I couldn't do it. I'll take the zero, it's -1% in the long run. I'm completely out of juice, sentences don't make sense anymore. I'm really worried about what this will do to my reputation - I need to show him that I can do good work. So I'm going to cut my losses here, and spend 8 hours working on my essay outline tomorrow, which is 15%. At the end of the day, I'm taking the course so I can contribute that project. I'll tell him I didn't come up with anything good enough to send him if he asks.
The first thing he told me was that my writing is really good, and I feel like **** for letting him down like this. I feel terrible for leading him on and disappointing him. I was a fool to think I could get away in this course easily based on his early remarks. I built a good image of myself, but I haven't provided the substance to back it up.
I know I've spent over half of a day working on this. Double-digit hours sunk in. Wouldn't the smart thing to do is realize just how much time I'm putting into it and do my work some justice?
I think I've learnt my lesson for procrastination. It's not only that I don't have time left, it's also that I can't handle the pressure when it gets tight and I spend hours brooding on how I should have managed my time better - probably the same amount of time it would've taken me to write it had I prepared myself. I should have made a plan and stuck to it, and not let distractions lead me away by the nose. And it's also important to get proper sleep. I don't get the same motivation and focus when I'm zoning out - and it makes me prone to being distracted, loosens my grip on myself. So my plan for tomorrow is sleep until noon to get my 8 hours, then spend the rest of the time freshening up my essay outline. If I'm weak in one area, I will make up for it with dedication and hard work where it counts more.
I feel really really bad about this >< it's something I talk so much about and for such a long time too, I might as well do something about it now, right? Ugh, I hate losing trust in myself. Feel like a paper tiger or a glass cannon, superficial and vain. I thought I could get by with sheer guts, and I don't even have the guts anymore.
I'll see you tomorrow? :]