when I have more time; I just wanted to stop by and say something about the scene break thing you were doing:


    If you mean Fanfiction.net... they don't. O_o I've been there for awhile, and I can't really recall anyone who did that, even before FFNet added the ability to do line breaks (which appear as gray lines).

    Even then, those kinds of things are usually scene breaks. To do it between individual lines of a description (the part where you were describing Pink's background and the way she looks, for example) tends to be a bit jarring.

    Of course, don't let this discourage you. This is actually why I'm sending this to you via VM and not actually in the thread (other than because it's a bit off-topic and because I can't post a full review right now). It's an early try, from what I can see, so you're still figuring out how to format things.
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